Welcome back!
I've miss you guys! I know, it hasn't been that long. That break I wanted never came, because, well, when the words are coming, best just go with it!
That being said, I'm still not QUITE done with the story. I think I have 3 chapters left. Plenty to share before you catch up to me.
If you haven't read the first or second book, I suggest it, otherwise you will be lost immediately.
Okay, that done, let me say this. There are a couple of the sexy scenes that are... different. Nothing too bad, just outside of what is considered normal. But, normal is different for different people, so... *shrugs* I will put a warning at the top of those two chapters, so you can go in with your hand over your eyes until you decide to skip it or not.
This book is very bittersweet for me. The characters are very much alive in my mind and I love them all so very much. If I post melancholy at the beginning of some chapters, please feel free to ignore me.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy!
Love,
Stephanie
P.S. Last thing, I swear. THIS IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING EDITED. I try to make sure it's not a complete train-wreck before I post, but, this is NOT the final copy. Once I make sure that I don't have to make any changed in book two, I will edit that one then this one.
<@ <@ <@ <@ <@ XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX @> @> @> @> @>
EDIT TO ADD: A WHOLE FRIGGING SCENE!!! How in the hell did I miss that???
~~~
"I don't give a shit what the prophecy says, Naiel. It's my body. When I'm ready to have a child, then I'll find a way. And I guarantee it won't be because of that piece of tree telling me to do it!" Eve argued for the thousandth time, knowing it wasn't going to help matters. In the five days since Cora had interrupted them, ironically stopping the act that might have produced the baby, she had yelled and screamed, thrown fit after fit and nothing seemed to phase Naiel. "Kornae sure as hell doesn't want to be a daddy. He hardly ever looks at me now, much less is alone with me. It takes two to tango and he ain't dancing. And I will not hook up with anyone else. Not for you, not for the court, not for anything."
Naiel closed his eyes and leaned his head back. "It doesn't have to be right now, Eve. But I feel like time is running out."
Eve frowned. She hated it when he brought up time, because there never seemed to be enough of it. Since she branded Fallon with that very mark, she could feel it as well. Sometimes the feeling of sand running through her hand was strong enough to make her look, certain she would see pale yellow and brown flecks sticking to her skin.
"That's not fair and you know it." She was proud of the way her voice stayed low when all she wanted to do was scream obscenities.
"I didn't write the blasted thing." Naiel opened his eyes and Eve almost jumped back at the look in his eyes. Did she go to far? "Do you think I wanted any of this for you? You are the daughter of one who gave everything to faerie. You have also given so much, including her, to this place. But it's not over and I feel... I know the worst is yet to come."
Eve knew it was childish, but she threw her hands over her ears. "I can't right now, Naiel. I can't hear it. I can't know about it." She turned her back, not letting him see a tear escape her suddenly wet eyes. "Can we heal first? I mean, fuck. We got the shit beat out of us less than two months ago, some of us damn near died," she flinched at the memory of Kornae coming so close to sacrificing himself.
Naiel wasn't one for touching. That was something she picked up on over her time there. Yet his fingers closed around her shoulders and he turned her. "Take as long as you need, Eve. What will happen will happen. Or it will wait." His eyes moved over her face. "It's so easy to forget that you were not brought up here. And I have done nothing but demand things from you." He smiled. "Heal. Rest. Come back to me when you are ready."
He let her go and she quickly brushed the tears off her face.
"Thank you."
He gave her a nod and she turned and left him looking at the scroll that ran her life.
~~~
Eve walked hallways aimlessly. Her vampires were asleep in rooms beneath the palace. Rooms that were created for them after she accepted the throne. It still boggled the mind to think that the palace was alive. But having seen it in action, there was no way to deny it. She had no idea where Kornae was. And that was fine. She wouldn't know what to say to him if she did see him. Things between them were... difficult and 'How about that weather' sounding lame to her own ears.
She wanted to curse Cora. They had just started to grow closer when she made her earth-shattering statement. Now, he was an ice-cube. Only speaking to her if she spoke first and anytime she mentioned anything remotely personal, those dark blue eyes froze over. The tension between them was thick enough to beat against, a solid invisible wall that kept him away from her.
Even though he still trained her in her magic abilities, he never once touched her. Yeah, there would be no baby from him.
