𝑂𝑛𝑖𝑘𝑎
"Mom, I can guarantee that I'll be just fine. You don't have to worry, I know what I'm doing," I twisted my key in the lock and opened the door. Taking a breath, I stepped into my home and smiled softly as the memories came right back to me. "I'm just starting all over again."
"I know, that's why I'm calling. You haven't lived in Texas since she left, and you know exactly why." My mother reminded me of my unfortunate past, causing me to scrunch my face from the mention of such events and the people who caused them, "I'm just saying, do not hesitate to call if things get out of hand."
"It shouldn't, I had that woman's grandchild after all. Not to mention I haven't seen her face nor have I gone around the house to check in. I don't need her acknowledgment, you know that."
Stepping back out onto the porch, I kept an eye out for Kaia. She ran around in those little boots she begged me for. They were pink with tassels and little rhinestones. She adored them.
She was occupied with the horses, talking to them as if they could understand a word she was saying.
Just like her mom.
Everything about Kaia reminded me of her mother, from that damn eyebrow to the tips of her toes. I had no part besides her hair it seems.
"I will be stopping by the church soon, to see the Reverend. To thank him for taking care of this place while I was gone." I said, taking a seat on the steps. "Not to mention Robyn and Lauren are coming by."
"I thought Robyn hated the countryside?"
"Unfortunately for her, she has no choice." I laugh, watching as a car pulled up beside mine. Rolling my eyes, I shook my head because I knew it was my bougie ass friends. "They're here, Mommy. I'll check back in with you tonight after dinner. I love you lots." I kissed into the phone, listening to her chuckle warmly at me and my happiness.
"Alright then, we'll talk. I love you more." Hanging up, I stood and went over to the Range that was just about the same height as the old truck next to it.
Lauren climbed out first and rushed over to hug me. I returned the embrace, warmth engulfing me. She was just as happy to be here as I was. I loved this place with all my heart and she knew that so she loved it, too. "Everything is so beautiful here, oh my gosh. And the house is so much bigger than I thought. How did you and Bey— I mean how'd y'all live here all alone for so long?" She stopped herself from saying a name that yearned to roll off of the tip of everyone's tongue for the last four years.
I couldn't lie, I was urged to say it the moment my feet landed on the soil of this state. I just felt her all around, but I could barely hold myself together as is.
However, it's all apart of the healing process, no?
"You can say it. Everyone is thinking it.." I hid the feelings rushing through my veins. Sadness, fear, anger, pain. I felt it all. But happiness outweighed it and my gratitude for finding the courage to return was much greater.
Lauren smiled at me, "I'm very proud of you, Nicki. Losing someone after having your first child was so hard on you and yet you bounced back and grew from it. I could only hope to have the same strength as you." She held my hand as we made our way to the other side of the car.
"I can only hope to continue to be this strong. Now, where's Thing 2? She still in the car?" I asked and Lauren nodded.
Opening up the passenger door, I began to cough as the strongest smell of bug repellent fumes came out in what seemed like a large cloud.
I felt like I was dying.
"Rihanna, I just cleaned my car! Why didn't you wait to get out before putting that shit on?!" Lauren yelled, pulling the older girl out. Rih frowned at us, rolling her eyes and opening her mouth to argue right back.
You'd think with her being from the islands she wouldn't be as bothered by a few mosquitoes, but no. This woman was a D1 snob and hated the outdoors with a passion. I, at times, regret making her Kaia's godmother. My daughter loved being outside, the polar opposite of Robyn.
"You want these bugs to eat me up?! Do you see how flawless my skin is? Bad bitches don't get eaten by bugs, thank you." She sasses, rolling her neck and turning her nose up.
This bitch.
"Bad bitches also humble themselves before their best friend can humiliate them, take your ass inside and shut up. I'll go get Kai." I waved her off and walked away. Kaia had climbed up on the fence that separated the horses from the house. She seemed to be idly fond of the white one over the others. "Kaia, honey, your aunties are here."
"I not ready to go yet, Momma. I talk to the ponies." She whined, hanging on tightly to the railings, climbing higher. I grabbed her under her arms and pulled her off. Kaia pouted, reaching for the horse. "No, Momma! I play with the ponies!"
"After dinner, marigold. You gotta say bye for right now though, okay?" My child squirmed in my arms, tears welled in her eyes. She hated the indoors just as much as Robyn hated outside. She told me once that she wanted to sleep at the park because her bed was uncomfortable.
That was pushing it.
"Let's eat dinner and then you can come back out for another half hour. Throw a fit and you will not be coming out at all." My warning went through one ear and out the other, I knew that much. I carried Kai inside and closed the door. Setting her down, I told her to go find her room. "The one with marigolds painted on the door, I'll be up in a minute."
I watched my wild child climb upstairs with a smile. My eyes roamed around the house once again as I walked off to the living room. I missed the coziness of it all. The fireplace, the sofas, my eyes land on the shelves that held many old photos from my years here.
One in particular brought a burning to my eye.
