"Pull the ladder down."
"It looks rusty," I replied, narrowing my eyes at the thing. Austin laughed, reaching out to take my hips from behind.
"Baby," he whispered tauntingly.
"I'm not a baby."
After the whole wedding ordeal the week before, I didn't quite feel so bad about it. My family came home to tell me that the beach was pretty, and they'd taken pictures for me. The ceremony really wasn't that great, and the reception was okay. In my head, I knew they were lying so that I wouldn't be upset. It was probably really pretty. But if I had know earlier what would've happened, I wouldn't've been so upset. I wasn't really expecting all the sweet aftermath, but that wasn't something to complain about.
Not being a virgin anymore was, physically, no different. In my head, though, I was someone else. No idea why, though. But it was kinda strange for me to admit to myself that I've had sex before. That's something that grownups do, not me. In reality, I knew it was no big deal. Still, though, I thought about it a lot. Kinda giggling a little. Blushing. Not in a lot of belief that, yeah, I've done that before. I cursed myself for being such a child, but I couldn't help it. Austin was the best damn thing that ever happened to me.
But we were so close now.
Standing outside the old barn down my street, looking at the silo, he held me from behind. Laughing the beautiful laugh where his whole body shudders with it. Tickling me a little. I snickered, slapping his hands away, only for him to grab me back and pull me into his chest.
"C'mon kitty, do it," he laughed, kissing my neck.
"Why don't you do it?" I shot back. There was a decrepit old pull-down ladder on the silo wall. Austin and I had wandered out there only an hour before, and he desperately wanted to climb it, to see what was up there.
"Because I'm Austin and I don't wanna do it."
"Ugh." Pushing him off me and earning a few chuckles, I grabbed the ladder and pulled it down. Austin's flashlight explored it; our only source of light on the cloudy night. A terrible squeak ensued, practically shattering my eardrums. He dropped the flashlight to cover his ears. I did the same, watching the old thing slide down and praying to god no neighbors would hear. We really should've been somewhere further from my house, but I'd always been so curious about this place. It was near a hundred years old, and I passed it everyday going to school, and had never once been inside. All the doors were locked. There was a main barn, made of old grey wood and black shackles. The thing looked like the wind would blow it apart any moment. Then, off to the side were some more old barn like buildings, all of which slanted near 30 degrees to the left. I made sure to not touch those ones. In the back was a field, and beside the big barn was a silo. With a ladder.
Austin went straight for the ladder as soon as it touched ground.
"You're gonna fall and die," I said.
"Would you resurrect me?" he called, getting his feet up the rungs very, very slowly. I watched him scale it, admiring the view of his ass as he steadily picked up each leg to go higher.
"Yeah, with my wizardy powers."
"You're so cute," he sighed. As the fifth rung was touched, it snapped beneath his foot. My heat jumped, and, on instinct, I moved to catch him.
"Austin!"
"It's fine," he said, "it was just one bar."
"Baby, come back down! You're gonna fall and hurt yourself," I said, fear seeping into my voice. He ignored me and kept going.
I sat down in the grass, watching him climb. After a while, it was too far for us to talk, or else we'd have been shouting. Sitting in the dark beside the barn was scary to me. Drowned in a sea of shadows, my eyes kept playing tricks on me. Everywhere I looked, my stomach lurched. So, intently, I focused the flashlight on Austin, slowly getting smaller with the distance increase. Every so often, he'd wave down at me. I frowned. I didn't like this. Why did he have to be so damn into it? Anything that he didn't know. Any adventure.
"Alan!" he yelled down. "Get up here!"
I wasn't sure what to do. But, sitting in the wet grass and thinking, I supposed he was a lot heavier than me. If he'd made it up, so could I. Plus, I trusted him. That was strange. Trust. It almost made me feel stupid, like I'd listen to anything he said. But if I could put my body in his hands and trust him, I could put my life in his hands.
Not that any of this was life or death. Just a rusty old ladder on a silo. It wasn't even that far up.
