d e a t h
I didn't want to see him today, so I'm at the Gryffindor tables waiting for my friends.
"Quibbler?" Luna came facing the entrance, glaring at me, a bunch of papers in her hands, her funny dreamy glasses at the top of her head, impossibly long wavy hair.
I smile weakly, "Um, no, thank you, Luna."
"I really like that on you." Luna smiles gently, glaring at my head. It took me a few seconds to realize she was speaking about my blue hair, "I always thought you'd look marvelous with blue, although," she gives me an apologetic smile, "you seem quite sad. Do you want to talk about it? I have chocolate frogs, if that serves you any odd confort."
"Thank you." I give her a weak grin, moving my hair awkwardly, "Its okay, Luna. I do not want to talk about it. But, well, maybe I do want a Quibbler...?" I say, grinning - though I'm just pretending, trying to appear cheerful.
"It's alright to be sad sometimes." says Luna, moving foward to sit in front of me, by the window, "I am sad from time to time, too."
"Oh." I look down, she hands me the Quibbler, I stare at the moving pictures, reading a few words to avoid her eyes, but my mind is a broken record. I can't help but wonder. I should trust her today. "How do you deal with it?" I ask. I need to know, I want to know how she's done, "With the pain? Of losing your mother, how was it?"
"It was very sad." she replies evenly, careful glare, "She was an extraordinary witch, but you should know people aren't gone forever. Only their physical body is gone," she grabs my cold hand, warming me with words of consolation, as if we weren't born to face this haunting war, made by the lust for power by evil men. "they really aren't. They will always watch over us. I dream about my mother sometimes. I don't believe the world is as sad as people tell us to be."
A tear started to form but I haven't cried, I can't cry, I can't let that happen right now, I don't want to lose it again. I have to keep pushing, "Do you really believe that?"
I'd really like that, to believe.
Someone clears their throat.
Her and I angle our faces.
"Couldn't miss the Quibbler." she says, her fiery hair in a ponytail, bright smile, wearing a white shirt, bright eyes, "What you two chatting about? Have you heard what happened at the Garrick Ollivander's shop?"
I have been pretending to not know what has been happening; as if poor lonely families weren't desperate to live - collecting the few shoes they had because they couldn't afford anything else; that their shoe laces have been gone for months now, used to tourniquet a wound others had caused. Then, they'd go to the rest of the curtain's material planted above the old windows, cutting strings to replace something as simple as a shoe lace. To keep their feet protected. Warm. Normal.
Their baths colder than ice, their home's walls were empty, vague, anything would come through. At any time - they weren't powerful enough to face otherwise.
The tragedy of war has been implanted on the ground for a while, the roots are too well ingrained in the earth's soul, no hero could mend it to their will, or cut the fever away. It could only grow bigger. We are humans, not Gods.
Perhaps if we were, it would've been worse.
I know what happened. I don't know why I delicately demand such awnser. "What happened." I don't ask. I just say.
"Death Eaters destroyed the whole place," she says, "along with a bridge, things are out of control-"
"Hey, hey girls," Cassie pops up, curly black hair, brown happy eyes, though I think she's pretending today, "oh, yes, gimmie the Quibbler."
I hand it to her, smiling flatly. I turn to Ginny, remembering she was with a dark, handsome boy at the station, snogging in front of everyone, wondering why she'd give up on Harry so soon, I need a normal life, a normal conversation "So, Gin, are you dating that boy, Dean Thomas?"
"Ha, ha," Cassie makes a strange sound, I scoff as I hear it, watching Luna silently staring at us, "that's a delicious question, tell us, brave Ginny Weasley."
"Um, kind of," she blushes, glaring at her hands as she plays with the sleeves of her shirt, "he's nice."
"Nice?" Cassie asks in a retort, "Is that why you're dating him? What else is he? Kind? Submissive?"
"Come on, Cass," I turn to look at her, giving her a look, as if I'm saying mind your business, "Let Ginny explore her possibilities."
Though I agree that Harry is way more handsome, boyfriend material.