She found herself staring at the statue of her mother and the determination of that life-like face shamed her. Naiel was right. She gave everything for the court. She gave her life and Eve couldn't be bothered to have a child.
Growing up, she used to fantasize about having a family. Of doing all the little things for her children that her mother did for her. Suffering endless sleepovers, cutting edges off sandwiches, tolerating Eve's outbursts as a young teen, the constant knowledge that she couldn't go home, because of Eve.
How was she supposed to raise a child when she didn't know who she was? How was she supposed to help her child through the angsty, angry teen years, when she was struggling through her adult years.
Ah, but that was human thinking, wasn't it.
There was that brief flare of anger at a hero of the Unseelie court. Her own hero.
She didn't lie when she told her mom she understood. She did. Got it completely. But what her actions did was give Eve a bad case of split personality. The Fae she was supposed to be versus the human she grew up thinking she was. The biggest battle was the one playing within her right now.
Yes, she felt the slipping of time. Yes, she wanted to complete the things Naiel needed her to do in order to finally be able to live her life. The innermost part of her wanted to help, wanted to bear a child that would help her home. A child that was part of her.
But her human heart and mind wailed at the thought of having a child out of duty and not love.
She moved to the opposite wall and leaned back between two other heroes of the Unseelie court. People that she didn't know, but would take the time to look up because they sheltered her while she fell apart. She slid to her bottom and pulled her knees to her chest, still watching her mother.
"Mom, I don't know what I'm doing here." Her voice was soft in the silence of the room. There was no one to bother, all of the figures surrounding the room having already passed on the wherever it was that souls went. But to yell, like she wanted, would be disrespectful. And her mother raised her better than that. "Naiel keeps telling me what to do, and I do it, but I can't with this. It's too much."
She dropped her head on her knees. Here she was, explaining to a dead person, that bringing life to the world was something she couldn't do.
Forcing herself to meet that face she knew as well as her own, she asked "Did you know that you were going to die? Did you know that you were going to leave me, in this place, and that they would make me queen? A queen that knows nothing of what she is supposed to be doing? A queen that can't do what is needed because it hurts her heart so fucking much?"
She knew the steps to grief. Had gone through them all when the man who raised her as his own left them. She remembered the crushing pain when her mom told her what happened, that the quick trip that he never returned from. The denial as she waited for days for him to come through the door and grab her in a bear hug and call her his baby girl. The grief that set in when she was finally convinced that it would never happen. The anger she felt at him for leaving in the storm that left the roads slick and for him taking that turn too fast. Finally, acceptance. The day she was able to go to his grave and lay lilies on his headstone.
She knew this was what was happening now. Knew it was natural, but the feeling of anger still shamed her.
As much as she hated herself for crying so damned much, she was surprised when they didn't come.
"Please, tell me what to do, Momma," she whispered. "I'm sorry for being mad. I don't mean it. Please help me."
She watched the unmoving figure for hours before her eyes closed.
~~~
"You're hard to find, Eve."
A voice pulled her from her dreams. A dream that didn't involve death, and magic, fighting, and loss. A dream of forever with those she loved.
She opened her eyes to see Kornae kneeling in front of her.
"I didn't want to be found," she said.
His deep dark blue eyes were expressionless as she pushed to her feet. Of course they would be. Cold and detached. But she remembered when they were as warm as velvet, right before he softly kissed her for the first time.
She didn't have the strength to deal with his barrier right now. She needed someone to hold her. To tell her it would be okay. That she wasn't a complete fuck-up. And that person wasn't him.
"Is that why you missed practice today?"
"I needed some time to myself, Kornae. That's all." She didn't know what he thought of her comment, but he took a step back. She sighed. "I didn't mean to skip, Kornae. I'm not avoiding you, I just needed..." She looked around. They were alone. He was never alone with her now. Aside from training. But that was professional. He came, did what he had planned, then left. No idle talk. Just... left. "Why are you here?"
"I was concerned for you." He tilted his head. "Perhaps I still am."
"Okay, you found me. But I have to go. Thank you." She couldn't stand there with him, with everything inside her wanting him to touch her again. Even in the smallest way. A brush of fingers would help ease the storm in her heart. A storm she tried so hard to keep hidden from him.
