Lilia felt awful when she woke up the following day.
Her stomach was still queasy and although Celeste's potion had helped, the thought of eating again made her feel nauseous. It was ironical really. She finally had proper food and shelter and her body's reaction was to get sick.
She got out of bed and went to the bathroom to freshen up. She pulled out the charm in her bracelet and enlarged it with her wand to reveal a satchel. She had applied a magical extension charm to it, and she dug in to find the calming draught that she needed to manage her tremors. She couldn't cast spells properly without them and she wanted to avoid negative attention on her. She swallowed one vial of the blue liquid, noting that she had about five weeks' worth of supply before she would need to brew it again.
By the time she was done, her roommates were up and complaining about how cold the weather was getting.
"Lilia, you have no idea how cold it can get up here. Hogwarts is up on a hill, and the breeze gets so cold," Evangeline exclaimed, clearly exasperated. Oh, she had a good idea.
"That won't be good for me. I get cold so easily," Lilia said, sitting down at the shared dresser table and adjusting her tie in the mirror. She brushed light fingers through her hair which was soft after she had washed it the previous day. When Celeste came out of the bathroom, she insisted on doing Lilia's hair. "I have such a cute hairstyle for you, Lilia! I can't wait to see how it turns out." She giggled slightly and let Celeste work with her hair. "Do you like my hair?" "It's so dark and beautiful. The only other person who has hair just like yours is Riddle."
Lilia's smile faded slightly at the mention of the prefect.
How in the name of Merlin was there a similarity between her and future Voldemort? The notion made her uncomfortable and solidified her plan of keeping their interactions to a minimum.
She wasn't even sure if she should try avoiding Abraxas Malfoy and Tiernan Nott. Draco and Theo had been raised with pureblood ideologies but they had not enforced these while at Hogwarts.
She had a better friendship with Draco than Harry, seeing as the latter hated that Draco had insulted Ron the first time they met on the train while on their way to Hogwarts in first year. Lilia met Draco and Theo in potions as they had been at the same table in the Slytherin-Ravenclaw class. She later found out that Draco had only wanted to befriend Harry and that he hadn't realised how his words came across. He was a boy who was just repeating what he had heard from his father. Theo was mischievous and had instantly taken a liking to her when she had made a sarcastic remark.
She knew that their grandfathers had been strict with enforcing their pureblood ideals, so she had to assume that Abraxas and Tiernan were firm believers of pureblood supremacy.
How could Celeste and Evangeline be friends with them? Icarus Lestrange had seemed nice and had been flirty with her, but he was still a Lestrange nonetheless.
Why Slytherin out of all houses? She stared at her reflection in the mirror as Celeste braided strands of her hair and she watched in amazement as the hairstyle was cute. It consisted of two small braids that framed her face with white ribbons at the end of the braids.
"This is beautiful," Lilia complimented, eyes lit up with admiration. "You are beautiful! See the contrast between the white ribbon and your black hair? I love it!" Celeste gushed, making Lilia smile widely. "Looks like you are her new guinea pig." Evangeline commented when she came out of the bathroom before continuing. "But you look so pretty!" "I don't mind being her guinea pig at all." Lilia laughed and turned her face to the sides, looking at the hairstyle from different angles.
"Let's go get breakfast now," Evangeline chimed in and Lilia nodded.
Grabbing their bags and materials for the day, they headed to the Great Hall. Many students were already up and chatting happily with their friends. Lilia had missed this sense of normalcy. She remembered the days when she would rush to breakfast with Padma and Luna and debate about whether adding milk to pumpkin juice was a delicacy or an atrocity. Lilia had discovered this odd combination by mistake and she had loved it.
As she sat at the table, she mixed her drinks to create what she had termed a world-changing pumpkin shake. "Did you just mix juice and milk?" Icarus gaped as he took a seat right next to her, startling her. "Hello to you too, and yes I did." Lilia smiled at him. "Salazar help me, you look like an angel yet act like a demon," he sighed dramatically, making her scoff. "That's all it takes for me to be a demon? Very low standards." "Huh. Let me try this little mixture then," he said, taking her cup in his hands. "Use your spoon," she reprimanded, making him roll his eyes. "You're so peculiar about this," he grumbled. "I don't want your saliva anywhere near me."
