"YES, SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED, BUT SHE DON'T WANT TO MARRY ME"
"Alright guys, before you go, Lewis has something to say and I want you to listen closely" Boden finishes up the meeting before inviting me up to have the floor.
"Thanks, Chief" I walk to the front.
Everyone listening intently, making this so much harder to say. Doesn't help that my eyes keep going to Kelly, knowing how much what I am about to say will hurt him.
"So I just want to say that Jesse and I have decided to move the wedding up because we just can't wait any longer" I start, "when is it?" Gabby asks. "Uhm after next shift" I answer, "and it's going to be a smaller ceremony" I continue, "and I would be so grateful if you guys can make it but if it's too last minute then I understand-"
"Nonsense" Brett interrupts, "we are going to be there" she states as a unison of agreement comes from the others.
"In our amazing purple bridesmaid dresses," Kidd winks as I send her a smile, trying to keep a strong face so they think that this is my decision as much as it is Jesse's.
"Thanks, guys," I say, "one more thing" I continue before pausing, wondering if I should say anything. I look over at Boden who gives me a comforting nod, already knowing what I plan to say, pushing me to tell the others.
"So Jesse and I have also decided that after the wedding-" I pause again, the words practically impossible to say. "We have decided" I start again, "to move back to Ohio" I force out through my gritted teeth.
"WHAT?!" They all exclaim in unison.
"What do you mean you're moving back to Ohio?" Otis questions, "we just thought that it was best for us" I try to appear convincing.
"So can I just clarify" Hermann chimes in, "you're leaving us?".
"No" I deny, "I am leaving Chicago but you guys will always be with me" I state. "You guys are so important to me, you made Chicago feel like home" I continue, "then why are you leaving?" Cruz huffs.
"Because Ohio is where I am going to start the next chapter of my life" I defend.
"Is there anything we can say to change your mind?" Kidd wonders, "no" I exhale, "I'm sorry but this is going to be my last shift," I tell them the bad news.
"Lewis, come on!" Mouch exclaims, "you are pulling our leg here" he comments.
"I trust that you will make her last shift memorable" Boden comes over, wrapping his arm around me to comfort me. "Lewis is always going to be a member of this family" he states, "but she has made a decision and as her family, we have to support it" he backs me up.
"But Chief-" Brett tries.
"AMBULANCE 61! SQUAD 3! FIRE INVESTIGATION!" The alarm goes, "5539 WEST LAKEWOOD AVENUE!" I have been saved by the bell.
"Thanks, Chief" he pats my back before letting me go.
"This is not over Lewis!" Hermann yells as I race out of the room.
"He's right, we are definitely talking about this when this call is done" Gabby comments and Brett nods before they rush to their ambo.
I didn't think it would be easy but it's not supposed to be this hard.
"Are you out of your mind Lewis?" Cruz remarks as we get into the rig and Tony drives off, "it's not a decision that I took lightly Cruz" I defend, "but I think it's what is best for me" I add.
"What about us huh?" Capp brings up, "we may not show it Lewis but you have become a big part of this house" Cruz comments, "what's going to happen when you leave?" He queries.
I take a deep breath, not wanting to break down on the way to a call.
"Alright, guys!" Kelly intervenes, "let's stop hounding her" he continues, "she made her choice, let her live with it" meaning a lot more than he says.
He knows that I made my choice and it wasn't him.
I look at him through the mirror, but he shakes his head, scoffing to himself before breaking eye contact and staring out the window.
The sooner I am out of here, the sooner I can forget him.
Jumping out of the rig, once we get to the call.
"What's going on?" Kelly asks the man who called us, "I was walking by, I heard a boom like something exploded" the witness explains. "It came from back there" he points us in the direction and we follow Kelly.
"Smell that?" Kelly questions, "there's nothing on the gas meter" Cruz replies, "let's get it turned off anyway" Kelly instructs as Cruz goes to turn the gas off. "Mask up!" He orders the rest of us and we all start to mask up.
"OPEN UP! FIRE DEPARTMENT!" Kelly bangs on the door but no one opens it.
"FIRE DEPARTMENT!" He bangs harder on the door, about to break it down just as someone opens the door.
"Woah" the guy in the house steps back, "woah! Hey man!" He adds as Kelly drops the crowbar. "How's it going?" He tries to act natural but the fire alarm in the background is telling a different story.
"You got something cooking in your apartment?" Kelly questions, not buying this guy's act, "uh just a problem with like the fridge" the guy stutters.
"But it's not a big deal-" he tries to lessen the situation but Kelly pushes past him and we follow inside. The room is filled with smoke and there is an exploded fridge in the kitchen which explains the bang sound.
"Not a problem huh?" Kelly remarks, "like I said it's nothing" the guy sticks by his story, "my fridge is on the fritz" he shrugs.
"Gas is off Lieutenant" Cruz comes through the radio and Capp stops the smoke alarm.
I notice different chemicals on his table and attract Kelly's attention, he reads the labels to understand what this guy is trying to do.
"Using butane to extract hash oil indoors?" It baffles me how smart he is sometimes, "you know how stupid that is," he remarks. "Hey man, I got a prescription" the guy defends, "it's all good" he shrugs, "no man it's not all good" Kelly disagrees.
"Butane evaporates, needs ventilation" he explains as he looks through the house.
"Hey man, where you going?" The guy follows him.
"I know I say you're dumb Capp" I comment, "but at least you're not this level dumb" I gesture to the room. "You're abandoning us, you don't get to talk to me" he retorts and follows Kelly.
"Hey, don't worry about him" Tony comforts me, "just going to miss you that's all" he reassures me. "Going to miss you guys too" I admit as we also follow them into the other room.
