Sabo didn't come home the next day. Or the day after. You figured that he was avoiding you, but you got annoyed on the third day.
If he was going to turn you down, at least he could do it to your face. Since it was the weekend, you figured you would let Maya come and stay with Rouge (which both of them seemed excited about, Rouge laughing and showing her new teeth out) and by extension Nana.
You, on the other hand went to Koala's house, determined to fish some answers from her. Since it was already after lunch, you bribed her by bringing some leftover tako su salad as a snack.
"Hmm, this is really good, Y/N!" Koala said when she tasted it.
Great. She took the bait.
"So, have you and Sabo ever dated?" You asked.
Koala coughed, nearly choking in surprise at your question.
"Oh, what an interesting question." A voice behind you said. Startled, you turned only to find Robin standing there, her arms crossed.
"Robin-san, you startled me. What are you- KYAAA!" You screamed when Robin suddenly disappeared right before your eyes. "Huh? Where did she go? What happened?"
"Relax, she's right over there." Koala said pointing, and sure enough, Robin was walking towards you from the opposite direction.
"That's a new technique I'm working on, but I can only hold it for so long." She explained to your confused self.
"Wow!" You exclaimed. "That is so cool, you can clone yourself! How did you come up with that?"
"I learned a few things from accompanying Dragon-san on his journey. Sometimes I may need to infiltrate a place but without having the capability to fight my way out." She smiled. "That's when I decided to try this."
Robin smiled and reached out to taste some of Koala's salad. "Hmm, that is good. By the way, I thought mermaids didn't eat seafood."
"Oh, just fish. It's just weird I guess, but everything else is fine." You said. "Now, Koala, are you gonna answer my question or not?"
"Well, the answer is no, obviously." She said.
"Really?" Robin asked.
"Why are you so surprised? We met when we were kids and have been friends ever since. He needed someone to keep him on a leash, and that's my job. If I were to date him, who would be there to keep him in check." Koala pointed out.
"So, you've never even thought about it?" You asked. "Or him?"
"Nope, it would be like dating my senseless little brother. And as for Sabo, I doubt that too, you're the only girl that he's ever shown any interest in as long as I've known him." She said.
♤Shown interest in?♤
"So, then it wasn't because of another woman that I got dumped. Where the hell is he, anyway?" You said slumping yourself down the lawn.
"He volunteered for an emergency mission two days ago. Wait, he dumped you?" Koala said and both she and Robin were looking at you in shock.
"Yeah he did...I mean, I guess?" You told them what happened.
"Well, that explains why he was a complete mess the other day! He wouldn't tell me why." Koala frowned. "No wonder he volunteered for something he normally wouldn't do."
"Yeah." You despaired, "He is completely avoiding me until I get the message."
"I doubt that. Trust me, if there's a problem, it's definitely him and not you." Koala placed a hand on your shoulder.
Robin looked thoughtful, "I don't know, Y/N-chan, Sabo doesn't strike me as the kind to leave things so vague. I feel like if he wanted to completely turn you down, he would do so in a single strike, just ripping of the band aid, letting the blood flow from the wound."
"You're not helping, Robin-san." Koala said.
You stared up at the sky, and it looked so blue that it reminded you of Sabo's eyes. You imagined the blood flow from your broken heart if Sabo went Robin's proposed route.
***
A few days later as you lay in your bed in the silence, Rouge's breathing being the only noise in the night, you wondered if you would ever fall asleep.
A knock on your door caused you to sit up, and turn the lamp on. You cursed the way your heart picked up at a simple knock. It might not be him after all.
"Who is it?" You asked.
"It's me. May I come in?" It was him.
"Um...yeah."
The lamp could only show you so much of his face as he entered. You could not decipher his expression, and you were too afraid to search for his emotions.
Sabo sat down on the chair next to your bed, and said nothing. You were afraid of the silence becoming awkward, and you wanted to fill it.
"I'm sorry that I pushed so hard the other day, so don't worry about letting me down gently or anything. I already got the message when you left, so-" You babbled on but stopped when Sabo looked at you.
"Why would you assume that? I haven't said anything and you're already rejecting yourself." He said.
