Ha-ha, I'm not the only one who got a special message, Angie my dear! Or do you really think Jerry was referring to both of us?
Come on! He's been trying to hit on her since when? Since Stone's birthday. But Angie thinks he's just joking, also because he tries it on with any girl. He's a bit like Chris, Chris's bark is much worse than his bite though. He plays around, but is loyal to his girlfriend, as far as I know. Jerry's single, he barks and bites hard instead... still hasn't bitten Angie though. I mean, come on man, can't you see she's not taking you seriously? Make a fucking serious move! I totally root for Jerry: he's hot and talented, a nice man deep down inside, and he also went through a lot of shit... Angie's amazing, she deserves a boyfriend who worships her, they have a lot in common and I believe they'd make a cute couple. But he really needs to stop messing around and take action!
"I'm calling Jeff so he calms down. And tell him about tomorrow" I shout to Angie through her room's half-closed door.
"Tell him: no presents"
"Hello" he answers after 45 rings, I guess
"Hey Jeff, don't pick up the phone so fast, take it easy, huh? It's Meg, got your messages"
"Meg? What the he... No, wait Jeff, calm down, don't get mad, take a deep breath..."
"Talking to yourself a lot?"
"I mean, I called you a hundred times, you call me back hours later and I'm the one who takes his time? Just because you're finally calling me right while I'm on the toilet?"
"Oh don't get pissed, take another breath, breathing is good"
"Meg?!"
"Ok ok, sorry, I apologize for interrupting your meditation moment in the restroom. And for going to work today, instead of staying at home waiting for your hypothetical call just in case the demo arrived today. And sounded great"
"Cut it off Meg, I just thought at least one of you'd be home, but your schedule is shit. Are you coming over? I can pick you up in minutes"
"Nope, you're coming tomorrow"
"What?"
"For Angie's birthday party"
"Is it her birthday?"
"It was yesterday but the..."
"And how's it I didn't have a fucking clue?"
"Nobody did but me. But then she somehow let it out talking to Chris and he thought..."
"Wait, she didn't tell me but she told Cornell? Wow that... that hurts"
"She didn't really tell him, not intentionally, she was kinda misled... By the way, he already told Matt, Kim and Ben, and from what I've understood he also called Cantrell. I called Brian from the diner and a couple of college mates, will you tell Stone and Mike?"
"This whole lot of people knew that before me?"
"Aw come on, Jeff!"
"No no, it's ok, I get it. It's just, you know, when somebody tells me 'You're like an older brother, the one I never had' I usually tend to believe it. But it doesn't matter"
"Ahahah Jeff, don't be so dramatic! And just between us, I can tell she was high when she told you that"
"We both were, we smoked together. Do you remember? The good old days? When we used to see each other? Do stuff together? And I knew what was happening in your lives? Now I miss out on birthdays and barely catch you on the phone"
"Eh kinda hard times... Angie's doing extra shifts at the store also, and she's taking college quite seriously, you know her"
"I know... she really needs to party! Does she know anything?"
"She knows Chris is up to something, and she's scared to death of course, but doesn't know what and when. Are you coming then? We'll meet here, then go to see Melvins at the Rock Candy"
"Jesus, she loves them, she'll go crazy!"
"Exactly! Then we can stay there or come back to our place and party hard"
"I like the plan"
"Oh and as far as I know Angie, she wouldn't want presents, but booze and other funny substances will be welcomed"
"Got the message!"
"And you could bring the demo for us to listen. Better when we're sober"
"Yeah! The demo's great, I think listening to it while stoned could have its charms also..."
"Let's have a double listening session then, before and after, so we can compare the different experiences and discuss them"
"Hahaha that'd be crazy! Right, I'll call my girlfriend first and then Stone"
"Aren't they the same person?"
"Ha-ha hanging out with Angie and her sarcasm isn't doing you good. Don't you wanna call Mike? Did you fight? Are you mad at him?"
"What? What are you talking about? I just don't wanna repeat the whole birthday story once more"
"Yeah... sure... Mmm I think I should call Cantrell too, to remind him that she doesn't dig presents. Or tomorrow I'm afraid he'll show up naked with a big ribbon on"
"Hahaha that'd be amazing!"
"Actually that was supposed to be a disgusting image"
"You can't understand"
"I don't want to understand!"
"Ok, so I think we can end up this pleasant conversation with this pleasant image of a fully naked Jerry"
"Oh please! I'm gonna have nightmares tonight"
"Hehe good night!"
