hiraeth - part one hundred-three
THINGS GONE UNSAID
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Y/n was sure she was going insane spending all of her time inside the walls of Capsule Corporation. When it wasn't her thoughts dragging her down a spiral of depression, she was somehow accessing muscle memory that she shouldn't have access to, and when it wasn't that, she was pushing her limits to her base form training with Goku and Whis, and even Vegeta. Even little things, like running into Gohan were starting to stress her out. It was nothing like staying in the Land of the Kais. She felt like she had to be doing something at all times, making use of herself, or else her thoughts would spiral. It was maddening.
The muscle memory thing was the worst of all. She hadn't put too much thought into it when she had accidentally helped Bulma, but now she kept finding herself in front of her old room. Like her body was intentionally doing this to her. She chalked it up to her feelings of having nothing to live for anymore, her body searching for things that she may have once done before she lost her memories.
Time had started to fly by once again, each day spent either training, or curled up in bed, hiding from the rest of the world. And before Y/n even knew it, six months had passed her up. Six months of training her body in the gravity chamber, six months of her and Goku's wedding plans coming to a standstill, six months of being trapped in an endless loop. And no matter how much she talked to Goku about it, nothing changed the fact that she never felt a need to continue her life anymore. Her life had come to a complete halt.
"Huh?" Y/n stared up at Goku with wide eyes, her mind processing the words that had just come from his mouth. She had to wonder if she had just imagined it, if he really did ask her such a question, but the nervous smile he gave her as he rubbed the back of his neck told her she wasn't hearing things. He really was trying to leave.
"Vegeta is leaving to train with Whis, and I really want to go," Goku explained further, taking her hands into his. "I think you should stay. You need to get used to living on Earth again, you've been gone for way too long."
It wouldn't have been an issue if only he hadn't said that. That meant they would be split apart, and Y/n wouldn't have anyone to lean on anymore. It was hard enough facing a past she couldn't remember, but now she was having to do it alone. She wanted to say no, that he could stay here, even train with her. But Y/n knew she couldn't hold Goku back. One of the core things that made Goku who he is was how much he pushed himself to improve, how he was constantly honing his skill. Y/n should have known from the beginning that this would inevitably happen. And it wasn't like she had much room to talk, she was leaving everyone behind all the time.
But that didn't change the fact that she didn't want to let him go, her hands squeezing his tightly as she looked down to the floor beneath their feet. She could feel Goku sigh, one of his hands sliding out of her fingers and tilting her up by her chin. He gave her as soft a smile as he could manage, pressing the tip of his nose against hers. "It'll be okay, Y/n. I'll make sure we won't be gone longer than a couple weeks, a month max. And heck, Bulma has that communication device that Whis gave her, I could even call sometimes."
Moving back, Goku pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose, cupping her cheek in his large hand as his smile grew, giving her a toothy grin. "You could even make more plans for our wedding! I'm sure Bulma will be willing to help if you need it. And when I get back, you can show me all of your ideas. I'm sure I'll love them."
He was trying to soften the blow of leaving Y/n behind on Earth, even if only for a short time. Y/n knew this, but she couldn't help the small smile that tugged on her lips. He was always so smooth about making her feel better, making her forget her worries.
Yet still, Y/n hesitated. Earth was meant to be her home now, but it didn't feel that way. Goku was her only reason for trying to make Earth her home again, and now he was asking her to stay, alone. She looked up to him with furrowed brows, frowning. "Why can't I go with you?"
"You need to make yourself more comfortable with staying here." Goku said, brushing a stray strand of hair from her face. "That includes being away from me sometimes."
Y/n huffed, moving her eyes away from him in a huff of annoyance. He always surprised her with his smarts, something he liked to keep covered up. He wasn't wrong by any means, and it was a topic Y/n had been dancing around for the last seven months, that she would have to get comfortable being here. Not necessarily around everyone, it wasn't like they would always live under Bulma's roof, but she had to get comfortable with the idea of living on Earth. She had to get more comfortable with her human side again.
"When I come back, you'd better have those wedding plans ready. We're getting married whether there's any plans ready or not." Goku pressed a kiss to Y/n's lips, as if to finalize the conversation.
And that was that. Before Y/n could ever prepare herself, she was watching Goku disappear, giving her that goofy grin that almost always made her feel better. Almost. But in that moment, nothing made her feel better as she finally came to terms with the fact that he would be gone for a whole month. She felt small, like the world might swallow her whole, and she would disappear in the labyrinth of her own emotions. It wasn't the end of the world for her by any means, but it hadn't been easy coming to terms with her lost memory. And now her biggest support was leaving.
Y/n barely caught the sound of Goku's voice as he called out to her, her eyes snapping up to his disappearing form as he held a hand against Whis's back. "I love you, Y/n!"
