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I went to check who was at the door and when I opened it Maw was there looking up at me with a smile.
"Hey! I was hoping you were still awake." He scrambled for something he was holding in his left arm. He pulled out a box. "I was looking through my fridge and there's tons of good stuff! I even found some chocolate-and-cheese-covered nachos! Do you want some?"
"Uh... no." I tried to not retch at the odd food choice. "I don't eat, remember?"
"Oh, right! Agh." He face-palmed. "I knew I was missing something. I'll let you sleep."
"No, you can come in! I couldn't fall asleep anyways." I opened the door wider so he could come in.
He dumped the rest of the nachos into his mouth and devoured them in two seconds.
"Did you just..." I mumbled, dumbfounded.
"What?" He wiped the crumbs off his shirt.
"How do you eat everything so fast!?" I was almost at the point of laughing.
"My head is a literal mouth!" He retorted. "I also have, like, seven stomachs."
"Wait, really!?" I gasped.
"No, just wondering how gullible you are." He said, teasing me with a mischievous smile again.
"Wh- Maw!" I playfully punched him in the shoulder.
"Kidding." He grinned and went inside, checking out all of the additions I added to the house. "Nice, you're done already! Looks good." He threw the nacho box in a trash bin.
"Thanks!"
He plunked himself down onto the couch and I grabbed the TV remote.
"Do you wanna watch a movie or something?" I asked as I sat on the couch more lightly.
"Yeah! I don't know what though."
"I'll just look."
I scrolled through a few channels, but couldn't find anything yet.
"What games did you play?" I made conversation as I kept looking.
"Eh... Soul Killer, Soul Killer 2, Cute Dino Pet Simulator, and Warriorz: Slash of Fire." He recalled, counting on his fingers.
"Wait- Cute Dino Pet Simulator?" I didn't think he would play something like that.
"It looked fun and adorable, okay!? I like dinosaurs." He retorted.
Even though everything was fine, there was some awkward tension between us. Maw kept looking at me nervously like he wanted to say something but didn't know what. I pretended to not see him do that about four times as I switched through more channels. Most of the channels were just trash news or dramas or reality-tv. After another few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Maw cleared his throat and spoke.
"So how's your book going?" He asked.
I sighed. "I tried writing in it, but I was reminded of.. you know."
"J.. oh. Just erase all of it! Maybe it'll erase what happened from your mind." He gave me a sympathetic look through his teeth.
"But that's the thing. Why should I forget that? Will it really do me any good?"
"You don't let go of the past easily, huh?" He stopped slouching in his seat and stared at me with interest.
"No! Do you? I was never able to do it like everyone else."
"Nah. I-I get it. There's always..." Maw paused and sighed. "There's always those memories... even good ones."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Good memories of people who've hurt you. Jinxaro was an okay guy.. until well..."
I nodded in agreement. "What about-"
"Mhm. Even he was alright sometimes." He thought about Krivo Ryder. "He would make friends for me out of the birds when I was lonely, though he never really talked with me unless he had a good day or was drunk. When he was feeling particularly generous he would order me good meals or tell me jokes he heard from the newspapers. He even used to help me with my stuttering.."
"You used to stutter a lot?" Sometimes it was surprising that a gruff voice like his could stammer.
"Yeah. He couldn't stand it anymore!" Maw chuckled, but then made a frown. "He even told me that I was the best kid ever. He did it when I made him proud by locating the site of one of our catches we were trying to find for months. He was drinking a lot that day, though."
".. Yes. There are always those times where you think: hey, they aren't such a bad person... but that's only in the moment, right?" I stated with solemnity.
Something about the comment evoked rage inside Maw, almost like he was offended but horrified by the thought as well.
"Nothing will make me forget that I hate him, and I wish one of his own birds would peck at him and eat him like he does to the rest of his prey! I'm never going to work for a monster like him ever again."
Tension rose again.
"Sorry." I mumbled.
He didn't respond to that. I wondered if he heard it or if he didn't care. I wish I didn't say such dumb things sometimes, things that people know already. Maybe I just like to hear myself talk, maybe I just want to hear this too, to validate my feelings about past friends as well.
We sat there silently for a few minutes.
"Have you ever been hurt by someone?" He broke the silence once more. "Do you even know how it feels like?"
".. Yes, I do. Some people I've loved, and some people I was friends with.. um.. left me."
"What? Why would anyone want to do that? I'll punch them in the face!" He scowled, putting up a fist.
I giggled and sighed. "They thought I was too complicated... Everyone wants a person who doesn't show too much emotion and doesn't question things. I'm sure you understand."
"... Yeah." He did.
"Have you ever been in love?" I asked. I wanted to learn more about him, everything maybe. I want to learn everything about everyone, though that doesn't depend on me.
"Nah..." He began, digging into old memories. "Ryder wouldn't let me. He said love like that would weigh me down, make me feel weak, and make me feel horrible and angry. He never told me why he hated it, but I took his word and never tried it. Only saw it on TV and comics and crap."