"Wait, you didn't tell me the time"
"Oh I'll come back from work with Angie at 8 o'clock, but the guys will be here earlier to arrange everything"
"Alright then, I'm calling them. See ya tomorrow!"
Tomorrow has become today. Angie, being obsessed with tidiness as usual, forces me to hide everything potentially breakable or easy to get dirty, or basically everything she doesn't want to be touched by anyone. After the clean sweep there's almost nothing left around apart from the furniture and the toilet bowl. On the other hand, I convince her to let me do her hair and makeup. I can say she's about to cry when I start using the curling iron, but she stoically resists. She's gorgeous tonight, she'd be even more with a skirt or a nice top... or at least a t-shirt which is well-fitted and not four sizes bigger. But I don't want to push my luck.
"Remember you must look surprised!" I remind her while going upstairs. Why doesn't she take that fucking elevator?
"I know, you told me a thousand times!"
"Let's rehearse"
"What?"
"Show me a surprised expression"
"Hahaha"
"I'm serious! You study cinema, don't you? So, just rehearse the scene"
"I'm studying cinema Meg, not acting"
"Oh you know how to do it all the same! Come on, show me"
We stop at the second floor for a while and Angie pretends to open an imaginary door in front of her with little enthusiasm.
"Surprise!" I scream silently and jump towards her face. And she comes up with an expression which is a combination of 'Oh my god, a spider!' and 'Take all my money but please don't hurt me'. I tell her and we start laughing like idiots and making a list of all the possible hidden meanings behind her expression. Among others...
"It could also be something like 'What's that? A Bon Jovi record? Keep it away from me!'" she says.
"It looked more like 'Keep that face powder away from me!'"
"Asshole"
"Or 'Keep that teen movie away from me!'"
"That's much better"
"Would you please be quiet!" we're in stitches when a woman, half in a pajama half in a nurse uniform, suddenly comes out "There's somebody here who just did a double shift and wants to sleep!"
"Something's telling me that somebody is you" Angie replies. Why does she always have to be sarcastic?
"Yeah, congratulations! You won!"
"We're sorry, we're leaving now" I try to calm the waters and drag Angie upstairs.
"I don't understand who always goes like There's someone who, I hate those people who, I'd kill those who, while they're actually talking about someone specific. Why can't they be direct? If you wanna be allusive you should do that better, otherwise just be straight! That's a weak irony, irony for dummies. Wait... I mentioned Those people who say things like There's people who while I was referring to the specific nurse living on the 2nd floor... I did it, I do that as well! I'm a dummy! A terrible person. I'm average!"
"Angie, I stopped paying attention after I hate those people but I agree with you upon trust. Except for the average thing. Now try and focus on surprise"
"Right, let's focus on serious matters" she turns to me and makes the same funny expression as before.
"Stop it! Or somebody's gonna chew us out at the 3rd floor too" I ask her trying not to burst again.
We finally get to the door of our apartment. I start coughing, talking random shit loudly and pretending that the key doesn't fit in the lock, as Chris suggested, to make the guys aware of our arrival and give them time to do anything they've planned to do.
"I can't understand, what's wrong with it? Oh it fits now! But doesn't turn... I'm gonna kill the landlord"
"What if the lock was picked? Maybe we shouldn't get in" Angie's bad, how does she even come out with such stuff?!
"It wasn't, it's just old"
"A lot of horror movies start like this, maybe there's a maniac inside. With an axe" Angie's evil, how can she keep her face straight?
"Nobody's in there, trust me. It's just faulty"
"Who knows it. Maybe we should call the POLICE" Angie's an evil mastermind. The way she stresses the word police... I swear I hear Mike quietly curse or maybe it was just fantasy. I can't imagine how much illegal stuff is in there.
"Shut up! Wait, it's turning now... Yeah, it's open, we can GET IN NOW".
Lights are off, curtain and blinds are closed and all is silent. For a brief moment I think that maybe they forgot... or maybe already got wasted waiting for us. I wouldn't be surprised if we turned out the lights and found them all passed out between the carpet and the couch. But that's not the case.
