Zephaniah
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PSALM 55:22
Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.
Sitting in one of the Christ café booths, I tug at my sleeves, trying to shake off the feeling of eyes on me. Joel knows I avoid places like this, where it feels like everyone's staring. My past has a way of creeping into the present, making me feel like I can't just blend in.
"Relax kid, you look like you're hiding a drugs up your sleeves or something. Take it easy." Joel speaks noticing how anxious I am,
I understand how powerful everything was the other day in pastor Davis's office I truly know I had an encounter but even more than that I received something that can only be given by God, but I can't let that turn me into a fool.
I still have a past that I can't just sweep under the rug. I have eyes on me all the time whenever I come outside, I never doubt that anyone who looks at me twice is wondering if they spotted the right person or not.
My mind always convinces me that anyone around me has been hurt by me, has had family killed me. I look to my shaking hands. I still envision blood on them... I just can't get out of my own mind.
"I know you don't like coming outside, and I've never bothered to ask you why before. Maybe it's none of my business, but I don't know... I just feel like-" he holds himself back looking down to his own hands crossed on the table now.
He's nervous and he's never nervous! My heart misses a beat.
"I feel like there's something that we may have built here, you know? Between me Stephanie and yourself." I stew in my own silence. Unsure of what to say but watching all my fears come true.
They are attached. This is exactly what I didn't want because it makes them liable, when the police come to get me and when the judge questions in court, it puts them in jeopardy.
"I'm not trying to pry, or put any pressure on you but we really do care about you- in that room some things were said that I feel like we should talk about-Maybe as... family?" I purse my lips so tight they might fall off, he notices and immediately pulls back
"I mean as men. There are things we should talk about as men-" he coughs
Joel shifts in his seat, rubbing the back of his neck, his usual confidence faltering a little. He lets out a low, awkward chuckle.
"Look, I'm not exactly the best at saying these things," he starts, eyes on his hands rather than me. "But... I guess what I'm trying to say is, you matter. To me, to Stephanie."
He pauses, weighing his next words carefully, like he knows I might pull away if he pushes too hard.
"And... well, whatever comes of what was said back there, in that room," he clears his throat, "I just want you to know, that's not something that changes easy, you know?" He lets out a nervous sigh, drumming his fingers on the table. "Family... it's not as breakable as we sometimes think."
"Family?" I ask, my voice coming out way more direct than expected. "Why do you keep using that word?" I mutter
Joel clears his throat, clearly feeling the pressure of the silence between us. He glances around the café like he's hoping for a lifeline.
"Uh... yeah," he says, his voice stumbling a bit. "I- I guess... 'family' is, uh, a big word, huh?" He gives a nervous chuckle, then catches himself, going quiet again.
He clears his throat, voice softer this time, almost like he's second-guessing every word. "I don't mean to make this... weird, or anything. I just... I don't know, I didn't want you to think... well, with everything going on, that you're alone. Or that... we don't care." He's fumbling now, his hands moving restlessly, his gaze darting to the table.
Joel finally sighs, shoulders slumping a bit. "Look, I'm probably saying this all wrong. I just... I didn't want to scare you off."
My eyes shift from the ceiling, to the floor, to the table to the menu I stay mute biting on my inner lip as my foot taps on the floor, where is the waiter here? Every second feels like an hour.
Joel sighs, feeling like he is getting this all wrong, but there's nothing I can tell him to cool his mind, he isn't my father and I refuse to allow myself to get so close that I ever say that he is.
Thankfully the waiter walks over before a bead of sweat drops onto the menu that I have been fidgeting with
The waiter stands ready, pen poised. Joel scans the menu, then speaks up, his voice a bit brighter as he orders. "I'll have a coffee and... the signature blueberry muffin."
Then he glances at me expectantly. I barely look up. "Just a black coffee," I mutter.
Joel's eyebrows lift slightly. "That's it?" he asks, a hint of confusion in his voice. I just nod, quickly shutting the wide menu, feeling it bend awkwardly in my hands.
Joel lets out a soft chuckle, "Don't worry, kid, I got the bill," he says with a grin. But the joke lands flat. The tension's thick enough that even the waiter seems to notice, shifting slightly but staying silent.
Joel clears his throat, turning back to the waiter. "Uh, actually, could you bring him some of those homemade chocolate chip cookies too?" The waiter nods, jotting it down.
Joel sighs, rubbing a hand over his face, then gives me a small, tentative smile. "Just thought you might need something sweet."
The waiter walks off, and Joel rubs his hands together, clearly fishing for what to say next, like he's struggling to find a way to patch up the awkwardness. He clears his throat softly.
"Zeph... you don't have to say anything back, alright? I just wanted you to hear it." His words come out carefully,
"Thats why you brought me out here?" To tell me that you love me or something?" I raise a brow
Joel's eyes widen a bit, and he lets out a nervous laugh as he avoids my gaze. "Well, I... I didn't mean it like that," he stammers, his hands fidgeting on the table. "I just thought... maybe you needed to know that, you know, we care. Me and Stephanie."
