He could smell the sharp scent of ozone, almost stinging painfully. It sent him reeling backwards, a headache coming on as he glanced at the sky, a vast cloudy expanse of slate gray.
He always hated the rain.
Hueningkai stood under the shade of the bus stop, hands shaking. He tried to breathe in, panic flooding him when he couldn't.
His lungs weren't working, he couldn't move - he was paralyzed, just standing there and watching the dark clouds overhead come closer and closer.
The scent of iron was so, so strong. All he could see was red, blotches of magenta still sticking to his hands and his clothes.
His phone rang, snapping him out of his reverie with the piercing ring tone.
With trembling fingers, he managed to get the device out of his jacket pocket, staring at the caller ID, letting it ring till the person disconnected. He focused on the blood under his fingernails, the way the crimson dripped down his fingers, following web like patterns down his pale skin.
The phone rang again, and this time he answered the call.
"Hello?" Hueningkai winced when the person on the other line made a loud noise in reply.
"Where were you?" Park Jisung asked loudly. "Taehyun and I waited for you outside school for ages but you never showed up!"
Hueningkai let out a shaky breath. "Sorry," He mumbled. "I-I had work."
"Work."Jisung grumbled. "You've been ghosting us a lot lately, Kai, you don't respond to any of our texts, you rarely show up to anything. Did we do something wrong?"
His eyes widened, and he immediately shook his head, forgetting the other couldn't see him.
"No, you've been fine." He paused, his chest tightening. "I've just had -" He couldn't breathe, doubling over as tears blurred his vision, phone nearly slipping out of his grasp.
"Kai?" He could hear Jisung call his name worriedly on the other end.
On the other end, where life was normal for them.
"Kai!"
"Yeah, sorry. B-Bad connection." The lump in his throat was choking him, he couldn't speak. He clawed at his neck, fingernails scraping the skin and leaving remnants of the blood there.
"Are you okay?" Jisung asked, before cursing. "Of course you're not, where are you? I'll come there, wait-"
He let out a strangled laugh, making the other pause. "Kai?" Jisung asked tentatively, and Hueningkai felt sick when he heard the fear and concern overlap.
He didn't want one more person scared of him.
Not another.
Not another human who'd stare at him with lifeless eyes, the last emotion in glassy orbs being absolute terror as they bled to death on the floor, a bullet to their heart-
He crouched down, shoving his hand over his mouth as he tried to calm the erratic beating of his heart.
"I-I'm in Busan," He managed to get out. He could almost see Jisung's eyes widen comically, and he almost smiled. "In Busan? What are you doing in Busan? How did you even get there-"
"F-Family b-bus-siness." His teeth were chattering, and he was holding back the urge to throw up when the scent of blood blending with scent of ozone filled his nostrils. He had to focus in order to make sure he didn't bite his tongue off, panic rushing through him. His nerves were frazzled, and he was tired.
"I'll talk to you later, I'm fine," He held a breath in as he said those words, hoping the temporary halting of breathing would stop his shaking, but to no avail.
He missed the end call option twice before his finger pressed it, phone nearly clattering to the ground when his hand dropped to his side.
"I'm fine, I'm fine," He muttered breathlessly to himself, crouching down and putting his head in between his knees. I'm fine, I'm fine, an endless mantra on repeat in his head as he rocked himself back and forth.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine -
Murderer.
He was a murderer. He violently flinched at the voice at the back of his head, shoulders shaking.
"No," He cried, tears cascading down his cheeks. "I'm not."
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not a murderer, he was going to kill me, he was going to kill so many people-
The blood on his hands wasn't his. The knife in his pocket was stained red, so dark it was almost black, painting the inside of his grey jacket, dripping blood seeping through the fabric.
He was a murderer.
He let out a cry, eyes raised to heavens above as he screamed once again into emptiness - crouching at the edge of a part of the city he wasnt even familiar with, a desolate construction area behind him, the area closed off.
There was nobody around, he was alone.
He was all alone.
Always.
He didn't register his phone screen lighting up again as he pressed speed dial, pressing it shakily to his ear once again.
The ringing went on endlessly, each new wave of the dial tone making his heart spike erratically.
Please.
"Yes?"
"Seulgi." He sobbed into the phone, repeating her name again and again, until she cut him off swiftly. "What are you doing?" She asked, the blank tone of her voice acting like a slap to the face and he blinked, breathing catching his throat.
