Escaping you |EDITING|

23-Atlas

"Everette please just let me do this, I'll be okay."

I open his bathroom door and unlike his bedroom it doesn't smell like him like I expected it to, the faint scent of cologne and bleach make my head hurt even harder as I stare down at the floor.

I sit down up against the wall and the cold tile on my thighs makes me shiver, my head slightly bouncing off the wall when I lean backwards.

"Ev I need a minute." I say and he nods, walking out the door.

My brother was right here. My brother has been right here. He's been in my entire house, my school, the beaches we always go to, the mall, his favorite stores

How will I ever be able to move on if he lives inside of every place I've ever been, everything I've ever touched, every person I've ever met. He's everywhere.

I just want the pain of losing him to go away and it won't, not when everything that I do reminds me of him. Every word that I say, every person that I encounter,

Every breath that I take,- is something he isn't getting.

I sometimes find myself thinking of him and all I can feel is anger, I mean he was reckless and careless and he got himself killed despite every one warning him that he needed help but that's bullshit.

My big brother was a kid. He was a kid. Everybody that knew what he was doing overlooked it- including me. Everyone got so wrapped up in their own bullshit that no one saw what was going on with him.

The way that Eli handled things wasn't admirable and if I could I would still beat his ass for pretending that it was okay, but he wasn't selfish, not in the slightest. He dealt with his shit the only way he knew how, and everybody else was to busy to care.

Maybe that's too blunt, maybe I shouldn't say it out loud but it's the reality of the situation.

I should've told mom and dad sooner. I should forgave him sooner. Because I do forgive him, I forgive him for all of it.

And more than anything, I wish I would've told him I loved him sooner. I checked on him that day, he said he was fine, I made the poor, stupid mistake of believing him, and the bad thing is, I can't even remember if I told him I loved him.

I was a horrible sister to Elias, I think an even worse one to Zach, who's never been all that fond of me anyways.

I try my best for Paige, and I'm gonna try harder because she deserves an older sibling to lean on, she deserves better than me.

I lean my body against the tile floors, the ceiling spinning above me, the ground solid and still below me. The cold, hard tiles on my skin makes me feel bare, broken.

I'm not sure how long I lay there for, I know it's for a while, though. Eventually I stand up and steady myself—dizzy from lying so still for so long. When I walk back to Eli's bedroom I let myself actually explore the room,

Running my fingers over his books and the clothes in his closet, pulling one of his T-shirts to my chest. My head, it feels like it's exploding with such intense feelings of grief I had know idea I could even feel, grief I didn't even know existed.

I walk to the corner of his room where his guitar is propped against his wall,

Out of everything in his room, this is definitely the thing he cared about most. Him and Zach both have one, mom and dad got it for them On Eli's 12th birthday and Zach on his 14th a few months later, the two of them learned how to play all by themselves and quickly became addicted to playing, not to mention they're both pretty damn good.

My fingers graze over the guitar, Eli's initials carved into the side of it, small lettering, something he did when he was a kid.

I pick it up gently and sit in in my lap as I sit onto Eli's bed, sinking in to the mattress.

I play around with the notes, strumming endless nothing's as the door creaks open and Everette steps inside and I pat the bed, ushering him over

He sits beside me hesitantly and I sit the guitar down and move closer to him

"I'm sorry I made you leave." I say

He shakes his head while he rolls his eyes

"You have every right to ask for space, I just-are you okay?

I shake my head in honesty and I hug him, wrapping my arms as far around his torso as I can reach them and he holds my head to his chest with his hand.

"Everywhere that I go, I know he's been. I can't let go of him, so I can't move on." My voice is muffled in Everette's shirt

"Moving on is not always what you need to do. You barely took any time to grieve, Atlas." He looks at me intently, his eyes roaming my face and returning to my eyes.

"You didn't let it hurt. You jumped right into trying to be happy and you should've been trying to be okay. No one is happy after they lose someone one like that. For something to stop hurting, you have to accept that it hurts, first." From an outside perspective what he says would make me livid, but I can tell from his tone of voice that no malice is intended. He's simply saying what he and I both are true.

"I know." I say with a sigh

"I was never happy. It didn't work—me trying to pretend that I was. I miss him everyday, that hasn't changed, I don't think it ever will."

Ev rests his presses a soft kiss to my forehead and rests his chin on top of my head

"It won't, but it'll be easier to miss him for the right reasons."

"I know you think I shouldn't, but I regret what I did. I regret brushing it off, pretending like he could get better on his own. I should've listened instead of getting angry at him, maybe he'd still be here."

"Maybe so, maybe not. You'll drive yourself crazy wondering and wishing you done things differently. The bottom line is that you didn't do anything differently. You did what you thought was best and that's okay"

I tone him out

"That's why I'm never going to stop asking you how you are every single day because I won't lose you the way that I lost him Everette. I don't even think he knows how much I loved him. How much I still do."

"I promise you he does, and I'm not going anywhere, not ever." Everette leans off the bed and I follow him, standing in the middle of the room, hugging him once again.

"How do I do this? Get through everyday."

"You get up everyday  and you live. You breathe and you speak, and everyday you try to make it a little bit better than the one before it, no matter how hard either of those seem." He breathes into my hair, his arms lazily wrapped around my back, his head leaning over me

And standing here with the only boy I've ever loved,

I realize how much I am truly struggling to do what he's saying, and that breaks my heart.

________________

HEYY. So it's been a little while I guess, my bad. I'm not doing the greatest so be patient.

But anyways. This is my favorite chapter I've ever written and I am very proud of it, although it makes me want to bawl my eyes out.