His eyes darted back and forth between each of my own. A single tear rolling down his cheeks glistened from the small light plugged into the wall. His breathing was slightly heavy as his eyes fell down upon me; his Adam's apple bobbed.
"You said you wouldn't judge..." his voice broke.
"And I'm keeping my word," I spoke softly.
How could I judge somebody when I had been feeling the same way as them for months?
I stood on my tippy toes and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. He buried his head into the crook of my neck.
"I've got you," I whispered as I began to gently play with his hair.
"You shouldn't though. I'm just a mess, Naomi..."
"And what do I look like to you?"
"A little chihuahua."
"No." I laughed lightly. "I'm a mess too. You're not alone."
"You don't deserve to be a mess though, Naomi. That's the thing!"
"You don't deserve it either!" I proclaimed. "Ethan, I don't know how many times I will have to say it... but I'm going to say it over and over again until it gets into you thick skull. You deserve happiness, E. And don't even argue with that because deep down you know it's true."
He didn't reply to that. He pulled lightly on his lip ring as he looked away from me. Letting out a deep breath I didn't know he was holding, he shook his head lightly.
. . .
I laid on the air mattress that Dallas bought me so that I wouldn't have to sleep on the couch as I looked up at the ceiling fan above me. I watched each panel circle around and around as I laid on my back. I was calm; I wasn't over thinking anything in particular which was a relief.
I was doing better than when I came to New York, I guess my mom knew what she was doing when she sent me there. I still had my off days and days where I wanted to crawl up into a ball on the cold floor and cry, but that was better than feeling that way every day.
I wasn't at peace with what happened, and I wasn't done grieving. But I somehow managed to climb out of the bottomless pit that was my self-hatred post Wes' death.
As for Ethan, he wasn't doing much better. It had been two weeks since the day I went into his room to comfort him and if anything, Ethan had only been getting worse. He'd let me into his room, which was a plus; however, he never left his room unless it were to use the bathroom. He cycled between the same two sweat shirts and the same two sweat pants every day.
I tried to get him out of his room, but it hadn't quite worked out. I wish he could have realized he wasn't alone, but he was too stubborn to try to.
Slowly, I felt my eyelids become heavy as I drifted off into a dream.
My heart pounded against my chest as I gripped tightly each of my boys' arms. I gripped Wes' arm with one arm and Parker's with the other as my wary eyes scanned the scenery surrounding me. The bright lights below us gleamed as we dangled high off the ground.
Wes threw his head back while a loud laugh left his mouth. I knew I was being ridiculous as I jittered my knees all awhile the Ferris wheel had only moved one place from the platform.
"How are you so petrified right now?!" he wheezed, "you literally laughed throughout both the huge ass coasters at Universal! Meanwhile I shat my pants during both!"
"I don't know! Why are you so terrified of squirrels?" I laughed nervously.
"Those little shits are demons and you know it!"
"Well I feel like this entire thing is going to collapse and we're all going to die! This shit's scarier than Halloween Horror Nights, man!"
"You're being irrational right now." Parker rolled his eyes as he looked around at the fair surrounding us.
"It's a phobia, man. She can't control it." Wes was quick to defend.
He was only light heartedly teasing me. It was the way we were. Wes thought that Parker always got irritated far too easily and would only become cruel because of it. I thought Wes was over exaggerating a bit when he'd bring it up, but I saw a hint of truth in it every now and then.
"She should learn how too," Parker replied with a snarky tone.
The boys broke out into an argument over it. However, my head was far to flooded with fear as the Ferris wheel slowed to be able to clarify their words. We were at the very top when it came to a complete stop causing my grips on both of them to strengthen and for my eyes to screw shut.
"Crap," Wes murmured. "Listen to me, Naomi. We'll be okay, I promise."
I nodded my head as I tried not to think about it but was failing miserably.
"remember that one time in elementary when you, me, and Dallas went up into your treehouse and I decided it wasn't high enough. So I climbed further up than the tree house, and when I reached the top of the tree I decided it would be a great idea to spread my arms and shout 'I'm King of the World' but lost my balance and fell from the very top of the tree and broke my nose? Remember that?"
