The King's Rival [kagehina]

[CW: Panic attacks]

I am a dumbass, Kageyama thought for the thousandth time in the last couple of weeks.

Hinata still wasn't responding to his texts. It has been almost two weeks since the "incident."

Kageyama had met Hinata a few months ago, when as first years, they both tried out for their college's volleyball team. They had had a bit of a rough start adjusting to each other, with them both being so competitive, and also because Kageyama is socially pretty awkward, but they soon settled into a rhythm where they played well together.

After a couple of months they had become, well, best friends. They spent most of their time together off the court, doing homework, hanging out, playing video games and basically competing at everything. Kags had never had a close friend before, so having Hinata there was really nice. Hinata had to be the easiest person ever to be around. He was always so happy and positive that he actually made Kageyama smile sometimes. Kageyama rarely smiled for anyone else. And Kags had to admit that over the course of those few months, he really got used to having Hinata around.

Until he fucked everything up.

It was right before winter break, and he and Hinata had just finished practice. They were in Hinata's dorm, talking about plans for the break and other random stuff, no big deal. Kageyama was sitting in a chair looking at his phone and Hinata was on his bed, tossing a volleyball up and down.

Hinata said "Hey, Kags, can I tell you something?"

Kageyama looked up from his phone, curious, and said "Uh, sure." Hinata had stopped tossing the ball and seemed to be looking at him kind of funny.

"Kageyama, I'm gay."

Kageyama was a little surprised, but not really, so he assured his friend "Oh. Well, OK. It doesn't make any difference to me."

Hinata looked relieved. "That's good. Thanks."

They were both quiet for a while, so Kageyama thought that was that and went back to his phone, but after a few minutes, he realized Hinata wasn't talking and Hinata usually was talking about something, so he looked up to see Hinata staring at him with that funny look on his face again.

Hinata took a breath and said "There's a guy I like."

For some reason, Kageyama flinched at those words. He didn't like the idea of Hinata going out with some guy. But he tried to be a good friend, since Hinata was always such a good friend to him, and said "That's good, I guess. Who is it?" looking at his friend.

"You." said Hinata.

Kageyama was shocked to say the least. For a minute, he just stared at Hinata, not knowing what to say. What are you supposed to say when your best friend confesses to you? Kageyama felt anxiety rising up in his chest. He wasn't sure how he felt about Hinata liking him that way. He didn't think anyone had ever liked him that way since as he was so socially awkward and had a scary-looking face. And now, Hinata, his best friend who he spends all his time with, felt that way? It was too much to take in. And how did he feel about Hinata? He had never even thought about people in a romantic way, girls or guys to be completely honest. It was always just volleyball, you know? And what should he say? He was so bad with words and emotions. He got even more anxious thinking about saying the wrong thing. His breathing started getting shallow and it occurred to him that he might have a panic attack. He tried to speak, to say something:

"I ... um... OK?"

He managed a glance up and the look on Hinata's face almost broke his heart. Hinata looked, dejected. Rejected? Kageyama wanted to fix it, to say something, but he started sweating and feeling lightheaded. Definitely a panic attack. He had to get out of there. He couldn't let anyone see him have a full blown attack, no way.

"I ... have to go. I ... I'm sorry."

Kageyama got up and made his way to the door on shaky legs. His mind was screaming for him to escape before Hinata saw him break down. He couldn't even look back, just rushed back to his own room in a haze, willing himself to breathe normally and not lose it until he was alone.

He made it back to his room, fumbled with his key, got inside and leaned his back against the closed door, sliding down to the floor. The next thirty minutes was spent in one of the worst panic attacks he'd had in a long time, and definitely since coming to college. But they passed, as they always did, and after a while he was able to get off the floor and make his way to the bathroom to shower.

The hot water and steam from the shower helped calm him further, and by the time he was done, he was feeling more stable, though really tired. He climbed into bed and considered his next problem -- what to say to Hinata.

He looked at his phone and was surprised to see no messages. He felt somewhat hurt that Hinata hadn't checked on him. So he texted him.

Kags: Hey, I'm sorry about that.

And got no response. Five minutes, ten, nothing. Fuck.

He really wanted to explain his panic attack to Hinata. He had never told anyone at college that he had them. He should have confided in his friend, his best friend, but he hadn't and now Hinata probably thought he was being rejected. Kageyama needed to make things right. He tried again:

Kags: Hinata, I'm sorry. We need to talk.

Again, no response. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

He tried again a couple more times, but Hinata never answered, and Kageyama was so sleepy since panic attacks really suck all your energy out. So he fell asleep that night with his phone in his hand, and his best friend on his mind.

Kageyama woke the next day, and as soon as he remembered last night, he found his phone, which had fallen on the floor, and checked again. No messages. They were leaving later today and going on winter break for ten days. He had to talk to Hinata before that. He tried once more.

Kags: Hinata, I'm really sorry. Can we talk? Before break? Please.

Kags stared at the phone willing Hinata to answer. He was hopeful when he saw the three dots indicating that Hinata was typing, but then was deflated when he read the response.

Tangerine: I already left campus.

Kags: Can we talk when you get home?

Tangerine: I don't know.

Kags: Hinata, I'm sorry. Please let me explain.

Tangerine: ...

Then the dots disappeared and there was no response.

He had tried to text Hinata, even to call him, a few times over the break, but Hinata didn't pick up. Kageyama felt like an asshole, but he needed to talk to Hinata to explain that he wasn't rejecting him, he just .... Well, Kags wasn't quite sure what the hell he was doing. Did he like Hinata that way? He pushed the thought from his mind. He needed to let Hinata know that, although he didn't know exactly what he felt, he knew he valued Hinata as a friend and that would never change. He needed him to know.

That was almost two weeks ago. They were back at school and it was almost time for volleyball practice. Kageyama planned to go early and try to talk to Hinata, to try to explain. He had to see his face, to talk to him in person, to try to explain why he acted that way. If Hinata could see his face and read his body language, he would understand Kageyama better since Kags isn't good with words.

I He planned out what he would say, at least somewhat, on his way to practice. He was nervous but excited to see Hinata after such a long time away from him. Kageyama realized with a slight jolt that he missed his energetic friend. What does that mean? He didn't have time to think about it too long, because he had arrived at the gym. And was completely surprised by what he saw.