I can't.
I fucking can't.
I'm tired of this already.
I still have three more years after this one.
If I survive this one.
8/25/18
I was working on an essay for English class. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love essays! But not when my thoughts are all jumbled and I'm having a complete meltdown.
Friday night, I was having a mental breakdown over all my homework, most of which I still haven't finished.
I got pissed off and just decided that nothing matters anymore.
I screamed " fuck it!" and I deleted my whole essay.
So I spent the whole weekend and today rewriting it and I turned it in a couple hours ago.
8/27/18
I have more work to do and I had another mental breakdown.
Lucky for me, I don't have any other essays I'm writing.
In Spanish, we have a project to do.
We will be paired with someone and we have to do all this stuff.
1) I better be paired with someone I know
2) I am going to have a panic attack reading in front of my class
3) I cannot, like I absolutely can fucking not, do the Spanish accent. They have all these sounds and the double R! I hate the double R!
This lady needs to learn that I have a speech impediment and I cannot do R's. Let alone a double one.
My family thinks it's funny when I say certain things. I'll say walrus and it'll sound like walewus. Or I'll say bear or I'll say crayon or something else.
Not only R's but also Ch, Sh, certain L's.
I've grown out of a lot of them like Ck, Th, S, E, P, Q, and all those.
But I still have those 5 letters/combinations of letters.
Anyway, I'm going to fail geometry. And most likely biology and geography.
The only thing I got going for me is English, if you forget about the whole essay thing.
Also I can't fight it anymore. I like someone.
Someone that's not Guy.
I think I only like guy as a friend. Like you know, a squish. Is that what they're called?
I like another guy. Who also happens to be a friend of mine.
I will literally die if he found out.
Fuck my life.
One last thing before I end this.
I've been having a lot of urges to cut/harm myself.
I haven't. And I don't want to. I won't do it.
But I feel that way again.
I don't want to feel that way again.
Seventh grade was one of, if not my number one, my lowest points.
I was depressed as hell, I cut myself, I was rapidly losing people.
I don't want to lose anyone else.
My friends are all I have.
I can't lose them.
I know I need help but I just can't talk to anyone.
Not even my friends.
I have caused them enough pain. I have caused them enough hurt.
I will not allow myself to bring them down with me again like I did two years ago.
They don't deserve it.
It's my problems.
I love them and I love that they care but I can't hurt them again.
I want to talk to my mom about this but I doubt she'll answer. Or even actually care.
My dad wouldn't give a fuck. He's been so aggravated lately and so irritable. I don't want to add to his problems. Between Kodi and money, he doesn't have time for my stupid life.
I'm tired. I want to sleep. Just sleep until I'm not tired anymore. And I'm happy.
I can at least dream of being happy. With my mom. And my cat, Lily. And my friends. All of us will be happy.
Not just certain people. All of us.
I can't wait for that day.
" They always say dreams come true but they forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams too."
* To be Continued*