"I-I killed someone." The words tasted bitter, bile burning the back of his throat as he recalled the scene of the man lying on the floor, chest no longer rising up and down. "And?" She asked, and he could envision her lithe figure looming over him, narrowed eyes as she stared down at him with disapproval.
When did that become how he viewed her? When did she become like that?
"I-I needed someone to talk to." He said breathlessly, curling into himself, the ache in his chest spreading to his arms and legs.
"Don't be ridiculous, Hueningkai, this is just stupid." She snapped, and he shrunk away from the phone. "You're a part of the police force, killing a criminal or two shouldn't faze you in the least. Stop acting like a baby, grow up. You're not a child."
Frost crept up his veins, ice froze his lungs, and he bit the inside of his cheek so hard he could taste metal, immediately spitting it out as soon he registered the sensation of blood flowing over his tongue.
"I'll call Yeonjun to pick you up, I'm busy right now." She ended the call, and he stared at the gravel, phone still pressed to his ear.
In an instant, everything seemed to halt around him as he sat with parted lips on the pavement, the tears once again threatening to fall.
Where was the Seulgi who understood his fear of blood and death? Where was their leader, the one who with them every step of the way for every mission?
Where was the person he and Yerim adored, admired, looked up? Where was the older sister who bandaged Yeonjun's wounds while reprimanding him with no real heat, the dependable figure who Soobin could rely on for backup at all times?
When did she become so distant, going on more solo missions, never visiting them, never checking up on them?
Where was his Seulgi, the black haired girl he would've taken a bullet for in an instant?
Where was their Kang Seulgi?
A strangled gasp left his lips as the vision of the masked man came back to him, irrational hatred bubbling in his chest, thawing the ice, flames of fury licking and burning him from the inside.
The Min case stole Seulgi's sanity, didn't it? It ruined her for two years, she hid from everyone, even them. It was all their fault - criminals didn't just have to ruin the urban world, parasites that ate away at stability and order, but they had to ruin millions of lives with their antics as well, didn't they?
He hated them. He hated every single one of them, fists clenching so tightly his nails dug into the calloused skin of his palm, leaving crescent shaped indents. He wanted to kill them all, tear each and every one of them apart until they were utterly wrecked, no resemblance to what they used to look like -
He slumped back, all tension ebbing out of him as the strength left his limbs, back pressed against the cool steel seat behind him as the first drop of rain splashed against the ground.
He watched the drop splatter into a million droplets, leaving a wet mark on grey cement, and then glanced down to the pavement he sat on. Tears left similar splotches on the tarmac, and he made a soft choking noise.
He was disgusting.
He was covered in the blood of a duo of drug dealers, one of whom had gone crazy when him and the local police broke down the door of their little lab where they grew weed and marijuana.
He recalled the gun the man had twisted out of the squad captain's hand and attempted to shoot him with. Instinct drove him to leap forward and drive the pocket knife he carried around for emergencies straight into his back, hilt deep.
It reached his heart, he knew from the biology textbooks he and Taehyun spent time poring over for various tests.
He was covered in the blood of one criminal, was congratulated and thanked by the captain for helping them track down the duo, and despite the loss of one, they called it a successful mission.
But he hated killing.
He was the brains of the team, not the one who shot or stabbed or tortured, he was the one who sat back and made sure they didn't actually lose their heads when they went on group missions.
He had just wanted to make his father proud that his son would follow his footsteps - so why did it seem like he was regretting his decision now? This wasn't even the first person he had killed.
A ding on his phone made him look blearily at the screen, notifications for two new texts popping up. One from Yeonjun, saying he was on his way, making him feel an immense surge of gratitude for the older, and the other from Taehyun, reminding him of the test he had on Monday.
He let out a dry chuckle at the feeling of dread settling in his stomach.
Here he was, breaking down over killing a person, yet the mention of a test evoked the same fear that holding a knife did.
He didn't know how long he sat there for, nails digging into his palms hard enough to draw blood, wiping it over the stains on his hoodie.
It is my blood, he tried to convince himself. It's okay to be covered in your own blood.
The drizzle turned into a storm, rain crashing against the hard ground, the din deafening, blocking everything else.
He tentatively reached out, the clear drops that collected in his outstretched hand slipping through his fingers, falling as red crystals, faint crimson flowing down into the sewers alongside dirt and rain.
