{A/N} Reminder that events in my story are slightly canon to real life things but dont fully correlate. This chapter will be an interpretation of a broadcast that happened a few weeks ago. So please for the love of jibooty don't try to call me out for it 💜
My brows schrunch causing wrinkles to form on my forehead as I look through the stack of papers before me. The holidays came and went, but we have been so busy I happened to lose track of the time. At the moment we were taking a japanese language lesson, extending our ability to connect with audience even further. Korean, english, japanese and spanish have been the prime language focus whether we were fluent or not. With the addition of several vocal, amd acting classes we have been very occupied. Of course this being deemed necessary if we wanted to debut by our scheduled date.
A muffled groan calls my attention as my eyes meet exhausted almond like ones. Daejung ruffles his now honey blonde hair as he turns to look away from me, flipping carelessly through the new study guide we were assigned. My gaze shifts between the other guys as well, their posture slumped and withered compared to their usual excited demeanour. I couldn't blame them as we sat quietly in yet another board room. With nothing to disturb us but the occasional tap of a foot or tired sigh the room was dreadfully bare of life.
The space had off white walls accompanied by a single glasswork window acting as wall to the hallway, decorated with pullstring blinds and a simple 'pull' and 'push' handle. The florescent lights flicker every now and again signalling their decent age, their silent hum barely noticable compared to the sound of flipping papers. We didn't have to be doing this right now, but we arrived early before a team meeting. Best to study a lesson rather than waste time, right?
I click my tongue, completely dissatisfied with the anxious atmosphere of screaming silence. Baring it any longer we were bound to go insane. That is, until a cheeky face peered through the window. My lips curl into a smile as Jisoo steps inside the room with us. She wasn't dressed up as she usually would be, instead wore simple jeans and a gray cardigan that covered whatever shirt she was wearing. "I have a surprise for you boys," her bell liks voice began as she took a seat. "Today you will be attending a dance lesson." The news didn't seem to surprise us though I couldn't remember it being on our schedule. "The thing is it will be broadcasted."
Excitement glinted in the other guys eyes while I bit back some nervousness. Were we camera ready? Even if it was just a lesson I felt a bit worried that I would mess up greatly. My fear of ruining anything for the other haunted me more than anything these days. I couldn't stand the idea, and I looked to Jisoo with pleading eyes. She just nodded in an understanding but a somewhat nagging way. I had no way out of it.
Daejung whistled as he adjusted his gray sweats, his face stuck in a nervous smile. We all had to change clothes for the recording and momentarily I feel like like it's going to be over the top. "Oi, (Y/n)," Daejung leaned close to my face with a serious look on his face as Luka wrapped himself around me. "Don't freak out." Seok slid in next to us, placing his head on my shoulder. We probably looked like a dog pile to other people around us. "Why would I freak out?" I question not really sure what he was talking about. He only smirked then put his head on my other shoulder. I was beyond confused but went with it for the moment as we were distributed nicknames for the broadcast.
People were rushing around us feverishly. Camera and mic checks, some artists touching up our make up and hair; it was all up in a hurried blur. At some point three more trainees slipped in wearing the same sweats as us and were hurried into prep as well. Once they were finished we were directed to sit and review a world wide hit by none other than Bangatan Sonyeondan. I was estatic, once again my idols are brightening up my day.
{A/N}: btw im not using the same song or show name if you've already figured this out
We sat in a circle discussing who would get what parts for the choreography as we directed further. The group would be preforming I Need U, and this would require some actual days of practice. A bit of an over played song these days but still a really good one that I love. Luka nudges me silently with a small grin on his face. I quirk a brow at him as he begins to whisper to me in his alluring english, "You seem excited?" It posed as more of a question causing me to nod a child-like yes with a small clap. I genuinely couldn't wait to learn the dance in a group setting.
The rest of the day was small practices, working with instrumentals to see how our voices sounded live and bonding exercises. There still really wasn't explanation for the broadcast we would be filming for the next few days though. I wasn't sure why, but the idea of doing it made me a little uneasy.
Its like First day of school jitters keeps shooting through my body, not allowing me to enjoy the time I have. Not giving me anytime to settle down. I just don't want to embarrass myself or anyone else.