"You pushed me away, that must mean that you don't feel the same way I do." You reasoned.
Sabo frowned, and looked at you intensely. "So, you think that I would fly just anyone to the sky to show them the sunset, or that I would ask just anyone on a date, to spend my first real birthday in eleven years with?" He asked. "Do I really seem like someone who would touch or kiss any woman that I have no feelings for, the way I touched you?"
You stared, wide eyed at him. So he did like you!
Thump.
Thump.
"That's not what I-"
"I didn't leave because of you, I left because of me. If I was going to reject you, I would have done it months ago, when I first realised that you had feelings for me."
He wasn't here to dump you? "H-how long have you known? How I feel, I mean."
Sabo chuckled, "I think I discovered it even before you did."
"What? No way! You mean before we went to Kamabakka Kingdom?" You asked.
"Yup. Let's just say, you talk a lot when you're drunk, and you are easier to read." He laughs.
Did that mean that you already liked him by the Christmas Party? You bit your lip, and asked the question plaguing your heart right now.
"What about you, then? You already know that I'm in love with you." You said looking him in the eye.
Sabo tensed up, a look of shock and a tiny blush on his face. "You're in...How can you say it so easily?" He asked. "Do you know how much courage it took me to even think about kissing you on the forehead?"
"I'm just not good at hiding my feelings. You know this already." You told him.
He sighed. "I envy you. How can it be so easy for you to discard everything else and let your feelings out? How can you express yourself so...freely?"
You lay back down on the bed and stared at the ceiling.
"Shall I tell you a story?" You asked.
"A story?"
"Once upon a time, in the North Blue, a girl was born to a noble family. She was sick, and weak and it was a wonder that she even survived. She was an only child, and her mother could not have any more children. So, with no male heirs to carry on the family name, her parents decided that she would be the one to save their lineage." You said. "This child was taught to follow only the will of her parents, to live to revive the family name, to bring her parents glory. She was taught how to behave like a lady, to suppress her own feelings and put only the family first. She was an obedient child and did as her parents commanded, after all, what child could possibly imagine that her parents were using her as a tool?"
Sabo was looking at you, you could feel his eyes as you told this story, one that never failed to strike a painful nerve in you. This story was a little too close to home for him given what had happened with his own parents.
"The girl was unfortunately born with a weak body, and she was always sick. Her parents kept her away from other people, and she was sheltered in the home she grew up in, isolated like a prisoner. In all that time, her parents only ever looked in on her occasionally to scold her on bad grades or on anything that they found unworthy in a child who they wanted to marry into the royal family." You told him. "In all her life, the only person who ever cared for her was the young nursemaid who was tasked with raising her and caring for her condition. The nurse gave the child as much love as she could and passed on her love for music to the noble girl. Music was the only thing that the girl ever indulged herself in because she enjoyed it. She was not the best singer but her parents allowed her to learn to play the piano figuring she needed to be skilled in the arts as well. When she was seventeen years old, her parents' dream was finally fulfilled." You said.
The ceiling was oddly blank as you stared up at it, and Rouge's steady breathing indicated that she was asleep. You sighed, and continued with the story.
"She was lucky, at the presentation ball, the king fell in love with her after hearing her play a mellow melody on the piano, he was intrigued by her...and he chose her to be his bride. Even though she was sickly, he still loved her. A few months later, she married him." You paused. "She had thought that she would find meaning once she achieved her parents' dream. But unfortunately, even with a king for a husband, a man who loved and dotted on her daily, she never truly found happiness in her life. Even though she was a queen now, her life had lost it's meaning when she achieved everything that she'd spent her life preparing for. She found solace in a few quiet moments where she could enjoy music with her nursemaid or by herself. Eventually, she gave birth to two boys, and in raising her children, she found some comfort. But this was hard on her frail body and she decided not to have any more children."
"A drastic change happened one day, as she sat by her window, she heard a beautiful voice singing in the garden. She wanted to know where this melody came from, so she chased it, and found that it belonged to a new servant that the king had recently acquired. A detestable fishman. Yet still, despite everything that she had been taught, the discrimation that was all over this kingdom about other species, she was drawn to his voice. Every afternoon after that, she would listen to the man singing as he worked. A new song blossomed in the queen's heart." You smiled.
