SOLOMON
I ran. I ran as fast as I could. I couldn't be near her. I couldn't look at her face. I couldn't even think about her without feeling disgusted with myself.
Rain began to beat down on me, but I didn't care. I was in rage. I push myself to run. My legs were burning and my paws were hurting, but I didn't care. I kept going. As I ran I ended up shifting back into my human form, I was in such an adrenaline that I didn't stop at all. My chest was rising and falling so fast. My heart felt like it was breaking the inside of my chest by how hard it was beating.
I stopped at the lake. Me and Ayla's special place. I fell on my knees. I opened my mouth and released a hard and loud scream. My throat was stinging from how hard I was screaming, but I didn't care. Everything was hurting. Inside and out.
I was disgusted with myself. I was horrified at the things that I had done. My demons. My sins. They have haunted me to this day. The wrongs I've done upon Ayla are unforgivable. But my sins aren't what's exactly unforgivable, it's that Ayla, my mate, my love, she suffered it. My child suffered. Ayla and Milo paid the cost of my sins. They were the ones that endured five years of suffering. And I didn't even know.
But knowing exactly what they went through, it ripped me from the inside out. My heart literally hurt for them and...I loathe myself for it. I hate myself. I look back to what I was like, and I couldn't believe I was that person. I was so low. I was so...selfish. I didn't think of Ayla at all. I didn't think of my child. I thought of what I was feeling and what I was going through...nothing more. and I hate myself for it. If I had just thought of her. Thought about what she was going through, what she was feeling...maybe she wouldn't have been tortured and abused my Kendrick for all those years.
My wolf was attacking me from the inside. He hated me. I hurt our mate. Our treasured mate. I made HER SUFFER. I made Milo hurt.
My whole being was consumed with guilt and regret.
"What's wrong with you Solomon!" I shouted at myself. As I was on my knees I leaned forward and rested my knuckles on the stony ground and breathed heavily.
"Solomon."
My head whipped around and I saw Xander standing there wet in the rain.
"Go Away, Xander. Leave me." I growled.
He took a step forward, "I know what you're feeling."
That just made me even angrier. He doesn't know what I was feeling. He doesn't know anything! No one does!
He took another step forward, "I know your wrong deeds seem unforgivable, but they are forgivable. She needs time to-"
I stood up straight, breathing heavily and I cut him right off, "I AM UNFORGIVABlE XANDER!" I yelled loudly.
He was quiet as he stood there watching me.
I pointed at myself hard, "I AM A MONSTER!"
"I didn't treat Izzy right either. I was horrible to her. But she still loved me inside."
I shook my head, "You don't get it, Xander. You only mistreated her a little. I purposely made it my goal to hurt, Ayla. To break her down because for some fucked up reason, I hated her. I wanted her to suffer. You still loved Lizzy when you hurt her. I didn't. I felt nothing for Ayla, that's why it was so easy for me to hurt her."
I walked right up to Xander and we stood almost nose to nose as I snarled with self-hatred, "I am a disgrace. I am ashamed of what I did. She endured more than suffering, Xander," my anger spiked because I felt tears involuntarily fill my eyes to the very brim, "You don't understand how bad I was. I wasn't just a regular asshole, I was a monster to her. Do you know how that makes me feel?" Tears rolled down my cheeks, "I'm supposed to be the protector. I was supposed to keep her safe, but I was the one that gave her to Kendrick. It was me. I'm the one that made MY MATE, THE MOTHER OF MY CHILD, be tortured and be in constant pain and fear for FIVE FUCKING YEARS. So no Xander...My sins are not forgivable."
I walked passed him and back into the woods.
AYLA
I was left at the graveyard. Rain began to fall from the sky, splashing on my skin. I looked up and closed my eyes as I felt the droplets fall on my face, hoping to wash away the pain. But it doesn't. I open my eyes and looked at the field. Kendrick was standing there with a knife. He nodded his head at me, and then turned around and left.