"Icarus, are you doing fine after she just insulted you?" Tiernan chuckled and he sat down in front of her.
Tom and Abraxas were behind him and the former sat right in front of her again. She cleared her throat, choosing to focus on Tiernan and Icarus instead of the charming man in front of her. "I'll take whatever I'm offered." Icarus said and dipped his spoon in Lilia's shake before bringing it to his lips. His eyes widened in surprise. "Fuck, this is actually so good!" "Language." Tom chided, raising an eyebrow at Lestrange. "Okay, father." The latter mocked before looking at Lilia. "You, pretty girl, are a genius!" "I told you so." Lilia felt smug and the others each took a spoon to try out her shake.
"Don't you want some?" She asked Tom, who was simply eating an apple. "I don't fancy the idea of juice and milk together." "So prejudiced," she tutted. Riddle raised an eyebrow before sighing and grabbing his spoon. Lilia blushed slightly when she watched the way his lips wrapped around the spoon and the way his adam's apple bobbed when he swallowed. Why was he so attractive?
"It's quite pleasant." He noted, eyes meeting hers as one side of his lips curled up in a small smirk. She was surprised when he actually made his own shake and she couldn't help the smile on her face when they all seemed to like the drink.
Padma, you would hate to see this .
After breakfast, Lilia headed to the potions classroom with Tom and Abraxas since the others had different schedules.
"How are you liking Hogwarts so far?" Abraxas asked her. "It's very comfortable," she replied, feeling small next to the two men who were practically a foot taller than her.
"Are you feeling better today?" Tom asked her, looking down at her just as she looked up at him in surprise. Flustered, she quickly replied, "Yes, I am. Thanks for checking in." "Just my duty as a prefect." It was a lie, one that he made up because he noticed that she had only drunk her weird milky juice that he didn't like that much (he had three cups of it) . Lilia hadn't eaten and after she threw up last night, this couldn't be a good sign.
They all sat at the same table for potions, Lilia sitting right next to Tom. This seemed to make Slughorn happy. "Ah Tom is my best student." He commented, sending a cheeky smile her way. She smiled back awkwardly and heard Tom scoff. She knew that Tom had always indulged the older man for his own benefits. It's how he found out how to make horcruxes. Had he already started his research on them? She did not remember the exact timeline of when he turned his diary into a horcrux, but it would have been during this year or the next.
"Are you not his best student?" She asked him, a questioning look on her face. "Oh, I am. There's no one better than me. He just likes to boast about it." Tom had a smug look on his face and she wanted to smack that annoying smirk away. "Hmm. Let's see about that." "Is that a challenge, Rousseau?" "It is." Lilia smiled at him sweetly, confident in her abilities to excel in potions. She had always been the top student for potions, a fact that Hermione and Draco had both hated. On top of that, she had brewed so many potions while working for the Order and she was practically an expert.
Tom eyed the dark haired girl with slightly narrowed eyes, determined to prove her wrong.
"Today we will be going over an interesting potion that you will be tested on for your NEWTS. The draught of peace. An ironically complicated potion to brew. Who can tell me the purpose of this draught?" Slughorn looked around the room expectantly, a satisfied smile on his face when he saw two of his own students sitting side by side with their arm raised.
"Yes Rousseau?"
"The draught of peace relieves anxiety and agitation. However, when wrongly brewed, it can put the drinker into a deep sleep." "Amazing! Ten points to Slytherin."
Lilia gave Tom a sarcastic smile, making him frown (cutely but she didn't want to associate the word cute with a future dark lord) .
Abraxas watched Lilia and Tom warily, already suspicious about the former.
The girl had fled from France and did not seem to agree with Grindelwald's views. He was expected to follow these ideals and to pass them down to his own children when he gets married.
