I'm so sorry for the long wait. But as a reward there will be a double-update today. Here's the first part. The second one will come in a bit.
Enjoy and thanks for not giving up on me ;)
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The fallout of our public display of affection wasn't as bad as expected. Sure, every yellow press paper and all the gossip blogs posted their stories, the pics were all over Twitter and Tumblr, but everyone spoke of the fairytale lovestory of best friends falling for each other. Harry loved it. I hated it. It put so much pressure on us. We were still figuring out what we wanted for ourselves and with each other, we didn't need the public breathing down our neck.
After St. Barts we flew to New York to meet with the team and sign the contracts, that would officially make me part of the team. Harry had rented the penthouse with a fantastic view over the city. My first night there I spent on the very comfortable couch, watching the city that never sleeps through the big windows. When Harry woke me the next morning he looked incredibly confused.
"Why did you sleep here?", he asked, his voice still showing a bit of that morning raspy-ness.
I shrugged, sitting up and stretching my limbs. "I was watching the city and fell asleep.", I yawned.
He pouted. "I was hoping to wake up to you."
I frowned. He was being clingy, or at least it felt like that. I stood up and walked to the bathroom.
"Well, tomorrow then.", I called over my shoulder.
I didn't know how to handle the situation and as I showered I tried to figure out where to go from here. I wanted to be with Harry, more than anything, but I also wasn't ready for all the attention. After all that was one of the reasons I had wanted out of his life. I sighed. Things weren't going to be easy.
I left the bathroom just to find that Harry had ordered room service.
"I thought you wanted to go out for breakfast?", I asked, clutching my towel to my chest.
He shrugged. "I figured it would be nicer, if it was just the two of us."
I smiled. I was glad he still knew me so well. I nodded. "Let me just get ready, I'll be right out."
"I'll be here."
When I came back, dressed in my sweatpants and one of his shirts, Harry was on the phone, leaning against the window frame and looking out over the city, like a King looking at his Kingdom.
"No, mum, we're fine. Everything's good... Yeah, she's great. We're having a really good time...Of course, as soon as we're back, I'll visit you... Mum, nothing's changed... Alright. I love you too. See you soon."
He turned around. "Oh hey. That was my mum."
"I figured, since you only call a hand full of people 'mum'."
He chuckled. "She says 'Hi'."
"Hi back."
Harry gestured at the table. "Please, have a seat."
As I sat down, the words 'Nothing's changed' echoed in my mind. How could he say that? So much had changed. I felt like my entire world had been turned upside down. The press now called me Harry's girlfriend, but we hadn't talked about it yet. I didn't want to put a label on it yet. I mean the friends with benefits thing had already done quite a bit of damage to our once beautiful relationship. Anything else might destroy it completely.
"Harry, we need to DTR.", I said, after taking a big gulp of my orange juice.
He frowned, somewhat confused. "We need to what?"
"DTR, you know, define the relationship."
"Oh, ok. I thought we already did, but yeah, that was before the very public kiss and everything."
"Exactly and even before that I wasn't really happy with the definition."
His eyes widened. "You weren't?"
"No. Friends with benefits is a concept for people who are acquaintances, not for best friends."
He nodded. "Alright. What do you want?"
"Me? I was hoping you knew what you were looking for."
Harry frowned and got up, pacing the floor. "Not really. I thought we'd just go with it and see where it takes us, but when the papers started calling you my girlfriend...I don't know, I guess I like that. A lot."
He gave me a hopeful look that broke my heart. How could I tell him what I wanted, when he looked so happy at the idea of, well, us.
I sighed and shook my head, taking apart the croissant in my hands. "I don't know, Harry, I don't really feel comfortable with putting a label on it. Can't we just enjoy the moment? I mean, you said it yourself to your mum: Nothing's changed."
"That was just to shut her up. She kept babbling on and on about 'our future' and stuff."
"And that scared you."