I knew it was just my head. But I wondering how bad it was going to get. I was worried I might hurt someone, hurt Milo. I was leading a war to this pack. I was killing everyone. Their blood is on my hands. But then I thought about the Attic. I couldn't go back. I couldn't go back be tormented forever and ever. Never getting out. All this pressure in my head, all these voices telling me what I should, and then dealing with Solomon. It was all so much. So overwhelming.
I felt so much pressure, pressing down on me, and every day it was getting harder and harder to wake up. I don't want to wake up anymore. I want to stay in the calm darkness where there is no pressure, no heartache, no more trying to fix things, no more trying to live life. I could just be at peace.
I felt like I was under a spell. My mind was cloudy. I automatically stood up and walked in the rain towards the pack house. I went inside, still soaking wet. I felt no emotion, I was just blank. And yet, tears were dripping down my face. I went to the kitchen and I saw kendrick, he opened the drawer and gave me a knife.
"You know what to do to make it all stop." I nodded my head submissively. I was tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being strong. I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to be weak. I don't want to hold all of this...WEIGHT on my shoulders anymore. I just want it to stop.
I walked up the stairs with my knife in hand. Milo appears in the hallway in front of me, "Ma! Look what I made today! Look at my drawing!" He was trying to show me his piece of paper. But I ignored him. I couldn't even look at my son. I knew that even though Solomon mistreated me, he would take care of our son.
"Ma?" My bab called out behind me, but I ignored him. I kept walking until I was in the bathroom. I locked the door and took a deep breath.
"You deserve this. You need peace. You can take all of this away, precious." I heard Kendrick whispering in my ear. I liked what he was saying, it was a way of relief. And I was desperate for relief. I didn't want to hold this anymore.
I filled the bath up to the brim and I sat inside it with my clothes. I laid back and looked at my wrists. I pressed the metal inside of my sealed skin and saw it separate, releasing a gush of scarlet. It looked beautiful to me, the colour red. It was so very fresh and vibrant looking. Soon the bath will be full of scarlet. I laid down and I saw Kendrick standing there nodding his head, "Good girl, precious. You'll feel peace soon."
And he was right. I did.
SOLOMON
As I was walking back to the forest, I heard screaming in the distance. I frowned and looked up ahead and saw my little son running towards me with tears streaming down his face.
I bend down as he launches himself into my arms and I catch him, "Whoa, son. What's wrong?"
He rubbed his tears away as he sobbed, "Something's wrong with Ma! She won't come out of the bathroom!"
Dread hit me like a train. I picked Milo up and I sprinted as hard as I could towards the pack house. This couldn't be happening. She wouldn't do that would she? She wouldn't leave like that. She's too strong for that.
And yet, I felt the pain in my chest grow at the knowledge that I could be losing Ayla right now.
I burst through the door and put Milo on his feet, "Okay, Milo, I want you to go find Aunt Zay, okay?" Milo shakily nodded and ran away.
I sprinted up the stairs and down the hallway. I saw the door of the bathroom, I tried to open it, but it was locked. My heart was banging against my chest. I was worried it would explode.
"Ayla, open the door!" shouted, but there was no response, "Open the god damn door, Ayla!" Still no reply. Fuck this.
I broke the door open and I saw my mate bathed in blood inside the bath.
"No no no no." I mumbled in pure panic. I frantically picked her up, out of the bath and pulled her into my arms, "Come on, Ayla. You can't leave me." I mumbled. I checked for a pulse, but I couldn't feel anything. I laid my head against her chest and I still couldn't hear or feel anything.
"NO!" I screamed, "Ayla, you can't leave me! Please don't!" Tears fell endlessly down my cheeks and unto her face. My face contorted in physical pain. I felt the mate pull dwindle as time went by. I shook my head and I sobbed my pain out, "Ayla please please please don't leave me. I know you think I'm a monster, and I was. I know you think you're alone, but you're not! I want you, Ayla! I WANT YOU, YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME! I NEED YOU, AYLA!" I yelled. I cried and rocked back in forth with my mate in my arms, "I love you, little wolf...please please...I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I kept repeating as I held my little wolf in my arms because...I killed her. I killed my mate. This is all my fault.