After the show, the party migrated back to Julian and Al's apartment. Harlow protested to go, but was ultimately guilt tripped into going. This was the last night Harlow was ever going to spend with Julian; the last night they would ever share together before he went off to travel the world... again.
The last time she tried breaking off their estranged friendship, it hadn't gone well. This was her chance to make things right—to end things peacefully. Harlow could never seem to get the words right, to tell Julian how she felt and why it would never work between them. But this time, she was determined. She was no longer afraid—this was it.
Harlow sat in the crowded room, drinking her beer. Her eyes scanned over the loud drunkards, the sight bringing a smile to her lips. No matter how much time passed, she always felt welcome among Julian's friends—Fab and Nick her friends when Julian wasn't. It was bittersweet to see everyone together, knowing the inevitable.
Julian stepped from the hall, gesturing Harlow up from the futon. He had taken a shower—his hair still wet, still sporting the same shirt from the show. She forced a smile, making her way to him through the crowd. Julian's smirk seemed to grow wider with every step she took until finally, she was standing toe to toe with him.
"Mind if we go somewhere more quiet?" Julian asked, leaning his weight into the foyer with folded arms.
Harlow nodded, placing her hand on the small of his back as he turned, starting toward the bedroom.
There was something about this moment—something calm and knowing. Despite Julian being drunk, he wasn't plastered; he was coherent and seemingly understanding of what was about to come.
He closed the door behind her—the sound of the chaos in the other room muffled. Chewing on his bottom lip, he looked to Harlow with narrowed eyes. A grin began to tug at the corner of his mouth—Harlow doing the same. They laughed nervously in unison.
"I cleaned up this time." His smile fell, gazing around the relatively tidied room. Clothes were no longer spread all over the floor, but instead, folded sloppily in the corner of the room, next to the dresser.
Harlow nodded, making her way toward the bed. It was unusual; the bed was actually made. The blanket and pillow cases smelled of something other than Julian's bedhead—laundry detergent. She sat on the edge, stealing glances from Julian as he seemed to roam around the room along the far wall next to the window.
"Oh, I got you something." Julian knelt beside the dresser, pulling out a Vans shoe box. She started to object the gift, but knew Julian wasn't about to gift her with a pair of shoes.
"What is it?" Harlow asked. Julian sat next to her, placing the shoe box in her lap.
"Just open it."
She eyed him skeptically, flipping open the top. She closed the lid fast after catching a peek of what was inside—the sight causing her to laugh. "Really?"
"Yep. Every pair of underwear you've lost at this place. I found em when I was cleaning up." Julian watched as Harlow went through the underwear she had lost over the years. There wasn't many—five pairs to be exact. She was a little surprised she still recognized them, thinking there'd at least be one out of the bunch that wasn't hers.
Julian moved the box out of Harlow's lap. He scooted down the bed, laying his head where the shoe box had set—right on Harlow's thighs. He gazed up at her with heavy eyes as her fingers trailed through his hair—the strands still damp.
"Can I ask you somethin'?" Julian intertwined his own fingers, fiddling his thumbs in an antsy manner. She wasn't sure if he was nervous or needed another drink. She hadn't seen a drink in his hand since after the show.
She nodded, feeling the heat of his forehand against her palm. His skin was clammy, his flesh soft.
"You said the way you loved me was different than the way you loved your boyfriend... what does that mean?"
Harlow stopped stroking his hairline; the question had caught her off guard. "Well... he's not my boyfriend anymore."
"You still love him though, right?" Harlow nodded in response, running her hand through his hair again. "So why is it different?"
Harlow had thought of that question a lot. It even took nearly a year to answer it for herself. She imagined Julian coming back into her life—both single and on the same page. Everything seemed to always be rushed with Julian; they dived in headfirst without a thought of the consequences. With Tyler, however, there was so much patience—so much wait and willingness to understand.
"I love you... recklessly. There's always this- this sense of danger when I'm with you."
"I'd never hurt you." Julian mumbled.
"Not intentionally. I don't mean physically. It's like... every second I'm with you, I'm terrified you're gonna break my heart. It makes me feel alive and... I have this unrelenting need to make you want me."
"I do want you."
"I always feel like I want you more. It's crazy, but... the way I love you is intense and scary. I mean, come on... we haven't seen each other in two years and look at us."
"I know, we're pretty great, right?" Julian spoke cocky with a grin. That half smile faded when seeing that Harlow hadn't found it as funny. "What's wrong with that? What's wrong with being that in love with someone?"
