A/N: I posted this update on April 1, but I have decided to revise some parts and add some of Lorelei's thoughts. If you have time, kindly re-read it.
LORELEI
"I want you to take down Augustus Moran. I want you take the black bishop off the board."
LUTHOR'S WORDS repeatedly rang in my ears. Parang na-LSS ako sa sinabi niya sa 'kin. Like a song that was on repeat in my head. It's not the way he said it or how his voice sounded when he said it. It's more on the weight of the task that he has given us.
Until now, wala pa rin akong idea kung ano ang pinaplano niya. He kept telling me that he's only waiting for the perfect opportunity. He's like a hunter in the woods, waiting silently behind a bush for his prey. Bago siya makagalaw, kailangan munang mawala ni Augustus sa landas niya. I wonder why?
Still I trust him and his words. I have no reason not to. But I was hoping he would reveal more. What exactly was he planning to do? Sino-sino ang kasama? Madadamay ba kami o mag-isa lang siyang gagalaw? I had so many questions in my mind.
Maybe he didn't tell me yet to keep everything on track. If he revealed his plan to me, baka madiskaril ang binabalak niya. Funny, this reminded me of those times na naglihim sa akin si Loki. Remember when he suspected Jamie all along? He kept me in the dark about his thoughts. He only told me noong nagkabukingan na. And that deeply wounded me.
Sariwa pa ang sugat sa akin, but I've been telling myself that maybe it's for the best. Maybe it was done with the purest of intentions. Kailangan kong i-convince ang sarili ko na "Oo, nasaktan ako pero 'di ko pwedeng kimkimin nang matagal ang sakit na 'yon." Wala rin kasing magbabago kung magdu-dwell ako sa nakaraan. Nangyari na, eh. Kailangan ko nang mag-focus sa kung ano ang problem sa kasalukuyan.
Magkapatid nga ang dalawang 'yan. But what else can I do except to trust them? I'd like to believe na may mas malalim na reason kung bakit hindi nila sine-share sa akin ang mga balak nila. Loki's excuse was to protect the bond that I built with Jamie. He was afraid that if I found out the truth, I might change how I interact with her. As for Luthor? I have no idea.
"Lori, okay ka lang?" tanong ni Alistair. Nakakunot ang kanyang noo at kanina pa siya pasulyap-sulyap sa akin. Magmula yata noong lumabas ako sa student council office, nakapinta na ang pagka-concern sa kanyang mukha. "Mukhang malalim ang iniisip mo, ah?"
Napabuntong-hininga ako. Masyado na sigurong obvious sa facial expressions ko. Ikaw ba naman ang bigyan ng ganitong task? I have no one to thank but Luthor for bugging me. "Medyo. Ang dami ko nang iniisip tapos may dumagdag pa."
"Tungkol ba 'to sa sinabi ni Luthor?" sunod niyang tanong. "Your mood changed as soon as you got out of the student council office. Did he something that upset or bothered you?"
Alistair's so sharp, he doesn't have to be a detective to figure out what might be troubling me. "Mukhang wala akong maitatago sa 'yo. Tama ka. He said something that's been bothering me since I left his office. Ang dami-dami na kasing nangyayari. Parang mag-i-information overload na ang utak ko."
Sandaling natahimik si Al, napatingin sa ilalim ang kanyang mga mata.
"It's been days since I woke up from a coma and I haven't been much of help in the team. Alam ko namang kailangan kong mag-catch up sa mga araw o linggo na nawala ko," he said, his eyes blinked as they gazed at me. "I don't know what burdens you have right now, but if there's anything that I can do to help you, I'm always here. You already know that."
"Hey, responsibilidad naming i-fill in ka sa mga na-miss mo." I patted his shoulder. In the first place, it wasn't his fault that he fell into a coma. Kung may dapat sisihin, walang iba kung 'di si Cedric Castillejos. But he's probably paying for his crimes in hell. "I sincerely appreciate na gusto mong makatulong sa kung anuman ang pinapasan ko. Maybe it's a cross that I have to bear. Alone."
"Is something else going on?" Alistair asked. "Something more serious?"