"Eve, are you alright?"
Damn him. Double damn him. She couldn't lie. What did he see in her eyes that made him ask that? She thought she had kept them as distant as his.
"No, I'm not. But, I will be, at some point. I just..." She didn't have to tell him that. "Goodbye, Kornae."
She made to step around him but as she passed him, a hand took hers and she froze.
"What do you need?" His voice was still cool as she looked up into his eyes.
Should she tell him? Or should she tell him to fuck off. That he couldn't help with what she needed. But the warmth of his flesh against hers was something she didn't want to give up. "I need to be emotional. I need to feel someone's arms around me, telling me that it's okay to be selfish sometimes." She took a deep breath. "I need to be held and you can't do that, can you?"
He was quiet, so quiet. "The others are still asleep."
She shook her head, giving up. Turning away, she pulled her hand from his, the pain in her chest a deep ache. She didn't love him. He wouldn't let her. But she was supposed to and her heart knew it. Taking a step, she heard the sound of a word that she now knew was a curse and he was in front of her and his arms circled her and she leaned against the warmth of his chest. The tears still wouldn't come, but that was fine.
He held her and his hands moved down her back, skin on skin down the deep back of her outfit. Her arms circled his waist and pulled him closer, so close.
His breath grazed her cheek, "When are you going to cry?"
Her laugh was soft. "I don't know."
And they stood there, his cheek moving softly over her hair and she listened to the sound of his heart. The feel of his fingers on her spine was comfortable and her heart shed tears of joy.
She lifted her head, simply to thank him for that moment when she froze at the look in his eyes. For just a moment, just before he blinked and it was gone, was a glimpse of a need so deep, it stole her breath. Without thinking, she rose up on her toes and her lips brushed his. There was that spark again and then she was against the wall, his body caging hers while his lips devoured hers. Her hands tangled in his hair, pulling his mouth closer and she tried to climb inside his kiss. A kiss that was setting her on fire.
His tongue stroked hers and she tightened her grip as her body shuddered. His hand sliding around her throat, thumb against her chin and her head fell back and away from his lips. Lips that he now trailed along the flesh of her jawline. A hand cupped a breast and she cut off the moan that started to break from her. One that escaped anyway as his fingers dipped beneath the fabric of her shirt and tugged, exposing her. He bent and ran his tongue over the sensitive flesh and she arched against the wall, pressing herself against his hot mouth. His teeth grazed the tight nipple and she whispered his name.
She wanted to touch him, needed his skin beneath her palms and she tried to pull his shirt up as his mouth made love to her breast. Finally, she could feel him. Feel the muscles flex in his shoulders as he groaned against her. Further down her hands traveled, stopping when she found ridges of scars down his back.
She blinked and found her hands over her head, pinned to the wall.
"Don't touch me." His voice was a growl and how did it all go so wrong?
"Kornae." The tears almost came then, as he stepped away from her, adjusting his clothing.
The cold was back in his eyes as he stood tall in front of her. "I cannot be your lover, Eve. I cannot have a child with you."
She fixed her shirt while watching him turn away. "I don't understand."
He glanced back. "Consider yourself lucky." He took a deep breath. "I'll find someone else to continue your training."
With those words, he left the room.
What just happened?
~~~
There was no way in hell she was going to let him do that, to her, to them.
"Come back, you asshole." She ran from the watchful eyes of the statues. Down the steps, she followed him across the small courtyard. "We're not through with this."
Didn't she have a decision in who trained her? She almost ran into him as he stopped abruptly.
"We are through with this." His voice was cold as his eyes. "I was a fool to think I could do it. That I could train you, that I could teach you. That I could see you everyday and keep my hands to myself. I can't. I see that now. So, I'll find someone else. Problem solved."
"The fuck it is!" Her hands shook as she balled them into fists. "I have a say in this, Kornae. And I refuse to let you go back to being the block of ice you've been this last month. We are attracted to each other. What's bad about that? I don't give a shit about scars, so if that's your hang up, let me put your mind at ease."
"What's bad about wanting you?" Kornae asked. "Everything. These hands," he held them up, "don't deserve to touch your skin, Eve. I can still see the blood on them. And we can't be together because I can't father a child when I killed its grandmother and tried to kill its mother."
