"I kissed a boy once in Kindergarten.
"Poor Keith McHelder had a bit of a stalker. In school, I would peer at him from over the lip of my book until he looked my way, then I would quickly hide behind the pages. On the playground, I would sit on the swings and watch him play soccer. His twiggy little legs would kick the ball into the goal, and I would cheer for him inside my head because I couldn't speak around him without my face becoming a new shade of lipstick. One day, towards the end of the year, I decided that I was a big girl and enough was enough. I needed to do something about my affection, and conversation was a no-go.
"So, I jumped off the swings, gathered my wits, and marched into the concrete slab that served as a soccer field. I grabbed McHelder by his collar and smashed his lips into mine. I pulled away, and we stared at each other, blinking.
"I ran back to my swings and turned my back to him. We never spoke or kissed again. I didn't kiss another boy until Jordon Brown in Freshman year."
Colton blinks at me as I bottle feed him on the couch. "If some idiot like me ever does that to you, you slap them. It's not ok to kiss people without their consent. Or stalk them. Stalking is not ok." I wag my finger at him.
In light of last night's happenings, today's visit to the hospital, and my lack of sleep, I find myself rambling about various aspects of my love life to Colton. He's a good listener when he's not crying. We've gone through my college and high school years already. Colton's heard all about my misfires and misdeeds.
Red Hood's gone. I think. He's not in the apartment, at least. He said he's supposed to be protecting me, so he's probably nearby or he's set up survallence.
Hill will arrive in less than an hour. It's Sunday, time to meet Maja.
My scarmark itches.
Colton sucks on the lip of his bottle. His tiny hands grasp the sides, and I tilt it up farther. "We're going to visit Uncle Hill's soulmate today. She's very sick. Her name's Maja. Isn't that a pretty name?"
Colton blinks, then pushes the bottle away from his mouth. I pull back. He gurgles and sucks on four of his fingers. "Not hungry, huh?"
After Colton burps, I pack a small lunch and stuff it into the oversized baby bag. Monkeys decorate the front of it, because Mari loved monkeys and I got the bag from her. I didn't manage to get much baby supplies from her because Transfuse burned down her apartment, but lucky for me, she also handed her friend the giant bag (which was full of the diaries) when she saved Colton.
I cram as much baby supplies as I might need into that thing. I stuff the bottle in the bag too, because Colton won't stay full forever.
I pull my hair back into a bun and shrug on something a little more formal than a tee-shirt. Colton tugs at some stray wisps of my hair, and I untangle his fingers from my locks. I dress him in little boots and a hat with a puffball on top that manages to contain all his curls. He's got a little blue coat, too. Cutie.
Hill knocks on the door about ten minutes later. I open it for him. "Hey, come on in."
Hill steps in and takes off his coat. "Hi, Annie. Can I hold Colton?"
I hand Colton over, and Colton whines and tugs on his shirt. Colton pouts at me. "Well, someone's grumpy. He'll calm down in a minute or so."
Hill nods and bounces Colton. "Cool. Do what you need to do, I'll play with him."
I brush my teeth and make our bed. I grab some earmuffs, a scarf, and gloves (all miss matched pass-downs). When I exit the bedroom, Hill's bouncing a babbling Colton on his knee. I smile and snap a picture with the small camera on my phone.
Hill stands up. "Here, I'll carry the bag, too." I thank him and fork the bag over. He puts his coat back on, then shrugs the bag on over his shoulder. I slide my own coat over my shoulders, then hold the door for him and turn off all the lights. We trot down to the elevator.
"I can't wait till you two meet. You'll love her, Annie." A couple of people clamber into the elevator with us, pushing our backs against the wall.
"I can't wait either. Maja sounds great." Colton leans out of Hill's arms towards me, with arms extended. He shrieks, and some of the people in the elevator give me looks. I sigh before taking him back. "Sorry, Hill. I guess he's clingy today."
"It's ok. He just wants his mama. I can understand that." Hill ruffles Colton's hair and winks at me. Colton sucks on his fingers and lays his head down on my shoulder. The elevator opens, and we all shuffle out.
Mr. Mires waves at us and types in our computer. We wave back, and Mr. Mires winks at me. I blush and revert my eyes to the ground. Colton touches my shirt then starts chewing on it. Hill holds the door open, and we're off to the Subway.
The sun shines down on Gotham today, warming us through our coats. Colton tugs on his hat, trying to pull it into his mouth. I shift it back. "No, Colton. You gotta keep the hat on or you'll freeze."