We sat in silence again, and longing mixed with anxiety radiated off of Maw's skin. He longed for something he could never touch but was so close in his reach, but also feared what it could do to him.
".. It's... relationships are sometimes good, yeah. When the person loves you as much as you love them." I said. Unfortunately, neither of us has experienced that yet.
Maw nodded again. It was always hard to respond the right way in a conversation like this. He took a deep breath.
"I think I'm ready to move on now..." He drew in a sharp breath. "Thanks for listening to me rant and vent, I bet you're real annoyed by me talking only about myself for this long."
"Maw, the only thing I want is to understand you. I'm glad you told me because now I know you better. Never bottle up your feelings for too long. I want you to remember that, okay?" I stared at him deeply, almost pleading.
"Okay." He replied.
At this point, I forgot about looking for a movie. I sighed to get focused on the positives again. "Well, let's try to cheer up. What's your favorite type of movie?"
"Oh.. um." He tapped his nails on the couch in thought. For a mouth, he really liked to express his emotions with gestures. "I like monster flicks, comedy, and thrillers!" He passionately answered.
"Good ones. I like sci-fi, mysteries, and occasionally documentaries." I still couldn't find anything to watch yet. So many different shows in the world, so many different ideas, so many creations.
"Haw-haw, you dork." Again, he said it with affection. "Always sci-fi with you, eh?"
"We're both dorks in our own beautiful ways!" I declared with confidence.
"There you go again, sounding like a hero in a cringy coming-of-age story. You're good at making inspirational speeches, ya know that?" He slouched back into the couch, calmer now.
"Well, you're good at inspiring them." I replied.
Now, where there used to be tension between us, there was admiration.
>
If you told me a few months ago that I would be friends with an eye and a triangle, I would have said that you're insane. Off your rocker! I would say that I would always be stuck in the same place, serving the same man, crying in my bedroom every night, and sucking it up every morning. They're both super, but Exe... she gets me. Even though we're almost complete opposites, she makes me happy. Really happy. Happier than I've ever been. Ever since that beach, I've been thinking about her hand and her gaze and her.. everything way more than I used to. I hate thinking about her and how her happy blinks make my heart flutter! Why can't I just make these thoughts stop!? People hold hands when they're just friends, right? But she looks at me a lot though. Friends look at each other a lot, right!? I hate this!!!
Do you ever just kick over imaginary tables and chairs and bounce off the walls like a feral dog in your mind when you're angry or flustered? I do that a lot because if I did it for real it would be so-called "socially unacceptable" and "a psychotic move". What do you do when you face a problem? ...You adopt a bat named Jerry and make him do your bidding? No, that's for a different problem. Oh, gooses! Now she's looking at me and I'm all sweaty! Actually, I'm always kinda sweaty, she probably doesn't notice. OR MAYBE SHE DOES!! She notices everything! She's a whole damn eye!
"Are you okay?" Exe questioned, noticing my cheeks becoming hot.
"Uh- I- um- yeah! I'm alright!" I gave a thumbs up, but it didn't hide much.
She shrugged and looked back at the TV.
Now I was basically blushing. How can I even blush? I literally have no cheeks, they're invisible!! Why is this world so FRICKING INSANE!?
"Why don't I just try to pick out one?" I asked, starting to become maddened.
"Sure! Sorry, I'm a bit indecisive..." She motions the remote to me and I snatch it out of her hands.
All I have to do is just find a movie and watch it and then I can just forget about these feelings! But as I scrolled through the channels, I couldn't stop thinking about the person next to me. I kept feeling her gaze on me and I tried to ignore it but that just made me feel even more anxious. I even started picking at the skin around my nails, though I didn't realize it before it was too late. Then I finally glanced back at her and she wasn't staring at me at all. She was just peacefully looking outside and twiddling her thumbs. Did I imagine it!?
Oh frick, my heart's doing the flutter thing again!! I-I CAN'T DO THIS!!!
I jumped up from the couch and threw the remote on the floor.
"I'mactuallyprettytirednowsoI'mgonnagotobedbutnicetalkandI'llseeyoutomorrowormaybenotIdon'tknow!!" I spat out in a stream of incoherent babbling.
Then before she could say anything I ran out and into my condo. Out of breath and leaning against my door in a heap of panic, I realized something:
Oh no... NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!
I HAVE A STUPID CRUSH ON HER!!!
No, this can't be happening!! I don't wanna have a crush on her! Love is complicated and weird and awkward! I just want to say a million curse words right now! Why does my heart have to think about her!? We don't even work!! She's just been kind to me because she... she feels sorry for me.
I don't feel like eating or drinking anything right now. I don't feel like doing anything.
I decided to take off my clothes and get in bed. I don't even feel like pulling the covers up. Just make this stop. Just let me scream in my mind and then maybe.. this will all go away.
...
"Maw."
I stared at the bright TV, whirled up in its colorful characters and funny dialogue and songs. I wish I could be in a cartoon. Maybe I could escape.
"Maw?"
...
"Maw!" A man called. "Come here, now!"