"Well... everything. This was all I wanted with you. But, when I gave Tyler a chance... it's just a different kind of love."
"Elaborate." Julian spoke curtly—the tip of his tongue poking into his cheek.
"When I'm with Tyler... I feel safe and at home. He pushes me to better myself in a way that's not condescending. He may not be the one, I may never get another chance with him, but... I know that's the kind of person I need in my life."
"Baby look at me." Julian commanded, his voice low. "I can be all those things. Maybe not right now... but, someday."
"I think it's too late. I also think... maybe there's someone out there better for you. Someone that suits you and all your... peccadillos." Harlow laughed; the sound forced.
"I've already found her- I'm laying in her lap."
Harlow's hand ceased all movement, resting limply at his temple. The weight his words hung in the air, rattling around in her head. Julian saw she wasn't taking his admission so well, the sight of her distraught pretty face seemed to shatter in his chest.
He didn't want to admit it, but without saying a word, Harlow had just broken his heart. He had always held some hope of her finding her way back to him, but he knew by the feeling of her touch that that was not what Harlow wanted. Sure, Harlow had came over to break things off—sure, Harlow had said that this was it... but she hadn't meant it... right?
She let him fuck her—she let him kiss her below the waist; and for fuck sake, she told him that she loved him. Not to mention, she had a live-in boyfriend waiting for her at home. Julian had read her interests wrong—he had seen it as Harlow choosing Julian over her significant other. But he realized that wasn't the case.
Julian was just a moment—a moment Harlow wanted to relive. It didn't matter that it was only for a little while—that he played the role of a thirty minute boyfriend. He was her past, and Harlow wanted to let go so she could revel in a potential future... with someone else.
Julian raised from Harlow's lap, releasing a quiet groan as he sat up. He looked down at himself somewhat confused, wondering how he ever thought Harlow (or anyone) would choose him over something potentially better. He looked like shit, for lack of a better term. Despite having just showered, he was still wearing the same sweaty clothes with the same musky scent. He was in a bad place—his head wasn't right and nor were his morals. He was unhappy, and foolishly thought that the girl he loved could make it better. But really, nothing could make it better.
"Can we make a deal?" Julian's voice had dropped an octave, the sound of his baritone words vibrating in Harlow's ears. "In ten years from now... If I still haven't found this... magical person you speak of," He chuckled at himself for dramatically singing what he had said. "And if you still haven't found the one yet... could we try this again? It's ten years- I'll be thirty-five. I think that's plenty of time."
Harlow forced a smile, but Julian could still see the pain her eyes. Without thinking it through, Harlow's hands found Julian's face. She caressed his cheeks—her tear swelling eyes dancing along his features. She nodded as Julian looked to her in confusing desperation.
"Baby don't cry. Don't. You're gonna be fine. You're not gonna end up stuck with me. I just need a little hope... that's it. Just a little something to get-" Harlow pulled his head down, planting a firm kiss on his lips. Her eyes closed at the sensation of Julian's hands trailing down her neck.
"I love you." She mumbled against his mouth. When he pulled away, he was a little shocked to see that tears had fallen. She sniffled, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. "I'm sorry."
"Kinda giving me mixed signals here." Julian chuckled nervously, scratching the back of his head.
"I love you- I'll always love you, but... we can't do this anymore. But I promise, in ten years from now... we can try again." She placed her hand on his reassuringly, but they both knew that the future plan was set to fail. Julian turned his hand over, gently pressing her fingertips with his own.
"I don't want you to wait for me, 'cause I'm not gonna wait for you. I just want something to look forward to... for now, you know."
Harlow pulled on Julian's hand, wrapping her arms around him. Her eyes closed involuntarily, getting lost in his scent. She felt herself slacken in his embrace—his hands finding their place on her back. The lump forming in her throat seemed to push the tears settling on her lower lash line. She hiccuped her quiet cries, suffocating in her own sadness.
Holding onto Harlow's upper arms, Julian pulled back. A soft smile went to his lips as he gazed into her eyes. "Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're a smart, tough girl. You're gonna find all the things you're lookin' for, I know it."
"What about you?" She sniffled, trying her best to smile through the sadness enveloping her chest. "Are you gonna be okay?"
"Don't worry about me baby, I'm gonna be fine. Alright? I'm gonna be... I'm gonna be fine, I promise."
Harlow wrapped her arms around his waist, burying her face in his chest.
This was it.