Ilang segundo ko rin siyang tinitigan. I don't know what to answer. Kilalang-kilala niya talaga ako. Well, being his childhood friend, he would have sensed already kung may mabigat akong dinadala o wala.
Napakagat ako ng labi. Meron na namang bumabagabag sa 'kin. Bakit ba kasi sunod-sunod ang kumakatok sa isip ko? Mabuti't nakakaya ko pang i-handle ang mga bagay-bagay.
Napabalikwas ako ng tingin at napaisip. I thought of saying something to him, but I needed to think about it again. Ayaw kong may simulan ako tapos bigla kong babawiin dahil na-realize kong mali.
Alistair has been my friend since we were little kids. He's the only person that I could fully trust. He's been there when I was down. He's been there when I almost got abused. If you're looking for the epitome of the word "friend," look no more. He's right here, standing beside me.
Parang nagi-guilty tuloy ako. Mula nang simula siya sa QED Club, he's become part of the quest to bring down M's organization. I can't help but feel that I'm betraying the trust that we have by keeping him in the dark about the matters that I know. Alam kong hindi lahat ng bagay ay dapat i-share sa mga kaibigan natin, kahit gaano pa tayo ka-close. We have to keep some things to ourselves.
At the same time, I made a promise to Luthor that I would never tell anyone about what I know about him. His connection to M. Especially to Loki. God, no. Hindi ko alam ang mangyayari kapag nalaman niya. It's a heavy burden that I must bear until all of this is over. And I hope that happens sooner than later.
I heaved a long sigh. I'm torn between two options. Keeping the secret to myself or sharing it with the person that I trust the most.
Napangisi tuloy ko. I got upset at Loki for not telling me what he knew about Jamie. He said he trusts me, but keeping me in the dark contradicted what he had said. Ngayon, ako naman ang nahaharap sa parehong dilemma. I know something, and the one closest to me wasn't aware about it.
Alam ko namang it wouldn't hurt Alistair kung hindi ko sasabihin sa kanya. But guilt was knocking on my conscience. He's starting to notice. He might ask questions soon. Ngayon pa nga lang, nagtatanong na siya. Mabuti nga't hindi niya nabanggit kina Loki at Jamie kanina na kaming dalawa lang ni Luthor ang nag-usap sa student council office. He was asked to stay outside during our meeting.
Muli akong bumuntong-hininga. Pang-ilan na ba 'to? Tatlo? Apat.
Come on, Lorelei! Think! Should I tell him or not?
Ipinikit ko muna ang aking mga mata bago ako humarap kay Alistair. Nang handa na ako, iminulat ko na ang aking mga mata. I looked at him straight in the eye.
"It's quite complicated," I told him. Sinubukan kong mag-maintain ng eye contact sa kanya. "May mga bagay akong alam na hindi ko basta-basta pwedeng i-share kahit kanino. Kahit sa 'yo. Maybe in the right time, I will."
I could have lied to him. Pwede kong sabihin sa kanya na hindi gano'n kaimportante ang bagay na bumabagabag sa akin. Knowing Alistair, he wouldn't press on asking what that thing was. He would understand, kahit na pakiramdam niya'y nagsisinungaling ako.
But I don't wanna lie to him. Of all people, sa kanya ko lang ayaw na magsinungaling. At the same time, I can't tell him what was bothering me. Ayaw kong sirain ang tiwalang ibinigay sa akin ni Luthor. Alistair may be my most trusted man, but I have to keep my word to the man who risked telling me his secret.
No one should know that he's one of them. It's the burden that Luthor and I must bear.
Naiisip ko tuloy, mas mabuti nang wala akong nalalaman. The less you know, the less burden you carry. My life would be easier that way. I don't have to worry myself in trying to pretend that I know nothing or hide someone else's secrets.
Sa ngayon kasi, naiipit ako. I felt like there were two giant boulders on both of my sides. My friendship with Alistair or Luthor's confidence in me? If I make the wrong move, I might get crushed in between.
I decided to make a compromise. I told Alistair na meron nga akong alam na seryosong bagay pero 'di ko pwedeng sabihin sa kanya. Hindi ako nagsinungaling. Hindi ko lang sinabi sa kanya kung ano exactly ang alam ko. And I believe that's way better than trying to convince him with a lie.