"Well yeah, I mean, we're still young and we just started dating. I'd say we have a few more years before we should even start thinking about a future together."
I smiled and got up, walking over to him, stopping him mid-pace and taking his face in my hands. "See, then we're on the same page."
Harry frowned. "I don't think so. I want you to be my girlfriend. I want to take you out to nice dinners, I want to bring you flowers, I want you to be there when I need you and for you to hold me when I feel low."
I chewed my lip and let go of his face, turning away. "I'm not that kind of girl, Harry. I can't make that kind of commitment, especially not with you. I mean, there'll be cameras flashing every time we go out and there will always be people that think I'm not good enough for you. I can't deal with that, while at the same time taking care of this relationship and working hard in my new job."
Harry leaned against the window and stared at the ground, a frown between his eyebrows. He looked incredibly lost.
I shook my head and sighed. "I'm sorry, maybe this DTR thing wasn't a good idea. Let's just enjoy the day, 'cause tomorrow it's back to work."
It took a moment for Harry to come back to reality, but then he gave me a small smile and nodded. "It'll be fine. Let's just enjoy the moment."
And so we did. After breakfast we tested out the different surfaces of our hotel room and broke a table and a lamp in the process. At least we knew we were good at something, even if it was just sex. Later that day I snuck out of the hotel's backdoor, while Harry dealt with the paparazzi in the front and we met up half an hour later in a cute little café in SoHo. Nobody took notice of us, we were lost in a city of people. That way we got to have our secret little rendezvous, as Harry called it, without any disturbance. Afterwards we went to a concert one of Harry's New York friends was giving at Irving Plaza. The place was packed, but we sat in our little corner on the balcony and only a few people spotted us and took pictures. But I didn't care. I enjoyed being here with Harry. Just the two of us spending time together.
"Let's get out of this city.", Harry muttered into my ear, halfway through the set.
I turned in his arms to stare at him. "What?"
He grinned. "Yeah, let's go. Someone told me about this place, Cuh- or Coo-... well, I don't know how to pronounce it, but it's on the tip of Long Island and it's supposed to be really beautiful and quiet. We can walk along the beach."
"Harry, it's really late and that's a two hour drive, four hours roundtrip, and we got work tomorrow."
"But late tomorrow. Come on, you used to love our little adventures and midnight driving."
His grin was wicked and his eyes sparkled. I couldn't say no.
I laughed and shook my head. "You're crazy." I paused. "Alright, let's do it."
So we rented a car and drove up Long Island, our windows down and a warm breeze ruffling our hair. Harry's right hand was always on my thigh or my neck or in my hand. We just drove and talked and it felt great, like old times.
I felt like his best friend again and I loved that.
When we finally reached the place with the unpronounceable name, we drove straight to the beach, got out of the car, left our shoes inside and walked barefoot over the sand, hand in hand.
"I wish it could always be like this.", I sighed.
Harry smiled. "Yeah, me too. Just you, me and the moon."
I laughed. "Right, there's no hiding from the moon, is there?"
Harry turned to me, taking my face in his hands. "No, and I don't wanna hide. Baby, you're perfect for me and I want the whole world to know it."
He sealed his lips to mine and made me believe every word he'd just said. And it would have been perfect, if it hadn't been for the little voice inside my head.
Carefully I pushed Harry away. "H, I can't, I told you."
"Oh come on, Y/N, you saw how great we were today. Don't you want that every day."
"Well, no, I don't wanna be your other half, the girl on your arm, that everyone will just refer to as 'Harry Styles' girlfriend'."
"And I don't wanna go back to friends with benefits."
For a moment we stared at each other.
"So...where does that leave us?"
Harry shrugged, hanging his head. "I don't know."
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Well, well, I hope you guys haven't gotten used to this relationship yet, because we're certainly not out of the woods (pun intended).
Good thing there'll be another part soon xD
Lots of Love,
Alex