Rey should have been reeling from her decision. She felt empty and broken, but the pain had lessened since she made her choice. Even in her desperation to hold onto their love, she knew she couldn't keep them both in a limbo of suffering. The truth was, and would always be, that she didn't want Kylo. If she honestly believed it was only his memories that he had lost, she would have fought to make new ones with him. But Rey remembered something Dev had said in one of the portals in the World Between Worlds.
No matter what your book says, Ben, to save a life would require a life. And even if it's possible, unless you have part of his soul inside you from blood, bond, or healing, you will restore him in body only. It would require a power beyond all of us.
Restore him in body only.
Maybe love wasn't enough. Maybe she brought back his body...but not Ben. Rey had forgotten Ben once, but she had still felt drawn to him for reasons she couldn't explain. Kylo didn't. This man was like her parents. He didn't trust her, he didn't want her, he would never love her. Not like Ben did. She couldn't hate him; he wasn't a bad person, but he would never be hers. She had tried to see him once for who he was. Then she let him go. She wasn't doing either of them favors by still holding on to a...
Ghost.
She had been grieving Ben since he closed his eyes on that shuttle, but the moment she got to know Kylo for the man he was was the moment that she was forced to accept that Ben was never coming back. The moment she got to know Kylo for who he was, she knew it was only fair to let him go. She would watch over him, ensuring that he was safe, and that would have to be enough. Seeing him alive, seeing him happy—it would be enough.
She expected to feel something, anything, with that initial realization, but the death of her hope was an oddly empty feeling. Admitting Ben would never come back shouldn't have ended the tears, but, for the first time in weeks, she felt nothing. It reminded her of the moment of peace when the dying accepted that their breaths were numbered.
Hope was a tricky emotion. It was quite like the sun, she decided, both the giver of life and the facilitator of death. Sometimes it was the only thing that kept people going when the path was at its bleakest, but at other times, it sustained suffering so that people were stuck in a purgatory where they couldn't move on. Every day she had stepped into that room filled with hope only for it to decay inside her into a dark hole of disappointment. Maybe she was just thankful that particular brand of suffering—stripping her of her identity as much as it was stripping him of his—had finally come to an end.
"Rey?" Rose said, knocking as she waited outside the blastdoor.
Rey did her best to smile before pressing her hand over the door control. Rose walked inside and immediately wrapped Rey in an embrace. "I did it," Rey whispered into her friend's shoulder. There was surprisingly no emotion in her voice. "I let him go."
Rose wrapped her tighter in the embrace. "I know. I'm so proud of you."
"I don't feel anything,' Rey admitted. "Is that wrong?"
"I don't think anything you feel is wrong," her friend said against her shoulder.
Rey was grateful Rose supported her as steadfastly as she had after Ben had died. It was different now. Part of it was easier because his heart still beat steadily in his chest. Most of it was far more complicated. She still grieved Ben, the love between them, and the future lost. Ben was still gone, only this time she had to see a walking imposter as a reminder of what she was missing. She knew there would come a time when she did feel something. It wasn't until Rose stepped back with glistening eyes that Rey realized the universe had taken her words as a challenge. Judging by the pained expression on her friend's face, the emptiness would fade sooner than anticipated.
"Rey, I have news for you," Rose said softly. Her voice was strained and heavy with emotion. Rey knew that she had worked up the nerve to say those words. Whatever it was, it wasn't good. Unease twisted in her gut. Her mind searched frantically for a reason, reminding her of everyone she cared for and what could have possibly befallen them. She remembered her friend had been working to fix Blue and feared the worst.
What if the damage was beyond repair? What if I killed him, too?
"Is it Blue?" she asked. There was an immediate relief when Rose shook her head, but then the unease turned into dread. The only other news she was awaiting was from the council concerned Ben's...Kylo's fate. "Is it about the council's decision?"
"Partly," Rose said carefully. "The good news is, because he is no longer considered a threat without his memories or the Force, his prison sentence will be time served."
Rey should have been relieved. He was safe. It was everything that she had wanted for him since the moment their hands touched on Acht-To. After she lost Ben, it only made sense to want it for Kylo. But if that was the only news, there wouldn't be sorrow brimming in her friend's eyes.
"And," Rey swallowed the fear rising in her throat, "the bad news?"
Rose slowly exhaled, delaying the inevitable, as Rey's heart pounded in her ears.
Just tell me!
Rose's arms tightened around Rey. "They couldn't let him walk away without punishment. They decided to exile him from the Alliance Systems."
Exile.
Rey knew that had been the best-case scenario for him. It was what they had all been hoping for. But why would that be bad news? He was safe on Bespin, wasn't he? Rey pulled away as her unease burst into terror. "Bespin isn't under Alliance jurisdiction, is it? Surely, they'll let him stay?" Even after letting him go, it hadn't crossed her mind that she would lose him permanently. Lando was the only person left that he knew. There was nothing out there for him. He couldn't leave; she wasn't ready. She'd never be ready. The look in Rose's eyes, however, told her everything she needed to know. "No, Rose, they can't take him away from me! We have to appeal! Or I'll go with him!"
"You let him go Re—"
"Not forever!" She felt the progress she had made slipping through her fingers. She had let him go, given him space, but this....
"Not away from me! I let him live his own life, unburdened by me! I can't let him leave without me!"
