The red glow from the underside of his eyelids assured Blake that he was still in this world as he woke. He forced open his eyes, drained of strength, then closed them straight away as the sun pricked them like needles. Though it was afternoon, he failed to notice the sun's warmth, only the cold winds that gently tousled his fur. In a way, he was glad for the cold. Any other time of year his blood wouldn't have clogged so quickly and he would have bled out.
In the way of noticing the swollen pain of the bites, he felt betrayed. He felt the remorse Jade excreted as she attacked him. Her subconscious was stopping her from killing him. He thought that once he had blacked out, she would change back to her normal peaceful self and stay with him until he regained consciousness. Like a tow rope hauling too much weight, the connection he felt with her snapped. He thought he knew her.
A heartbroken tear rolled out of his eye.
The same emptiness that compacted his chest was the same he felt when he forced himself to break off his pleasantly developing relationship with Sky. It hurt. A lot. But this time he was on the receiving end of the blow. Having it forced upon him was a terrible experience. He never knew a pain like this. On reflection, he suffered even further when he starting thinking of what Sky had gone through when he had said "sorry, it's not going to work". What kind of a monster was he that he could do something like this to someone he cared about and not think afterward - not until now - of what was going through her mind?
Blake understood the reason Jade attack him, yet it was completely unjustified, even if Blake did believed he deserved it. He wanted to be mad. He wanted to scream and break something. He had done so much for her and she repaid him with teeth.
In the end though, he did what he had been doing for so long before Jade enriched his life. All survival thoughts were no longer felt needed, so his human trait took control. He fell into a well of severe despair. Still, he waited, wishfully. Jade had to have cooled off and was now coming back. Even as the crows made worrying flights past his body, he stayed.
*
This only lasted a couple of hours. He was in the open in the daylight. Not good for a fox. With maximum effort, he got up slowly with bloody leaves stuck to his neck. Jade's attack of blind rage had sapped all his strength, both physically and emotionally. Moving was a chore in itself and the will to go anywhere was hard to do. With more of a stagger than a walk, the lonely fox made his way through the woods. With each step, he pined softly. He lost his reason for staying in this world. All life had no meaning anymore.
Continuing to walk, not even hunting, he arrived at the place he hoped he would have forgotten about by now. His tiny rabbit burrow. He sighed before he entered as he thought of what he had hoped to have with Jade. Once a warm tidy hole in the ground when he first found it, all it held now was the cold shards of shattered memories. For a long time he had Jade to help keep a chamber cozy. He tucked himself into the tiny chamber and wept as he fell asleep, preparing himself for the nightmares of the separation that were to come.
He couldn't sleep properly. Over time, he had gotten used to her soft body leaning into him. It made them both comfortable. He wanted to feel her back pushing against his chest and her ears occasionally flicking past his nose. He even wished for the pins and needles in his legs from having her body lying on them. Anything that would remind him that Jade was there.
Slowly, the burrow began to warm from his own heat. Not the warmth he wanted though. He wondered if Jade was experiencing the same loneliness.
*
The next night came and he wandered into the cloudy darkness. Terrified of the familiar surroundings he had become accustomed to, he hunted with no will to eat. If it were up to him, he would have chosen to lie down and wait in a quiet place somewhere, either for Jade... or death. Whatever came first. Without Jade, his morale was at the lowest point possible.
One thing that had changed about himself, that he was now very appreciative for, was his developing wild ties. His stomach grumbled and in turn his wild fox trait kicked in. Along with his increased urge to fill his belly, that stubborn self-loathing human mind was swiftly put aside. A much more forthcoming and determined Blake was now in charge. And it had one thing on its mind.
I have to have her back!
One way or the other, he had to find her, convince her he was still important to her, and retie the bond. There were not going to be any lame excuses, no thoughts of doubt, and no believing Jade didn't like him. This Blake was not going to let the same thing happen now as what had happened to Sky. Jade was too important to just let go.
However, how to woo her was beyond his comprehension. What could he do to prove his life meant something to her? What more could he do? He had saved her two times, three including his transformation. He had shown his intellect by using a silver tongue to make Cleo and Shadow run the other way, and raiding the chicken hutch with maximum results showed his forward thinking. Even if that night did almost kill them, the food they got was marvelous.
