I stare at Jessica with my mouth open. We both sat on the bed staring at each other. I hugged my knees to my chest, mirroring Jessica's posture.
"You did what?" I ask.
"We sort of... had sex." She whispers, even though we were alone. Her cheeks grow even redder if that is possible.
"When? How? Where?" I ask, still stunned at her confession.
"Umm... Tonight, a lot of wine, in one of the gardens in the Royal housing district." Jessica says sheepishly.
"What was it like?" I was suddenly very curious about what a man would be like. Jessica and I had... satisfied each other in the past. Nothing ever romantic but it was more and exploring how our bodies worked. Also, it tended to be a good stress reliever for me. But a man? That had to be completely different, especially one you were romantic with.
"Amazing."
Jessica starts giving more details than probably appropriate but I was hooked on every word. We talk late into the night, well later because it was already so late when Kal kissed me. My cheeks flush again at that thought.
"What is that look for?" Jessica asks, breaking her tale of dancing in a crowded tavern. I bite my lip as I hesitate.
"Kal kissed me." Jessica squeals.
"Wait, is that a good thing. Doesn't he supposedly have this big secret that could get him killed?" I say and throw myself against the pillow.
"I know! I know. But when I am with him my stomach flips and my heart pounds in my ears. I feel like every piece of me is reaching out to him." Jessica squeals.
"Lee, I feel the same about Donovan. I think you are in love." I groan and roll over to hide my face in the pillow before looking at her again.
"Jess, I just met him a couple of months ago."
"Longer than I have known Donovan." She points out.
"I don't know." I roll away from her and I feel her comforting arms wrap around my waist and we fall asleep in the fading darkness as the sun begins to push it back.
A soft knocking woke me from my sleep. Light streams in the windows. The knocking sounds again, a little louder. Jessica was still fast asleep next to me. I force myself from the warmth of the bed and wrap the robe that hangs over the chair around me. Knocking again, even more insistent. I unlatch the door and come face to face with a concerned Kal. He is dressed in his full armor. Concern on his face is immediately replaced with a bright grin that I am sure is reserved only for me. My heart flutters in my chest.
"Good, you are alive in there. I was beginning to worry when the two of you missed lunch."
"Lunch!" I exclaim.
"Yes, my... Yes, Lena. Lunch."
"Oh dear, why did no one wake me sooner? I missed court! Oh and the reports. And my ladies!"
"Lena, the only one officially who can wake you is Lady Jessica. Court was handled by your advisers, reports will still be there when you have time, and your ladies have gone to town and do not plan on returning unless you wish to send pages to call them back." Lena's panic deflates a little.
"Well, you have been busy then."
"Yes, I spent the morning sparring, instructing my men to notify me if you emerged. Then I began to worry."
"You worry about me?" I ask, I almost cringe at the horrible attempt at flirting.
"Always," Kal responds seriously.
I look back into the room at Jessica's sleeping form. Then I stick my head out to see the backs of the two guards, too far away to hear and focused on outside threats.
"We should talk. About last night?" I say, dropping my voice so not to wake Jessica. Pain crosses Kal's features.
"My lady, nothing has changed. I just had too much wine to be of sound judgment. This, us, cannot happen." I feel like a knife stabs through my heart.
"Kal... is that really what you want? There not to be an us?"
"No." He whispers, looking away from me. I look at him to try and search his face.
"What I want and what is right are two different things, Lena. Please, let this go. We cannot fall for each other because we can never be together, not like what we should."
"I could command you to marry me." I was growing desperate and stupid, panic fills Kal's eyes.
"Please, Lena, find a suitable match. Someone you can truly love." He meets my eyes, the pleading clear in them.
I am almost certain he will fall to his knees to start begging next. Before he can, I hear Jessica start to stir behind me. Kal steps away, somehow we were drawn together during our whole conversation, whispering the whole time, but Kal's words scream through my mind.
"Okay Kal." Relief floods his face.
"We are staying here until the farewell feast for my brother tonight. Have food sent up for us, will you?"
"Yes, my lady." The title cuts through me as I shut the door.
"Lena?" comes Jessica's sleepy voice.
I crawl into bed with her and weep without explanation for the man who I love but refuses to love me. Jessica holds me until the tears subside and I tell her what just occurred. We stay like that until a knock on the door makes Jessica leave the bed. She comes back with a tray of food that I can no longer stomach. She grabs a few things and then joins me again. Too soon it is time to dress for the feast. A feast to bid my brother farewell again. I had barely been able to spend time with him while he was home. He was busy recruiting knights and nobles to join the war or to donate funds. I also heard rumors of him bedding many women and that made me roll my eyes. Men could always sleep with whomever they chose and women were sluts if they slept with one man outside of marriage.
Jessica fretted over me and I let her. I barely ever did anything when it came to my appearance. Jessica did choose my favorite dress, the emerald green with black and gold making intricate patterns around the hem and on the torso. It looked so much like our house crest, the crest my father made me proud to wear, at least before he was taken from me. After much time and much prodding and poking, my hair was piled on top of my head, makeup covered my features, and shoes squeezed my feet. Beauty was painful.
A knock on the door and my heart leaps. Was that Kal? Could he really be that stubborn as to still escort me to dinner? Jessica looks at me, I nod for her to answer it and she slowly walks over. I was almost as if Jessica could read my mind, my hesitation. I turned away from the door, unable to face Kal again.
"Well someone certainly has grown up while I have been away." I turn to face the deep voice.
"Lex!" A smile spreading across my face.
"May I escort the Queen-in-waiting to dinner?" He asks offering his arm, despite us being a room apart. I hurry to his side and loop my arm in his.
"Always, dear brother. You know you have seen me multiple times this week. It cannot just be occurring to you that I am older."
"Oh, but it stuns me each and every time. You really do look like a Queen in that gown. So much like father." He adds the last part softly, pointedly not saying I look like mother.
"You look just like him also, at least from what I remember. You have his strong jaw, except that scruffy beard hides it." I tease, trying to get away from the serious.
Lex really had let his beard grow, and his hair. It was so lush and full that I could not believe that he would ever bald as young as father had. My big brother, I look up at him and smile. I have missed him so much and he had been gone for so long. We walk out into the corridor and four guards stand post, two follow with us. I see one is John.
"John, where is Sir Kal? He usually comes with me to dinner."
"Sir Kal is with Sir James. Neither wants a repeat of the last feast. They are coordinating guards and having each entry manned to confiscate all weapons. Also, every person attending must have an invitation." John's deep voice has taken an authoritative edge since stepping up to lead while Kal was injured. I am glad I did as Kal requested and had John legally bound to take over the guard should anything happen to Kal.
"My, that sounds like a lot of men on duty," I say.
"Every single one." I hear a small sigh from Jessica as she trails behind, no Donovan for her tonight then.
"Looks like we won't have much to worry about then, and I can have you, dear sister, all to myself tonight." Lex teases, he is too insightful for his own good.
"I would not have it any other way." I smile back at his smug face.