"SEVERIDE!" I hear Capp yell when we rush into the room.
Just in time to see Kelly pushing the guy down as the other fridge explodes.
Tony and I use our extinguishers to get rid of the fire as Kelly checks the victim.
I rush out of the house to get the c-collar and backboard from Gabby and Brett. Rushing back down before we strap the victim to the backboard and carry him out of the house and towards the stretcher.
Gabby and Brett get to work on the victim as we step back.
Looking up, I notice a burn on Severide's neck, there is no blistering just redness.
"Hey, you're hurt" I reach up to pull his collar down, "don't" he pulls away.
"I got this" Gabby intervenes, "let me take a quick look" he allows Gabby to take a look. "This guy was home cooking hash oil" he explains to Gabby, "knocked him unconscious in the blast" he adds.
"You okay?" Gabby asks after she finishes looking at the burn.
"Yeah I'm fine" he assures her before she goes back to the looking at the victim.
"What are you standing around for?" He notices me watching, "let's start to clear up!" He orders. I nod before following Tony back into the house to do our clear up before loading the rig back up.
I am about to jump in when I spot Kelly checking his burn in the side mirror, wincing as he stretches his neck to see just how much the redness covers.
"You sure you're okay?" I walk up behind him, "that looks like it stings" I comment, "don't worry about me, worry about your fiancé" he snaps before climbing into the rig.
The drive back to the firehouse is quiet, with no one making a sound or even looking at me. Usually, Capp would take this moment to make an inappropriate comment and then Cruz joins in which leads to our bickering and Kelly has to intervene.
But this time, it's silent and quick and they barely even acknowledge me.
"Lewis! You better get your ass over here!" Hermann demands as I walk in, "what are you thinking? You can't leave!" He states. "I know it's hard on me too" I admit, "but it's what I need right now" I avoid their eyes, knowing they will see right through me.
"So this is what you want Lewis?" Casey questions.
"Yes, very much so" I need to convince myself.
"Well then like Boden said, we will support you and wish you nothing but the best" he reassures me, "thank you" I pull him in for a quick hug.
"I support you Lewis" Hermann hugs me too, "just really going to miss you" he admits, "you? I am going to miss her the most" Kidd pushes him away so she can hug me.
"I think I am going to miss her the most" Otis interjects, also joining in on our hug.
"Guys, I am not dying!" I exclaim, "I will still call you and come and visit as much as I can" I assure them, "you promise?" Kidd questions.
"Of course" I nod, "and maybe you can come out to Ohio-" I continue.
"Yeah nobody's going to come out to Ohio" Mouch interrupts, I am going to miss his honest humour.
"Well I will" Kidd states, "thanks Stella" I hug her again.
"This feels weird" Hermann comments, "I feel like someone's cutting off my leg or something" he adds, "awww Hermann" I pull him in for another hug, squeezing him tightly.
"The house isn't going to be the same without you Liv" Otis frowns.
"I am going to miss you guys more than anything" I admit, "but we are going to have one last party at my wedding reception" I continue, "go out with a bang!" I announce.
"I am down for a party!" Hermann cheers, "it's an open bar though right?" I nod and he cheers again.
"How can you guys be happy at the fact that she is leaving!" Capp huffs, "we're not happy Capp but if this is what she wants then we have to support it" Kidd defends me. "But who am I going to tease?" He frowns, "oh Capp come here" I open my arms and he comes over reluctantly.
"You can always call me, insult me and then hang up" I suggest, "I just might do that" he nods, "I look forward to those calls" we pull away.
I notice Kelly walking to his office and I feel like this is the perfect opportunity to talk to him and air everything out.
"I will be right back" I go to follow, "you better because you are not leaving my side today" Kidd calls out.
Going over to the lockers, I grab the burn cream from my locker before going to his office, noticing him pulling on his shirt collar as it keeps disturbing him.
"You really should get that checked out" I walk in, "what do you want Lewis?" He turns away from me, "nothing really, just wanted to give you this" I place the tube of burn cream on his desk.
"Thanks" he mutters, expecting me to leave.
"I also wanted to talk to you," I say, "now is not the time" he doesn't pay me any mind. "I don't want to leave when things aren't cleared up between us" I admit, "what needs to be cleared up?" He looks at me.
"You picked Jesse, that's all I need to know" he shrugs.
"It's not that simple" I argue, "yes it is" he disagrees, "don't act like you care about me when you are marrying another man in a matter of days" he brings up.
"Kelly please don't act like this and let me explain" I plead, "the only thing I want you to say is that you're not marrying Jesse" he stands up. "Is that what you want to say to me?" He questions, "no" I mumble, "well then get out of my office candidate" he orders.
"Yes Lieutenant" I look at him one last time before leaving.
How can I leave when he hates me?
"Where is Olivia?" I hear Brett's voice, "she probably went to the lockers, should be back in a sec" Kidd answers.
"Over here" I walk into the living area.
"We are having a talk" Gabby and Brett push me into the laundry area.
"You're leaving Chicago?" Gabby questions, "forget Chicago, you're leaving us!" Brett chimes in. "Guys I will come to visit" I reassure them, "but Jesse and I need a place where it can just be us" I am more honest with them, "we don't have that in Chicago" I add.
"I want you to be happy I do" Gabby states, "but I also want you here" she adds, "and we know that's selfish but come on you're my girl" she starts to tear up.
"And I will be your girl even in Ohio" I assure her, "when you need me, I will be there for you" I pull her in for a hug but Brett crosses her arms, still pouting.
"Come on" I invite her in for a hug, "I am still mad" she adds, "you guys are my girls and no matter the distance" I reach out for Brett's hand. "Our friendship will stand the test of time" I assure them.