Trying to be courageous, I gripped the first bar with my foot, hoisting myself up. With a little difficulty, I tucked the flashlight into my back pocket for safe keeping and started scaling the ladder. Avoiding the one broken rung, I looked up into the night sky and I climbed. The moon cast light through a cloud, blurry and silvery yellow. It's incandescence was almost enchanting, as I found it hard to pull my eyes from the beautiful sight. My love waited ahead; squinting, even though, I couldn't see him. Where was he? Sucking my breath in, I held tight to the ladder and reached around back, grabbing the flashlight. Haphazardly swinging it upwards, the light shined, and, to my great confusion, he was gone.
"Austin!" I called, palms sweating. "Austin!"
His head poked out of a door ten feet above me, adjacent to the ladder, that I had not seen. Scaring the crap out of me.
"Jesus!" I cursed.
"Get up here you big baby."
"I'm gonna kick your ass!" I growled playfully, hightailing it up there with new found motivation. I must've been 40 feet in the air, but lacked heart to look down. I'd learned at this point during our adventures that looking back was never a good option.
As I approached the place, I looked inside the silo. It was some kind of loft; a sturdy floor with bales of hay.
"Is it safe?" I asked, shining my light inside. Austin was sitting up against one of the bales.
"Yeah. Put that away." Sighing, I switched it off and shakily climbed into the little door, his hands gripping mine and pulling me through. Tumbling into Austin's lap, he laughed at me, gorgeous bell tones ringing out into the night. I looked up at him in happiness, warmth filling my gut. Light shone down on us; curiously, I looked up. The roof of the silo above us was dilapidated, thatched and rethatched, but still covered in large, gaping holes. The moonlight trickled in through them, gracing our skin with its silver touch.
The tiny freckles on his skin seemed to compliment the shimmers in his deep brown eyes. My breath was nearly taken away. Still resting on his thigh, my eyes flicked to his lips. With the force of a kitten, I leaned in, brushing my mouth against his. Our hands slowly found their way together, fingers interlacing as tongues went wandering. It was hard believe that looking at him still made my stomach flip so hard. My hand released one of his, only to wander up his hip gently. For a moment, his soft, wet lips parted from mine. Hot breath danced on my skin as he spoke.
"I'm not going to do you in here. The loft floorboards would break."
Sighing for the ruined romance, I moved away and sat beside him, leaning on the hay bale. His chuckle rang out against the wooden walls. A small part of me was worried for the stability of the silo. Another was worried for how close we were to the house. I knew it was dangerous to leave his car parked in the driveway at night; if, for any reason anyone came outside, they'd see it. Of course, at first they wouldn't think of me. But once they saw I was missing from bed, that'd be the end of it.
Relaying all my nerves to him was useless sometimes, as bad as that sounds. As soon as all my words were out, he'd just soothe me, kiss me soft, make all the problems go away. And so we walked here, leaving his old black car to wait back at my house. Our ferry to the other world, I'd mused in my head. The more lovely, light hearted world of adventure.
His foot rubbed up against mine, and I slumped next to him, leaning into his side. Our heads both tilted back to look at the sky through the roof. Twinkling stars tenaciously broke through a light, misty cloud barrier, white and small. Though I knew, none were small.
"It's kinda weird how big stars actually are," I mumbled, scrutinizing the night sky.
"They're- like- bigger than the earth."
"Do you believe in aliens?" I asked.
"Yeah," he said, running a hand through his hair, flicking it back into place. "Like- it would be ridiculous not to."
"Do you think they come to earth?" I asked.
"What, like the X-Files?" he snickered, nudged me with his elbow.
"Yeah," I laughed, ignoring his condescending tone. "Do you think they really abduct people and probe them?"
"I feel like," he said slowly, "it's a bunch of bull puckey."
"A bunch of what?"
"Right, you're too Yankee for that. A bunch of bullshit."