"So, I have to ask, we were all wondering..." Ginny begins, an uncomfortable silence sits in this place, her giving strange looks at Cassie, Luna, me. I'm a bit unaware, looking at Cassie, but she gives Ginny a smoldering look. Ginny finally takes the courage to ask me a question I didn't want to hear today, though everyone seemed fine and didn't think I was the problem, but perhaps I am, "You didn't rat us out, didn't you?" she asks uncertainly.
"What?" I stare at her, already angry.
"Sorry... " Ginny stops me, "I know you didn't, we just didn't understand why you would... well..."
"Well what?" asks Cassie, unsmiling. "Spit it out."
"Fine." says Ginny, "We were just confused as of why you were dating Malfoy." she looks away from me, licking her lips, narrowing her eyes at Luna, "And why he looked madly in love with you. It's strange. We all hate him."
"I agree." Luna nods once, "He was indeed madly in love with her, I saw it at the forest."
I'm already feeling irritated by this question, though they are welcome to speculate. I understand that falling in love with a school bully isn't the smartest thing a Ravenclaw would do, but I guess that's why I don't belong there anymore. They'd never understand, even if I explained every detail, but the truth is that sometimes I don't even know myself. I don't know why I ended up falling in love him. I've told Cassie, yes, but I just don't know why it had to be him. Everyone hates Malfoy, but me.
But me.
But you.
I'm afraid I'd be putting these friendships I've built from last year on the line because I accidently fell in love with him.
But they don't understand. He healed me a lot.
But he also broke you to pieces, starved for repair.
no.
I need to move on. "Him and I are over. You don't have to worry about that." I say resolutely, glaring at everyone, unfortunately noticing that Cassie gave me worried eyes, as if she's sad, playing with her ring.
"You have us now." Luna reaches my hand. I grab it. I don't like the feeling, but I let her anyway. "Things happen. If it's meant to go otherwise, it will."
"Your hair is really nice, by the way." Ginny compliments me, she had been staring at my hair for a while just like Luna did, waiting for the opportunity to say it. "It's a bold choice. I love it. Makes you really pretty."
"She's mine, by the way." says Cassie smirking proudly, predatorial "You have Deany Thomas, so go snogging with him, I have her."
-
"Mara, wake up-"
I had been sleeping the whole train ride - hopefully not drooling a river inside this train - dreaming of mad, mean dreams that had been daggering my subconscious since summer had begun.
Draco's just always there.
Standing in the cold fog, unreadable expression.
Staring.
He never leaves.
"Mara, wake up, we've arrived-" says a familiar voice, courageous, cunning, "don't make me yell through your ears-"
I respond to her between a moan and a groan, tying my hair up in a bun. Then, I use my wand - that was being held by my hands, during my sleep - to reach for my bag, above me.
Ginny left already.
Luna and Cassie waited for me.
For some reason, I only want to be with Luna today.
I tell Cassie to go.
"I have a strange feeling about this train," says Luna, seeing through her glasses, "have you noticed?"
"Everything seems strange now a days." I reply flatly, "You said you wanted to check something?"
"Yes." Luna looks back, smiling at me, "You were sleeping the whole ride. I'm sure you did not notice the black fog caused near the Slytherin part of the train, no? It was interesting, I wonder how that happened."
"Oh?" I didn't know, "Really? I'm glad I wasn't there, then."
"Is it because you're avoiding Draco?" I press my lips together as she asks me, everyone seems to be bringing up Malfoy into my life, even when I clearly stated him and I are done. I don't need any stupid reminders from insensitive people, like my dreams weren't haunting enough. I hate it. I hate sleeping, it has turned into an opened gate straight to hell. It's meant to let me rest, not this. I can not find piece anywhere. "I feel like you need to talk about it with someone."
As we walk through the train, finding whatever she wants, I say a bit angry, "Isnt it obvious, Luna? I don't want to talk about it."
"You don't have to." she picks up her wand, we're both alone, "I just wanted to say that I have never seen Draco like that before. I keep thinking about it."
"Like what?"
