Strings

FINAL TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide, Depression, Self Harm, Minor Blood, Hospitalization. 

Please be advised if you are sensitive to any such material.

Levi awoke with a silent start. His grey eyes looked at the white of the pillow that was pressed against his cheek, as he worked on collecting his breath. Something had startled him awake, yet again. As he rolled on his back, staring up at the ceiling, the ravenette wondered...

How did one comprehend a silent nightmare?

He glanced over to his left. The blonde was still laying there, his bare shoulders and muscled arms sprawled over a pillow. Levi stared at him for a while. Part of him was fascinated by sleeping bodies. The other part of him couldn't move. Well, more like he didn't want to move. He had no desire to get out of the bed.

He turned his head to the medication on his nightstand. If he could just muster up enough energy to reach, he could somehow get the medication and maybe want to get up but....

He didn't want to move at all, really. He was cool here...just sitting in a depressed funk. At 3 AM in the morning.

He sat, staring into the void of a ceiling, counting the invisible cracks in the plaster wall. This hotel was nice, but the luxury treatment and room service didn't encourage Levi to do anything more than he had to do.

He had enough work cut out for him. Just grovelling enough energy to perform every night was exhausting. Making love to Erwin a few hours ago had left him spent. It took every ounce of him to even pretend like their sex was enjoyable.

Nothing was enjoyable anymore.

Performing for all the screaming masses had long lost its spark and glamour. All the requirements of fame...interviews, photo-ops, Make-A-Wish campaigns, all this giving, giving, giving....

Levi was sick and tired of all this. Every single bit.

He managed to sit up, his back leaning against a pillow. Damn, these pillows were incredibly soft. He had half a mind to go back to sleep, but his wired, insomniac brain would not allow it. He was stuck in his somber, unnerving silent nightmare.

You know, this doesn't have to be this way.

The voice. He heard it from time to time. On tour, on the plane, on the tour bus, on drugs, on his own bed back at home, he heard this little voice in the back of his mind. It was a persistent little bastard, for certain. Normally Levi could ignore the attractive tug of its' silent words, but tonight, he decided to listen.

These things. Your life. It's all going to crumble eventually. Why not relax, yeah?

Levi swore he heard the voice chuckle.

Just relax. No one will mind. Relax and drop yourself down. Escape the crumbling before it tears you apart. Come on, just relax....

Relax...

Relax...

Now jump.

Levi sat on the edge of the balcony. How...did he get here? It seemed like only a few moments ago that he was in bed, unwilling to move. But now...