"Is this really what you want?" Brett asks.
"Yes," I lie again.
"Okay, then we will celebrate with you" she finally gives in and joins our group hug.
We are about to go back into the living area when I notice Kelly going into Casey's office.
"I will be right there, just need to make a call," I say to the girls as they walk away before I grab my phone and stand next to Casey's office, close enough to hear but not close enough to raise suspicion.
"What am I doing?" Kelly huffs.
"What?" Casey questions, "what's the purpose?" Kelly sounds really down and defeated. This can't be because of me. I can't have this much of an effect on him.
"Okay you're going to have to help me out here," Casey says.
"I told Olivia I loved her" Kelly admits.
"You what?!" Casey gasps.
"I told her I loved her and I basically begged for her not to marry Jesse" he explains, "and she turned me down" he sighs.
"Severide I am so so-" Casey starts.
"That's not even the worst part" he interrupts him, "this morning" he continues, "the girl that helped me try and forget about Olivia was in the bathroom" so he slept with someone?
"And the only name in my mind is Olivia" he admits, "I can't for the life of me remember this other girl's name" he adds, "I don't know whether it's Alice or Amy" Casey chuckles at the story.
"And so I slyly look in her purse and see if I can find her driver's license" he explains, "she caught you?" Casey laughs. "She thought I was ripping her off" Kelly chuckles, "so what was it? Alice or Amy?" Casey cheers him up.
"I don't know" Kelly laughs.
It feels good to hear him laugh.
"I'm serious man, what am I doing?" The laughter dies down.
"Uh, everything that everyone else wishes they could do" Casey tries to cheer him up but there is silence.
"You know what I felt today as I got blasted in the head by a fireball?" Kelly breaks the silence, "I was thinking that the person I want most by my side is leaving for Ohio and I may never see her again" his words shatter me.
Am I making a mistake?
"Sev, I am sorry about everything with Olivia," Casey says, "this can't be easy on you" he sympathises.
It's not easy on me either.
"How about we get away?" He suggests, "boys fishing trip somewhere warm" he adds, "beers, cigars and a boat" Casey tries to convince him.
"Get the hell out of Chicago and recharge our batteries" he offers, "yeah? Where are you thinking?" Kelly questions. "I don't know, Tampa, Miami, wherever" Casey lists, "anywhere but Ohio" he adds, "anywhere but Ohio" Kelly chuckles.
"Yeah, I could get behind this idea" Kelly accepts, I can hear a smile in his voice.
At least he has Casey to help him when I leave.
Who will I have?
I notice Gabby walking over so I make myself sparse before she can see me, walking back into the living area.
"Took you long enough" Brett comments.
"Yeah it was a long call" I sit down next to her, "wedding stuff?" She questions, "yeah Martha is having a nut about moving everything forward four months" I explain.
"Why did you decide to move the wedding forward anyway?" Hermann wonders.
"I mean the accident with Jess made us realise that tomorrow isn't always guaranteed" I make up an excuse, "fair enough" Brett agrees.
"How is Jess by the way? She doing well?" Mouch asks.
"Physiotherapy every week but other than that she is fine" I answer, "she is also my date to the wedding" Cruz cheers. "Wait? Jess is going?" Brett turns to me, "yeah we made up and she still isn't for it but she is going to support me anyway" I answer.
"As my date" Cruz repeats, "did I say she was my date? Because she is my date" He boasts.
"Cruz" he turns to me, "you better look after her when I am back in Ohio" I demand, "I will, she is in safe hands" he assures me.
I am glad she has Cruz, he is exactly what she needs. Someone who truly cares for her and accepts everything about her. He has been so patient with her, I'm happy she agreed to give them a go.
"Lewis, Jess called for you, said to call her back as soon as you can" Connie comes back, "will do, thanks Connie" I walk out of the living area.
Running into Casey and Gabby talking to a woman.
I go to walk past but something the woman says piques my interest.
"There's a fast track process if you want to adopt," the woman says, talking about Louie, the child they are fostering. "The one disclaimer I'll throw at you is the court will view you Gabby as a single mother" because they aren't married.
"Even though we are living together?" Gabby asks.
"Yes" the woman nods, I continue walking off to call Jess but I keep the conversation in the back of my mind.
"Hey, Jess," I say when she picks up.
"I just remembered that I wasn't there for the bridesmaid fitting so what dress do you want me to wear?" She questions, "I don't have purple but I have pink," she says.
"Well, it's a good thing that I am a great friend and know your measurements like the back of my hand" I calm her down, "look in your closet, behind your coats" I instruct.
"Okay, one second" I can hear ruffling and a bag unzipping, "really halterneck and plunging," she says into the phone, "you know I don't have the breasts to pull this off" she adds.
"I thought Jess pulled everything off," I remark.
"I'll make it work" she retorts.
"Speak to you later Jess" I chuckle.
"Bye babe" she hangs up.
I walk back out, running into the squad guys.
"Yo Lewis, one last game at the squad table" Cruz invites me, "you got it" I join them.
We start to play blackjack.
"Damn it!" Cruz throws his cards, "23" he sighs.
"19," Tony says, "I'm sticking" he adds.
"I got 26" Capp places his cards down.
"I got 22" I sigh and Tony cheers.
"Guess your luck has run out Lewis" Tony teases but I can't help but think it's true. I am supposed to be happier than ever but I feel nothing but pain. Maybe when I get back to Ohio, everything will be okay.
"Guess what I found earlier" Capp pulls out a Scrabble board, "you play Scrabble?" I question. "I'm smarter than I seem" he argues, "okay" I back down.