Someone turns on both lamps in the living room at the same time, the soft lightning reveals a quite large attendance. Some of the attendants are sitting on the carpet, with instruments, and start playing as soon as the lights are on. Angie makes an expression which is even more hilarious than the former. I guess she's really shocked. And I'm surprised too since Chris, Jerry, Jeff and Mike perform one of the most absurd cover versions of I'm 18 (changed into You're 18) by Alice Cooper I've ever heard. With Matt and Layne on percussions, which means they're actually banging with spoons, knives and bar blades on our coffee table, and everybody on backing vocals. I bet what worries her the most is our precious coffee table, but she's clearly embarrassed by the whole situation. If she had a shovel right now she wouldn't waste time digging a hole to hide herself in it, she'd just hit herself in the head with that to end it all quickly. Especially when Chris comes close to her singing and takes her playfully in his arms to sketch a few dance steps. A frozen turkey would be more responsive than her. A frozen turkey would love being the center of attention more than Angie for sure.
The performance ends with a loud ovation. At that very moment I realize I haven't closed the door. The mere thought of the furious nurse scares me to death, so I rush out the door, take a look outside to see there's nobody around and then shut it. When I turn back around I see Jeff has picked Angie up and is cruelly spinning her.
"Happy birthdaaaaaaaaaay!"
"Jeff put me down NOW!"
"Noooooooooooooo!"
"You're gonna break your back!"
"Shut up, you're as light as a feather. An adult feather! 18 years old!"
"Jeff just put me down, I feel like I'm gonna throw up"
"Ok, it's too early for that, you should get drunk before at least" Jeff finally puts her down.
"My turn!" yells Jerry as he puts his arms around her waist from behind and tries to lift her up.
"If you dare to I'll kill you" she must be really intimidating because Jerry gives up immediately.
Everybody wishes Angie happy birthday, hugs her and kisses her in turns, and her cheeks become more and more red.
"Happy birthday Angie, you look so pretty with curls! You're beautiful today" tells her Laura, Jeff's girlfriend. At this point her cheeks reach the highest color and she even forgets sarcasm.
"Oh... thanks..."
"Wait a minute... That's true, she's beautiful today... She's TOO beautiful, she has different makeup and hair... Meg told her!!" Kim points the finger at me.
"What? I didn't tell her anything!" I try to defend myself.
"Wha-what? You knew that and didn't tell me?!" Angie tries to cover up for me. Unfortunately she studies cinema, not acting. Thank you all the same, my friend.
"She told her, she's not even wearing her uniform!" shouts Mike.
"She told her, the bedrooms have been locked!" echoes Krusen.
"She told her, they emptied the house before we came!" adds Layne.
"I did that, while she was away" I'm still trying to convince them.
"You? You'd never think about something like that!" says Chris. That's true, shit.
"Well she only told me there could be something happening, she didn't tell me what it was..." Angie stabs me in the back. Tu quoque! Don't know if we're still friends.
"Oh my god, Meg, can't you really keep anything to yourself?" asks Matt laughing.
"But... I just..."
"Stop now, let's all just ignore Meg to make her understand we're upset and focus our all attention on the birthday girl" states Jeff
"Oh no, let's all just ignore the birthday girl and focus our attention to Meg to show her we're upset" replies Angie. We're not friends anymore, Judas!
The trial ends and I'm provisionally forgiven. Somebody puts a record on, London Calling by The Clash, and Angie goes back to kissing and thanking everyone.
"Angie, you're 18! You can legally drink now!" tells her Mike shaking her by her shoulders.
"Uhm... nope, that's at 21" she retorts smiling shyly.
"Really? And now what the hell shall we do with all this booze? Let's take it all away guys, to my place!"
"Cut it off," Angie playfully slaps his arm "and give me a beer!" she's finally starting to relax.
Maybe only because she realized she still has alcohol as a way out.
"Something's missing here: where's Stone?" I ask.
"Hey, you still haven't been accorded the right of speech... but you're right, where the fuck is Stoney?" echoes Mike.
"Where the hell is he? I sent him to my place to take the demo I forgot, but it was an hour ago" explains Jeff.
"What? Jeff you... you left us a hundred messages, got pissed because we didn't call you immediately and stressed us out with this demo thing... then you simply forget?!" I don't have the right of speech but laugh my ass off with Angie.
"Oh shut up! Where the fuck is Gossard?" Jeff cusses to himself and walks to the window. He opens it and looks out to see if his band mate is coming. Or maybe he's calling him telepathically.
I'm still laughing when I hear Jerry whispering something.
"Hey Angie, can we talk for a minute? Just... me and you?"
Yeah Jerry, finally!