"What about Nina and Zack?" I said. "They believe. The truth is out there, Austin."
"I'm breaking up with you."
"Not if I break up with you first."
He scoffed amusedly. "Do it."
"Fine," I shrugged, "we're done. Take me home."
In the silence, we sat there, cracking up and pushing each other away jokingly. Our laughter animated the silo, giving its drab grey walls some life. He took my face in his hands, snickering and puckering his lips dramatically. Whining, I pushed his lips away, laughing hard until my stomach hurt.
"Ew," I said mockingly, struggling to push him. He smiled, and kept on until my hands faltered and let him in for a kiss. His mouth was gentle without even trying. Bird calls echoed in the distance, sending chills down my back.
"Hey," he whispered, grinning into my neck an nuzzling his face close.
"Hi."
"Hey, Alan," he mumbled, "lets go get married at a drive thru in Las Vegas."
"Ew. Shut up."
"Come on," he groaned, pulling my body into his lap. My eyes veered out the holes on the walls and shutters, blue black sky filling my sight. Clouds tinted like a bruise on the atmosphere. His hands were slightly sweaty, grasping at my own, holding my body into his.
"No," I replied.
"Why not?"
"I'm gonna marry someone else." I smirked. He smirked even more.
"I'm going to make love to you so many times that you'll never be able to wash the smell of me from your skin. No one else is going to marry you when they know that you belong to me."
For a moment, I sat there in his arms. Breathing. Our voices lost their touch on the world for a time then, and he leaned back against the hay. I laid upon his chest, watching our feet splayed carelessly upon the floorboards. His front was warm. The air was warm.
Our skin
was warm.
"Can I wear your Nirvana shirt at the wedding?"
"Sure. I'd love to marry you in that."
"Okay."
He kissed the side of my neck softly, hands securing around my chest in a lazy, comfortable fashion. It was nice, the way Austin touched me. Like we had already been so close before that physically boundaries didn't quite intervene. I mean, of course I needed space sometimes. But we were so chill that I really didn't mind him handling me wherever he pleased. I liked it, in fact. Getting married was far in a the future, much too far away to think about, but it was sweet to daydream. How young we seemed. How naïve.
"What time is it?" he whispered after quite a little while, voice quiet and placid. I shrugged.
"Your mom o'clock."
"I hate you."
I yawned gently, snuggling into his chest. My toes curled.
"Do not fall asleep here, Alan."
"Why not?" I argued.
"Ugh. I'm taking you home," he sighed.
"What if I wanna stay here?"
"God, you're annoying," he laughed, brushing my hips.
"What if I want you to screw me on the silo floor?"
He was quiet.
"Austin, come on, do me."
I was messing with him just to be an asshole, but a little bead of sweat fell down his forehead. The sound of gulping resounded from his throat. Lip biting. Deep breaths.
"Okay, we're going home now," he said, laughing kinda strangled-like.
"Wow, it's really easy for me to seduce you," I remarked, watching him crawl away, hitch his bottom half out the little door, and begin to climb down. I followed, smirking the whole way. Austin wasn't as domineering as I had originally thought.
"Yeah, I guess so," he mumbled beneath me, predictably staring up at my ass as we deescalated the rusty old silo. I loved the feeling of his eyes on me. I don't know if I'd ever let that out into the atmosphere to be dissected by my lover, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.
"Take me back to bed," I said in a low voice, trying not to snicker. It was fun and games to me. For a while, we just climbed down, him ignoring my words. My hands kinda hurt from gripping the bars, and as soon as we got to the bottom, I wiped them off on my shorts, now sweaty and rust covered. It left an light orange stain on the sides of my pants. Looking up, I found his eyes on me.
"Hi," I purred, putting my hands on his chest and making a cute little smile. He clicked his tongue at me, eyes rolling.
"Little tease."
"Am not," I argued, and he reached down and grabbed my ass. I squeaked, jumping a little, but he only wrapped the other arm around my waist and held me tight.