I looked up and felt a harsh gaze on me. He needs me now. I joined him at the desk he was working at. There were scattered crushed beer cans and a plate of meat on the table, but more notably, a large blueprint paper.
"How does this look?" The man pointed to a horrible sketch of a sign that looked like something out of a carnival.
"What the hell are you up to now?" I sat down in the chair on the other side of the table.
He laughed, it always sounded like a cackle weakened by years of smoking and shouting. "That television is making you dense. It's a sign for the new attraction we're setting up. AKA, dinner central for me." He made a vile snicker, glancing at the meat on the table. It was a piece of fresh thigh of his last victim; he always said that the thigh of a person was the juiciest. "And you can have whatever food I can create at the carnival, on the house."
"But everything you create is made out of birds!" I protested.
"Swallow the birds then!" He ripped off a piece of the meat with his sharp teeth and then slicked down his hair. It never fully settled, making the top of it flick up like the tufted crest of a bird. "We've packed up almost all the money from the casino and bled all those losers dry." We're in the clear, and now all we gotta do is leave." He said in-between chewing. "Tomorrow, we'll find the perfect place to call... Ryder's Splendiferous Carnival!"
"Great." I scoffed. "Can I get a raise now?"
"Wait until your 23rd birthday, you lil' prat." He retorted, counting up more 100 dollar bills he somehow pulled from his pockets.
"We don't age in this world!!"
"Well then, there you go!" He smirked.
Oh, right, I forgot. He's the cheapest cheapskate out there. He went on again about his 'brilliant' plan, still stacking the piles of money. I mumbled curses and tried to focus back on the cartoons on the TV, but he couldn't shut up for the life of him.
"-And then after I have my fill, we'll build a circus in another town. Actually, no- I'll build a circus. Since you hardly do anything but lay around and be a fatass!" He took a swig of hard beer and chuckled with excitement.
I looked back at him with disgust. I do everything for him. Everything. And what does he do? Insult me.
".. Awe, what's wrong?" He noticed my irritation and made a twisted grin. "Don't want to work for me anymore? You should've thought about that before you gambled away your soul, heheh." He leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs on the table, pleased with himself.
"Shut up." I muttered.
"What?"
"SHUT UP!!" I slammed my palm on the table. He glanced at my hand unfazed and swiped it off.
"I'll try to forget you said that. Just another slip-up." He uttered.
"Every time I'm upset you think of it as a slip-up?" I growled. "A mistake?"
"You are a mistake. You mess up everything, but I'm stuck with you, so I better make you useful." He pointed to the fridge in the other room. "Bring me another bottle of beer and then get out of my sight."
"Nah." I didn't leave, though sometimes I wish I had at that moment.
"I SAID PISS OFF, YOU NEVER-ENDING SCAB!" His crisp, hoarse voice rang in my ears, and I knew what I wanted to do.
I punched him, hard enough to make a medium bruise on his cheek. My nails caught on his feathers, ripping some off. He groaned and then grabbed the beer bottle, throwing it at the wall next to me. The shattered glass sliced into my shoulder. Then he stood up, pinned me to the wall, and slapped me. Even though I'm used to this pain, it still always hurts. Always. I scraped his back, my nails scoring through his shirt. He then slapped me harder on the neck.
"SAY IT! SAY THAT YOU'LL ALWAYS SERVE ME!" Ryder demanded, clenching my shirt collar with outrage, almost choking me. "SAY IT!!!" He raised up a fist.
"YES! Yes, I will always serve you!" Spit came from my mouth as I rasped the words.
"Good." He whispered, then he forcefully pulled me from the wall by the arms. "Get the trailer ready."
He touched the scratch on his back and when he looked at his fingers, there was blood strewn on them. His eyes narrowed at the sight.
I nodded at his request, trying to recover from the stinging sensations around the front of my body, but before I could walk away, he struck me again. The shiver that went through me was powerful enough to wake me up from this dream.
I sat up in my bed, my head racing. No.. no.. not another memory. I want to forget him! WHY DO I HAVE TO RELIVE THESE MOMENTS EVERY TIME I GO TO SLEEP!? I JUST WANT TO DREAM OF MY NEW FRIENDS, DREAM OF PARADISE, DREAM OF AN ESCAPE!!! I started to cry. I don't like crying, it makes me feel weak. That's something Ryder taught me. Anything that makes you vulnerable makes you weak. I rubbed the scars the glass gave me on my shoulder, and I felt the bruises and cuts on my back, neck, and chest. These were only from a few weeks ago, just a couple days before Exe and Trine arrived at the carnival. There were so many.
Of course I keep having nightmares of him, I've been talking about him to Exe so much.. ugh.. I thought that letting out all of my feelings would make him go away, but it's just making me feel worse. I wish I could see Exe right now, but after such a display, I just want to stay in my room forever. Though, with the tour of Paradise tomorrow, I guess that won't be so easy.
I'll just kick over imaginary tables and chairs and bounce off the walls like a feral dog in my mind, so no one can see what I'm feeling. As long as I have to.