"Yeah, you were a dumbass," I murmured as I focused on that memory, "You still are"
Wes' famous laugh erupted yet again. "True."
A grin grew across my face. "And then Dallas tried to perform surgery on it in my backyard and ended up making it worse."
We laughed as we laughed at the memory and I had momentarily forgotten that I was at the top of the Ferris wheel. Momentarily.
Parker must have grown agitated towards Wes finding it so easy to comfort me as he came up with the most brilliant idea known to mankind! Rocking the cart of a Ferris Wheel while there's someone deathly afraid of Ferris Wheels was on it.
I screamed bloody murdered as I instinctively clutched onto Wes for protection. Every single thought in my head was telling me that that was it and that I was going to die.
"What the fuck are you doing!" Wes yelled at Parker.
"We took her on this to help her get over her fear like she wanted! She'll thank me later!"
"Yeah, we took her on this to help her get over her fear, not kill her!"
"Stop! Please!" I screeched as I buried my head deeper into Wes.
It was then that Parker stopped rocking the cart and pulled from Wes' arms, wrapping his own around me. He cradled me.
"You're okay," he told me.
My fear of Ferris Wheel had to have multiplied by ten that night. I never stepped foot in one again.
As soon as we got off, Wes slapped Parker across the face, causing heads to turn and for a crowd to form around us.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Wes shouted, smoke fuming from his ears. "You supposedly love her, yet you do shit like that. What. The. Fuck!"
"I had her best interest in mind. I was helping her face her fear."
"Helping?! Are you out of your God damn mind! Seriously? You call that helping?!"
"She's fine. She lived!"
"So what?! Did you not hear her screeching in fear because of your dumbass?! Like c'mon! What kind of man are you?! You don't fucking do that!"
"Chill out dude."
"I won't. You need to go, Parker."
"You don't want me to leave though. Right, babe?"
I remained silent as I stepped closer to Wes, keeping my head low. I did want him to leave.
"Right, babe?!" Parker repeated, nostrils flaring.
I let out a quiet, "no". This was one of the times I saw Wes' point.
"Un-fucking-believable," Parker scoffed before turning to push through the crowd and stomp back to his car.
Wes sighed as he turned to me with wary eyes. His gaze switched between both of my eyes for a moment as if trying to read whether or not I was okay. He knew no matter what my answer would be 'I'm fine'. He gulped back as he shook his head.
"Come here," he mumbled before pulling me into his hug.
We stood there for a couple moments before he pulled away and held me at arm's length away.
"You have to break up with him,"
"He was only trying to help," I tried to defend.
"He's toxic, Naomi! You can't tell me that what he just did was okay!"
"It wasn't. But I don't know, Wes."
"I'm telling you right now, you have to break up with him. Guys like him don't deserve girls like you. I know what guys like that do, and you have to trust me on this, Naomi. You're going to get hurt if you stay with him."
My eyes fluttered open as my brain processed the memory I dreamed of. That happened back in May of my Junior year, nine months before the accident. Wes had always had a bad feeling about Parker and for rightful reasons too. If only I listened.
I should've broken up with Parker that night. Save myself the misery. But I didn't. And when I tried to call it off the next time I saw him, he twisted it around to me being too close with Wes and me being unfaithful. I wasn't; but I fell into his web anyway.
My head was flooded with warning signs I completely ignored back in my last three years of high school. I regretted that deeply which only brought in a large flood of grief, regret, and anger towards me.
I hadn't even completely processed all that I just remembered in my dream. From Parker's hostility to Wes' warning, there was a lot that I missed and I was only just then beginning to realize it.
I needed to go for a walk, I decided. I needed to let it all process and get my thought gathered. I rolled off the air mattress and stumbled into the kitchen. I took a small note pad and wrote a note in case anyone woke up and noticed me missing. I grabbed a spare key from the drawer and headed out the front door.
I walked down a straight line in the street, afraid of making a turn and then not knowing how to get back to the apartment. It was very early morning, probably five in the morning.
I walked down the street lamp lit side walk as I tried to remember other warning signs.