"You want to play Lieutenant?" Cruz calls Kelly over, "Nah I'm okay," he says when he sees me, "it's Lewis' last shift come on" Capp jumps in.
"Fine" Kelly gives in, sitting in his regular seat.
Capp starts as we go around, making words where we can.
Just so happened that the only word I can make is 'sorry'.
How fitting.
I place the letters down, looking over at Kelly as he reads the word but he doesn't react. I mentally sigh as I calculate my new score and pick new letters.
It goes around again.
Capp puts down 'Grabass' as the guys chuckle.
"That's not a word" Kelly states, "since when?" Capp argues, proud of his word. "If I had a nickel for every time my mom said 'Harold, stop all the grab ass'" he mimics. "Your first name is Harold?" I laugh, "what's wrong with Harold?" He glares at me.
"Try again" Cruz pushes his letters away.
"Come on Lewis back me up here" Capp states, "Jess was telling us that story about that guy and you called him a grab-ass" he states.
"No, I told the guy to not grab my ass" I explain.
"Oh" he catches on as Tony and Cruz lose it laughing.
"Help you Chief?" Boden walks over, "show me your neck" he orders. Realising Boden isn't playing, Kelly takes off the bandage. It looks much worse now, started to rise and blister.
"Why didn't you get that treated?" Boden questions.
My point exactly.
"Ambo was gone" he explains, "I put some burn cream Lewis gave me on it, it's fine" he shrugs.
"Yeah, but I gave you that before I knew your neck looked like that, you need to get that checked" I interject.
"I agree with Lewis, get to Med pronto" Boden orders, "Capp you're acting Lieutenant" he informs him. "Really you're making the guy whose word was 'grabass' acting Lieutenant?" Cruz questions as Boden chuckles and walks away.
"Thanks for nothing" Kelly mutters and walks off, "that needs to get checked Kelly and I am not going to apologise for looking out for your best interests" I follow him. "No see" he turns back around, "you don't get to do that anymore!" He snaps.
"Capp, as Lieutenant, how about you wash the rigs while I'm gone" he orders before glaring at me one last time and walking off.
"You heard him, Lewis, start washing the rig!" Capp orders, "if you think I am calling you Lieutenant, you are mistaken grabass" I roll my eyes before starting to move the rig outside, setting the hose up and starting to rinse it.
The guys coming to help me after they finish bullying Capp for his word choices.
*
The end of this shift comes much quicker than I hoped and I can't help but feel regret. I don't want this to be the last time I get to joke with Cruz or spray Capp with a hose for payback.
I take my time, walking through the firehouse, memories in every chair and every surface.
The squad table, where Kelly would reach over, discreetly pulling me towards him, hand resting on my thigh. All the card games, poker games and gossip sessions. Nothing but good memories at this table.
Walking through the living area, I remember all the laughs and stories that were made. It's the place they first met Jess and she was adopted into our firehouse family. All the spaghetti fights with Otis as he helped me prepare food for the house.
What about Olive and Shelley? What will come of them?
Walking through the bed chambers, all the times we girls would squeeze on one bed and have a gossip session, Mouch joining in with his own stories. When Gabby and I would walk through and I would have to pretend like I wasn't eavesdropping on Kelly's conversations.
Looking into Kelly's empty office.
All the times he would call me in so we could have a little privacy, where we could act freely and I got to know him more deeply.
The locker room is the hardest to forget.
The time where I kind of flashed Kelly, where I realised he didn't actually hate me, all the chats with the girls, even Chilli, where would we talk about everything. The locker room is a safe place, where nothing is off-limits.
I don't think I will find what I found in Chicago anywhere else.
But I brought this upon myself, so I will follow through.
"You good Lewis?" I turn around, surprised to see Hermann because I thought they had all left.
"Yeah," the tears in my eyes say different.
"Come here" he pulls me in for a hug as I break down crying, "I am really going to miss this place" I choke out, "we are going to miss you too," he tells me. "What if I am making a mistake Hermann?" I worry, "this could just be cold feet" he explains, "but if it's not, you will know," he tells me.
"But how will I know?" I ask as we pull away from the hug.
"When I got married" he starts, "when I was standing opposite Cindy at the end of the aisle" he continues, "I knew that there was no one I would want in her place" he adds.
"If you get to the end of the aisle and looking at Jesse doesn't wash away all your doubts then you'll know" he kisses the top of my head before leaving me alone.
Taking one last walk through the firehouse before I leave for good.
"Molly's tonight" Kidd catches up with me.
"Pardon?" I query.
"Well we are going to cheer to your last shift at Molly's tonight so you better be there," she tells me, "I will" I assure her before we go our separate ways.
*
"How's the blushing bride?" Jess asks when I step inside, "I'm alright" I answer, "why just alright?" Ryan questions. "Because today was my last shift" I explain, "oh yeah that" Jess rolls her eyes, "can't believe he is making you move back to Ohio" she huffs.
"He is not making me do anything" I defend, "I made my bed and now I have to lie in it" I shrug.
"Oh that sounds so romantic" Ryan mocks.
"Anyway, going to Molly's tonight, you guys coming?" I question.
"Can't have a date" Ryan replies, "with who?" Jess queries, "you will find out soon enough" he winks and heads upstairs.
"So how did they take the news that you are leaving?" Jess questions, "worse than me?" She adds. "I don't think anyone can take anything worse than you" I joke, "that's true" she agrees, "but they took it harder than I expected" I admit.
"That's good" Jess comments, "means that you matter to them" she points out the positive.
"All apart from Kelly who hates my guts," I remark, "can't blame the guy" Jess defends, "the love of his life is marrying someone else" she adds.
"I am not the love of his life" I argue.
"How do you know?" She questions.
