Ethan
Three months ago
The blood is rushing to my ears. It's so loud, and my chest is too tight. Everything feels suffocating.
I run my fingers through my hair, tugging tightly at the strands. I try to suck down some air, but I can't. well it feels like i can't and it hurts. And sucks.
I start pacing again, waiting to hear from them. Waiting to hear anything. An hour ago we rushed in here, and they said they'd have to take a look at his stomach, and then they rushed off with him.
I was told to stay put, for now. I don't think I can wait any longer. I'm gonna lose it.
"Hey" Dad whispers, tugging me to him. Dad hugs me, tight. "Hey buddy. It's okay" there's a loud, broken cry that fills the room, and I realize it came from me.
Will I be broken without him?
I'll be nothing without him.
I want to be nothing, without him.
I can't seem to hold onto a thought for very long, and time starts to blur together. Both my dads came, and I was told everyone else is at the house waiting for further instructions.
Dr. Andres finally comes out, a soft sad smile on her lips. It's more like a frown honestly. "Ethan?" she says softly, and i'm across the room and infront of her in seconds. "He's sedated right now, but you can come and see him. We had to pump his stomach, and care for his wounds. they weren't closing so we had to give him some stitches to help it. We also need to talk about some other options"
"What other options?"
"Well we believe Connor experienced a psychogenic blackout due to PTSD symptoms and psychosis" she says, and starts leading us through the halls and to my mate. my heart is pounding, and all the blood is rushing into my ears.
"Psychosis?"
Connor's entire body jerks, and then he's screaming and thrashing around. He's sobbing, and struggling so hard against the straps.
I'm by his side in an instance, whispering sweet words and trying to calm him down, but nothing changes. He's being sedated again and falling limp in my arms. Everything feels so blurry.
"A psychogenic black out is when someone has a psychotic episode, or a manic episode to the extreme. He's likely not going to remember any of this. We suspect it was triggered by a PTSD episode, a flashback or maybe something triggered a sour mood. It's likely it started out small and grew into something larger. Psychosis is a disconnection from reality. We're going to assume that was triggered first.
Those cuts were deep, and there's no way someone does that but continues to take care of they're family without realizing how extreme his injuries were. We're getting all this information based off his therapist file as well"
"What do you mean?" my brows furrow, there's a lot of information to take in, but his therapists file? I thought he just had BPD?
"His therapist noticed some signs of psychosis, and PTSD. They were very small signs, but I'm going to assume when he abruptly stopped going those signs started becoming overwhelming. Psychosis and psychogenic black outs are serious. As you can see, he took an entire bottle of pills and seemed like he didn't even know it happened. Not all people have it to that extreme, but it seems like there's a lot that needs to be addressed. For now, we're just going to keep him sedated If he doesn't improve we're going to have to put him into a medically induced coma until we can get him even out and stable"
"What can you do for him?"
"We can give him different types of antipsychotics and see what works for him. If he gets put into a medically induced coma he will likely stay that way until we find a medication that works with him"
"I don't understand why this came out of nowhere? He wasn't like this and then it all just.. happened"
"It's likely that things he blocked out as a child were becoming topics in therapy, that paired with the reality of safety maybe he hasn't felt before can open doors that we aren't ready for. Sometimes your brain has to shut down in order to protect yourself, and i'm guessing that's what his did"
"Okay" I scrub my hand over my face, letting out a heavy breath. "So what's the first step?"
"We're going to keep him sedated for the night, then try to wake him tomorrow. If things go how we expect, we will start him on an antipsychotic and medically induce him. If he does better then we're expecting, we will just have to keep him for 72 hours"
"Okay.. thanks" everything inside of me deflates, as i sit in the chair beside my mates bed. I stare at Connor for a long, long time.