start over | dreamwastaken x reader (sequel to split)

I thought that starting over would be difficult. But I had learned from all my previous resets that the most intimating part is just starting. Once you officially start it's easy from there. Everything else falls together so easily. It's like lining up dominos for ages and finally getting to knock them over, watching them ripple down in a beautiful mesmerizing fashion.

The new city wasn't far from his. It was far enough to not run into anyone but close enough to still be near my parents. Visiting them had become part of my week once I get settled into new life. It's all I had left. Two stones stuck into the ground was all I had. It's all I could hold onto.

The first day I visited I stood on the road where we parked to walk to the graves and I didn't move. I couldn't find it in me to step onto the grass. To walk up the hill. And be there alone with the two of them. So I just looked from a distance and held peace in my heart before I departed.

The second time was easier. Every time after that it just became routine to take a deep breath to be okay. One deep breath and all worries could slip away before walking up. I had fear that maybe he'd show up one day I was there. But he hasn't yet.

I hope he never does. But whose to say he doesn't hold guilt about it all. He has broken promises and hidden secrets that he might need to get off his chest. He hurt their little girl. A part him must feel like he has to apologize to someone. Anyone.

I reverted back to how I used to be before moving into Clay's place. I lived at my job. Eat, slept, breathed work. It was a constant thought, always running through my mind. It was the only thing I had to keep my mind from wandering to dark places.

It was hard to go void of life. To lose everything. But I had lost it all before. Not everything but almost everything. To lose it all was only one step deeper than I had been. What's one step in a life full of millions?

I had yet to make a friend. I couldn't find it in me to form a bond with someone who could at any point just snap their fingers and be gone. Like Clay had done. Like my grandma had done. Like my parents had done. They all just one day were gone. I couldn't deal with another blink and disappear.

I kept everyone at an arms length away. My wounds were too fresh. I was too fragile to let anyone in. I was afraid that a simple word or touch would trigger a flood of emotions too strong for anyone to deal with. It was better to be just me and me alone.

The walls of my apartment became my safe space. It protected me from the outside world but also protected me from myself. I didn't feel at home but I felt content enough to stay. I didn't want comfort because comfort made me think of him. I just wanted to be content.

"Hey, did you bring up the stock from the back room?" A coworker asks as I walk towards the office at my work. It's huddled in the front corner of the building and I spend most my time there. I hide away from the world to shield myself from past traumas.

I turn to face my coworker and paint a fake smile to my face. My new life has been nothing but a painted fake mask with a smile. Sound familiar?  I've taken a page right out of his book to shield myself from the pain. Maybe one day it will start to feel real. "Yeah," I point to a stack of boxes I left in an aisle, "left it over there for you."

I hear hushed words being said which is my cue to depart and hide away in the shadows. I retreat to my favorite place and stare blankly at the wall hoping my name isn't called again for hours.

But that would make my life too easy. I can't hide for hours. I can't hide from hushed words or unspoken thoughts. I can only deal with them head on. I can't move forward because the past never escapes me. I will always be her. I will always be his her.