He leans forward slightly, trying to make his words land. "I know you're not used to hearing stuff like that. And I get that it's not something you... maybe want. But... I wanted you to hear it anyway." His expression is earnest, a mix of hope and anxiety, like he's waiting for me to react in a way that will either close the distance or push him away.
"Thanks." I say plainly to stop his rambling. I am confused as to why my plan on pushing him away isn't working, it's almost as if he... I don't know-
My fingers run along the edge of the menu waiting for him to lead the conversation again
"So... you may have to stay with your brother for a few days." My eyes widen,
"What why?" I love pastor Davis, he is my brother but he is almost 20 years older than me. He's in a completely different part of life than I am, we may have the same father but... it's complicated to relate to him the way I relate to Joel.
Is he really ready to kick me out already? Maybe he found out something? Maybe someone told him! That's why he called me here of course!
Joel takes a deep breath, the humor fading slightly as he gathers his thoughts. "Look, Zeph... with everything that's happening right now, it's just a bit complicated. Stephanie and I are trying for a baby, and... well, it's probably going to get a little awkward if you're around while we're, you know, making that happen."
I blink at him, processing what he just said. The thought of being in the same house while they're trying to start a family makes my skin itch
"So, it might be better for you to stay with Pastor Davis for a few days. You know, give us some space."
He flashes a cheeky grin, adding, "Well, it's either that or you need to buy some really good noise-canceling earphones."
I can't help but fake gag at the idea, and we both burst into laughter, the tension breaking just a bit. "That's disgusting!"
"Oh, what? Like you're a virgin?" Joel teases, leaning back in his chair.
"Please! It's like hearing your parents say they still have sex-" I stop, suddenly realizing the implication of my words, my face burning with embarrassment as I quickly shut myself up before it can get any worse.
"Do you think it was actually done though I mean the miracle? Do you think she might actually get pregnant?" I ask looking over my shoulders to make sure I'm still not too seen by the public thankfully the restaurants dark ambience covers me
Joel leans back, a confident smile spreading across his face. "Honestly, I believe it's going to happen," he says, his eyes sparkling with conviction. "I mean, we've got faith, and that's powerful. Miracles can be complicated, sure, but they also happen when you least expect them."
He pauses, locking eyes with me. "What matters is that you're a part of this. You're not alone in this journey, no matter what happens."
I nod, though a part of me still feels unsure. "Yeah, but if it doesn't happen... what then? What if all this hope just leads to disappointment?"
Joel shakes his head, unwavering. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But I genuinely believe it's going to work out. And if it does, it'll be a blessing for all of us."
My fingers find a beat on the table, I know he has something else to say but he's too scared of crossing a boundary.
"Look, kid, I don't want to overstep here, but I just need to say this-even if you can't ever accept it-if we have this baby, and by God's mercy we will, I don't want you feeling like we're going to forget about you," Joel says, his tone tells me he's serious, but the idea never crossed my mind before. What will happen to me when they get their dream child? I shouldn't care... but I do.
"I know you've been staying in the baby room, but there are other rooms too. We can clear one out for you."
"Come on, man..." I groan, the thought of their baby room feeling like a sacred space I don't belong in anymore.
"I'm serious, alright? You really mean a lot to us, and you aren't just going to become a nobody to us just because a baby is coming," he assures me, and I can hear the sincerity in his voice.
"Sure, we'll have to work out the kinks, like the room situation, but you can share if anything. He can have the bed, and you can have the cot," he jokes, but my head is too occupied with guilt to find humor in it.
"No pressure," he adds, his voice softening. "But I just wanted you to know."
"Thats only because you don't know the real me." I whisper under my breath but unfortunately he catches it
"What?"
"Nothing. Just forget it."
Joel leans forward, brows furrowed in concern. "No, Zeph, I'm not gonna just let that slide. What do you mean, 'the real you'?
Joel leans forward, a hint of urgency in his voice. "Listen, I get that it's hard, but what specifically makes it so tough to trust people? What happened that's got you feeling this way?"
I clench my fists, my pulse quickening. "It's not about what happened, Joel. I just... I don't want to talk about it." My voice comes out sharper than I intended, but the thought of dragging my past into the light makes me want to retreat further.
"Come on, Zeph. You've got to let me in a little. I can't help you if I don't know what you're dealing with," he presses, his concern never ending. "You think I haven't faced my own struggles? We all have our battles."
Frustration bubbles up inside me, and I shake my head. "This isn't a pity party, Joel! I'm not looking for help. I'm just trying to live my life without being reminded of my past every second. You don't understand what it's like to carry that weight."
"I might not understand completely, but I want to," he insists, his brow furrowed. "If you could just share a bit, maybe I could help. Maybe we could work through it together."
"Together?" I scoff, my heart racing. "You think it's that easy? You don't know what I've done! You don't know what it means to have blood on your hands." I can feel the tension in my chest tightening, pushing me closer to the edge.