And before she could say anything back, he was gone. Despite knowing he would only be gone a month, it felt like he was disappearing for good. She didn't get to say she loved him in return. It left an uncomfortable pit in her chest, like her heart had disappeared and left a hole in its wake.
"You doing alright?" Bulma asked, giving Y/n a pat on her back. Everyone had stepped outside to bid them farewell, and Y/n had forgotten their presence, jumping at the contact of Bulma's hand. Y/n cleared her throat, staring down at the ground as she gathered her wits. It wasn't like she would never see him again.
"I'm fine. It'll just be a little harder adjusting without him," Y/n said. Some part of her wanted to be upset, mad even, that he would propose to her, make her want to stay on Earth, and then up and leave and make her deal with everything alone, even if just for a month.
Bulma led Y/n back inside, leading her to the kitchen to prepare her a "feel better" meal. Though a kind gesture, it did little to take Y/n's mind off of things, especially as Y/n went to bed that night. The bed was cold despite curling herself into the blankets, the lack of Goku's arms wrapped around her keeping her up more than she would have expected. It shouldn't have been so hard to adjust to being alone again. Being alone was supposed to come easy for her, she had spent years alone. But being apart from him was harder on her than she expected.
Y/n groaned as she scrunched her eyes up, sunlight burning her sleepy eyes. A repetitive thud on her door had awoken her from her light slumber, though it hadn't processed in her tired mind that somebody was knocking on her door until it slid open. Bulma invited herself into the room, hands on her hips as she looked down at Y/n.
"You're still in bed?" Bulma looked down at her, feigning disappointment, though she had a good idea as to what exactly was ailing Y/n. "If Goku saw you, he'd be dragging you out of bed right now."
Y/n furrowed her brows in annoyance, eyes still screwed shut. She didn't have an idea of the time, but judging from the way the sun shone through the wind, Y/n had to guess it was late in the day. Not that she really cared, Y/n had been intentionally trying to sleep away the day. She wanted to sleep away all of the days.
"I didn't sleep well." Y/n muttered, leaning her face further into the pillow, a weak attempt to hide her face. She heard Bulma sigh heavily, the edge of the bed sinking in slightly as Bulma sat beside Y/n, a hand moving to rub Y/n's back to comfort her.
"It'll only be a month, Y/n. I've never seen Goku compromise his training like that. He used to disappear for months, sometimes even years," Bulma said. Y/n sunk further into her fluffy pillow, groaning. What if he decided to start leaving for long periods again? Y/n needed him here, she needed him so she could have a reason to live.
She depended on Goku to give her a reason to live. Their marriage is the only reason Y/n is even willing to live on Earth, but if he starts spending more time away again, then she would lose that reason. The thought made her wonder if it had ever even been a good idea to accept his proposal. She was in love with Goku, but she couldn't live without him. She depended on him too much.
Y/n hadn't even realized she was shaking, trying to hold in her tears, until she felt Bulma's hands on her, trying to pull her up, calling Y/n's name. Pulling Y/n up into a sitting position, Bulma wrapped her arms around Y/n, holding her tight.
"Hey, it's okay, don't cry." Bulma gently rubbed Y/n's back, her eyes widening in surprise as Y/n clung onto her like a small child.
"I feel like I can't live without him," Y/n barely choked out, her eyes brimming and burning with tears. "I ruined everything and hurt everyone. I knew it was a bad idea to come back, I hurt everyone and lost my memories, and he's the only person that has forgiven me for it. I haven't even forgiven myself."
"I never blamed you for anything," Bulma squeezed her tighter, holding her close. "You're just a young girl, and you did what you could. I think you were brave for everything you did, everyone does. What happened in the future was just a result of too many bad feelings, but nobody thinks badly of you. There's nothing to forgive, because you didn't do anything wrong."
Y/n wanted to believe that, she desperately did. But she couldn't. Even though he had forgiven her, Y/n still couldn't forget the pain she had caused for a certain someone. "What about Gohan?"
"That wasn't your fault either. Everything that happened between you two was just bad luck, it wasn't either yours or Gohan's fault. He forgave you too, why are you so upset about this?" Bulma asked, pulling back to look into Y/n's eyes. Bulma wasn't sure she had ever seen Y/n so emotionally distraught, and the sight reminded Bulma that beneath the tough facade Y/n upheld, she was just a young girl. An emotional young girl in need of help.
"I can't forgive myself. It's all I can remember, the only memories I have are of causing pain for everyone. I'm not the person everyone forgave, I don't have any memories of that person," Y/n cried. Her tears finally overflowed, streaming down her cheeks, and her mind was suddenly dragged back into the bedroom she found herself in six months ago. She wasn't human, she wasn't Y/n.