"You didn't do those thing, you hard-headed man!" She stopped suddenly. "You only had a problem with wanting me when I touched your back. Had I not done that, would you have fucked me on the wall?"
He closed his eyes. Two could play at the no lying game. "Probably. But thank you for pulling me back to my senses."
"Those scars, the ones I would happily run my tongue over, you got them from..." She trailed off as the implications hit her.
"Stop, Eve. I'm begging you." Kornae shook his head. "You don't want that answer."
"Fae don't scar, Kornae." She let her eyes wander over the one that trailed down from his right eye.
"I'm living proof that you're wrong." He took a step to her and touched her cheek. He pulled away with her tear. "Stop wasting these on me." A last touch of her face, he turned and almost ran from her.
Rourke tortured him.
She knew that blood was probably involved in the twisting of Kornae's mind. But to have felt the reminder that he had to live with everyday. She gave herself a shake.
~~~
She found Cora in her bedroom.
After her timid knock on the door, she questioned her decision, but it was too late. The door opened and violet eyes widened. A hand pulled her inside and Eve found herself sitting on a chair, holding a cup of coffee, trying to get her trembling hands to stop so she could take a sip.
"Fae don't scar." Those were the first words out of her mouth.
"Very rarely." Cora pulled another chair up and sat looking at Eve's face.
"He is." Eve finally took a sip of the hot liquid. "Horribly." She didn't know that for a fact, as he pulled her away too soon, but chances were that it was more than just that one line across his back. "What could do it?" she asked as Cora's face lost the tiniest bit of color she had.
"Everyone can see the one on his face, but there are more?"
Eve nodded. "I felt them, some of them, on his back. He got mad and left, so, I don't know how many, but Cora, what could do it?"
"A God-slayer."
The same thing that took her mother from her.
She couldn't stop the shiver that ran down her spine. "I knew that they must have made him bleed a lot to lose control, but..."
Cora finished. "He has to see it.
"If Rourke wasn't dead, I would kill him myself." Eve's voice was low. "He... He won't let us happen, Cora. I'm not trying to create a life with him right now, but, he won't let us happen." She met Cora's eyes. "Why did you stop us?"
Cora sat back in her chair with a sad smile on her face. "Because I knew it would stop you. It's not fair to you, or him, for prophecy to force things on unknowing people. I didn't know the extent of his mental issues, though, I should have. I didn't know about the scars. But, even knowing now, I would have done the same thing. Yes, you need to have a baby, at some point. But I felt it fair for you and him to talk about it, maybe get to know each other first."
"He's going to find someone else to train me. He doesn't want to be around me. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't get pregnant if I begged." Eve took a deep breath.
"Give it time. I'm sure that hearing that you two are supposed to create a life was a massive shock to him. But what he needs right now is to realize that he is not his scars. They don't define him and he has done much to regain trust." Cora gave her a smile. "A lot of people were hurt by other's through him and not everyone was comfortable with him keeping the throne next to yours. You don't go outside the walls much, so there was no way for you to know about the anger of the people. After we released news of Naida's defeat at the both of your hands, most calmed down. But he has also been out in the streets, everyday, talking to people, expressing remorse. And they are accepting him once again."
"And I've been sitting on my ass, hiding behind the walls."
"You've been through a lot, Eve."
"Stop." She was a fake. A fraud. She knew it. Her king was doing his job and she was in here, crying about babies. "It's time I choose, isn't it. Be a terrified human or the Fae queen you all made me." She could feel the determination of her mother in her now and that was exactly what she needed. Her mother was a hero. And with her or not, Eve would be damned if she disappointed her. She was a queen now. It was time to act like it. "When does he usually go outside the walls?"
Cora smiled. "He's probably there now. He usually goes after your training, but things were different today."
"Fine. I'll meet him tomorrow. I'll inform the new trainer that I don't need his assistance, and then I will accompany him. Fuck him if he doesn't like it. This is what he wanted, this is what he gets."
Cora gave a laugh. "I'm so happy to see this, Eve. And the poor man won't know what hit him."
A tight smile. "That's the plan."
After a few more minutes, Eve left, Cora already making plans to take to the tailor. Eve held in a sigh, but there really was no help for it, was there?
But it didn't matter. She needed to have a serious conversation with her vampires.