"So, the girl fell in love?" Sabo asked.
"That's right. A queen fell in love with a servant. To a woman who had suppressed her heart her entire life, the feelings were an explosion that she was unable to contain in that weak body. And how could the fishman not fall for a beautiful woman like her who treated him as an equal in a world in which he'd only received oppression from humans? But he was reluctant, after all she was married and to the king at that. But in the end, he accepted her." You smiled again. "A while later, she discovered that she was pregnant, and resolved to run away with her lover, to leave behind the kingdom and her teenage sons. Unfortunately, her eldest son discovered the truth about the affair, and was disgusted that his mother would disgrace the family like this. And so, he killed his mother's lover before they could leave."
Sabo inhaled sharply in shock. Honestly, a part of you wished that you had never found out this detail.
"Grief-striken, the queen nearly fell apart, losing herself in the loss. But she knew that she had to protect her unborn child, her son wasn't heartless enough to tell the king about the affair, so she went into the king's bed." You turned to face Sabo. "I was born seven months later, to a depressed mother who became paralysed from the final birth. Having lost the only love she ever had, my mother held on to me tightly. I was the only thing she cared about in the four years that we were together. I don't remember her all that well, but there are memories and words that she taught me that I remember clearly."
"So this is the story of your family, huh? It seems that your mother suffered a lot." Sabo said sympathetically.
"She did. But you asked me why I can share my feelings so easily, and this is why. Because of my mother's past and the words she told me. She told me to never suppress my feelings and to love and be loved. To find confidence in myself and to never hide my feelings just because someone said so." You sighed. "Maybe I took it too literally, but it's become nearly impossible for me to hide my feelings. You know this."
Sabo moved from the chair and sat on your bed. "Thank you for sharing this part of your life with me, I really appreciate it." He said. He was so close that you could feel the heat radiating from his body as you looked up at him, and you resisted the urge to cover yourself with a pillow to hide from his gaze.
"Since you were honest with me, I will be honest with you too." Sabo said. "The truth is, I never intended to do anything with the feelings that I felt developing inside my heart for you. But I went against that, more than once. Before you, my self control is nothing at all." He said. "But the problem is, to me, you are unattainable, out of my reach. I know that this is a limitation that I put on myself, but it is not something that I can overcome easily. In my head, I have it ingrained that you belong to Ace, and maybe I was just searching a connection to him through you in the beginning, I don't know."
"Sabo, Ace is-"
"I know. I do, it's just, I have a lot of guilt where Ace is concerned, I thought that if I saved you, if I looked after you in his place, then maybe he would forgive me for not being able to go to save him. It's way more than that now, though, there are things going through my mind that I don't like, and I still have a lot of issues with this that I need to sort out before I can come before you as a man." He explained.
You bit your lip. "So, this is a rejection, then." You said.
"No. Never." Sabo looked down at you in the soft amber glow of the lamplight. "I don't do things in halves, I always go all out, and I'm a bit reckless in everything that I do, but I always give it my all. That's how I am in love too. I want to be able to love you freely without worrying about my guilt or tearing myself apart because I don't feel like what I'm doing is right. I want to give all of myself to you, all the broken pieces, but I need to sort them out first. It would only hurt you if I was wishy washy in a relationship with you and I could never do that. I want to come to you, when I feel ready to give you all the love that you deserve."
Honestly, you were too focused on the words, "I want to love you freely." to think about anything else.
"So, what do you want to do?" You asked.
"I'm really sorry, but for the first time with you, no, for the second time, I will be selfish." He asked. "Y/N, can I make a selfish request?"
♤Why do I keep falling for these selfish bastards?♤
"Make it." You breathed.
"Will you please wait for me?" Those damn blue eyes that reminded you of the sea gazed down at you hopefully. "Until I can come before you and take responsibility for both of our feelings, until I can look at you, without feeling guilty...until I reach a good place with myself, and understand myself better. Until I can give all of the love that I have in my heart to you. Will you wait for me until then?"