A tear spilled down Rose's cheek. She shook her head with a sympathetic pain in her eyes that Rey had only seen on the Falcon when Rey had considered whether or not to save Ben. She didn't want to look into her friend's eyes anymore. She wanted to walk away and pretend she hadn't seen the death of hope in them. Her heart balanced in limbo again, only this time she felt the foreboding in the Force.
The shadow of sorrow further clouded her friend's features. It was far worse than she imagined. "He's already...he's already gone, Rey."
"No." Though Rey denied it, she knew it was the truth. Hot tears bloomed at the corners of her eyes. Her lip quivered as she attempted to speak, but her words fell away with her hopes for the future. Rey clasped her hand over her mouth, shaking her head.
It can't be true. It can't be!
As if responding to her thoughts, Rose whispered, "He left on the Falcon a few minutes ago."
"No." Her head continued to shake back and forth, wildly, in an endless repetition. It was as if she could shake the words out of her mind, forget the path of despair that a few simple words had sentenced her to walk. Yes, sentenced. Kylo may have been sentenced to exile, but, by leaving, he had sentenced her as well. "No," she repeated, "he wouldn't leave without saying goodbye."
Wouldn't he? the darkness within her mocked. You're nothing to him.
Rey pushed past her friend out the blastdoor. There was the vague sound of her name being drowned out by the ringing in her ears, but she refused to turn around. She had told herself she wouldn't go back to that cell, but she had to see him. She had to prove that Rose was wrong.
The weight of her misery must have been heavy in the Force around her, affecting even the non-Force-sensitives. At the very least her agony must have been evident on her face, because every sentient in her path stayed clear of her. As Rey stormed down the center of the corridors, people pressed themselves against the walls. Her hands trembled as she entered the medbay, her sights set on the farthest room on the left.
Rey burst through the blastdoor, knowing what she would find, but her heart sank regardless. The room was empty save for a piece of paper on the cot—a handwritten note with Rey written on the front by a talented hand. She didn't want to read it, but her feet carried her to the cot. With trembling fingers, she opened it.
Rey,
By the time you see this, I will be gone. It might not seem like it now, but it's better this way. I have been sentenced to exile from the Core Worlds with monitoring through a tracking implant. My uncle Lando has offered me a job, freighting supplies and aid to the worlds in the Outer Rim in the chaos created by withdrawing from the First Order. After what I've done, it only makes sense to start there. I won't be alone; I'll have the droid by my side. The last few hours have been a rocky start, but I think we're becoming friends.
Thank you for letting me go. You did it to free me, but, in doing so, you freed yourself. You can have whatever life you want now. You saved the galaxy and me. I am alive, perhaps more than I ever was before; you don't have to worry about me anymore. I hope this gives you a chance to just be you. You can build a life in Bespin, or travel the galaxy and see everything you've ever wanted to see. You have your family, now you can find your new purpose. My only hope is that you will find the happiness you deserve.
I know I am leaving without saying goodbye. I guess I was never any good at them anyway. Lando says I inherited that from my father. I know you let me go, and I doubt you will ever want to see me again. If I am wrong, one year from today is my annual parole hearing. It's more than I deserve, but I hope you'll be there. Even if you only go with your new family to say goodbye, I will be waiting for you. I can only have hope that I'm doing the right thing. If you still believe that we have a cosmic connection in the Force, then trust in that. I know this will come as a surprise after our last conversation, but I trust in it, even if I can't feel it. It's all I can think about as I write this. If the Force wants our paths to cross again, then they will.
If these are the last words I will ever have the chance to say to you, then I want you to know this is the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, but I'm doing it for you. I hope one day you can understand that.
May the Force be with you, always.
"You coward!" Rey screamed in anger. The first tear to the paper was accidental in her fury, but as she stared at the tear separating the words "better this way," she snapped. She pulled the two halves until it was separated entirely. Then she tore it again...and again...and again. Her screams echoed through the room as she tore the letter to pieces. "This wasn't for me! If you cared about what I wanted, you wouldn't have left me!"
His platitudes and empty promises made her sick. He didn't care about her; he didn't remember her. She had let him go so she could love him from afar. She planned to watch over him, make sure he was all right. Seeing him every day, even if they never spoke, was better than nothing. She thought with time...maybe they could be friends. But he left her. She might never see him again.
The anger and fear and heartache built up inside her until she couldn't contain it. She screamed as the emotions exploded out into the Force like blasting an airlock in open space. The room was empty other than the cot, so the damage was minimal. A clinking against the wall caught her attention. Rey knelt next to the cot and manipulated the Force to guide the object to her hand. A box slid to her palm effortlessly. Stacked inside were several large bottles of liquid; two bottles were finished, and one was halfway gone. Eight others remained untouched. She turned one of the bottles over in her hands, running her fingers over the smooth, cool surface.
Fire-water.
Rey unscrewed the cap and sniffed it. She nearly gagged at the smell; her stomach rolled as she considered what it symbolized in her life. It was everything she hated. It was the reason she was alone for nineteen years. Yet, her friends at the Resistance had told her that they drank to forget. Rey wanted to forget. Rey wanted to forget him. Steeling herself with her eyes shut tight, she tipped the opening to her lips and swallowed the liquid that had brought immeasurable pain to her life.
Now it would be her only salvation.
She coughed as the alcohol burned her throat, spilling some of the fire-water onto the floor and fragments of paper she had shredded. The ink began to bleed like the wound he had cleaved into her soul. The weight of what she had done in her anger finally struck her. That paper was her last connection to him.
Rey delicately gathered each torn piece with trembling fingers as she drank away the tears.