The Wrong Party

I'm sorry

"Never caught my breath, every second I'm without you I'm a mess" I sighed "God fucking damn it Yoongi!" I screamed and hit the steering wheel. I felt crazy. Am I overreacting? Am I stupid? I had never questioned myself so much before in my entire life. Only he has that power over me and I have no idea how to take it back. 

Or if I even really want to. 

To love someone completely is giving them the power to break you, and trusting that they won't. I know, in the bottom of my heart, that Yoongi genuinely didn't mean to break me. I know if I give him the chance, he'd never hurt me again. 

But I need to heal my wounds first. 

I feel like I'm nothing but contradictions. 

I walked into the house and smiled at Yoongi sitting on the floor with our babies and playing blocks, I felt the pang in my chest when he looked up at me and smiled sadly. 

I'm sorry. 

"Hey" he said as he stood up 

"Hey" I mumbled 

"Mae just had a dirty diaper. So she should be set for a while" I nodded as I stood there watching my babies play "were you um..were you crying again?" He asked softly, I touched my face and realized it was wet again

"Yeah" I wiped my face dry with my shirt 

"I'm so sorry" he whispered and closed his eyes 

"I know" I nodded and swallowed a lump in my throat "we should probably get going now" he nodded 

I'm sorry. 

"Do you want me to help get them into the car?" 

"Sure" 

He grabbed Mae, I grabbed Jay, and we got them into the car, neither of us daring to speak a word. 

"I love you" he kissed Jay "and I love you" he kissed Mae "I'll see you guys soon okay? Listen to mommy" 

They both babbled at him and giggled as he wiggled his nose against each of theirs. 

I'm sorry. 

"I love you too" he said to me as he shut the back door of the car, I nodded and nibbled my bottom lip 

"I know. I love you too Yoongi" 

And I'm so fucking sorry. I wish I could stay here with you. I wish I didn't feel like the bad guy. I wish I wasn't taking our children away from you. I wish you could hold me. I wish I could kiss you. 

"Don't cry" he said softly, I flinched when he brought his hand up to touch my face and he lowered his hand. I wanted to grab his hand and put it on my face to wipe my tears but I didn't. 

"I'll be okay" I wiped my face with my shirt again 

"If anything happens, or you decide to come home, you know you're always welcome. This is your home too, and theirs of course" 

"Okay" 

"I know I can't change your mind today. But I hope I can eventually, I want you home with me. I want you next to me" 

Me too. 

I'm sorry. 

"Can we talk about this another time please? I don't want to fight"

"I won't fight you gorgeous, I understand. I can own up to my mistakes. I'll never fight you on this" 

"Well, we can converse another time then. I'm tired"

"I can tell. You look like you haven't slept in days" 

"Three days to be exact" I quipped making him flinch a little and guilt washed over him, I sighed and walked around the car to get in behind the wheel

"Can I at least hug you? Please?" 

We haven't hugged, kissed, touched, in three days. That's the longest time for us with no physical contact in two years. It's killing me, and it's obviously killing him too. 

I nodded and he stepped forward, wrapping his arms around me tight, one of those hugs where the other person is trying to pull you together and mend your broken pieces. I sobbed into his chest as I held onto him "I'm sorry" he whispered "I'm so sorry" 

"I know" I whispered against his chest 

"If I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat" 

"I know" 

"I love you" he kissed the top of my head and I nodded before pulling away 

"I love you too" I mumbled as I got into the car and shut my door, not strong enough to look at him before pulling out of the driveway 

"Ahdada da!"

"Buhbye!" 

I started crying again as my kids waved and babbled to their father through the window as I drove down the street. 

I'm sorry. 

Lyrics- I Caught Fire- by The Used