Tom had been receptive to pureblood ideologies, taking to them more easily than he would have anticipated. Tom seemed to adhere to them more than Abraxas himself. The latter admired his commitment and dedication, knowing that Tom would make a fine Minister if that were to be his dream career. He was a good speaker, persuasive, and unbelievably excellent in his academic pursuits.
Abraxas had never seen Tom chatting with a girl the way he did with Lilia.
The previous night, Tom had told him that he had to get closer to the girl to learn more about her because he was convinced that she was hiding something. He was most likely right, and he knew that this was necessary.
Yet, Abraxas couldn't justify why he felt threatened and hurt when he watched Tom and Lilia interact in front of him.
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
Lilia's courseload was heavy, but since Albus had already tested her abilities, it wasn't too hard for her.
She was in classes she found very interesting, like Defence Against the Dark Arts, Potions, Care of Magical Creatures, Herbology, Transfiguration, and Study of Ancient Runes. Unlike during her time, students were not required to take as many subjects and she found it easier to manage. She was enrolled in six classes, all of which she had been personally interested in.
The first week of classes passed by smoothly for Lilia who fell into an easy routine. She would wake up and make sure to take a calming draught for the day, get breakfast with her new friends, go to her classes, get dinner, work in the library, hang out in the common room, and sleep.
In fact, it came so easily that her nights soon became plagued with nightmares where she constantly replayed the most traumatic moments of the war: the torture at the hands of Bellatrix Lestrange and Antonin Dolohov, Harry's death, the realisation that she didn't mind killing people, the gradual loss of her friends, parting ways with Theo, and the image of her brother's shredded body hanging from a pole in the middle of Hogsmeade.
She had no say in what her mind decided to inflict upon itself, and she woke up screaming a few times.
The first time it happened, she saw Harry and her first reaction had been to cry. She ran up to him, intending to hug him but he pushed her away. When her vision had cleared up, she realised with horror that he had a look of disgust on his face. "How can you live with yourself when I had to die?" She had been speechless, too choked up on emotions to be able to say anything. Silent tears streamed down her face as she watched him slowly morph into the decaying body she had seen hanging in Hogsmeade. "How can you live when I became like this? How is it fair?" He slowly started to fade away, and she screamed. "No, no, no! Harry, please, I'm sorry. Harry!"
Lilia had woken up with a gasp, and Celeste and Evangeline were shaking her awake.
"Lilia, wake up. It's just a nightmare." Evangeline had whispered in an attempt to soothe her.
"What happened?" She asked, voice hoarse and nightmare still fresh in her mind. "You started screaming in your sleep." Celeste replied softly, eyes watching the dark haired girl in front of her with worry. "I'm sorry," she apologised, feeling guilty for disturbing them.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Evangeline asked, squeezing her fisted hand gently. She shook her head no, "No, not really. I'll go back to sleep." "Are you sure?" "Yes. I'm sorry for waking you up." "It's okay, rest well."
Lilia watched the two girls walk back to their own bed, and she cast a silencing spell. The beds came with their own drapes to give them some form of privacy and she was grateful for that. They wouldn't see her shaking and squirming uncomfortably when her sweaty skin met her cold sheets.
After this first occurrence, she would have nightmares of everyone she loved blaming her for getting to live a proper school life while they died. She made sure to charm her bed with a silencing spell so that she wouldn't disturb her roommates.
Most nights, she woke up with a start and the memory of all her loved ones reproaching her.
Why do you get to live? How can you befriend the enemy?
It was exhausting and the guilt was eating at her.
However, on a more twisted note, she found comfort in the fact that she could see them, talk to them, hear their voice during her nightmares. They were not really nightmares, were they? They had to be dreams because she always felt relieved when she saw them even as she woke up with her heart heavy with guilt.
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
Potions was more theory driven than during her time. Slughorn took a few sessions to provide a detailed explanation about the draught of peace before finally having students brew the potion. Two weeks after she first started her classes at Hogwarts, she was finally able to put her skills to use.
