it all started with a cappuccino

JENNIE

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA
6:20 PM

"i love you, but not as much as you love me, and that's just the worse."
—————

Stacks and stacks of papers in front of me, with deadlines chasing me, I still had three tests to study for, and I was trying to reschedule my breakdown for later.

A month through law school was amazing but draining at the same time. It was indeed a roller coaster ride and I wasn't sure how am I going to last 4 years in this setting, but I knew I had no choice.

The girls (and Hyunjin) were all trying to get me out of my studying cocoon and was nagging me to take a break for a while, but I knew taking a break was not in my option anymore.

As I was turning around to pick up the portfolio on my other desk, I was startled by the face of non other than Lalisa Manoban, "You're going to kill me!"

She laughed so hard before sitting down and placing the food in front of us, "Sorry,"

"I like your hair," I said, after I noticed that she cut her hair short and dyed it black, "It suits you well."

"Thank you very much," she said and started pulling the food out of the container, "I figured you haven't eaten yet, and I'm not wrong. So, take a break for a while and have dinner."

It wasn't foreign that Lisa was always around me. She would bring me food, or visit me every time. I wasn't sure if she was just bored or she cared about me too much, but she was always around to make sure I was fed, or I was still alive.

"Don't you have something to do? You're here every time." I said while chewing,

"Oh come on, I brought you food to look out for our future lawyer and this is what you say to me? A thank you would've been better," she rolled her eyes.

"Thank you, Lalisa!" I teased.

She rolled her eyes again, "So now that you've brought that up, I decided to find a work."

"Really?"

"Yes. I mean my inheritance money would live me off for the rest of my life, but I was deciding to save it and get myself a real job just so I can save more for my future family." she said and sipped on the soda.

"Are you seriously family planning right now?"

"Just a wishful thinking," we both laughed.

"So, any job in mind?"

"Well, since I have a degree in teaching, I'm going to apply as a professor,"

I nodded in agreement, "That's totally cool. You should do it. And you have to tell me how it turns out for you,"

"As if you're not the first person I tell things to." she rolled her eyes once more.

The rest of the time we finished off dinner and she offered to wash the dishes so I could continue my writing. When she was done, she did nothing but sit on the couch in front of me and started doing stuff on her laptop.

It has been a daily occurrence. She was here to keep me company if I wasn't at school, she would eat with me, she would do her own work here with me. She was always here.

I wasn't blind, and I was sure that she was doing all of this because she was liking me. I wouldn't want to take advantage of that, I was just comfortable having her close to me, and I wasn't ready for the mixed up feelings to mess everything for the both of us.

I was so engrossed in my work that I didn't notice it was almost twelve midnight. I looked up to see Lisa asleep while sitting down with her laptop still open on her lap. I stood up and approached her, lightly tapping on her shoulder, "Lisa? Wake up,"

She started shifting, tossing, and turning since I interrupted her sleep. She was scratching her eyes now when she held on my hand on her shoulder, and pulled me near her which ended up with me sitting on her lap engulfed in her hug,

I was unable to process what was happening, I was stunned. Sure, I've hugged her before, but this just felt different. It was like her heart was beating right on mine. Her eyes were buried on my shoulder but I can feel the sadness in it. Her hands clutched around my waist like I was to disappear anytime, "Can we just stay like this?" she whispered.

Train of thoughts came rushing through me as I think of every possible reply. This was Lisa, my best friend. One of the people who was by me through all. One of the people who I welcomed to my life in a short period of time.

She was by me.

She was making my heart crazy right now.

But this was Lisa, and I'm Jennie.

It was like love and pain, stars and rainstorm, heaven and nothing, she was amazing, and I was just me.

The me who was unable to feel love.

Maybe I was liking her just as much as she was liking me. But what do I know about love?

Nothing.

So is love worthy for me to take the risk and end up hurting her and possibly demolishing the us now?

No.

"Lisa," I whispered, "You have to go,"

"I like you so much," she confessed. This time with her full attention, "No scratch that -- I think I'm falling for you,"

"You can't," I said, standing up, "Lisa just go home,"

"Jennie, can't you understand? I like you, I love you, I want you! Jen, can you please listen?"

"Why do you like me? Lisa you can't! Do you understand?" I shouted,

"Why? Because you're too broken, too broken to learn how to love? Jen, I know. I know all about that, and I will wait. Just tell me something, tell me anything to assure me--"

"No! I don't want this, I want the us without any beating hearts, just us. Jennie and Lisa, friends. Friends who care for each other, friends who look out for each other. Lisa, I can't. I want you, but I can't have you, and I won't have you." I said, trying not to cry.

"That's just all bullshit!" she shouted, "Why can't you understand? What are you so afraid of?!"

"Hurting you!" I cried, "You're too precious for me to just break you. I can't do that, no. I don't want to hurt you,"

"You're hurting me now, Jen." she looked down and cried.

We stood there quiet, just trying to process what just happened. It was a lot to take in, it wasn't how I wanted to end my day, it wasn't how expected it to happen.

"I should go," she finally said and picked her bag up,

"Lisa?" I tried to call for her, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," she said and smiled before closing the door.

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last 2 chaps!

i know it's very rushed and the plot is messy, after the long break from writing i forgot abt my plans for this book, but i dont want to leave this unfinished.