"In love." she replies, looking surprised, "I have never seen Draco in love. He liked you quite a bit." I sigh, painfully listening, "I grew up watching him hate, but never love. I just found it quite extraordinary - the way he'd do things he'd hate just for you. Or the way he'd stare at you at the forest. He was quiet, and he's never quiet. He was staring at you differently. Admiring how you looked in a dress with days so cold."
"Do you think he actually loved me?" I say as we open a door.
"I guess so," she replied delicately cheerfully, "which is shocking. He can be quite rude, but yet he bought you a beautiful necklace, which you're not wearing today."
"I'm not."
"It's a thestral, isn't it?" Luna asks, audibly grinning, "I wasn't sure he could see them. He made fun of me for years because I could."
"No, he can't see them..." I say thoughtfully, "The reason why he knew is because he said he remembered me."
"Your pratonus?"
"Correct."
"And how could he not?" she stops, staring at this room of the train and with ease, through the colorful glasses, "It was impressive, back then. Before you left. Dumbledore was fascinated with you. Everyone was. I know Draco would remember you. He has good memory."
"I don't." I frown.
Then, we keep walking, and walking, "We're almost done." says Luna, "I wonder why the windows are closed over there." she points away.
"Let's go check, then."
As we enter this part of the train, I can't help but have a bad, gut feeling about it. I stare at the floor, besides Luna, sensing that something was in front of us though we couldn't see. She stops, grabbing her wand, speaking a simple spell to reveal what it was.
I gasp, confused and shocked when we both find Harry paralyzed, eyes opened, on the floor, bleeding from a broken nose. Luna steps back, quite stunned - but not scared "Hello there, Harry!"
Harry stands up nervously, finally free to move, clearing down any dust from his clothes, nose bleeding; somehow his glasses are intact, "Luna, Mara- Hi." he looks around fretfully, "How did you guys knew where I was?"
"Your head," Luna replies, "It was full of-"
"Intuition." I cut her off accidently, a bit preoccupied with how he ended up bleeding that much, "Are you... okay?"
"Uhm... Brilliant." he says with some sort of emotion in his voice, "We should go, before the train leaves," we follow him and leave the train.
-
We all gathered to our houses, changing to our uniforms, though all I've ever wanted was to sit at the Ravenclaw or Gryffindor table.
The old, nostalgic candles illuminated the room above our heads, blowing warm fire around us; as if the coldness of the world couldn't break through the windows that protected us from harm. Our world is drowning in pure fear, no delicate mother or protective father would serve any conform. Their children would rather hide under their beds, too afraid to see what it could happen to them. I wouldn't be brave enough to spend another day with someone I loved, knowing the war has just begun.
My solace at this time, though it sounds worryingly obscure is that I am glad I have no family anymore. I wouldn't have to experience the worry or the feeling of turning on the old, rotting radio no one had touched for years, in hopes I wouldn't hear their names.
I don't want to love anyone anymore, because the loss of them would demolish me.
My brain feels obligated to make everyone hate me so maybe I could hate them too.
Losing things you hate doesn't hurt.
I couldn't have dinner.
My stomach is being mean.
Brain too.
Heart, too.
Everything.
It's all rude.
My hair is still in a bun, but I tie it up to a ponytail.
"Aren't you going to eat?" Pansy's eyes narrowed mine worryingly, "I'm usually the one never eating."
I push all my hair back, too long, my arms cramping, "Today I'd rather not."
"That's worrying." her eyes and brows harneded, "Are you sure? You can have the rest of my salad. Or the orange juice. I don't want it."
"It's fine."
"Come on," Pansy rolls her green eyes at me, "let me do something nice for once. Is it because of your boyfriend?"
"Shut the fuck up, Pansy." I say furiously, my eyes lock in with hers, her mouth opened slowly, whammy, I will absolutely curse her if she speaks any further about someone that suddenly everyone wants to bring to the table. I will bring their deaths, too. "I don't want to talk about Malfoy. I do not appreciate your hungry curiosity. I will not tolerate any of your bullshit questions from now on. I'm not scared either," I say, "of getting expelled by killing anyone."