And now you didn't know what to say, because the closeness of him, and the distance of his heart made you ache a little. And yet, somehow the words that he said and the determination of them, the promise that they carried, melted you inside, drove you crazy and your heart jumped up and down. Because of course you would. What wouldn't you do for this man?
"Fine, I'll wait. I'll let you be selfish." You said. "But let me tell you something first."
"What?" He asked.
You breathed in, and effortlessly, but still passionately, said the words that were begging to come out of heart, to reach him and make him understand that yes you would wait, but it would be hard for you.
"Sabo, I love you."
Sabo started. For a moment, his resolve wavered, and he wanted to discard all foolish thoughts about settling his own issues first before coming to you with them.
For a moment he considered throwing caution in the wind. So what if his mind's unsteady state led to him hurting you, hurt was a part of love right? So what if he wallowed in guilt and self-contempt and uncertainty because of it?
But only for a moment.
He stood up, recognising the need to leave before he crumbled completely before you and allowed you to love him, to your heart's content right here. He leaned down and brushed his lips past yours, for only a second, tempting himself, telling himself to get his issues sorted out quickly, because this was what was waiting for him.
"You really are a dangerous woman." He whispered as he walked to the door.
You smiled slightly, feeling the heat where his lips briefly touched yours.
"Don't keep me waiting for too long." You whispered as he stood, leaning against the door.
Before you fell asleep, you thought you heard him say. "I won't."
***
In the following few weeks, you noticed another subtle change in your relationship with Sabo. His touches didn't linger anymore, and you knew that it was so he could keep himself in check. But stares did linger, and smiles and laughs were precious moments that you held dear.
The moments you spent alone with him, him standing a little too far away from you, but more engaged in conversations, moments where he never, ever, agreed to go for a swim with you, were little pieces that made you fall even more in love with him.
And then there were the moments the two of you spent with Rouge, simple everyday things like Rouge posseting milk on Sabo's shirt even though she was already over a year old. She seemed to find it amusing, but neither you nor Sabo did because it meant more laundry for you. And one time Sabo suggested that maybe he should just walk around shirtless instead.
Like hell you were going to be able to wait if he did something like that. You threw a frying pan at him in response with he caught easily with a smirk. And you resisted the urge to punch him the face to wipe off that beautiful smile that sped up your heart.
Perhaps the best moment of all happened one morning while you were in the kitchen, and Sabo called you to the living room where he was doing some paperwork for the relocation of some refugees while watching Rouge. You found him on the floor with her, and she was standing, not balancing on anything.
"That's crazy!" You said kneeling down on the floor next to him, watching Rouge, just standing on her own two feet.
"Yeah, it took her a while, but she did it." He said happily.
And just when you thought that the moment couldn't possibly get better, Rouge took one step. Two steps. Three steps. Then she just sat back down playing with her toys.
"D-did you see that?" Sabo asked in awe.
You looked at him, tears in your eyes, "Sabo, she was walking...Our Rouge took her first steps!"
In his eyes was reflected the same pride that you felt about your daughter. And you were glad that this moment was shared with him. You wanted to share all the major moments in Rouge's life with him, until the end of time. You wanted him to be right there for all of them, as the father neither of you had.
You desperately wanted him to stay by your side for the rest of your life.
"I'm so glad that I didn't miss this." Sabo said. "Thank you for letting me be a part of Rouge's life. I hope that you let me carry on experiencing her growth. I want to be there with you, every step of the way."
And then you knew that this moment was one that you would never forget, because a song about Sabo was itching to be released from your heart, and the lyrics were already formed inside.
Another moment that you missed was when Sabo was helping Nana to her room one night.
"Thank you, Sabo-san." Nana said.
"I just helped put you in the bed." Sabo responded.
"Not for that. For having mercy on Y/N, and giving so much to her. As the only parent that she's had for a long time, I feel secure giving both her and Rouge to you." Nana said as he gave her her medicine.
Sabo smiled, "I've told you so many times, but there's no need to thank me. And besides, that just sounds like you are giving her in marriage or something."
Even in her weakened state, Nana was able to give him a smug look. "I might as well be."
And Sabo went red in the face, because of course the old woman was not stupid, she could tell what was going on.
You were surprised when Sabo left the room so fast that he almost ran into you as you were coming in.
