You know what's worse then being friends with someone and them leaving you without explaining?
When you're friends with two people you've known your whole life and love and cherish and consider to be your family decide to drift away from you and leave you out. Every. Single. Time. When they become best friends, without you. No thought is given to you or your feelings. Nothing. They just leave. You know what makes all that worse though? When they rub it in your face, showing everyone what great friends they are where you can see it too. When they try to deny that they're drifting away from you. When they deny that they hate you. When they call you annoying and weird behind your back and use that as an excuse to not invite you to things even though they've know that they're while lives and never had a problem with it before. When they're the same amount of annoying and weird as you are and they still leave you and You know what makes this even fucking worse? when after months of ignoring you and doing their own thing they decide to invite you to go somewhere with them and you genuinely have fun and you think to yourself 'maybe it was all in my head. Maybe they still love me and I'm still they're friend' and then they drop you... Again...like a sack of rocks that no one wants or needs.
Well. I'm that sack of rocks. I'm that useless bag of shit that no one wants to come near. Me, Lance McClain, is the sack of unwanted shit rocks that they think I am. Not think actually.... I am the unwanted shit rocks that they made me into, because I'm just that worthless and annoying and weird and countless other awful things they say about me.
If you're wondering who I'm talking about, well I think it's obvious.
Hunk and pidge. My best friends. I guess that's another lie.
The sad thing is I cant even accept it at all. I still consider them my family my siblings my best friends and they consider me dirt to be trodden on and left behind.
I forgive too easily. I forget for the time that they act like they're my friends and I block out the memories and then when they drop me the flood gates open and I'm drowning again in pain.
It's like they enjoy stabbing me, everytime they do something without me and ignore my invites to go somewhere together, everytime they don't bother to tell me they're doing something we would usually have done together, everytime they forget about me, little ol Lance, together.
A little more of me breaks everytime. A little more of my skin is scarred by a blade. A little more of my blood drips onto the floor.
A little more of my happiness is drained from my body.
I wish I could show them just for a second how much pain they cause me when I see them baking together or fixing something or sitting together laughing at a joke or gone out together taking pictures of them smiling happily. Without me.
Happy without me
It hurts.
It hurts so fucking much.
And I can't get the pain to stop.
It won't stop.
I can't. It won't.
Please.
Stop.
Stop.
Leave.
Don't do it.
Help me.
Help me.
Help. Me.
Help. Please help me.
Please. Please. PLEASE.
Help me please. I need you to help me
I can't handle this anymore. The cuts aren't stopping it anymore. This feeling of betrayal and lonliness won't go away. The pain of being left behind won't go away. The pain of them slowly destroying me won't. Go. Away. The pain of my mind slowly eating itself from the fuel they've decided to give it. The feeling of the two people I've loved most in my life laughing at me and my pain and lying and talking behind my back. The feeling of numbness after I've weaked havoc on myself after another day of fun for them. The sting of dragging a blade over my skin and the blood dripping down my arm. The feeling that nothing matters anymore because they can see just how worthless I really am. The feeling that everything I do isn't good enough for them even when I change the way I act, the way I am. The feeling of weakness when I realise how much control they have over me. The feeling of hopelessness when I relise I can't save myself from them.... or myself. The feeling of them pulling a mat out from under my feet and dropping me into the abyss of self hatred, depression, anxiety and suicide.
The utterly crushing feeling of being forgotten.
Ok so this was kind of a vent for me. It is about Lance but it's also about me. Im being put through hell by some of my 'friends' right now and I'm just letting it out. Sorry if it isn't that angsty or sad or anything I just needed to get it out and for anyone who feels like this I am truly truly sorry because I know how painful it is... Anyway sorry if it isn't that great
-fox