I don't know but I can't be. He hasn't known me long enough to be the love of his life.
"Anyway, change of topic" I say, "you coming to Molly's?" I question.
"Yeah" she nods, "get to see Cruz" she adds.
"How is it going between you guys?" I ask, "good, our first date was good" she answers, "is good the best way to describe it though?" I point out. "It's weird" she admits, "I am not used to dating someone and not sleeping with them" she adds.
"Soon enough it will get to that point" I shrug, "yeah" she nods, "I guess" she shrugs.
"I am going to get ready, see you at 8" I tell Jess before going upstairs.
My room is fully packed up, my luggage for the honeymoon on one side and the stuff that needs to be shipped back to Ohio on the other half. Another room that I have to say goodbye to, memories of all the times Jess and Ryan would hold me while I cried.
But the sad memories are replaced by Kelly and I.
The way he threw me against the wall, so filled with desire. Our clothes scattered on the wall, the way the windows steamed up and his scent still drizzled all over my pillows, no matter how many times I put them in the wash.
Jesse is right, Chicago is not the place for us.
Finishing up some last-minute packing before getting ready for Molly's.
*
"You're not wearing the necklace" Jess notices, "what necklace?" I question as we walk to the cab. "The one Severide gave you" we get in, "I swear you wore that like every day practically" she adds.
"Yeah well, it's gone" I sigh.
"You threw it away?" She questions, "you could have given it to me or charity!" She exclaims.
"Jesse threw it away" I correct, "he saw it was from Kelly and freaked out" I exclaim. "Where did he throw it?" She asks, "we were on the bridge in Cassidy park and he threw it into the woods near the water" I answer.
"I went trying to find it but it was like looking for a needle in a haystack" I add.
"Is that why you were so muddy that night?" She questions as I nod.
"Which side was it?" She asks, "Uhm, the left side of the water" I answer, "but it doesn't matter because it's gone for good" I exhale. "Which is a good thing because maybe I can finally move on" I suggest, "yeah" Jess nods, thinking about something.
We get to Molly's.
"There's the woman of the hour!" Hermann cheers as we walk in.
"LEWIS! LEWIS! LEWIS!" they all start chanting and drumming on the bar.
"Awww, you guys!" I beam, "make it harder for me to leave why don't you?" I joke.
"That's the plan" Otis hands us beers.
"Well, I appreciate it you guys" I hold the beer up, "to the best firehouse and the best people ever, it really is my loss" I continue, "CHEERS!" I yell as they all cheers with me.
"You really are something Olivia Lewis" Hermann starts, "Chicago is losing a star" Mouch adds.
"TO OLIVE!" Otis yells as they cheers to that as well. My cheeks hurt from how much I am smiling right now.
"You know Lewis, one last cheers," Boden says, "We wish you nothing but love and happiness in your upcoming marriage" he adds as we cheers for one last time.
"Thanks, Chief" I point my drink towards him.
Going around, talking to everybody that I possibly can.
*
"Lewis, come over" Cruz calls me over to the table where Capp, Tony, Kelly and Jess are. Kelly once again ignored my presence. "Oh, my precious squad boys" I go and sit with them, "I don't know who you are going to get to do all the dirty work now" I gulp down the last of my beer.
"Oh, Cruz definitely" Capp states, "he was the candidate technically before you" he adds.
"What do you mean? I am a better firefighter than you" Cruz argues, arm wrapped gently around Jess who cuddles into his neck, laughing with us.
"Firefighters huh?" Two girls come over, "that's right" Capp smirks.
"You guys come here a lot?" One of them flirts.
"You answer and I will hurt you" Jess mutters to Cruz who keeps his head down, "yeah it's a firefighter bar" Tony answers. "You a firefighter too?" She grabs Kelly's beer and drinks it and I have to bite back a snarl.
"Yes, I am" Kelly nods.
"You want to get out of here with us?" She hits on him. I remain straight-faced, not wanting to show it affects me because I lost the right to be affected.
"Maybe another time" Kelly answers, shocking us all, "really?" The girls are surprised to be rejected.
No one is more surprised than me.
"You sure?" She questions, not wanting to be turned down. "All good, have a nice night" he declines again as the girl goes to try again.
"You heard the man now bye-bye" Jess waves them off.
"What was that Severide?" Cruz questions, "not my type" he shrugs, looking at me out of the corner of his eye while I stare at my beer.
*
"Okay, wake up it's your wedding day" Jess shakes me awake, "I get excited thinking that my best friend is getting married and then I remember it's to Jesse" she continues, "and then I am no longer excited" she adds.
"Great way to wake me up, thanks Jess," I remark.
"Come on, get ready, we have six hours until it's time for you to walk down the aisle" she informs me before leaving me, allowing me to get dressed.
I lay back in bed, burying my face into the pillow, breathing in Kelly's scent and all I want is him here beside me. I don't know if I can do this.
Forcing myself out of bed, I start to get dressed before going downstairs for breakfast.
"Cinnamon rolls?" I question as Jess lays them out, "I thought it would be a nice gesture" she shrugs, "it's very thoughtful of you" I hug her tightly.
"You sure you still want to do this because I can get us fake passports in 2 hours" she jokes as we pull away, "I still want to do this" why am I having to convince myself?
I thought I would be bursting with excitement.
This is my wedding day for Godsake.
"Okay well let's do this then" she exhales, "we have nails in half an hour and massages afterwards," she tells me. "Then meeting Martha at the venue to get ready" she adds, "sounds great" I nod.
We finish our breakfast before going to get our nails done and massages, though the massages do very little to relax me.
With four hours to go, we get to the wedding venue.