This had been the longest time that she had gone without brewing anything. With the Order, she was always brewing so many different types of potions to take care of the students as well as those who got injured against death eaters.
She was quite accomplished, especially since she brewed the Wolfsbane potion for Remus Lupin every time he went through his transformation. A dull ache filled her chest again at his memory. He lived with lycanthropy, a fact that he divulged to Harry and Lilia after trying to keep it hidden. It had been hard to find the ingredients needed for the potion, and she had gone on a mission with Luna, Fred and Ron to steal them from Hogwarts.
Lilia was closer to Remus than Sirius, finding in him a father figure that she never had. He shared his insecurities with her, how he felt worthless because he was a lycanthrope and the wizarding society shunned werewolves. They had found a common point that they could share their feelings on. She told him that she felt worthless because she was not as impressive as Harry or Hermione, she didn't have the same impact.
She still remembered the sad look on his face as he spoke to her. "You are too young. No one your age should be having thoughts like that. Nothing about your family or school is normal, Lilia. You were meant to have loving parents and your biggest worry was supposed to be whether your crush likes you back."
Instead, as a mere child, she had to deal with a dark lord who had lost his mind and who was hellbent on eliminating anyone associated with Harry.
"Rousseau, you are done already? Merlin!" Slughorn's comment snapped her out of whatever daze she had been in and she stared at the cauldron in front of her. The potion was white, a telltale sign that she had correctly brewed the draught. "It is absolutely perfect, twenty points to Slytherin!"
Lilia smiled but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "Have you brewed this before?" Tom asked her, watching the solemn expression on her face. "No." She replied, turning to look at his potion which had just turned orange. "How did you finish so fast?" "Are you impressed?" "Merely curious." "I remembered the instructions from my readings."
Tom hummed in response and added seven drops of powdered porcupine quills in the potion, the colour changing from orange to white. Lilia had to admit that Tom Riddle was very talented: this was most definitely his first attempt and he had brewed it correctly. She remembered that she had struggled the first time she tried making the draught of peace and Snape had been more than happy to insult her.
Tom was convinced that she had spaced out and she had still brewed a perfect potion. She had not responded when Abraxas had asked for her to pass the satchel of powdered unicorn horn. He noticed that she seemed almost bored during lectures and yet, she scored outstanding marks in all her assessments.
When most students had finished brewing the potion (and failed) , Slughorn highlighted the steps where most common mistakes were made. Lilia sat next to Tom, his scent tickling her nostrils pleasantly.
Parchment, mint and a hint of smoke .
She shuddered lightly when his knee brushed against her own. Tom was looking away from her, watching Slughorn intently. She took the time to take him in. Tom Riddle was nothing like Voldemort and she didn't know how to piece the two of them together. They made small talk while eating together in the Great Hall, but she had tried her best to avoid him in the library because she was always searching up books on time travel. It would look suspicious if he always saw her reading something related to that.
Tom Riddle was academically gifted, excellent at duelling from what she had seen in their Defence Against the Dark Arts classes, charming, polite and unbelievably attractive . He often read the newspaper in the Slytherin common room, something that she had somehow never considered. She knew that Voldemort had been extremely powerful, even as a young wizard but it was strange to see him putting in the effort.
Everything had always seemed effortless with Voldemort but Tom Riddle worked hard every single day.
Later that evening, she was lying in bed while reading up on magical creatures.
Newt Scamander had been one of her favourite authors and his work on magical creatures stroked the soft spot that she had for animals. Yawning, she put away her book and got out of bed to head to the bathroom before going to sleep. When she pulled away the drapes around her bed, she noticed that none of her roommates were in bed. Strange. It was pretty late and they were usually in bed at this time.
Curious, she walked out of her bedroom and made her way out when she heard hushed voices coming from the common room. Slowly creeping down the hallway, she paused when she could hear people speak more clearly.
"Malfoy, has your family heard back from Grindelwald?" Tom's voice cut through the air even though he was not speaking loudly.