"Oh God," my words come out broken and strained, brittle in a way to which my soul was bare and vulnerable as I watched her face in the picture. Her smile. She was laughing this day. So, so fucking happy. The day I told her I was pregnant, the day I cried to her and apologized over and over for being so irresponsible and hoping she wouldn't hate me for it. She laughed for hours, telling me that she was happy that I was the one she'd have her first child with. That she was ready to face any and everything with me by her side. I remember being so overwhelmed, I cried in her arms until I couldn't cry anymore. We were so happy.
"What am I doing here without you? God, Beyoncé I need you here, why'd you leave me?" The tears fall from my eyes and down my cheeks like raindrops on a windowpane. I couldn't stop them anymore.
The year she left, it took only four months before her letters stopped coming. Four months that I spent with our newborn and her unbelievable mother. Four months that I watched the news over and fucking over until one night I had heard that the city where she was stationed had been blown to smithereens. Many soldiers lost their lives and as much as I didn't want to believe it, I knew deep down that she might not have made it either.
Her mother blamed me in the blink of an eye. Said I was the devil's messenger, telling her sweet girl to chase after her awaiting death. She didn't let me grieve and in the end there was only so much that I could take.
I packed up everything I could take with me on such a short notice along with Kaia and asked around for some help. Thank God the people at the church were generous enough to help me be on my way.
As heartbroken as I was, I chose to do what was best for my child and I. I had to accept that she was gone for Kaia's sake. I needed to protect my baby like Bey said. I needed to be there for her.
"Nicki, I can help you get started on dinner if you– oh.." I wiped my face quickly, placing the picture back in its place on the shelf. Turning to Lauren, I chuckled nervously despite how obvious it was that I had been crying. "Wanna talk about it?" She came to me with worry in her eyes. I shrugged it off.
"You know I'm emotional... there's no need to worry about me–"
"You never fully healed from what happened, Onika. You need to talk to someone about it before you fall apart. Beyoncé meant the world to you." She bargained with me and yet I still pushed it aside.
With a sigh, I forced a smile. "I'm fine. Check on Kaia for me? She's in the bedroom with marigolds on the door. I'll get started on dinner."
"Onika."
"I'm fine, Lauren. Just– trust me." My voice lowered, I glanced over at the photos again before walking away.
I'll be just fine.
᪥
The night continued as I expected. Kaia fell asleep after dinner so I tucked her in and went to sit out on the porch with Lauren and Robyn. I sat down our wine glasses and poured half a glass for each of us.
"Thank you guys so much for being here with me, lord knows I probably wouldn't have lasted all night by myself. I really appreciate it." I spoke. I meant every word. Having them around takes my mind away from the nerves and the situation at hand.
"It's what friends are for, Nic. You been through so much, it's only fair that we help you out in any way we can." Lauren grinned, rubbing my shoulder.
"Mhmm," Robyn agreed. "Even if it means we gotta whoop that old lady ass, you know I gets active." She added causing us to laugh. I nodded, looking out into the horizon as the sun set and the moon rose overhead. "You know, when the bugs aren't attacking you, it's really pretty out here."
"I'm happy you like it, because you're helping me with the horses tomorrow morning." I smiled at Robyn cheekily.
Horror creeps over Rih's face. Her green eyes widened. "No the fuck I am not!"
"You voluntarily decided to come to Texas and help me settle. It's either you help with the horses or the damn cows, Rihanna."
She groaned, "ughh! Tanya, you know I didn't bring any clothes for those kinds of activities."
"Just wear Yoncé's old clothes. She's got some flashy stuff in there, I'm sure." I shrugged, bringing my glass to my lips.
"The cowgirl? No offense, but do you know who I am?"
"A label whore." I mugged.
"Exactly! I can't be seen 'roughing it', that isn't the move , Onika." She complained and Lo just giggled at our banter.
"You make Bey sound like some sort of brute. My honeybee had style, alright? I'll whoop you hoe, keep it up." My eyes narrowed. As outdoorsy as she was, Beyoncé could dress. I was surprised the first time she ever dressed up for me, her farm made bank so she could easily afford expensive shit and when she wore it, she wore the fuck out of it.
Bey just preferred to spend it on her animals and the house. The farm was her pride and joy; besides Kaia and I.
"Fine, but only 'cause you fight like a grown ass man." Her eyes rolled again as she took sips from her drink.
"Good." She knows I'll whoop her ass any given Sunday if it was up to me. I really don't care, I fight about mine.
We talked some more about nothing too serious before they started heading your way bed. I did the same, checking in on Kaia before going to my room.
More photos sat in this space, stemming all the way back to our first date. Gosh, she was so beautiful and I would've loved to see how she'd look now.
I flipped the pictures face down then went to shower and changed into something comfortable.
There's a little knock at my door and as I look up I see my daughter standing there with this old bear. One that brought along even more memories.
"Kaia, honey, why aren't you sleeping?" I asked, picking her up.
"Can't, Momma. There's monsters..." she whimpered, rubbing her eye with the back of her hand. "I sleep with you?"
"Of course." I closed the door and laid us in my bed, letting her get comfortable under the covers and in my arms. She clung to me and that was all I needed to feel calm for the night.
When my baby needed me most I was there. I'd always be there.
"Love you, Momma." She whispered to me.
"I love you, too, marigold."
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