"Blood on your hands? You're trying to tell me you have blood on your hands?" He's not stupid he's already pinning two and two together, and that alone forces me to calm down.
"I'm not trying to tell you anything Joel. That's the point. For your safety I just want us to leave it at that aight?"
The tension hangs heavy between us, the air thick with unspoken words. Joel's brow knits tighter as he processes my refusal. "Alright," he finally gives up, though I can see the worry lingering in his eyes. "I respect that. Just know I'm here if you change your mind."
Before I can respond, the waiter approaches our booth, breaking the suffocating silence. "Here are your drinks and food, gentlemen." He sets down a steaming cup of black coffee in front of me, the aroma rich and bold, alongside a plate of freshly baked blueberry muffins, golden and plump, bursting with sweet fruit.
"Thanks, man," Joel replies, a hint of relief washing over his features. "And, can you also get a side of those homemade chocolate chip cookies we talked about?"
"Sure thing," the waiter nods, jotting down the note. "Anything else I can get for you?"
"No, that's it for now," Joel says, his tone friendly yet distracted.
As the waiter walks away, I take a moment to breathe, my fingers tracing the rim of my coffee cup. I focus on the restaurant's ambiance, where small rounded royal green couches cradle couples and friends lost in their own worlds, engaged in quiet conversations. Soft gospel music plays in the background, the melodies soothing.
I try to calm myself, allowing the sounds of laughter and chatter to wash over me. But the knot in my stomach remains, reminding me of the words I refuse to say and the secrets I'm trying to keep hidden.
"So how are you and serenity? Any change in that." Joel says as he sips on his coffee
I shift in my seat, the question catching me off guard. "Serenity? We're just... friends." I shrug, avoiding his gaze. "Nothing's changed."
"Just friends?" Joel raises an eyebrow, clearly unconvinced. "You sure? I saw the way you two were praying for each other, covering one another. There's something there, kid."
I scoff, my frustration bubbling to the surface. "Yeah, well, it's complicated, alright? We had our moment, but it's done." I take a sip of my coffee, hoping the bitterness will mask the unease creeping back in.
"Complicated how?" he presses, genuinely curious. I can see the concern in his eyes, the way he's trying to connect without overstepping.
"Joel, can we not? I'm not in the mood to dissect my love life right now," I snap, my voice sharper than intended.
He raises his hands in surrender, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. "Alright, alright. Just thought I'd check in. It's what friends do, right?"
"Yeah, friends," I mutter, feeling the weight of the word hang between us, almost mocking me.
"I mean I am your friend I would assume, since family seemed too much?" He asks grabbing the fork and cutting into the muffin,
"Sure." I respond plainly, he sighs while chewing on the dessert
"I wish you would just let me in, youngin. That you would just give me more that the scraps I'm getting right now. It may be selfish but I don't care" he says as the waiter walks back up,
He sets the plate of homemade chocolate chip cookies down in front of me, the warm aroma rising up and making my stomach rumble. "Here you go, just baked this morning," he says with a friendly smile before turning to Joel.
"Thanks, man," Joel replies, taking a sip of his coffee, still focused on his muffin. The sound of soft gospel music plays in the background,
I can't help but feel the weight of Joel's words pressing on my chest. "I don't know what you want me to say," I mutter, my fingers picking at the edge of a cookie. "You want me to just spill everything?"
"Yes! I mean... kind of. Just, a little more than what you're giving me," he replies, leaning in slightly, his eyes earnest. "I want to help, but it's hard when you keep pushing me away."
"Pushing you away?" I shake my head, frustration creeping back in. "You don't get it. I'm trying to protect you."
"From what, exactly?" Joel's voice is calm, but there's an intensity in his gaze that makes me uneasy.
"From me," I say, my voice low. The truth of it hangs in the air, heavy and suffocating.
"Zeph," he starts, but I can see the worry flash across his face, and it makes me want to withdraw even more.
"I just can't do this right now." I grab a cookie, trying to focus on the sweet taste rather than the emotions swirling inside me. "Can we just eat and talk about something else?"
"But-"
"You know what, I think I'm just going to get this to go-" I start scooting out of the booth with the plate of cookies in my hand, leaving the coffee on the table
"Come on you can't leave like this!" Joel pleads dropping his fork,
"I'm going to pack some of my things and stay with ace for a few days... give you guys some time to- bond." I say furrowing my brows, he's silent for a while, he knows there is nothing he can say at this point since I'm already at the counter ready to pay.
"No, I got the bill, Jit."
I wait awkwardly for the waitress to bag the cookies, my fingers tapping against the counter. She finally hands me the warm bag, and I grip it tightly, eager to escape.
"See you, Joel," I call over my shoulder, not waiting for a response.
I push through the café doors and step out into the cool air, feeling the weight of his gaze on my back as I walk away, not daring to look back.
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Hey everyone! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, there is a lot to uncover so please drop some comments *drops to my knees and begs* I wanna hear from you guys,
In the next chapter, the gang is back to university! And has to navigate the uni life with their new found purposes. I think you're gonna like this ;)
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