"This?" he whispered. "This is mine." The left hand slithered down and cupped my other cheek, giving it a squeeze for good measure. "All of this belongs to me." He grabbed my hips, leaned in close, breathing down my neck. "These are mine, too."
I was putty in his hands, going limp and watching with big eyes. Completely and uttered whipped. Austin kissed the side of my neck, a warm pulsing heartbeat resounding through me. Soft, wet tongue sliding up my skin. He kissed up to my lips, and then took the bottom one between his teeth, nibbling oh so gently.
"You," he whispered into my mouth, still biting, "are all mine."
It was official. I was never going to try and initiate ever again, because I could be cute and teasing all I wanted. Austin was older, cuter, bigger, and had me wrapped around his finger. Shakily, I closed my eyes and tilted my chin up and reached wet, gentle lips to his. He grinned, wrapping arms all the way around the small of my back and kissing me with playful love. Our mouths and tongues danced together, smiles growing. How intimate it felt. How my heart beat so damn quickly, never slowing. How shaky and excited we were, to hold and touch each other, to be young and in love.
He separated from me, eyes fluttering and chest heaving.
"I'm sorry I grabbed your ass without asking."
"It's okay," I smiled, "I liked it."
"Knew ya would." He laughed at me. "Submissive."
"Am not." I elbowed him, following as he led us back to the street. We began the 10 minute walk home elbowing each other and then with a little more ass grabbing. Austin was right. I supposed then that I was a little submissive.
"When I get a ring on you, we're totally moving into my parents old house."
"Why?" I asked him, grinning a little at the thought of anyone actually wanting to spend the rest of their life with me.
"They're moving to Florida as soon as I graduate. They hate this state," he chuckled. "But yeah, I love my house. I love the cracked patio. I love the pond in the woods. I want our kids to grow up there."
My eyes went incredibly wide.
"Our kids?" I nearly choked. He clamped his lips shut.
"I mean- hypothetically. If we were to adopt kids."
"Oh my god," I groaned, covering my face in embarrassment.
"What?" he demanded. "I want kids." He shrugged, like it was no big deal to just toss that out there. My cheeks were too red for this. It's not like I hadn't thought about forever with him, but I'd never quite considered exactly what the future would hold. I wanted kids as well, but, damn, I was only near 16. It was hard to think about. Then again, imagining Austin playing with our children in the backyard, cooking dinner on Sundays, sleeping in late on the weekends to have them jump up into bed with us and beg us to come make special breakfast... It all made my throat feel like collapsing. I loved the idea. I loved every inch of it.
"I want kids, too," I said after bit of thought, sliding my hand into his. He smiled good-naturedly, giving it a squeeze and pulling me down the street.
"Perfect."
"But when we get your house?" I began.
"Yeah?"
"We're not sleeping in your parents' old bedroom."
"Deal," Austin agreed. "I," he began, taking a pause after. "I am going to make love to you every night when we get married."
"Ew." He wrapped an arm around my waist as we came closer to my house. The moon lit our path, shedding silver atop our heads, and on his car, still parked on the curb.
"Don't pretend like you haven't been thinking about it," he whispered, kissing on my neck. "My mind hasn't left the subject. All I think about is the way you looked under me."
"Is it your personal goal in life to make me embarrassed?" I countered, giggling a little bit.
"Kinda."
I sighed. "Carry me."
"Don't your legs work?" he replied with the sass. I didn't enjoy the sass. I stopped in front of him, wrapping my arms around his neck and looked him in the eye.
"I'm gonna hop up now," I informed. "Carry me."
"Only because you asked nicely," he grumbled, grabbing ahold of my thighs and carrying me like a child. My head nestled into his neck, and I inhaled the smell that I'd come so accustomed to love with all my heart. Leather, cologne, and just the smallest bit of summer-induced sweat. We didn't care how sweaty it got, as long as our hands still fit together.