Colton whines again and shivers as a breeze rolls by. The sun does not equate for the cold that plagues Gotham as we fall into winter. I pull him closer to me. Cars hoot and honk, and the city smells of trash and lost dreams. The metal of the towers gleam in the light, and the bricks beam red. Cold bites my nose and knifes my cheeks, which flush pink.
"Does he get out much?" Hill asks, shoving his hands into his pockets. Small puffs of visible air come out of his mouth with every word.
"I take him to visit his grandparents once a week, usually. Otherwise he stays in the apartment building with me or Mrs. Dubmire. It's his first winter."
Huh. I forgot that everything this year was his 'first'. What kind of mother forgets that? His first Halloween, his first Thanksgiving, and his first Christmas are all on the horizon.
It's going to be our first holiday season without Mari. I shudder and remind myself to put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.
"Hmm. We should bring him to the park. I hear sunlight is good for them." Hill glances at me. The wind blows by again, fingering with his hair and messing it up in all the right ways.
I smile. "I would like that. How's Maja doing?"
"The doctors say she's got another week or so. She's pulling through. I think she'll last at least three more." Hill stares ahead. We descend into the subway.
I my heart beats in my chest, and my shoulders drop. I shift Colton to pull him closer to me. Colton eats away at my scarf. I squeeze Hill's shoulder.
"You'll get through this. Promise." He holds the door for me, and we walk through.
Hill lets out a broken laugh, wipes his nose, and glances at the ceiling of Gotham's subway station. "Promise, huh?"
I stare at him, eye-to-eye. "Hill, if a hormonal, sixteen-year-old, its-not-a-phase phase Antigone Jackson can get through the death of her soulmate, a grown mature Hilton Grey can."
"Can we talk about something else?" Hill purses his lips together. We swipe our cards to go through the gate. We're lucky, a train going our way just stopped. We power-walk to it.
"Sure. Did you grab the Vietnamese food already?" I hope he says yes. I really don't want to step into a restaurant and be assaulted by the smell of everything that's not Roman noodles.
"Um, no. Maja told me about a good place on 4th street, though. It's close enough to the hospital that we could walk just a couple of blocks and be there." Dang it. We hurry onto the train. I find an empty, blue plastic seat right next to the aisle. Hill holds the bars on the roof.
"Alright." The train's crowded. The man with the broiler hat next to me glances up from his phone when I sit down, but otherwise says nothing. A couple more people jog into the train before the door slides shut.
Colton sniffles in my arms. The woman wearing too much perfume in front of me turns around. "He's cute." A couple of kids giggle and puff out their cheeks, trying to make Colton laugh.
"Thank you." Colton buries himself into the nook of my shoulder. I straighten his hat.
The woman smiles at me. "My brother has got one about that age," She pulls a stick of gum out of her purse, "Want one?"
What are we, high schoolers? She does look young, but her heavy makeup makes it hard to tell. "Um, no thanks."
She sticks her hand out. "I'm Gwen. New to the city."
Probably a Batman fanatic, maybe a charity worker. I shake Gwen's hand. "Hi, I'm Antigone. The baby's Colton, and that's Hill." I point to Hill, who shakes her hand. He smiles at her.
"Cool. I work at the Gotham News Network. I'm an assistant of a video editor, but I really want to write for the online column. There's so much in Gotham to write about. Did you know that there's more vigilantes in Gotham than any other city in the world?"
Yes. I've met two. "No. That's very interesting."
Hill lays his hand on my shoulder. "I'm the head of Wayne's Animal Shelter."
Gwen glances at me, waiting. I blush. "I'm a mom."
She nods, her eyelashes fluttering. "No harm in that. My mom was a stay-at-home mom too. She said she didn't want anyone else to raise us. Being a mom's a fulltime job, anyway. People should take it more seriously. I could never do it, though. Too many dreams floating around in my empty skull, as mom likes to say." She laughs.
I squirm in my seat and brush my fingers over Colton's cheek. I stare at the back of the seat. "I, well, um. I understand the working moms. Sometimes people need to work to provide for their family."
"Of course, I agree." She smiles. Her brown eyes, hazed over by her makeup, flit between Hill and I. "So... do you all know any good places to eat? I'm tired of grabbing the Big Belly Burger that's right next door to me."
Hill pipes up. "Well, I've heard there's a good Vietnamese place on Fourth. We were just about to go check it out."