Looking around, the white and purple decorations like I asked for. I have to thank Martha for making this all happen, she really performed a miracle.
I can't let all this go to waste, not after all the hard work that was put into it.
"Oh thank God" Martha walks over to us, "this way" she leads us to where we are getting ready. She places the dresses on the hook before popping the bottle of champagne, pouring Jess and I a glass.
"Stylists will be here in 15 minutes so you just relax and not worry about anything" Martha assures me before rushing off to make sure everything is in place.
"Well, this is it" Jess sips on her champagne, "the wedding you have waited your life for." It doesn't feel like it, not sunken in yet that I am leaving this venue Mrs Harraway.
The stylists come in to do our hair and makeup.
"I know you aren't starting without me" mom walks in, "mom" I jump out of my seat and into her arms, "there is my beautiful daughter" she pinches my cheeks which annoys the makeup artist.
"Sorry" Mother apologises as I sit back down in the chair.
"You know every time I look at you, I see my baby" she tears up, "but you're not my baby, you are your own woman and I couldn't be more proud" she kisses my temple.
"Sorry" she apologises to the makeup artist one more time.
"When you married dad, how did you feel?" I want to distract myself, "oh I was ecstatic!" She exclaims, "couldn't have felt more in love" she adds. "In fact, I shouldn't tell you this" she pours herself a glass of champagne, "but we snuck off before the wedding and had sex in the bathroom because we couldn't keep our hands off each other" she recalls.
"Mrs L!" Jess laughs while I cringe at the thought.
"I mean that is how you must be feeling now" she comments.
It's not how I am feeling - Jesse hasn't even crossed my mind, only Kelly.
"Yeah, I totally know how you feel" I lie.
"Did I ever tell you that my parents hated your father?" This gives me hope, "did they?" I question. "Yeah because he was agnostic at the time," she tells me, "but I loved him and I didn't care" she continues, "married him and never regretted it" she sips the champagne.
"Which is why I am okay with you and Jesse," she tells me, "if you love him as much as you say you do" she continues, "you have my full support" she assures me but it doesn't make me any happier.
"Thank you mom" I reach my hand out as she holds it tightly, placing a soft kiss on the back.
The stylists finish Jess' hair and makeup.
"Get in your dress!" I instruct as they finish up with my hair, "I want to see how you look" I add. "Okay okay," she takes the dress bag into the bathroom before coming out. The silk material hugging her frame as her curls sit so perfectly on her shoulders.
"You look beautiful!" I cheer, "and you said you didn't have the boobs for it" I comment.
"Wow Jess, I have never seen you look so elegant" mom mentions, "I will take that as a compliment" Jess smiles at her reflection.
"I want to see you in your dress" she turns back to me.
The stylists finish with my hair and makeup.
It's my turn to put on the dress.
Holding the fabric in my hands, electricity doesn't run through me the same way it did when I held the old dress. The material scratches and irritates my skin as I slip it on, the zipper tugging at my skin as I pull the dress around to get some comfort.
Staring at myself in the mirror, quickly wiping the tear that falls, I can't cry not because if they see me crying, they will never let me down the aisle.
"You ready yet?" Jess calls from outside the door, "you need help getting it on?" She offers. "No, it's okay" I exhale, wanting to keep calm and fake happiness before walking out.
"Oh, sweetheart!" Mom and Jess gasp, "you look absolutely stunning" Jess smiles, "Jesse is never going to know what hit him" mom adds.
"Can you zip me up?" I turn to face the mirror, picking apart my reflection.
"Of course" Jess rushes over and zips me up, "you look so gorgeous" she wraps her arms around me. I don't feel gorgeous, the reflection staring back at me is smiling but I am not happy.
"Can I come in?" Henry knocks on the door, looking smart in his ring bearer suit. "Yes, we are decent" I invite him in. "Jess you look gorgeous" he opens his eyes, "like the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on" he continues.
"It's not like I am standing here in a wedding dress or anything" I point out, "I guess you look alright" he shrugs.
"Thanks, Henry" I laugh.
"I just need your ring for Jesse," he says, "oh yeah" I look through my purse before handing it to him.
"You excited that your sister is getting married?" Mom asks, "not really" he shrugs. "Henry!" I warn, "I'm sorry but I don't know why you are marrying Jesse anyway" he admits, "it's yet another mistake" he adds.
"Henry!" Mom warns him this time, "you are not ruining your sister's wedding day so go make yourself useful" she orders as he leaves.
"Sorry we are late but the shift-" we turn to see Kidd, Gabby and Brett rushing in with their dresses.
"Oh you look beautiful, so so beautiful" Gabby pauses when they take in my appearance, "absolutely breathtaking, I can't take my eyes off you" Kidd adds, "you look stunning, damn I wish I was marrying you" Brett chimes in.
"Thanks, guys" I walk over and bring them in for a hug. I need comfort or I will cry and ruin this makeup.
"We are so sorry, we got here as soon as we could" they apologise, "don't worry about it, we have an hour so let's get you guys ready" the stylists come over and start working on them.
*
"Okay let's say a prayer," Mom says once everyone is ready.
She leads us through the prayer while we join hands, wishing Jesse and me a happy and God-willing marriage. But too many thoughts are going through my mind to even concentrate.
"And there is the beautiful bride!" Martha walks in, "Jesse is in place, only waiting on you," she tells me.
"Let's do this" I inhale sharply, watching the girls walk out first to the sound of the wedding march that echoes throughout the venue, hurting my ears.
Mom and I wait for our turn to walk down the aisle.
No turning back now.
"You still want to do this?" Mom whispers and my insides scream no, "yes" I force a smile, pushing past my clenched throat.
Martha signals that it's time for me to walk forward.