"Is it related to the Moriarty case?" sunod niyang tanong.
I slowly nodded. As long as I don't reveal too much, I would be fine. Kailangan ko lang maging maingat sa pagsagot sa kanya. Kailangan ko ring ipaintindi sa kanya kung bakit ko ginagawa 'to. "I wish I could tell you. I could, but I shouldn't. I hope you understand. Mahirap din para sa akin na—"
He gently pressed his finger on my lips, shushing me. He then flashed a smile. "You don't have to explain yourself, Lori. Naiintindihan ko ang posisyon mo."
Unti-unti akong ngumiti sa kanya.
"There must be a pretty good reason kung bakit hindi mo pwedeng sabihin sa akin," Alistair said. "Sabi mo nga, if only you could, you would have already told me. Don't worry, I won't press any further. You know how much I trust you. Kapag siguro oras na para i-reveal ang nalalaman mo, doon na lang ako makikinig."
"Thank you, Al," pakurap-kurap kong sabi sa kanya. Parang nabunutan na ako ng tinik sa lalamunan. "I really appreciate that."
"I bet you haven't told either Loki or Jamie as well?" he asked.
I nodded again. Hinding-hindi ko talaga pwedeng sabihin, lalo na kay Loki. I can't fully imagine how Loki would feel, but I guess he'd be furious and extremely disappointed. His brother shook hands with the person that plotted Rhea's death. The stain in Luthor's hand couldn't be easily washed away. I'm afraid that he might do something that I thought he isn't capable of doing.
Sana hindi humantong doon ang sitwasyon.
Natatawa tuloy ako sa isip ko. I'm doing the very thing that Loki did to me, which really upset me. I wonder how he would also react once he finds out that I've known Luthor's secret for quite some time? Would he be lashing at me for keeping it from him?
Kaya nga wala munang dapat makaalam. Kahit sinong nasa circle namin. It's the best move for now.
"I also can't tell them at this moment," sagot ko. "It's too risky. The truth may have to wait."
"What truth?"
My shoulders jerked upwards when I heard a voice behind me. Napahawak pa ako sa aking dibdib. My heart almost burst out of my chest! Sabay kaming tumingin ni Alistair sa likuran ko. Nakakahiya. Pakiramdam ko, namumuti na ang pagmumukha ko.
"What truth?" Margarette asked, her eyeglasses gleaming. Hawak niya ang isang folder na may tag na "Clark Clarion's Liquidation Reports." "Why is it too risky? Why does it have to wait? Why do you look so pale, Lorelei?"
"M-Maggie!" nauutal kong tawag sa kanya. Kalma lang, Lorelei. Hindi ka dapat mag-panic. "K-Kanina ka pa ba nandiyan? Kumusta ang lunch mo?"
I know that's a lame question, but I had to improvise. I had to divert her attention elsewhere.
"Kakarating ko lang. Sorry kung pinaghintay ko kayo," sagot niya. Should I feel relieved that it's her and not Loki who overheard us? Kahit paano'y nakahinga ako nang maluwag. "Ano ulit ang pinag-uusapan n'yong dalawa? Napaka-seryoso yata, ah? May 'too risky' pa kayong nabanggit."
I tried to change the topic, but she kept on bringing it back. "Ah! Wala 'yon! It's not that serious."
Inilapit ni Maggie ang mukha niya sa mukha ko. Her eyes squinted as they kept on staring at me. Parang sinusubukan niyang basahin ang nasa isip ko. Thank God she wasn't a mind reader. Instinctively, I reclined my head. Napahakbang din ako paurong.
"Is it about something that the execom should know?" she asked.
I darted a sidelong glance at Alistair. "Need back-up!" I mentally told him. Quick! Malapit na akong ma-corner dito.
"Don't worry about it, Maggie!" mabilis na sabi niya. "It has nothing to do with execom. Hindi n'yo rin kailangang problemahin pa."
Sunod na ibinato ni Maggie ang kanyang naghihinalang tingin kay Alistair. My childhood friend maintained a smile across his lips. Anything that is related to Moriarty is also a concern for the execom. But at this very moment, the execom doesn't have to know what I know.