"What's that, in two more stops?" She peers up at the roof.
"One more. The one after this one." Hill glances forward. The train's slowing down.
"Cool. I might just pop in later. My stop's this one though." Gwen chews her gum. I pull my scarf out of Colton's mouth.
The train halts, and Gwen clambers out, waving goodbye. People step in to fill the empty spots. Hill adjusts the bag on his shoulder. "At least she didn't ask for your phone number."
"Yeah." Gotham's a big city; we'll ever see each other again. My shoulders straighten and I lean back in the chair.
The metro train's doors clink shut, and we're off again. Hill and I make small talk about work and animals. I blink and flick my arm to keep myself awake. Colton, despite whatever I do, continues to stuff my scarf into his mouth. The train lulls to a stop, and I rise from my seat. Hill and I exit together and make our way to the hole-in-the-wall on Fourth.
A bell dings when we enter, and the smell of stir fry attacks my nostrils. My mouth waters and I gulp. Even the air tastes good. Some Buddha statues are on display in a shelf adjacent to a front desk. A woman of east Asian descent smiles at us. "Hello, how are you? Here or to go?"
"Hi. To go, please." Hill gazes around the cramped restaurant. A handful of couples and a family sit in scattered tables. The lights are low.
"Ok. Here's the menu. Would you like to sit down while you wait?"
Hill nods, and she seats us in a bench by a window covered by wooden shades. The farther we get away from the door, the more my skin warms. Hill thumbs the menu. "What're you getting?"
I shrug. "I packed a lunch."
Hill frowns. "I can pay for you—at least let me grab you coffee or something. Do they have coffee here?" Typical Hill.
I grin, and Colton gurgles. "I dunno. It would be a waste of a perfectly good packed lunch."
"Well, not getting anything would be a waste of a perfectly good menu. Come on, pick something out, before I order the Ca Kho To twice, one for me and one for you." Hill tilts the menu towards me, and my mouth waters as I look at the laminated pictures.
I sigh and point out to the Pho. "I'll have the beef Pho."
Hill grins as he orders our things, plus Cha Ca Hanoi for Maja. He also, despite me not saying anything, orders a coffee for me.
"You seem tired." He shrugs, "Did you sleep ok last night?"
I shake my head and frown. "Not really, but I'm fine. Just one of those nights, you know."
No way I'm telling Hill about Red Hood's visit and absurd claims.
Hill frowns at me. "Yeah, I guess."
The food comes soon. Hill carries it in his other arm as I'm left to try to sip coffee, hold a baby, and walk at a reasonable pace at the same time. By the time we make it to the hospital, the coffee's gone and I'm disappointed that I can't have the warm elixir slinking down my throat any longer. I toss the cup into a trashcan on the way to Maja's room.
Colton stops making out with my scarf and starts sucking his thumb. He looks up at the white door with big eyes. Everything smells clean here. I open the door for Hill.
Maja looks up from her phone as we walk in. She's thin and her skin looks grey. Her hair's short to prevent clumps from falling out. Tubes come out of her arm and hook into several beeping machines. An optional oxygen mask rests in her lap.
My heart falters.
Maja sits up. "So, you're Antigone Jackson?"
Her eyes fall on Colton. "And the baby Colton!" She glances at me. "Can I hold him? Please?"
I grin. "We brought food. Eat, then we'll see."
Hill strides over to her bedside and gives her a kiss. I place a hand over Colton's eyes and look up at the grey speckled ceiling, smiling. I pull up two chairs for Hill and me then sit down. Hill passes out the food and we all chow down.
I haven't eaten anything this good outside of the nursery home in weeks. Flavors assault my mouth as smells climb up my nostrils; I swallow and try not to moan.
Maja laughs and slurps noodles into her mouth. "Me too, Momma Bear." Hill holds her hand.
We finish eating, and I lay Colton into her waiting arms. He squirms and cries. Maja rocks him, but he doesn't calm down. He thrusts his arms out toward me, grabbing at air.
"Straight up traitor, this one." Maja's lips fall into a frown.
I apologize before taking him back. Maja's eyebrows furrow and her lips fold into a line. I wipe the tears from Colton's eyes and hold him close to calm him down. "He can be such a drama queen when he wants to be."
"He just loves his momma. Let him be." She stares at me, scanning me up and down. I brush a stray strand of hair behind my ear.
"So, what makes you think you deserve my soulmate, Momma Bear?"