"Here we go" mom exhales as we interlink arms and she leads me down the aisle, everyone stands up when they see me walking down the aisle. Looking through the crowd, relieved to see the smiling faces of my 51 family.
All apart from the one I want most but it is best he is not here.
Facing forward, smiling when I see Ryan and Jess smiling brightly at me. I know they don't agree with this but it means the world to me that they are here.
Jesse is the last person I look at.
His smile widens when he sees me walking down the aisle, I can see happiness in his eyes and I wonder if he notices it is missing in mine.
"Good luck sweetheart" mom kisses my temple when we reach the end of the aisle.
It's all up to me now.
Jesse offers his hand to help me up the rest of the way. Still holding on as we stand opposite each other and my worries don't fade away.
"We are joined here today to-" the pastor's voice drowns out, my heartbeat thumping in my head as my pulse rises is all I can hear.
Looking into Jesse's eyes, I try to remember all the times we spent together in those 8 years and every reason why I should still love him. Trying to get enough strength to say those two simple words.
As he stands here before me, the only thing I can think of is that he is not Kelly.
His mouth begins to move.
Oh no! He already asked the question.
"I do" Jesse's voice pulls me out of my mind.
"Olivia Honour Lewis, do you take Jesse Harraway, to be your lawfully wedded husband" the pastor starts, "to love and hold, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?" I am not ready for this.
Honour? Do I have any honour?
I made a promise to marry him so I should go through with it, that would be honourable to do.
"I uh-" my mouth is dry, "I uhm-"I try again, looking through the crowd to give me the strength I need to get these words out.
Looking over at Hermann, he nods his head, realising what I am thinking.
"I have been dreaming of my wedding day for as long as I can remember" Jesse raises his eyebrows, confused as to why I don't just answer. "And a very wise man told me that when I reach the end of the aisle and look at the person who is opposite me, I will just know" I recall Herman's words, "and he was right, I do know."
"I know it's not you that I love" a weight is lifted off my shoulders, "I am so sorry but I don't" lifting up my dress, I break out into a sprint down the aisle, leaving my heels behind.
"Olivia!" Jesse chases after me.
I try to close the door before he can follow me in but he pushes through.
"Olivia! What the hell!?" He bursts, "I am sorry Jesse but I can't marry you" I stand my ground.
"I gave you an out before Olivia!" He exclaims, "you didn't give me an out, you pushed me into a corner!" I fire back.
"If this is about Ohio then fine we can stay in Chicago" he really doesn't understand.
"It's not about Ohio," I tell him, "it's about the fact that I am in love with someone else" I admit, "I thought I could push it away but I can't" I add. "Come on, Olivia, you know it is me that you belong with, you just think you love your Lieutenant but you don't" he tries to convince me otherwise.
"You do not tell me what I feel" I defend, "you are messing up the greatest thing that has ever happened to you, no one will offer you the life that I am promising you" he keeps trying. "I don't want a life with you" I admit.
"So why say you would marry me again?" He wonders.
"Because you came at a time when I was vulnerable and you were my safety, something predictable and I needed that because I was scared of the unknown" I answer, "but I am not scared anymore, I am tired of living in the past, I want a future and I know it is not with you" I wipe away my tears.
"I am your happiness Olivia, I always have been and I always will be" he argues, "not this time" I stand firm. "Olivia, just give this a chance" he pleads, "we could work out, have children, have a family, do you not want that?" He pushes.
"Of course, I want a family, but not with you" I step back when he steps forward, "will he give you a family? Will he commit to you the way I have?" He plays with my worries over a potential relationship with Kelly.
"It doesn't matter, this is not about him, it's about the fact that I don't love you Jesse" I state and he starts pacing. I brace myself for what is to come while he mumbles to himself.
"Please don't make me do this" he sighs, "do what?" I question, "I want you in my life Olivia and I told you that I would do anything to win you back" he reminds me. "Even if means telling everyone about Jerry Lou if you do not marry me."
"You can't be serious" I scoff, "blackmailing me into marrying you?!" I exclaim.
"I will do whatever it takes to make you mine" I can't believe this, "you can tell them whatever you want because I am not marrying you" I do not back down. "You know if I talk, you will go to prison - do not make me do this, just marry me" he insists.
"I choose prison over being your wife" this offends him, "okay, I don't want to do this but you have left me no choice" he goes to leave. Ready to expose the secret that I have been hiding for so long.
My heart is in my throat.
"You tell them about Jerry Lou" I call out, "I will tell them about the Larson Grove fire" he turns around confused. "What?" He questions, "you burned down that house, didn't you?" I accuse him but his expression reveals that it is true.
Kelly was right, he did set the fire.
"How could you do such a thing, Jesse? You set a house on fire!" I argue, "I didn't mean for it to get that crazy, my proportions were off" he defends, getting in my face. "Someone died in that fire, if I tell the police, you go down for murder" I warn.
"So do you" he counters.
"I am not a murderer" I point out, "but people are dead because of you" I can't argue against that.
"We both have a lot to lose" he recognises, "mutual destruction, look where we ended up" I huff. "You really don't want to marry me?" He looks down, "I don't" I affirm as we fall into silence and he is the first to break the silence.
"I won't tell anyone about Jerry Lou" he swears. When will Jerry Lou stop being used against me?
"I won't tell anyone about the fire" I swear as well, "thank you" he appreciates and we fall into another silence. "We had a good run, didn't we?" He brings up, "I did love you, Jesse, I loved you more than anything but it wasn't meant to be" I state.
- "I will always love you, Olivia, always" he kisses my cheek and walks away, out of the venue. I have a feeling we will never meet again.