"I-" Pansy stutters, mortified, she scratches her head as if she suddenly had a huge head ache, "I'm sorry- I didn't mean-"
"Fine." I cut her unjustly, I do not care how people perceive me anymore. I'm fucking irritated today. "Don't bring up his name. I do not want to hear it. I'm exhausted."
"Okay."
A silence.
Pansy's a big paralyzed, going back to her food.
I try to pretend that I had not seen him.
Him, sitting and glaring at the floor, in his own little world; drowning in the void by nothing expect himself - which was hugely haunting enough.
Thoughts, wishes, desires are no good being accompanied only by one single thing: us. Humans can't bare everything. We can only extend so far, until the line has been crossed.
In his tired, grey, gloomy gaze, my stomach was sick. I had been pretending so eminently that I hadn't noticed the way he'd stumble; the way Malfoy wasn't tan - that he only grew paler just like time had; like he had turned into a skeleton; his body would grow thinner, colder, vague, purposely unreachable. His armor accrued harsher, reflecting hatred, agony, negative change that wasn't supported by the universe, but by something else that didn't belong here. It was never meant to belong.
His hair was perfectly brushed - never messy. His deprived skin urging to burn looked like ice in his uniform, making him look unreal.
And something was flickering inside him, something I couldn't see, but the fog was so past mild that it was enough to delete it all away.
He hadn't seen me.
I had.
It felt like if he tried to look for me, he'd never be able to restore himself back up.
-
"First off, let me introduce the newest member of our staff: Horace Slughorn." says Dumbledore, I look at the professor, he has a kind face, "Professor Slughorn, I'm happy to say, has agreed to resume his old post as Potions Master. Meanwhile, the post of Defense Agaisnt Dark Arts, will be taken by Severus Snape." Pansy looks at me, giving me a confused look, I ignore it and stare at Severus, sitting behind Dumbledore.
"As you know," Dumbledore continued evenly, "each and everyone of you, were searched upon your arrival here tonight." he pauses shortly, "And you have the right to know why."
We keep staring. Our attention focused.
"Once," says Dumbledore, "there was a young man. Like you, sat in this very Hall. Walked these castles corridors; slept under it's roof." i know very well, i know so well, "You see, to all the world, a student like any other. His name," he echoes his voice through our hearts, "Tom Riddle."
"Today of course, is known all over the world by another name. Which is why, as I stand, looking out upon all of you tonight, I'm reminded of a sobering fact. Everyday, every hour, this very minute, perhaps, dark forces will attempt to penetrante this castle's walls. But in the end, the greatest weapon," pauses, looks at me, at everyone, Harry, "is you." and then, smiles, "Just something to think about." claps his hands, "Now, off to bed. All of you."
I stand up, tighning my pony tail, Pansy stands up as well, suddenly touched the tips of it. I turn quickly, staring at her. She tried to grin, saying, "You look crazy with your hair, but I think it also looks okay."
"Thanks."
"I didn't mean to upset you." says Pansy as we both walk to the Common Room, as I avoided Malfoy, though he genuinely hasn't looked at me once, "I can't say I'm sad about it... but, well, it sucks. I thought I'd stay with Flint forever."
"Flint's a cunt." I say, Pansy laughs, I don't know why she seems so different this year. She isn't always nice, unless she needs something from you. "But you're being too nice, Pansy. Is there anything you need to ask me?"
"That can wait." she replied.
Of course.
"Tell me. I don't want to wait. I know you don't like me."
"You don't like me neither..." she says fastly, we're approaching the Common Room, "But... well..."
"I'm short on patience today." I say, my voice sing-song.
"I was wondering if you could help me date Malfoy..." Pansy stops, looking at me anxiously, pressing her lips together as if she was scared to ask that.
She should be.
"Turns out you and Flint are both fucking cunts, aren't you?" I smile, "Well isn't that so romantic."
"I-"
"Get lost, you idiotic girl." I spat and walk away.
I'm not fine with any of people's behaviors today.
I'm glad I didn't see Malfoy around anymore, so I slept for the rest of the night.