I balk. That went from zero to sixty real quick.
Hill taps his thigh. "Maja, this isn't an interrogation. She's just a friend." He gives me a sideways glance.
"I never said it was. It's just an honest question." Her eyes never leave mine. She stares at me as if my body was a map of my soul.
I gather my words, forcing my lips to slide up into a smile. "I don't deserve your soulmate, Maja. I just want my friend."
"Want him for what?" Her eyes flash.
"...friendship?" Why did I end that with a question mark?
"Momma Bear, if you were really just his friend, you wouldn't be here." She grabs Hill's hand, and I straighten up in my chair. "I'm going to address the situation, in case he hasn't already. I'm dying. I don't have long. That's not optimal, but we're making it ok."
Hill squeezes her hand and looks away as she continues. "I don't want to be Hill's one and only, because he's a giant teddy bear that deserves so much more love than my coffin can give him. Normally I would say someone else can have him over my dead body. I stand by that."
I wish she sent Hill outside before she went on her tirade. Maja leans forward. "Soulmates aren't everything. We're a lot of things, but there are other options. I've never believed in the fairytales that said you can't love after your soulmate dies. You're a scarmark. So tell me, can you love?"
I'm going to yell at Hill later for telling her about my condition. A hot feeling rises in my chest and burns in my throat. Colton squirms in my arms, and I stare Maja down. "Maja, I'm a mother. What do you think?"
Maja smirks and leans back. My cheeks flare. "Exactly. The stories aren't true, no matter how far they've circulated. You can love. You're in love."
She turns to Hill. "I need to talk to Antigone. Alone, please."
Hill looks between us like a lost puppy. I nod then gulp as he leaves. I tug Colton's hat over his head.
"Annie? He calls you that, right? Can I call you that?"
No. "I don't care."
"Good." Maja leans forward, peering into my skull. I frown and glare back. "How'd you do it? Did you know yours when he died?"
"Excuse you?"
"Just because scarmarks can love doesn't mean it's easy for you to. Answer my questions." She waves one of her thin hands.
My nostrils flare and my scowl deepens. "How would you know?"
"I have a soulmate who's about to become one. I need to know." She folds her hands together.
I lean over Colton and snarl. "For the record, it's not harder to love. It's easier. We're not heartless monsters the moment they die: just sad, hormonal humans going through grief. And just like anyone else dealing with grief, I got through it with the support of people who helped me realize that romance with a soulmate isn't everything."
"So, you don't romantically love people anymore?"
If she wasn't Hill's soulmate, I would punch her. "I do."
I've had crushes, but I've never really been in a serious relationship before, however, which leaves me no ammunition to shoot down her accusations.
Maja looks down at the ground, then up at me. "Sure. It doesn't matter in the end. I don't care if you love him romantically. I just want you to be with him. Take care of him, give him the support you got. Give him the dream that I couldn't. Your baby needs a dad anyway."
She glances at Colton and her walls break down. "I-I'm dying. I won't ever be a mother. I didn't even know I wanted to be a mother until I couldn't be one."
The lines in my forehead soften. My shoulders drop. "I'm sorry."
Her hands shake as she looks down. "Let him be your baby's father. Please," Her eyes flit up to mine. She reaches up and grabs my empty hand. I let her. Her hand's cold.
"Promise me. Promise me you'll be there for him when I can't be. Promise me you'll give him someone to love."
"I promise." I squeeze her hand, we draw away from each other.
Hill comes back in the room, and the atmosphere shifts as they talk about how they met. They swap stories, sharing with me all their adventures.
Sometimes, life steals dreams away before we can seize them as our own. It stole my soulmate, and now I'm forced to witness another robbery. Maja could've held her own baby. Hill could have looked down at his own child. I hold Colton and my eyes burn from unfallen tears as I gaze at Maja and Hill.
They kiss a lot, even with Colton and I there. They steal minutes off the clock, begging with each glance to steal yet another second together. Time's their banker and death's their bill. Payment approaches, but they ignore it as if it never could happen and speak as if that shiny letter wasn't in the mailbox. They swap remarks like an old couple; they talk like best friends; they joke like family; they play like children; they protect like lions.
My mind drifts to the Red Hood. He's not him. He can't be. My soulmate died. His soulmark's meant for someone else. He's mistaken. Maybe some small word is wrong—like the placement of an article or something.
But if he was, I would want something like what they have.
AN: Merry Christmas part two! And a little Colton, since I know you guys love him.