"Olivia, is everything okay?" Mother rushes in to embrace me, "where is Jesse?" She looks around. "Gone, he's gone," I tell her, "and you are okay?" She worries, "I'm fine, we spoke about it and we both understood that it was never going to work" I put on a brave face.
My emotions have been through hell.
"Good, that's really good you figured it out now, we all saw you were not happy and I cannot have my daughter not be happy" she hugs me, "would you like me to make the announcement?" She offers.
"I'll handle it" we head back to the ceremony room where everyone is eagerly waiting for an explanation.
"Hey, can I have everyone's attention" I exhale as I stand in front of everyone, the whispers come to a stop as they all face forward. "Jesse and I have decided not to get married, thank you for attending and I am sorry for wasting your time" I apologise.
All of Jesse's guests leave immediately but my firehouse 51 family stay seated, watching me with the biggest smiles on their faces.
"You and Jesse are really finished?" Jess questions, holding her breath.
"Yes," I nod.
"Thank the Lord!" She and Ryan exclaim at the same time, "we were waiting for you to finally come to your senses!" She stands up and hugs me. "I was about to tackle you if you actually said I do" Ryan comments, "wait? You thought I wouldn't go through it?" I question.
"None of us did" Mouch chimes in, "we all know that Jesse isn't where your heart lies" he adds. "We just thought it was going to take you a few months in Ohio to figure it out" Kidd jumps in, "glad you realised it before you got to Ohio" Brett jokes.
"Well thank you guys for riding this roller coaster with me" I chuckle.
"Hey wedding or no wedding, that was really entertaining" Cindy comments.
"Oh, there is going to be a wedding" I smirk, "listen I am flattered but when I said I wish I was the one marrying you, I was just being polite" Brett jokes, "oh damn! What a shame" I laugh.
"But seriously, I am not getting a refund on this and Martha put so much effort into this place" I gesture to the room. "It would be a shame if no one got married" I take my bouquet from Jess and hold it out for Gabby who takes it reluctantly, confused by what I mean.
"Now I don't want to step on your toes Alderman" I turn to Casey who seems as though he is expecting it, "so you better take over" I step back, taking Louie from him as he walks over to Gabby.
I remembered their conversation, if they have any chance of adopting Louis, they need to be married.
"Gabriela Dawson, I love you more than anything and I would be honoured if you would spend the rest of your life with me and marry me" Casey gets down on one knee, already having a ring. "Yes absolutely, of course," Gabby nods as they jump into each other's arms.
"You see that Louie" I bounce him on my hip, "your parents are getting married" Gabby and Casey come over to Louie, showering him with kisses.
"We having a wedding?" The pastor asks.
Gabby and Casey look at each other before nodding.
"We are having a wedding!" They announce as we cheer even louder for them. Gabby thanks me as she takes Louie from me and they walk to the stand in front of the pastor. I go and sit down between Ryan and Jess, holding their hands.
"You don't need Jesse when you got Jess" Jess whispers in my ear as we cuddle together, watching the ceremony in front of us.
That is what real love is, you can see it in their eyes and feel it in their words, they mean every vow that they swear to each other.
"I now pronounce you husband and wife"
"WHOOOOOO!" We rise up, cheering and clapping for them, rushing to bring them into an embrace.
"There is still a reception with an open bar ready to happen next door if you guys want?" I offer, "yes please!" Mouch nods. "Thank you Liv" Gabby gives me another hug, "this means everything" she adds.
"You guys belong together, it's the least I could do" we pull apart.
"You gave us this gift, now I will give you a gift" Casey comes over, "Apartment 23, 1438, Westford Avenue," he tells me and it takes a while for it to register that he is telling me an address. It takes even longer for me to understand that it's Kelly's new address.
"What are you still doing here? Go!" Jess yells, "okay" I go to run but I realise I don't have shoes. "I need shoes" I comment, "I always come prepared" Ryan pulls out a pair of trainers from behind his chair.
"You really know me so well" I put them on.
"GO!" Gabby and Casey yell.
Before I can process anything else, I am running down the aisle again, my legs moving instinctively. I don't even know where I am running but I know I will find where I need to go.
*
Completely out of breath, I bang against his door, wanting nothing more than to see his face. He opens the door, very confused.
"Olivi-" I cut him off by launching myself at him, pulling his lips onto mine, deepening the kiss as I run my fingers down his back, wrapping around his waist. It has been too long since I have felt this bliss, his lips are what I have been craving.
It takes him a second but he kisses me back.
"I couldn't do it" I exhale when we pull apart, "you're the one that I love Kelly Severide" I go to kiss him again but he moves back.
"What's wrong?" I question, still trying to catch my breath from my run over here.
"Olivia, I can't" he rejects me, "what?" I don't think I am hearing correctly, "didn't you hear me say I love you too, Kelly" I repeat.
"I heard" he states, "I also heard when I said it to you before and you told me you were still marrying Jesse" he brings up. "Do you know how it felt to tell you I love you and you tell me you are still marrying another man? I don't use those words a lot" He admits.
"Kelly I made a mistake and I'm sorry" I interject, "but I was overwhelmed, it wasn't until I was at the end of the aisle, looking at him, that I wished it was you. Kelly, you are who I want to be with more than anything" I lay all my feelings on the line.
"Well, I'm glad you realised that" he replies, closing his heart off from me.
"I don't understand what's going on here" I point out, "don't you want to be with me?" My heart shatters.
"Of course I do" he admits, "but when I asked you to choose me" he continues, "I didn't mean later, I meant then and there" he adds.
"But I'm here now!" I exclaim "baring my heart and soul to tell you that I want to be with you" I hope he can hear how much I need him in my voice.
"I'm sorry but it's too late."