Luka was wrapped around me once again as we arrived to the packed up apartment. It was our last week here, and everything was going smoothly. My dysphoria and body dysmorphia has been tag teaming me, but I've been careful not to be caught nor over bind. My only worry was Luka sometimes. I adore he's touchy behavior with me, it's so warm and protective but I fear he may feel my feminine features. If he has already he hasn't said a word. Which is a good thing, but what if he tells behind my back or just thinks of me as a girl? What...what am I supposed to do? Maybe I should just quit, it's gone on long enough. But I can't I signed a contract. What if he tells the boys or the company are I get fired? What if it gets out? I'll be the laughing stock of Korea. Dispatch will destroy me. Or what if I do become and idol? Respected as the man I want to be, then everything comes crashing down. I need top surgery. It's the only way. It's the only way to hide this disgusting body. I need these... warts off of my chest so I can be normal. I don't want to be a freak anymore.
My mind had been so full that I didn't realize Luka had removed himself from me. A warm embrace from a blanket covered me as I was lifted from my spot on my floor. I didn't question it as I was sat very carefully onto my roll out bed. I listened as soft foots steps went to the kitchen and came back almost immediately. A mug invades my line of sight as its gingerly motioned for me to take. My hands wrap around the cup as I look up to who held it. Seok nods slightly at me as our eyes meet. I'm not sure why, but I smile at him softly before he takes a seat beside me. "Where's Luka?" I ask, my voice dry and awkward. "Him and Dae left a long while ago," Seok dead panned and looked forward with an odd expression. I wasn't sure what to say him so I turned my head to look in the same direction.
Its silent. The coffee mug is warm in my hands as I try not to get lost in my fearful thoughts again. But we just sit, no words or shared thoughts. We stayed like this until I heard the slight shift of his weight on the bed, and a soft kiss was planted on my temple.
"You know, you don't have to fight internal wars alone," Seok had began causing me to face him, "I know things can bottle up until you feel so useless or pathetic." His demeanor was the same as always, yet his eyes looked so sad as he continued. "I recognize that look on your face when you're thinking. It's the same one I used to make when I thought I ruined everything, when I think I'm a problem, and when I am disgusted with myself." Seok eyes slowly glossed over, I had never really seen this sjde of him. He had always been the cool and collected hyung to me. But as I look at him he slowly seems to appeard cracked to me, not broken but damaged enough that his eyes are screaming.
His arms wrap around my frame carefully as he hums sweet protective murmurs. Seok feared for me because he understood my thoughts in his own way. He didn't fully understand how I felt but he got the jist from his kwn experiences. I sip my coffee as we both wimper quietly, trying our hardest to not let tears fall. The whole moment tender, and bonding in its own way. I actually felt pretty safe, my mind didn't dare attack me while me and Seok sat together.
A long time into the silence my ears pick up the sound of a vibration behind me. My phone screen lights up, plastering the name 'Naggy Hyung' in my vision. Setting my mug down I reach for the device and answer the call. Not paying attention enough though to realize it was a video call. "Oi, (Y/n), your favorite Hyung misses you,"Seokjin cooed immediately. A blush creeps on my face, but I wave him off pointing to Seok who was still holding me. "He's right here, why would he?" I tease as Seok let's out a chuckle. Seokjin dramatically cluthes on his chest and gasps for air as if he had suffered the worst betrayal. This lightened the mood for us, and we all chatted for a while about new things and business.
"Are you serious? God, what kind of contract is that?," Seokjin dramatically flailed his arms in the air. Seok nodded with a simple sigh as both looked at my small phone listening to our senior. He believed our contract was ridiculous with no real basis. "Listen, don't do what the company says. Do as you please, or else you'll end up a big scandal all the time and ruin your careers as artists. Do not let them cage you." He huffed out things like this for a while until Luka and Daejung came back. Seokjin nodded at me before hanging up to do idol stuff or whatever. All I knew after that phone call is that I was hungry. Dinner time I guess.
{A/N} Hello readers! Yes, updates have been super slow im sorry. Im still going through a lot of stuff which honestly I don't mind telling you guys about in brief summary.
I was held hostage in a very bad way and it was so life threatening that emotionally I'm trying to settle down before writing.
But I am safe now, and I am okay. Im trying my best to write more chapters and I honestly love the regular readers that I do have. 💚💙💛
Also another thing I want to mention is that I did say before that this was going to be a built story, that I wasnt going to jump into romance with bangtan immediately. Im for a little more realism even if this is fanfic.
Lastly, the contest has been very much extended because we didn't get many entries and I very much love communication between me and the readers.
Alright, I'll shut up now. I love you guys