I could only recall one. Senior Homecoming. I went with Parker and Wes went with this nice girl named Quinn. Long story short Parker got handsy during a slow song and when I mentioned it to him, he got upset and ditched me to hangout with his football friends. That night I ended up third wheeling Wes and Quinn.
Growing upset with myself, I began walking faster. I wasn't quite paying attention at to where I was going and ended up bumping into someone, causing them to drop the folders they were holding.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry," I began as I started to pick up the folders, thankfully papers didn't go flying.
I looked up to see who dropped the folders and noticed Amira. We had been messaging each other ever since the day at the pizza shop. I hadn't expected to see her at all.
"Amira? What are you doing up so early?"
"I could ask you the same thing." She laughed lightly as we both stood up. Holding tightly onto the folders, she made sure not to drop anything.
"Woke up early because of a dream so here I am trying to process it."
"Ah. Well I was just running to the library so I could get there when it opens."
"What for?" I asked. I was curious about the folders.
"Well I'm only here in New York to help my best friend out. She's kind of pregnant and doesn't know who the baby daddy is."
"Oh my," I gasped.
"Yeah, it sounds bad... and quite honestly it is. But I love her anyways."
"So, you're in New York because you're helping her figure out who the baby daddy is?"
"Yeah. Not only that, but to then find out where whoever he is lives."
"Wow! You're a good friend, Amira."
"That girl's always been there for me so I've got to be there for her. Y'know?"
"I get that."
"Can't believe this hoe slept with five guys in two weeks. We don't even know half of their names!" Amira let out stressful sigh. She clearly just wanted to help her best friend but didn't know how they'll be able to finally figure out who the guy was.
"No es bueno."
"Oh my Gosh! Did I say that out loud? I didn't mean to say that out loud!"
"It's fine. First of all, you know I won't be telling anyone because I don't have someone to spill tea with other than you. And second, even if I did you never told me her name."
"You're right. You're right." She nodded before taking a deep breath. "She just doesn't want anybody knowing that she doesn't know who the dad is..."
"Yeah, that has to be tough. I couldn't imagine what it's like to be in that situation."
"Me neither," Amira shook her head. "I know she sounds unloyal... or is unloyal when it comes to her men. But she's an amazing friend and we've had each other's backs for years. I want to support her through this pregnancy."
"I totally respect that."
After catching up with Amira for a little bit, I decided it would be best if I returned to the apartment. Once I had, I noticed a note just below the one I left. It was Dallas telling me that he had just left for class.
I crumbled the note into a ball and threw it out before approaching Ethan's room. I brought my fist to the door and knocked softly on it. "Ethan?" I called out. I thought it might be nice to try to spend the day with him again.
However, he didn't answer causing me to cock my head to the side in confusion. He always answered the door even if it were just to tell me he wanted to be left alone that day.
"Ethan?" I repeated.
No answer.
I brought my hand to the cold, metal, door knob, twisting it just enough to push it open. His room was left exactly as it was when I last left except Ethan wasn't in it. Where could he have gone? I glanced over to the bathroom but the door was left wide open and nobody was in it. Since when did he ever leave his room?
The only spot I could think to check on was the balcony. Once I reached it I sighed in relief.
He stood on the tiny balcony with both of his hands gripping onto the railing. The hood of his hoodie was up, shielding most of his face from plain view.
"Hi," I spoke softly as I stepped onto the balcony and stood beside him. I leaned my elbows onto the railing and rested my cheek with the palm of my hand as we stood there.
"Naomi, the pain is getting worse and worse everyday, and I don't know how much more I can take it." His voice had came out raspy.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No, I just want it stop. I want to be okay again."
"I'll help you get there but you have to talk to me, E."
"I don't know if I can."
"Ethan, you can talk to me, baby..." Wait. Baby?
"Stop it, Naomi. There's no use. I'm stuck and unlike it I can't get out."
"But-"
"Just go find something better to do."
"Etha-"
"I-I said 'go'," he stammered.
So I listened. His face dropped when I did, but I didn't know what else he would want me to do when he had just told me to go. He confused me at times. His brain was more complex than I once thought.