Lilia listened to them with halted breaths, heart pounding at the mention of Grindelwald.
"They have. My parents will be hosting a ball with other pureblood families and Grindelwald mentioned in his letter that he would like to discuss whether a war in Britain is feasible. Although, it seems that there is something between Dumbledore and Grindelwald that's holding him back."
"Good. This will be our chance to learn more about how Grindelwald operates. We are not looking to join his ranks, but to learn more."
"Riddle, don't you think this is too much? Grindelwald is a dangerous wizard." Celeste's voice broke through the silence. Lilia gasped inaudibly and brought a hand to her mouth to cover any sound that might come out.
"Are you backing away now, Meadows? After you had no problem doing what you did to that Hufflepuff?"
What had Celeste done? Lilia felt like she was going to throw up. Celeste was the sweet girl who had been braiding her hair regularly. This couldn't be true.
"I only did that to prove my loyalty to you!" Lilia could see the frown on Celeste's beautiful face.
"You still did it, didn't you? For all of you here, your parents want you to be in my company. And why wouldn't they? I created spells that no one ever thought of."
Shock and fear coursed through Lilia's veins. How had she gotten carried away in the illusions? This was still a young Voldemort, and they were probably the Knights of Walpurgis. She had hidden herself in the false reality that they were her friends, but they were not. A small part of her was impressed about his abilities at such a young age but she did not ponder over that for too long.
"Your families all believe in pureblood supremacy, and if you wish to rise to power, you have to gain the support of the most powerful people around you. All powerful people share Grindelwald's ideology. They want to get rid of muggles. We will build on that and work hard to bring ourselves to the forefront of the wizarding world."
He didn't explicitly state killing them off, and Lilia wondered if he wanted to do that.
"You are the one who came up with a symbol we could share, Meadows. You said you thought of it when you read a book. What's your excuse for that?"
No one said a word.
"I promised you all this one thing when we decided to form our group: power. As much as you wish to believe you are better than your parents, you still want power." Celeste didn't say anything, leaving Lilia to her thoughts.
The ouroboros was the inspiration for the dark mark. Celeste, the person who she thought was a sweet girl, was its creator. She designed the mark that would sow terror and invite death in the upcoming decades.
"Riddle," Evangeline eventually spoke up, "It's just that... Lilia has certain nightmares and Celeste and I think it has to do with Grindelwald's war in France. The girl is traumatised, she's agitated even while taking naps."
Lilia felt her throat clogging up when Evangeline shared her most intimate moments with the others.
"What do you mean?" This time, Icarus spoke up and Lilia felt a small part of herself withering away. This lively boy that liked to flirt with her was also a knight.
"She keeps mentioning a war where everyone will die. My point being that, Grindelwald is driven by the same pureblood ideologies and he's terrorising people to complete his task."
"Is Rousseau the reason why you are questioning what we are doing?" Riddle's voice was stern, and Lilia knew that it meant he was going to torture someone. Voldemort didn't like being questioned.
However, she was shocked as she listened to him continue. "We are not going to be barbaric like Grindelwald. We will find a way to impose ourselves without having to kill off thousands of people. It's too much trouble and energy, and this can all be redirected towards things that actually matter. Our power can speak for itself. As for Rousseau, she made a good point about pureblood numbers dying out. Some food for thought for our next meeting."
"What do you think of Rousseau?" Abraxas asked.
"My gut feeling keeps telling me that she's hiding something. I find it all too convenient that she somehow showed up here, on Hogwarts' ground to seek refuge from Grindelwald. Dumbledore has her back too, which is even stranger. Why is he supporting a Slytherin? He hates us."
"I once saw her going into Dumbledore's office too. She does that often, and I always see her because my Divination class finishes early," Tiernan Nott added.
"Meadows and Selwyn, keep an eye on her." "Yes."
When she heard shuffling, Lilia quickly ran back to her room, jumping in bed and quickly closing the drapes. As she expected, her roommates came back while talking among themselves.
