Carry You ~Eddie Diaz

Sam's POV:

March 5th, 2020

I have been keeping my space from everyone lately, I've been in bed all week. I haven't been able to face Eddie, Nic, or my siblings, how could I? I don't even know how much they've heard either which scares me. Eddie has tried to talk to me but I just shake it off, I can't do it mentally right now. All of these feelings have resurfaced and it's difficult to deal with.

Eddie hasn't been around very much, he's been working long shifts and they switched to 24-hour days. He works from 11 pm to 11 pm, every other day. I like the space but I also miss him, I want to talk to him but as soon as he comes home I lose my courage. That's why I am writing him a letter. I am hoping he will read it when he comes home from work tonight. I've been doing my best to take care of Christopher but Carla has been here a lot to not only help Chris but me as well.

I was pouring my heart out into this letter, explaining the struggles I've been facing, that it isn't Eddie's fault, I love him no matter what, he doesn't scare me, I want to talk to him but I don't want him to think I'm damaged.

It was 10 pm and I had just taken a shower, I put the letter in an envelope and set it on the bedside table on his side. I let my hair air dry, and the natural curls formed as my eyes got heavy. I forced myself to get up and walked to Christopher's room, he was lying in bed with the lights on, his glasses were resting on his face still but his eyes were shut. I walked over to him and ruffled his hair carefully, I then took his glasses off and set them on his nightstand. I pulled the covers up more to tuck him in, I set a kiss on his forehead and smiled. "Goodnight, Chris," I whispered and stood up, I turned his light off and shut the door. I walked back to my room and laid down. I shut my eyes and let the sleep take over.

I have become a very light sleeper since I moved in with Eddie, not that I'm complaining, it doesn't really bother me. I heard the front door open since I left the bedroom door open. The lamp on Eddie's bedside table was still on and I heard footsteps stop at Christopher's room a few minutes passed before they came into the room. Eddie set a soft kiss on my forehead like he does every night. The bathroom door shut and I heard the shower start. I turned onto my side to face away from Eddie's side of the bed. I shivered and pulled the covers closer to myself, after a few minutes, the shower turned off and the door opened. There were a few moments that passed before the bed shifted, I think Eddie was reading the letter. Another couple of minutes passed before I felt an arm wrap around my waist, "I love you, Samantha."

I was pulled into Eddie and the movement was enough to make my eyes open. I turned to face him with drowsy eyes but I smiled, "I love you too."

"Hey, what are you doing up?"

I shook my head, "I missed you,"

"I missed you too, I see you tucked Christopher in for me, thank you."

"Of course. It's the least I could do. I am so sorry for shutting you out this week. I didn't mean to, I didn't even realize I had all of that built up inside of me-"

"Baby, stop, I'm not upset, I completely understand. It's similar to how I feel with my PTSD, just because I haven't told you about my demons overseas; I don't expect you to open up to me, it's okay."

I felt tears prick at my eyes, "Thank you, Eddie. I appreciate that more than you know. How much did you hear at my therapy session?"

"I heard it all, but I'm not hurt by anything you said regarding me, I know that my PTSD fits can be random and scary. I'm sorry for that. I worry about you, I don't want you to be upset anymore. I want to be able to move forward and make you happy, to start a future with you and Christopher."

"I want that too,"

Eddie wiped my cheeks, "Don't cry, it's okay."

I nodded and leaned into Eddie as best as possible. "Can I ask you a serious question about the future?"

"Of course, you can ask me anything."

I looked up at his mesmerizing brown eyes and smiled, a faint red-tinted my cheeks. "Would you want another child?"

I think I surprised Eddie, he smirked at me and sat up, "Where is this coming from?"

"I was just wondering what your thoughts were,"

Eddie pulled me closer and I relaxed. "Of course, I want another baby. I love Christopher, but when he was younger he always talked about having a sibling. But I was always gone and when I got back, Shannon was gone. I was never able to let her go until I met you. I missed out on so much the first time, I think that I do want another baby,"

I laughed lightly, "You're the best, I want a baby too. But I want to be married first."

"Done, I'll go get your ring tomorrow."

I shook my head, "Eager, are we?"

"Don't mess with me, Samantha. I am ready to spend the rest of my life with you."

"I'm ready for that too, but I also don't want to rush anything. We have to talk to Christopher first, we need to make sure he is okay with this. I don't want him to think that I am replacing Shannon."

"He knows that I know that too. He loves you almost more than I love you which says something, I am ready for the next step in my life."

"As am I, and we can face our demons together, just like you said. I promise that I will be honest with you about how I feel from now on."

"I promise that too,"

"I need to tell you something then, when I was at home before going to Stanford, my mother was forcing pills down my throat, she was trying to get me sent to a mental health center. The pills made me unstable, I honestly think that's where my suicidal thoughts started and they didn't surface again until my lacrosse career ended."

"Sam, I'm so sorry. I had no idea-"

"It isn't your fault, Buck and Maddie don't know either, I didn't tell you, how could you know?"

"I wish there was something I could've done."

"It's alright, seriously, it is. I just needed to tell you."

He nodded and kissed my forehead. I laid my head against his chest and shut my eyes. "Goodnight baby,"

"Goodnight, Eddie."