When his gut growled again, and the tug at his realization that there might be more to their relationship than friendship, it dawned on him. The only core things wild animals thought about were food and mating. The latter was out of the question. No matter how much they would love each other, the boundary of his human state of mind could not possibly be crossed to create a sexual relation with her. However, when he told the dogs after their close escape that he wanted to mate with her, and the words came out naturally, the thought suddenly confused him.
The only thing that would bring her back would be food. Finding something that would appeal to Jade's palate would be tricky. Rabbits and mice were her current diet, so getting anything she ate regularly would be insignificant. On occasion they would scavenge dead sparrows and crows, so poultry was also out of the question. He had to find something special.
People had special food all the time. Oh... the thought of bringing her a hot roast lamb with all the trimmings was divine. Blake had not eaten human food for so long that even a burnt toasted cheese sandwich was mouthwatering, and he was sure Jade's would too. She would basically be compelled to come back to him. After last time though, he never wanted to see another house again. Surely there must be something in the wild that was tasty and rare enough to be called a delicacy?
Well, Blake thought determinedly, to find something new, I have to go somewhere new.
Not wasting a second more, he ran in the direction of the river, thinking along the way of what other wildlife lived in the woods that he had failed to notice. He remembered that sometime ago while plodding along the river he spotted small hoof tracks of something he didn't recognize upstream from the waterfall. He had quickly ignored, for they were too big to be anything he could hunt. Maybe there were some grazing animals farther upstream in open lands where he hadn't explored yet, possibly some feral sheep or goats?
After making it to the river in no time at all and now trotting up stream, he pondered on how to deliver this bounty of food to Jade as well as making sure she knew it was him who made the kill. Going straight to her den, saying sorry then paying the fine seemed inappropriate for the outcome he wanted. It had to be done subtly. Leaving it in a place he knew she passed often and letting her discover it might be the best way. If she was truly regretful and knew he wanted her back, she would come looking for him.
*
Half the night passed before Blake saw any change in scenery. The river had curved in a few places and he had passed a couple of light rapids before the flowing water widened to a lake. The trees here became farther apart and grew a lot taller now by not having to compete for sunlight with its neighbor. Long grass grew, along with stray blooming purple flowers here and there.
The tracks he saw that time ago showed themselves along the, now muddy, shore line. Now that he had a proper chance to take notes of what they looked like, he was surprised to realize they didn't look like the traditional hoof prints of most animals he knew. A single print had four main identifiable marks: They were two small dots behind two much larger elongated ones that pointed and curved slightly towards the tip.
Blake smiled. He was heading in the right direction. Sniffing the imprints, he searched his mental scent library for the right match. Recollection here was going to be tricky. He had to compare a scent from something he judged as a man to something he knew only as a fox. The difference in aptitude was massive.
Definitely not sheep, he thought, eliminating possible animals from his proverbial list.
He sniffed again.
Pretty sure it's not goat...
He was puzzled. What other creature could make a hoof print like this that wasn't either one of those that could live out here? Allowing his nose to take the lead, he made slow progress away from the lake and into the unclaimed grasslands.
This new area was full of different smells. Not only was there such a variety of different animals, but the plant life was amazingly pleasant. For the first time in ages, he saw flowers. For a brief moment he thought back to being a human and their customs. Bringing Jade a bouquet of flowers would surely bring some sentiment to his apology. He could imagine her eyes tearing up as she held a quivering smile at the gesture before leaning in a nuzzling him compassionately. He grinned dismissively, knowing she would sooner use them as a cloaking means for hunting before she went giddy for their scent.
The aromas tickled his senses which made him smile. Cautiously making sure no one was looking, not that it really mattered, he quickly yet gently put his nose in a passing purple flower and took a deep breath. With his enhanced smell, the floral fragrance was splendid. He quickly absorbed it and got back to the job at hand.