"You are that person, I see it everyday," Bulma wiped away her tears, holding Y/n's hands tightly. "You might not remember, but we do. You're the same as you've always been, you just... went through a lot. But even though you can't remember it, your personality is still the same as the day I met you."
Bulma squeezed Y/n's hands, furrowing her brows. "But it's not healthy to depend on Goku that much. You need to have your own reason to live, not him. Surely there must be something you want to do?"
"The only memories I have are of fighting, so it feels like that's all I was meant for. I don't know how else to live," Y/n muttered, keeping her eyes on the hands that kept her connected to Bulma.
"Well then that just means we'll have to find something that you can only do here, on Earth. Something that you'll love." Bulma gave Y/n a comforting smile, before her brows creased as she dug through her thoughts. "We might have to start kind of slow though. Your interests before were pretty complex. Maybe you'd like photography? You enjoyed it before."
Y/n frowned, hesitantly shaking her head. She already associated the hobby with what happened in the bedroom so many months ago, she didn't think she could handle that for the time being. Bulma hummed, finger tapping her chin as she thought.
"You should come with me. We'll take a relaxing day, just you and me, and we'll find something that you like." Bulma rose from the bed, pulling Y/n along by her hands.
Y/n looked out the window with wide eyes as Bulma drove down the road, the radio turned up. Y/n had seen them countless times, and likely rode in them herself before, but she had no memory of it. It was her first time in memory riding in a car, and it was weird. It was nothing like flying. It felt slow compared to flying, but just as dangerous. Y/n didn't know how Bulma managed to stay so relaxed while driving.
"Where are we going?" Y/n asked as she looked over to Bulma, who was singing along with the music on the radio. She glanced over to Y/n before grinning widely.
"Whenever I have nothing to do, I go shopping! And it provides a nice distraction," Bulma said. She cleared her throat, her gaze flicking between the road and Y/n. "Plus, I only ever see you wear that one outfit. Life gets pretty boring when you only ever wear one thing!"
Y/n raised a brow, looking down at her clothes in confusion. Did clothes really matter that much? Y/n wasn't sure Bulma's reasons for enjoying life would line up with Y/n's.
Shopping did provide a distraction from Y/n's anxiety, if only because it was hard to think over the noise of so many people in one place, loud music echoing throughout the mall. Y/n didn't see why Bulma would enjoy something like this, especially when Bulma began to make Y/n try on clothes. And just as Y/n had expected, human clothes felt so foreign on her, she could hardly stand to even look at herself.
"Why do you enjoy this?" Y/n mumbled as she stared at herself in the mirror, bunching up the fabric of her clothes in her fists. She couldn't get over how strange she looked in casual clothes.
"It's fun exploring new styles and trying out new things! Maybe this isn't your style, we can keep looking if you want," Bulma said as she held out different shirts in front of Y/n, as if to see which would best match her.
"I don't get it. My clothes are just fine." Y/n tilted her head in confusion, trying to ignore how much she hated looking at herself in the mirror. It just didn't seem right. Y/n didn't feel human, and wearing human clothes felt wrong. She sighed, pushing away the shirt that Bulma held in front of her, turning away from the mirror. "I don't think this is for me. Was this something I enjoyed before?"
"It's not, but you shouldn't worry about what you enjoyed before. People get new interests all the time, that's the fun about living," Bulma said with a smile. Y/n looked up to her in confusion.
"What do you mean?" She asked, watching as Bulma lifted the pile of clothes she had Y/n try on.
"I mean that's what's so fun about living here. To me, anyway, I like living because I like trying out new things, getting new experiences, that kind of stuff. You said you felt like you had no reason, and that's your issue. You're looking for a reason, when there isn't one. The whole point of living is to just enjoy yourself." Bulma explained, stepping out of the dressing room. "Anyway, I'll let you get dressed. We'll go find another store after that. Let me go pay for this stuff."
Y/n stared at Bulma in surprise, her mind stuck in its tracks as Bulma's words set in. Y/n's eyes suddenly widened as her brain finally caught up, reaching out to Bulma. "Wait, I don't need all of those-!"
The door slammed shut, leaving Y/n alone in the room. She sighed, shaking her head with a smile. However, just as silence fell upon Y/n once more, her smile faded as she looked back to herself in the mirror, Bulma's words echoing in her head. Y/n really had a lot to learn about being a human if what Bulma said was true. It never even crossed Y/n's mind that, for the average human, life didn't truly have a purpose. They were simply living in the moment. They didn't look for a purpose, didn't wait for fate to give them a reason to exist.
It wasn't something Y/n could easily wrap her mind around. She didn't know how people could live like that, knowing that there was no point to them existing other than to just be there in the moment. All Y/n knew was fighting and death.
The thought just made the idea of her being human become even more distant.
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// word count - 3064 //