Xander
9 weeks after Mesi woke up...
I cracked my knuckles, trying to wake up enough to pay attention. At the moment, my teacher was talking about some stupid calculus thing that I would probably end up teaching myself anyway since he was such a shit teacher, but I was much more concerned with daydreaming. My thoughts floated from food and ferris wheels at fairs to what it would feel like to be the last leaf on a tree. I decided on lonely.
I watched the snowflakes falling silently, gently, on the other side of the glass. The glass was the only thing that separated me from outside; from the chilly air and wet ground and biting winds, and the freedom. I felt so cooped up in that stuffy classroom, like I would burst if I was made to sit there any longer. I wanted to escape, to break free from my mind for a while. I imagined jumping out the window to the snow banks below and running away forever. I'm not sure if I didn't do it because I didn't want to leave, or because I just didn't have the guts.
No. I didn't do it because I held out hope that someone, somewhere, needed me still. That if I ceased to exist, someone would care, someone would feel that loss, someone would notice the hole in the shape of me that took my place in the world. It was all I could do—hope.
I tapped my pen against my fingers, bringing myself back down to earth. I glanced at the notebook under my arm, where I was meant to be taking notes. Sighing, I jotted down a couple sentences my teacher spoke verbatim. It's not like it would make much of a difference, but at least I would get participation points. You know, those stupid things that give teachers the freedom to drop your grade if you're shy or sad or tired or just have a lot on your mind.
I sighed as the bell rang, too out of it to be thankful for the end of the school day. Grabbing my books off the desk in front of me and shoving them in my backpack, I got up to leave.
"Xander?" Ms. Snyder looked up at me as I passed her desk near the front of the classroom, causing me to stop.
"Yeah?" I said cautiously.
She smiled at me, like, really smiled. Then again, she was the only teacher in the whole school that ever showed any affection towards me. "I heard you got accepted to the CSAIL program at MIT this summer." It sounded like a question when we both knew it wasn't.
I was a bit surprised. I'd heard back from the admissions a while ago, and it was just reaching her? How did she even know?
"Yeah." I shrugged.
Ms. Snyder looked at me like she was waiting for me to say something. "Well? Are you going? It's an amazing opportunity and it'll look wonderful on college applications."
I knew that. I knew this was a one-in-a-million chance. I knew that it would pave the way to acceptance letters from my share of universities. I knew it was big. But I still didn't know if I could go. There was just so much more in my life, what with Mesi to take care of, and my mom who would die without me, and the whole mystery of the note that somehow had to do with Sam. It was all so complicated and confusing that I wasn't sure I could afford to go away for the summer.
"I don't know," I mumbled, scared to tell my math teacher I might not take a place in a math program.
She didn't say anything back, and when I finally looked up to meet her eyes, they were filled with concern. That was never a good thing—concern. It lead to questions, and questions led to either answers or lies, and the lies would get answers soon enough, and answers led to action and whatever that action was never resulted in anything good.
Ms. Snyder pursed her lips. "Is everything alright at home, Xander? You know, you can tell me anything."
I shot of anger flared in my chest and I struggled to contain it. They all said that. They all said it, but they never meant it. If I told anyone what I was really thinking, they would probably send me to the doctor and jack me up on medication. They tried right after Sam died, when I had the biggest breakdown of my life and punched a kid.
Thinking about that day made me want to throw up. The last thing I wanted to be was my mom. I loved her, but....
I pulled a smile onto my face and nodded fervently. "Of course. Everything's great. I, um, actually have to get home so I can help my mom make dinner, so I'll see you tomorrow? Great!" I sped out of there like a cheetah was on my trail. I knew I wasn't very convincing, but as long as I at least tried to pretend like things were fine, they couldn't do anything.
...
I was sketching my shoes on the side of my homework on a bench by the lake when I heard someone nearing my sanctuary. Their feet sunk into the snow so quietly I didn't notice until they got close. Their footsteps were light, which meant they were probably a girl or a child—
"Hey!"
I jumped ten feet into the air when Mesi popped her head out from behind the bushes, and dropped my homework in the lake. Wonderful.
I fished the vocab sheet out of the water and took a deep breath when I saw that the ink had smeared and it was no longer legible.
Mesi stepped closer to me and leaned down so we saw eye to eye. "Sorry about that! I didn't mean to scare you," she giggled.
I really didn't mean to do it, but I was in a bad mood and I. Just. Snapped. "Then you shouldn't have snuck up on me! Maybe then I wouldn't be sitting here with ruined English homework—you know, from the class with the teacher that hates me the most? Now she's going to give me an F and I'm going to have to find some extra credit to make it up! But she probably won't give me any because SHE HATES ME!" My chest was heaving as I fumbled to snatch up all my papers and start walking back home. Of course, Mesi followed.
Mesi placed a hand on my shoulder gently, but quickly retracted it when I glared at her. "I-I'm sorry, Xander. I really didn't mean to do it. I can email your teacher or something if you want? Explain it was my fault?"
Normally, I could pull myself back from a freak-out like this, but I was just so exhausted of everything Sam and Mesi and the lake was my private place that I didn't even know how she found, and all I wanted to do was take my mind off of it all—but then she interrupted me.
"Just leave me alone," I growled, my last-ditch effort at not saying something I would seriously regret. I mean, I already wanted to take back everything I'd screamed at her, but I was worried I'd insult her somehow if I continued.
Mesi stopped walking and stood there on the path as I continued home. I sighed, silently thanking her for not pressing any further. I knew it was selfish, but all I wanted was to be alone.
...
I dropped my keys on a dish near the front door and kicked off my shoes as I entered the house. It was quiet. Either she was passed out or gone.
Venturing around, I discovered no one. That happen occasionally. She would just up and leave for a while. Sometimes it was a day or a week or there was one time where she didn't come back for a month. That was rare, though. I supposed she could return later that night, but it was unlikely—she didn't like driving in the dark and the sun was already going down.
So I microwaved myself some pizza bagels and signed in to Netflix and spent the night watching Vampire Diaries. It was my secret addiction, and just another remnant of all things old-Mesi. She had a knack with getting you obsessed with things you never imagined could peak your interest. And they were usually things like chick-flicks and drawing whiskers on your face because she showed you the gate to the Phandom. It was kind of annoying, but there was nothing you could do. If Mesi wanted to show you something, she got you to the point where you couldn't live without it.
I smiled when I thought about it. But the smile didn't match the growing ache in my chest. I hated finding new things every day that would never be the same without Sam or the old Mesi.
A/N: Okay, so just let me say I'm sorry before you start yelling at me for not updating. I'm sorry. I know it's no excuse but I've been away the last couple weekends and then I had a big project and then I was just really tired and I've had a lot on my mind and a lot to figure out and yeah...sorry again. So here is a new chapter COMPLETELY UNEDITED. I hope you like it even though it's not great, and I'm going to try to get back to the old schedule of posting on Mondays and Fridays. Sound good? Great.
Also, thanks for helping me reach 5k reads! Y'all are AMAZING and I honestly love you so much, no bullshit.
Lastly, you might not know this, but I've written a couple short stories and recently, by story Here. won second place in the YoungAdultReads Spring Break Contest. I think you'd like it if you like H2O, so feel free to check that out. (Or not, it's your decision.)
Okay, that's all I have to say! Keep being amazing and I'll see you soon!
OH YEAH! And I decided to keep the cover the way it is for the time being :) Thanks for all of your input on that decision, it really helped!