"Sorry." He muttered.
"Huh?" You said noticing that he was embarrassed. "Nana, what did you say to him?"
The old woman smiled. "Oh, nothing he didn't already know."
She wasn't telling, so you let the matter go.
More moments came and went, appreciated by you in the company of those that you'd come to think of as family. You took an indefinite leave from Mesland School again as the seasons began to change, and Nana required more care.
There were also moments with Kai and Maya who came often to watch Kai train and to learn some cooking tips from you. You also had the sneaking suspicion that the silent girl may have had a crush on Kai. And the boy may or may not have seemed more motivated when she was around.
Of course, you teased her about it, and you were proud when she made her first meal by herself and watched Kai eating it zealously. The two teenagers had become a near prmanent fixture in your home, and you would not have it any other eay.
Moments like these were meant to be treasured.
***
But like all things, whenever good things happened to you, there was always the need for a balance, and something was bound to go wrong.
Like you had done on many occasions in the past, this night was no different as you went downstairs and made yourself at home in Nana's room.
"You are relentless, no....matter how many....times I tell you not to come." Nana coughed. "You even...brought your daughter this...time."
You placed Rouge on the cot that stayed in Nana's room, switched of the lights and then got into bed with the old woman.
"That's how granddaughters and great-granddaughters are. They pester you." You said getting under the covers.
Nana was really warm. Sleeping so close to her always brought memories of your mother.
"I guess...I don't have....to worry about you..anymore.." Nana muttered in the silence.
You smiled. "You always worry about me. Even though you deny it sometimes."
She chuckled, which came out as more of a choke than anything. Still, it was nice to know that she found it amusing.
"To be honest, I'm glad...you've found.... someone to love. I was worried that.... it might be hard for you." She said.
"You can tell?"
"Of course.....You are the exact opposite of Turia-sama, your mother was always so reserved with her....emotions." Nana explained. "After Ace died, you also regressed and....I worried that you....would suffer from the same fate that...she had."
You closed your eyes. "Yeah, I almost disregarded my mother's words back then, and I don't know how Rouge and I would have fared if Sabo hadn't found us."
"Ah...perhaps I haven't thanked him enough for helping you....and giving you....the chance to ....to create another song in your heart....adding a verse to the song in your soul..." Nana mused.
You shook your head and turned in the bed to face her in the darkness. "He would probably brush it off anyway. Trust me, he probably doesn't think much of it himself."
"That's true, Sabo-san is a good man, so I know....I can leave you in his hands, both you and Rouge." She smiled. ".....I've done my duty and.... I'm sure Turia-sama and Kairo-sama.... will be satisfied with how you turned out as well."
You snorted. "Mother, sure. But my older brother doesn't give a damn about me."
"Is...that so? Well, either way, you made the most....from your life and you survived, so....I can't really ask for more." Nana said.
You snaked your arm around her. "You're talking a lot today. Get some rest." You ordered.
"Yes, I think I will." She said, taking a deep breath.
In the silence of the night you could hear her breathing, struggling to do so as usual.
"You are...not going to...sing 'Sunshine' tonight?" Nana asked.
"Nope," You said snuggling closer to her. "I only do that because you always say depressing things whenever I sleep with you. But today you didn't. Besides, I don't wanna wake Rouge."
"I see... You...are a good mother, Y/N-sama." Nana whispered in the night. "I'm glad that you've finally found a real family."
You smiled and placed your headd on her chest. It meant a lot for you to hear that from her, the person who had raised you after your mother's death.
Holding on to Nana's warmth, you allowed the sound of her shallow breathing to lull you to sleep.
When you woke up, the entire room was quiet. You were sleeping so close together, but Nana felt cold, so you took the blanket covering both of you, and placed it on her completely.
As you reached out to cover her, the silence in the room turned eery, but you shook off the fear coming over you in that instant. You didn't know why she wasn't shivering, or why you could not feel any peaceful emotions coming from her.
Suddenly, when you touched Nana's hand, it felt unnaturally cold, too cold for a living person. You also couldn't feel the steady moving of her chest with would indicate that she was breathing.
"Nana, wake up..." You said in panic. "Nana?"
***