"Talaga lang, ha?" may pang-iintrigang tanong ni Maggie. Hindi pa rin niya kinakalas ang kanyang tingin sa kaibigan ko. She must be trying to read whether Alistair was lying or not.
"Do you think na magsisinungaling ako sa 'yo?" tanong ni Alistair. Unlike me, he managed to keep his composure. Kahit gaano pa katalas ang tingin ni Maggie, hindi niya masasabing nagsisinungaling siya. He wasn't stuttering. His eyes kept contact with Maggie's. "And why would we hide something from you, our boss? We've been telling you everything we know."
Well, that's a lie. We haven't told Maggie and the execom that Jamie is working for M's organization. It's another secret that the four of us in the QED Club must keep among ourselves. Kapag nalaman ng ibang tao, baka maging mas komplikado ang lahat. As some would say, ignorance is bliss.
"Kung talagang wala kayong tinatago, ano ba 'tong katotohanan na pinag-uusapan n'yo?" tanong ni Maggie. She wouldn't just let it go, would she?
"Ah! Alistair and I were talking na hindi dapat namin banggitin kay Loki na tumataba na siya," palusot ko. Pasensya na, 'yon lang kasi ang unang pumasok sa isip ko. I hope that Maggie would buy it. "He may be laughing it off, but he's really sensitive about his weight. Kaya nasabi kong 'too risky' kasi magtatampo 'yon. But that's the truth kasi, 'di ba? Halata naman sa katawan niya at sa timbang. Maybe we'd tell him gently one day, kaya the truth has to wait."
Maggie stared at me for a few seconds, looking unamused. How could Alistair effortlessly convince her that whatever we're talking about shouldn't concern her?
Bumuntong-hininga siya't hindi pa rin ako nilulubayan ng tingin.
"You are not a good liar, Lorelei. Next time, try harder. Kung anuman 'yang pinag-uusapan n'yo, siguruhin n'yong 'di makakaapekto 'yan sa trabaho natin sa execom. I'm going to trust Alistair's words that your 'truth' has completely nothing to do with our committee. Siguraduhin n'yo lang na wala kayong itinatagong seryosong issue. Kung 'di, lagot kayong apat sa 'kin."
She got me. Unlike some people, I couldn't think of a convincing lie on the spot. I stutter. My eyes can't look straight. My fingers are fidgeting. My knees are shaking. Maybe the words "I'm lying" are also written across my face. Kung si Jamie siguro ang nandito, nagawa pa niyang kapani-paniwala. She's an actress after all. She could easily serve a platter of lies into a dish of convincing truths.
Nagpapasalamat ako't nandito si Alistair. He saved me from being grilled.
"Anyway, we still have a work to do," sabi ni Maggie sabay pakita sa amin ng hawak niyang folder. "Ready na ba kayo? O gusto n'yo pang magtsismisan diyan?"
"We're good," Alistair replied, turning to me. Napatango rin ako.
"Let's start our investigation into the Clarion's report," Maggie said, skipping down the steps. Sumunod kami ni Alistair sa kanya.
Maggie was on the lead kaya laging nagagawi ang tingin ko sa kanya. May bigla tuloy sumagi sa isip ko. Luthor said that the knowledge of his involvement in M's organization is a secret that only the two of us share. 'Di ko tuloy maiwasang maitanong sa sarili ko: Is Maggie unaware of it? As far as I know, Maggie is probably his most trusted person in Clark High. Did he also keep that information a secret from her? Like how I kept that secret from anyone close to me?
I bet he did. Moriarty had Maggie's bestfriend, Rhea, killed by one of his minions. Luthor may not be directly involved in the killing, but he already got his hands dirty by allying himself with Moriarty. Kahit ano pang intensyon niya, hindi basta-basta mabubura ang bahid na 'yon.
All this time, I've been worried about Loki's reaction once the truth is spilled. Nakalimutan kong may iba pang tao na malapit kay Luthor na posibleng maapektuhan ng katotohanan. How would Maggie react once she finds out that the man she's serving is one of them? Would she accept Luthor's reasons?
Maybe she would, gaya ng ginawa ko. Maybe she wouldn't.
It's really terrifying how one little secret can be so devastating once it's revealed.
q.e.d.