*
After tracking for a mile, he came to a small ridge and stopped. Tiny silhouettes specked the grassland in the distance. From how far away he was, he had no idea what they were. The smell they gave off was nothing he recognized, but they were irrefutably the things he was tracking. He had to get closer. Sliding sideways on his paws down the two meter slope of the ridge to meet the flat ground again, he started stalking through the grass. He knew nothing about them. Nothing needed to be taken for granted here.
In the time it took Blake to trot that last mile was the same amount of time it took him to creep the two-hundred meters needed to make out the creatures outline. The fox was relieved with the cover the grasses here gave him. The affect the grasses height made to his stealth was grand. The wind blew more freely here so there were more chance to move without being heard. This cover gave him unhindered time to paused and watch as he was uncertain of what action to take.
The creatures he had been tracking were a small herd of eight while-tail deer; three fawns at their respected mothers' side, two more does without young, two young bucks that had only just started to grow into their antlers, and one - most impressively - huge buck at the herds head. He wanted time to study them, both for interest and how to tackle them. He didn't realize these lands had deer roaming freely. His time as a human told him nothing. As a result, he never researched them. Back then his mind was solely fixed on foxes.
The thought of what one of these beasts could do to his and Jade's relationship was a wondrous thought. Not knowing for sure, but Blake was certain she never had venison before. On the other hand, he had never tasted it either. Just a fawn would give them enough meat for five days. The will to make the kill was fueled by the possibility of having a full stomach, as well as having Jade back. Something since his transformation he never had.
With the long grass as his cloak, he weaved his way closer. Hunting deer, he had to change his entire tactical approach. Small game was challenging enough, but having something that not only had the bulk to resist most if not all of his attacks, protection of the whole herd, and also had the ability to take off from a standing stance faster than he could run at full bolt, one slip up and his journey would be for nothing. The victim had to be small, something away from the buck.
He glanced furtively at the head of the herd and saw the massive thing grazing contently, often lifting his head to admire his does. Blake didn't need to read a book to know the males were dangerous. Blake admired apprehensively the multi pronged antlers that grew from his head. The buck's antlers could easily impale the weak fox if he got too close. Effort had to be made to shim around behind. He tried not to think about what would happen if the buck got him, but eventually he pictured himself run through with its sharp points.
Creeping through the undergrowth, the grass seemingly parting before him, the silent killer made his advance, shutting out all fears and doubt, determined to fulfill his task. Rounding the herd while holding a constant gaze on the buck he gradually got closer in a wide circle fashion. The herd seemed calm, like they were resting. Everything had to be done silently. Invisibility was important, more so here. In order to make the kill, he had to leap directly at the unaware fawn. That meant getting up close and personal.
When the wind rustled the grass, he moved. When a deer stepped, he moved. Every advantage that presented itself was used to the fullest extent. Soon behind the herd and well away from the buck, he moved in. He found a doe and her fawn at the rear of the pack and locked on. Eye contact was never broken as he stealthily closed the gap. Despite being hidden in the grass from the side, from their elevated height, the deer could spot him over the grass if noise was made once he got near enough.
As he got closer, he could feel their subtle heartbeat in the air and used it as a guide. They were placid for the moment; the young feeding beside its mother without a care. It hurt him seeing this, knowing he was going to take it away. Does were protective of their young and cared accordingly... and Blake was going to kill one. One thing was for sure: whatever the outcome, something was going to be in pain, whether it was physical or emotional. It might even be him.
I really hope this is going to work, Blake thought.
He was meters from them now. Making slow movements, Blake froze as the doe lifted her head. The fox spotted the flicker of moonlight in her eyes as they glanced in his direction. He had been spotted! He wouldn't be able to run after her or escape the charging herd. Panic set in and he got rooted to the ground. With clenched eyes, he waited for the thunder in the ground to envelop him.
It never came.
His slowing heart made him think clearly and he cracked opened his eyes slightly. He saw a second chance. The doe turned her back to him casually and continued grazing, not noticing him. The fawn followed suit and struck out boldly a few feet in front of its mother, lightly picking at the grass. The hunt was back on.