He retracted his hand as if it was fire he was touching instead of rain, bitter memories swelling at back of his mind, vivid images of the car that had crashed into theirs, his mother and father sitting still in the car, heads dropping forward as they slipped into unconsciousness. He remembered the silhouette of a man through hooded eyes, before he'd blacked out.
"Hyuka," A hand on his shoulder startled him making him turn fast and punch blindly, a fist which Yeonjun caught swiftly, crouching down to look at him, expression softening.
"What happened?" He asked, eyeing the blood on his palms, the stained shirt and the hilt of the knife that peeked out of his pocket. "Did your mission not go well?" He tensed up immediately, damp blue hair flying around and splashing water as he turned around. "Is there someone I need to fight? Is someone here?"
Hueningkai caught the hand that was creeping to the gun that was in his belt, shaking his head in a silent 'no'.
"It's stupid," He muttered, attempting to stand up, Yeonjun grasping his hand and lifting him. "I'm fine."
"It's not stupid, whatever it is." Yeonjun took his other hand, uncaring of the blood that smeared his own, frowning down at them. "Who told you it was stupid?"
"Seulgi." He whispered, hanging his head as shame burned him. Yeonjun leaned down slightly to catch his gaze, features hard. "Well, she's wrong." He said firmly. "What is it?"
Hueningkai looked at him, the corners of his mouth curving downwards, before he whispered brokenly, "I'm a horrible person."
He was pulled into a hug, burying his face onto Yeonjun's shirt, his screams and cries muffled as arms encircled him, the pattering of rain fading to the background as the sound of Yeonjun's soothing words and the feeling of his hand patting the back of his head enveloped him.
"I can't be a good cop, I can't kill," He sobbed, fisting handfuls of the older's shirt. "And I can't be a normal kid, Jisung and Taehyun wouldn't understand any of this, and-and Soobin doesn't get why I care so about being normal, and Seulgi isn't even with us anymore-" Another scream ripped through his throat.
He was violently shaking, and somewhere in the mess of tangled emotions, he felt sorry for Yeonjun. The older boy had a lot on his place, and he didn't have to deal with this, too.
Hueningkai was the most rational, level-headed out of them, right after Yeonjun. He wasn't emotional, he had to learn to keep calm in order to help his friends when they needed it. He'd lost one family, he couldn't afford to lose another.
But he couldn't stop his crying.
"They don't understand me, hell, I don't understand me," He whimpered, and Yeonjun's arms tightened around him to the point where it was suffocating, but he found comfort and warmth in the suffocation, shivering as cold winds whipped around the tangled mess of limbs they were.
"You remember why we chose the name Roulette, right?" Yeonjun asked softly, so softly Hueningkai had to strain his ears to hear him over the sobs racking his body. He weakly nodded, breathing harsh.
"This might be a game of life or death, but in the end," Yeonjun whispered, "It's all just a game. You're on our team, and we'll take care of you, even if it's just us four."
Hueningkai let out another sob, a mess of "thank you" and "I'm sorry"s'.
"Don't be sorry." Yeonjun said firmly, pulling away and wiping the tears on his face. "The mission was a success, right? Then you're okay. You're allowed to be human, Hyuka. It's better if you cry after you kill than laugh it off." He gave him a taut smile, eyes slanting downwards sadly as he cupped his face.
"The other two are worried." Hueningkai nodded tearfully at that, hands slipping into Yeonjun's. "Let's go home, you'll feel better."
Home.
He stared at Yeonjun, the oldest locking the car doors after he pressed the key into the ignition hole, twisting it to start the engine.
Home is where they are. He wiped his face weakly, hiccuping softly. He was so, so tired, but the tears wouldn't stop.
Yeonjun let him cry, let him sob, merely gesturing to the water bottle in the holder, turning up the heater.
A world where nothing was just innocence or a sin, everything different hues of gray, nothing truly ever black or white made for a truly confusing place to live in, especially if your job was to be the epitome of kindness and purity, to act good and lay judgment upon those who have darkness and evil through their veins.
But nothing was ever like that, he thought as he shakily took a sip of water.
In a world where he couldn't even understand his own mind and body, he still had his family for support.
And that was enough.
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Author's Note
Can't You See Me hits so hard, I love the new comeback so much, and also, Punch is coming out today, yay!!
Please don't be a silent reader, do vote and comment what you think about the story, it would really mean a lot.
Thank you to those who have been voting and reading, I appreciate you guys so much <3
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