The more I thought about sex, the more I wanted him to come in with me. I mean- I was two floors away from the rest of my house. Would they really hear if I just brought him in to spend the rest of the night? Austin could leave early in the morning, at like 8 or 9. It was a Sunday, and everyone would be sleeping until near 11. I didn't wanna let go of him for some reason that night. All I wanted was to have him in my arms as we fell asleep. Our adventure had been small yet fun, but I hadn't had my fill of Austin. I hadn't wanted anything more than to feel close to him in that moment. Plus, the idea of him making quiet love to me in a dark room at 3 AM put unimaginable butterflies in my stomach. To see him over me, shaky grin, hands gripping mine tightly, breathing ragged, little mumbles falling between us; the whole thing made me clench my legs and arms around him harder, trying to savor our time. But, the question popped out before I could stop it.
"Hey," I mumbled into his ear as he carried me down the driveway. "Do you wanna come inside tonight?"
"What?" He was obviously shocked.
"No one will be awake until 11 tomorrow. I'll just sneak you out early. And if they do get up, you can probably crawl out of the little window in my room," I suggested. He scoffed.
"No way. Someone will hear us."
"No they won't," I argued. "I wanna... take you back to my bed," I mumbled. His back stiffened, and I believe I heard a little inhale, or possibly a laugh.
"Are you trying to seduce me?"
"Come to bed with me," I whispered. "Come on. Just for a few hours. I want it."
"Oh, so if you want it, then we should just immediately do it?" he asked teasingly, and I shrugged in a sleepy way.
"Please?"
"It's a damn cryin' shame that I can't say no to you," he muttered, holding my body closer to him and pushing the garage door open. Sidling through with me clung to him like a little koala on a tree, he nudged it closed. There was victory in my heart, and I hummed amusedly, pressing butterfly kisses to his neck as he carried me towards the door. I was so excited to sleep in bed with him again. It was my favorite thing, waking up in his arms, gentle morning light kisses, raspy voices, and clothes strewn about the floor. I still got butterflies thinking about those three days we spent at his house.
"Hop down," he said, slipping his shoes off in the dark of the garage. My feet touched the floor and I let go of his neck, pulling my own Chucks off and setting them beside his. Interlacing our fingers, I grinned and tugged him into the house, seeing him grin back and follow, eyes glued to me.
When I turned the doorknob, though, something was wrong. Light spilled from inside as we entered, and, in one moment, all the good things in my mind turned to shit. We stood, frozen at the door, staring down my parents and Michael. They sat at the kitchen table in their pajamas, anger written all over their expressions.
Ice ran through my veins, and I released his hand immediately, a thousand excuses running through my mind. Sweat brimmed from every pore in my body. My throat ran dry. Oh god. Oh, my god, no. This is it. Shit, shit, shit, it's over.
"Get in here," my father hissed, his eyes narrowed more on Austin than me. I felt like I was going to vomit all over the floor and then pass out. Without thinking, I closed the door, my feet taking me closer to them. Looking over at Austin, I found, to my horror, that he was near tears. I had no idea why, though. He would hardly get into as much trouble as I would.
For some reason, for all the fear and anxiety in me, my body kinda went numb. My eyes glazed over, and, expressionless, I looked back at them. Michael was the most angry, his eyebrows dark and lips trembling. My mother looked confused, her head tilted to the side. My father looked annoyed and pissed off, a foil to his usual passive state. Austin reached over shakily to hold my hand, and then dropped it back to his side in a moment.
"Alan," my mom said, her eyebrows furrowed. "Where were you? What are you doing?"
There were no words to describe the betrayal in her voice. My mother. She trusted me. My gut sank, and, legs quivering, I opened my mouth to speak. Nothing came out. There was a feeling inside me that had overpassed the numb. Like- like I knew there was a fire somewhere, burning things down, yet I could do nothing about it.