With a second wind, he advanced again. He stood directly behind her now. The characteristic diamond shaped tail taunted him as he knew the fawn was his target. With the eyes on the side of the mother's head, getting around to her fawn would be impossible even with his cover the way it was. From here, he could see the skin around the back of her eyeball twitching as she watched carefully over her young. He had to improvise.
The baby was planned to be his kill. With guilt slowly seeping away from his conscious, Blake knew it had to change. The mother would be on him quicker than he could do any damage. And so, the mother was now the target, and he was going to use her own protective instinct as her weakness. She watched her young chew grass. Her concentration was almost strong enough to stop her eating.
It was logical from his fox perspective to go after the weakest of the herd, and now that his human trait had made it quite clear that it wasn't going to happen that way, it growled in anger. Fighting back the wild influence inside, Blake was glad the target changed. To take away a baby from its mother was beyond repugnant. Though his true self hated leaving the fawn, it was better for his own sanity this way. To kill a baby just to have Jade be his friend again was wrong. At least this way the fawn could continue exploring the circle of life.
Blake crawled between the mother's stilt like, yet powerful, hind legs, hoping she wouldn't start walking again. Single-minded, he stayed directly under her. He was in a hole now he couldn't escape unless he made his plan work.
The doe stepped around, following her head as she searched for more greens, shadowed by the unknown fox. He could see her tongue moving inside her mouth from under her jaw as she chewed. The arteries on either side of the windpipe pulsed calmly through her thin skin. On either side of that pipe he could see spots like a faint glowing pointer on the areas he had to damage. Anywhere else and the attack would come off as a cut. He heard the wheeze of her breath in her lungs and smelt her perspiration. All of these tried to trigger his bloodlust, but he held back with a great amount of willpower. Right now his inner fox was snarling beside the focused human aspect, begging to take back charge of the situation. But Blake held on. He would let himself go once it was time. Not before.
Calm down, he thought soothingly.
Every time he hunted this happened within him. His human trait would take charge in planning and rationalizing, then once everything was sorted his wild self would swiftly take control and play everything they had agreed upon, then help sooth his gut as he ate the bloody corpse while his other more compassionate trait looked on in disgust. It worked most of the time. Only now his fox self was bolder and sharper. It became harder each night to control his logical thinking.
He took one more step. His nose was almost touching the deer's throat as he reached up, out of the security of the long grass. He opened his mouth, aimed his fangs directly over the kill spot and was about to clamp on...
Suddenly the doe lifted her head and looked around in boredom. Keeping himself calm, the fox lowered himself into the grass just as slow as he reached out. Any sudden movements would set off the alarm. He had gone too far to mess up now. Luckily, this gave him a chance to rethink his plan. The method of killing had to change, too. This creature wasn't something he could simply pickup and shake if he didn't get a blood vessel like he could with a rat or a rabbit. Deer were going to attack when faced with an enemy if their numbers were there. He would be a piece of plastic wrapped around a pole during a wind storm if caught.
The attack plan was set. He had to bite when the doe was grazing, and then, when she raised her head in fright, he had to rip his teeth back. If he missed the windpipe in the initial strike, the sudden pull might just grab or nick an artery.
Once the doe was settled and started eating again, he reached up. He felt his bloodlust burn within him; the signal that this was the right moment. The kill had to be done now. He got close, guiding his sharp fangs over the jugular. He human trait backed off weakly and his free to explode. With all the force he could muster he snapped his jaw shut.
The effect was immediate. The stunned doe lifted her head. In that brief second he felt insides of her neck. His fangs missed the windpipe. Phase two: he jerked back sharply.
His fangs caught!
The only thing he remembered before he ran was a pulse of blood spilling over his face, then the doe fleeing with the rest of the herd.
Although the horrific power of his lust for blood cried for him to give chase, the fox never lost his cool and switched to survival. He knew the buck would be after him. The only safe place he could think of was in the trees. But with so little trees around this area, all he could do was run. In the distance there was a copse comprised of a at least ten small cypresses, yet he knew he would never reach it before the buck did. The closest thing he could find to a tree was a small blackberry bush a good fifty meters away.