"Tom is right, you know," Celeste began. "I did it, I hurt that Hufflepuff. I tortured her. No matter how much I lie to myself, I want power. I want to be so powerful that the world will remember me."
"I want to be powerful too, Salazar knows I have to prove myself to my parents. I just- I don't know if it's the right way to go about things."
"He probably wants us to have the others bow to us, acknowledge our power."
"Rule over them?"
"Yes. He hates death, you know."
Lilia didn't know how to proceed what she overheard. Voldemort hated death? No, Tom Riddle hated death.
"Shh, let's talk about this later. We don't want to wake Lilia up," Evangeline whispered. They did care for her , Lilia thought bitterly.
She waited for some time after she heard them get into bed, their soft snores the indication that she could get out of bed. She needed to be by herself to think about what she had just heard although she did find it odd that they would meet in a public place like the Slytherin common room. She could sit in the corner of the common room, hidden by the numerous bookshelves and mull over the conversations. With that thought in mind, she tiptoed out of her room in her soft socks which muffled any sound.
She walked down the hallway and headed to one corner of the common room behind the bookshelves. She visibly jumped and gasped when she came face to face with Tom, his back turned to her and a book in his hands.
"Come to look for answers, Rousseau?" He turned to look at her, eyes looking darker in the shadows created by the nearby fireplace.
"What are you talking about?" Lilia swallowed, wrapping herself with her hands when she realised how underdressed she was. She was wearing a long silky nightgown with sleeves that covered her arms with just her underwear underneath.
"I saw your reflection earlier." Puzzled, she looked back at the spot where she had been standing and she almost cursed when she saw it. There had been a cupboard with a glass door right in front of her that probably revealed her hidden spot, and she hadn't even realised it.
Such a mistake could have gotten her killed in her time .
"You smoke?" Lilia asked him, watching the very muggle cigarette between his lips. Tom inhaled and brought his hand to his mouth, pulling the cigarette away with an exhale. "Yes." "Why?" "What do you mean, why?" "It's harmful for your health." "Well, I smoke when I need to think sometimes."
Voldemort would have chosen to be buried alive before relying over such a muggle habit. Lilia quietly sat down on a couch next to him, bringing her legs up to her chest and hugging herself. She was cold despite the fire cackling in front of her.
"What did you mean when you said Celeste hurt someone?" It was a stupid question that she already had the answer to. "What do you think?" "Don't you feel guilty about hurting other people for no reason?" "Having power means having the ability to hurt and not facing any consequences over it."
Of course . Lilia scoffed, "So when you become the most powerful wizard in the world, will you just start killing off muggles?" "I wouldn't use death to accomplish my agenda. I will need them around to show off our power." "When you say our, are you referring to the six of you?" "You're smarter than these dumb questions, Rousseau."
She didn't say anything, but pondered over what he told her. This sounded nothing like what Dumbledore had shown them about him or like how Voldemort had been in action. Riddle didn't want to be the only one in power or in charge, he wanted his knights by his side. He didn't want to kill, didn't see the point in killing.
Yet, Voldemort had killed her with no hesitation. Another part of her also knew that in some situations, being alive could be more of a curse than dying.
Tom watched the young girl staring blankly at the fire in front of her, the sound of crackling wood filling up the common room. Her eyes looked glassy due to the flames and he remembered that Evangeline said she had been having nightmares, even while napping. What were the memories plaguing her mind?
"Rousseau." She hummed and turned to look at him, watching his dark eyes on her face.
"Were you very involved in the war?" Her expression fell and he found himself wishing he had asked something else instead. "I understand if you don't want to share." Lilia had to come to term with the fact that Tom Riddle was not like Voldemort. Not at all.
"I was," she responded, not elaborating on purpose. He acknowledged her with a nod, but didn't say anything. He looked solemn as he turned to focus on his book.
Lilia sighed and stared at the fireplace.
━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━◦○◦━
Gosh, I'm so slow at updating on ถถา๕ษ็ว๘, but I'm getting there.
Let me know what you think so far!