"We heard you leave," my dad began, anger in his voice. "I know what you've been doing. I know all of it. Did you honestly think you'd get away with all this bullshit?" he asked, slowly getting louder and more pissed off. I stared with big eyes, breathing shallowly. It was like there was nothing I could think to say. Michael watched Austin, all kinds of anger and hatred running across his face.
I was suddenly guilty. Looking at these people who trusted and loved me, even though they couldn't show it sometimes. My lips trembled. All I wanted was to turn and run back outside, taking Austin with me and never look back into their eyes. I knew it was dramatic, but it felt like my world was falling apart. Like I was waiting on the train tracks for one to come and hit me.
"Answer me!" he yelled suddenly, getting closer to me. I flinched away, almost heaving. I felt like the puke was coming soon, and swallowed hard to keep it down. Tears brimmed in my eyes; I hated being shouted at.
"I-I d-don't know," I whimpered, subconsciously reaching for Austin's hand. He dodged it, taking a step away.
"Austin," Michael hissed. "What the hell? What were you doing with my brother?" Austin bit his lip. He said nothing. My mouth was uncontrollable as it spilled the truth, nothing else as undeniable.
"We're in love," I said quickly, my mouth dry, voice cracking. "He's my boyfriend." Confidence flooded me a little bit, giving me some reassurance that we would be okay. Looking over at him, waiting for him to be on my side, the smile slipped as I saw him back away a little.
"N-no," he stammered. "I-I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Ashby. I-it was nothing. I'm sorry," he said again, voice fading out.
My stomach dropped.
"What?" I demanded, looking him dead in the eyes. He was frantic, reaching for the doorknob and gasping for breath.
"I-I- Alan," he mumbled, eyebrows pulling down in pity. "I-I can't," he whispered, only loud enough for me to hear. Anger swelled through my veins, blood boiling and heat rising through my skin.
"Tell them!" I yelled, grabbing his wrist in a fit of lividity. "Tell Michael what this is!" He looked down at my hand like it was a weapon, slapping it away and flinging the door open before walking out. My entire body tensed in anger and confusion. Making a move to follow him, I was caught by my father.
"Stay! You are in such deep shit, Alan. I can't believe we trusted you with anything. Goddamn!" he yelled, progressively getting angrier. "All you do is disappoint me!"
My mind was not even close to being on his words. It was racing, screaming, kicking and burning. Shaking my dads hands off me, I ignored his screams and dashed outside after Austin, my lips trembling and tears cascading down my cheeks. He stood by his car, trying to unlock it as quickly and frantically as he could. Anger coursed through me.
"Austin!" I yelled, forgetting how early it was and that I had neighbors who might not have appreciated the disturbance. I didn't give a damn. I was seeing red. He jumped, sorrowful eyes meeting mine.
"A-Alan, I-I'm sorry. I- I wasn't ready for them to kn-"
"Shut up!" I shrieked out of nowhere, storming towards him. He looked scared, swallowing hard. I couldn't believe this was the Austin I knew. Weak, childish. Pathetic.
"You're not a man," I growled, grabbing his shirt and forcing him to listen. "You're a boy. You have no guts. What was this to you?" I demanded, anger and confidence seemingly brimming from nowhere at all. He gulped, reaching for the door handle slowly. I felt like snapping, crying, screaming. It was impossible to handle. He couldn't even tell my brother that he loved me.
"Huh? What the hell was this?!" I seethed. His eyes glazed over, and, gently, he pried my hand away.
"I-I wasn't ready."
"Is that all you have to say?" I whispered, voice filling with hatred. He watched me, a steady stream of tears falling down his face. My family watched from the garage, momentarily forgetting their anger. He looked over at them, and then back to me. Over at them again. His eyes locked with Michael's. Then back to me once more.
In one fell swoop, he was in his car, running a shaking hand through his hair.
My heart shattered into a million pieces, and I began to feel as though I'd collapse. Nothing made sense, save for the next words coming from my mouth. Words I'd never used before, never let exit my system. Yet there they were, echoing into the night just as he drove away.
"Fuck you!"