Through the thunder of the escaping does, bucks and fawns, he felt in the ground the undeniable heavy thud of the herd leader stampeding in his direction. Legs a blur, the fox sprinted towards the bush. The snorting got louder as the buck quickly closed the gap. Diving headlong into the thorns, the fox looked over his shoulder to witness the ferocious beast tearing at the shrub within seconds. He couldn't feel the pin-like thorns sticking into his body. The fear of being trampled and impaled to death was too strong.
'Don't think you can hide from me in there!' grunted the buck, foaming at the mouth with rage.
Slowly, the powerful antlers tore more and more branches out of the way as Blake struggled to get in deeper. The fox hit the end of the line when he scrapped the trunk and panicked. Wrapping his body around the thick base of what was left of the bush, all he could do was watch as the buck, with increasing delight of catching his quarry, tore the last branch away.
Fully exposed, Blake tried to run, but to no avail. As soon as he jumped out, the buck jumped on. He felt himself being pushed into the broken branches hard with the points of the antlers compressing his chest, and then being pushed along over the thorns that had just been ripped off. He yelped and screeched with each one that buried itself into him. It was impossible to fight. The buck flicked his head up, sending the light fox flying through the air like a stick.
End over end, Blake managed to find his balance in the air and calculated his landing almost perfectly. He landed on his hind legs then started running immediately with his front. The boost the flying start gave him stunned the buck. As he ran, he gave a fleeting glance back. The buck was not after him anymore. Having made his point quite clear, and seeing all the herd galloping off, seemingly unhurt, he gave a final furious snort at the fleeing fox before trotting off before any of the younger bucks got any ideas from his absence.
Out of sight, and feeling secure after having made it to the copse of trees, Blake stopped running. Satisfied that the buck had lost interest, he sat in the welcoming shelter of the few cypresses and allowed himself to pant heavily. He began to recall just what had happened in those seconds of fury. It felt like there was a lot of blood on his face, but it was deceiving just what accounted for a lot of blood to a deer. An amount like that would have kill a rabbit instantly. He was sure he had made a lethal hit though. He was curious if he should go back. Had he done enough damage to kill the doe?
But first Blake knew he needed to relax for a while and to see to his body. The next phase of his thinking was what damage did the buck did to him. His muscles surely felt bad, yet he was positive no bones had been broken. He was more surprised to find that the only thing that penetrated his skin were the many blackberry thorns he was pushed over. He went to pull out the thorns, only to whimper in pain before he could even move. His whole body screamed at him. The damage done by the buck had ruined his muscles and moving anytime soon was not going to happen. But the pain of the thorns weren't any better. If they weren't taken care off soon, they would get infected.
Somehow, he had to pull all the thorns out of his side. Inspecting his body at the many burning points that signaled a thorn, he braved a determined frown. It felt like a lot, but when Blake looked, he only spotted five deep ones. The rest had only just punctured the skin and were hanging there by his fur. They still hurt nonetheless. He took great care removing the deep thorns. It shocked him just how big these things were. One that was in his leg was at least an inch deep. He whined with each one he pulled out with his teeth, but he yelp pulling this one out. Blake swore he felt it glancing his bone.
Once finished, the sky began to lighten. The night had already passed and he still had lots to do. If he was successful, then there was a deer body lying somewhere out there. He had to get to it first before anything else.
Anxious and fighting over the pain of his batter body, the wary fox made his way back to the spot of the attack. It wasn't hard to miss the bush he tried to hide in. The morning's violet light made it look like a hurricane had been through. Broken branches where found strewn up to ten meters from the stump. Luckily, the herd had moved on, leaving him free to search.
The smell of blood was strong and he quickly found patches on strings of grass. With this scent etched into his mind, adding to the menagerie of other scents, he set off. He found another splatter of blood a meter from the last. Then another. This pattern continued consistently until he found what he had hoped. Near the lake, the body of a doe lay dead on its side.
After inspecting it, insuring that it had indeed died from his attack, he sighed in relief. It was one thing to make a kill, but to leave a wounded animal running around in agony was grief inducing. Guessing by the distance from the attack to here, she had bled out a few moments after the bite. That sudden gush of blood came directly from the jugular.
One thing troubled him now. Not the future of her fawn – the herd would look after that – but how to get this thing to Jade. This gift of meat had to be delivered covertly. She would know it was from him and if she wanted to reignite their friendship she would find him. Seeing each other first would only create a sense of awkwardness.
Yawning, he knew sleep was going to be priority. And his body needed a proper rest after what his put it through. He had found his kill and was pleased by the lack of interest by the birds, for the moment anyway. Still, he lay beside it and kept guard. Soon, in the warm glow of the rising sun, he was asleep.
*
The sun had barely had a chance to set before Blake woke up and began chewing on belly, trying vainly to get in. All day, the aroma of fresh meat was too strong, and after coming to the conclusion that he would never get the whole carcass downstream, he lost the gilt of eating some and felt greedy. The best bits, like most of the organs, had to be saved for Jade, but she would understand that his body needed nourishment. What better than a fresh portion of venison?
He chewed and chewed on an area of skin just under the rib-cage. His fangs struggled to gain a grip at the best of times. When he did manage a good hold, the shear thickness of the hide stopped him from making any progress. Unlike rabbit skin, this was grown to endure a lot more wear and tear from the deer as the traveled frequently. After half an hour he gave up with a frustrated grunt and a sore jaw. His teeth weren't going to cut through the hide like he expected.
Of all the things he had accounted for, he failed to take this into mind. What good was a kill if he couldn't get inside to eat it? He needed something sharp. Straight away he thought of the skinning knife Sky had given him. Its short blade - and also very sharp he had found out - and worn handle would be perfect for him to grip in his mouth. He grinned. That blade was becoming more important to him the more he lived his life as it turned out. His smile was short lived as he remembered what he had done with it. He was sure his parents would have by now thrown it away, as it was a horrible reminder of what they thought their son had done to himself. That was even if it was still around the house. By all accounts the police would have taken it as evidence during their investigation of the surrounding fields and woods...
That's it! Blake thought brilliantly in a hallelujah moment.
There was still a blade only he knew of in the woods. In his old refuge he used to visit as a man, inside the hollow log by the cliff edge. His samurai sword. It was not as sharp as Sky's knife, but it would still do the job with some effort. It wasn't what he had pictured himself using, he even doubted he could wield it at all, yet if there was a chance of getting the "I'm sorry, Jade" package to Jade, he was all for it.
He made a beeline to the lake, then made the long journey to his special place.
*
He really hoped this worked now. It was a four hour round trip, and carrying the sword all the way back turned out to be a lot more awkward than he thought. Throughout the journey he had to tip his head sideways to keep the point of the blade away from the rough ground and the very likelihood of dulling it, so when he did arrive back at the carcass, one side of his neck was so tight felt like it was going to burst. By the end he dropped the blade unceremoniously in mid stride and groaned thankfully as he stretched his neck muscles.
Once he loosened everything up, he grabbed the handle and lifted, with a begrudgingly large amount of strength, then placed the cutting edge on the belly. While holding the handle in his mouth he reach his forepaw around, planted it on the back edge of the blade and pushed down, giving him more force with each cut. Within a few of pressing strokes the blade sliced through the hide. When the cut was big enough, Blake let the sword drop and let his hunger take over. The first thing he found was one of the doe's massive kindness.
Full of energy, he back got to work. Slowly sawing away around its hind leg, he filleted most of the meat from the thigh. With the hard part done, he got to thinking on how he could transport most of the organs. The answer became obvious. He rolled his eyes before grabbing the sword again with a tired moan and cut a round section of skin from around its belly. When the massive hole was made, the organs oozed out into a huge mass of fluid and guts at his paws. Disgusting in nature, the smell for him was delightful beyond what he ever thought. With his mouth drooling, he worked past his urges and continued cutting off the hide.
Finally, he was done. With the choice organs lying on the section of pelt, he place the large slice of thigh meat the middle and then rolled the belly skin around the lot, creating a makeshift drifters bag. He was ready to make peace with Jade and prepared to leave. But not before having his fill on the huge amount of leftovers to the point of having his belly distended, of cause. Pleased with his work, he grabbed the parcel and trotted back to the river, then downstream.