Oceans Away

Days had passed since Will had kissed her in the attic; and in all that time, he had not spoken to her once. In fact, Rosalie felt that he was avoiding her. Every time she caught a glimpse of him, he seemed to vanish. It was hard to understand what had happened between them that night; but that was true of all her time with him. Rosalie let out a long sigh and attempted to shake the thoughts from her mind; thinking of Will only resulted in nothing but pain and misery. He was undoubtedly incapable of love. That much had become painstakingly obvious to her. So, it would be best if she ceased to think of him and the feelings she had toward him. Rosalie would not be made out to be a fool. You're already a fool, her thoughts nagged chidingly at her. Only a fool would fall so easily for someone like him.
Rosalie was snapped from her sullen reverie by someone clearing their throat behind her; spinning around, she came face to face with Jem. His silvery-white hair glistened in the bright light that witchlights gave off. He was dressed in all black gear, typical of a Shadowhunter who was going on a mission. "Jem," she said in a surprised tone. "Are you going somewhere?" she asked and indicated at his attire.
"I was actually planning on training." he informed her with a kind smile. "What are you doing in here?" he asked.
"Truthfully?" she sighed softly, "I'm hiding."
"From anyone in particular?"
"From everyone." it wasn't exactly true, but at the same time, she wasn't overly fond of the idea of being around people at the moment. "I just feel..." she broke off, and closed her eyes. How exactly did she feel? "I don't know what I feel anymore." she finished quietly.
Jem watched her; his eyes filled with sympathy. It must be hard for her; her entire world had been thrown off its axis. "I would be shocked if you did know how you felt, Miss Gray."
She lifted her eyes to meet his. "Rosalie." she said. "I think we are past the point of formality."
"Rosalie," he amended. "Everything you have ever known is changing; you know of the dangers that fill our world now. That can't be easy to come to terms with."
But it had been easy. Demons and the knowledge of the Downworld did not trouble her the way they probably should. Will troubled her. Will had thrown her world off its axis. "That's not exactly what I meant, Jem." she murmured.
For a moment, Jem said nothing. A look of understanding had fallen over his pale face. "Will." he said at last.
"I know how stupid that must sound." her voice trembled slightly, as if she might cry. "After everything that has happened... to be troubled by a boy-"
"It is anything but stupid, Rosalie." Jem cut her off, not unkindly. "You can't fault yourself for how you feel. I love Will deeply, but he has trouble accepting love from anyone. Myself included."
Rosalie lifted her eyes to meet his once more; the corners of her eyes glistening with tears. There was a brokenness inside her pale eyes; as if she had been shattered into a million tiny pieces. "But I do fault myself." she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I know it is wrong to love him. He does not return my affection, yet I cannot stop myself from caring for him." admitting to someone that she did, in fact, love Will only made her feel worse. She thought it would make her feel better; that she would feel like a weight had been lifted from her chest. Instead, she felt that more weight had been added. And that she was slowly being crushed. "I want to leave here and never come back." she said. Her tone was lifeless and full of defeat.
"Don't make any rash decisions." Jem implored. "I know you have no reason to believe me, but underneath Will's cold exterior is someone warm and wonderful. He just... he hides himself from the people who care for him. He always has."
Something inside of her felt like it had snapped; the tears she had been fighting suddenly drifted from her eyes, and down her cheeks. "I cannot fight him anymore." she whispered. "I will not force him to drop his walls for me; that is a burden I simply cannot bear."
"I am not asking you to." he shook his head slowly; his hand extending to rest reassuringly on her shoulder. His touch did not send a chill through her like Will's did; but it was strangely calming. "I merely want you to understand that Will has never been able to accept love; in fact, he often rejects it. Quite cruelly, as I'm sure you've noticed."
Rosalie said nothing. He knew completely well that she was no stranger to Will's cruelty; he had witnessed it first hand in the courtyard. Rosalie remembered it all too well. Her hand moved absentmindedly to her cheek, tracing her fingers along the fading cut. Her heart felt like it had cracked apart as she thought of Will's mean words. Why does he try so hard to shut people out? What could he possibly hope to gain by spending his life alone and hated? Rosalie was sure that is what he wanted. To be hated. Yet there were moments when he would slip up; moments when he seemed to forget what he was trying to achieve.
"You know," Jem spoke softly, startling her from her reverie. "I've heard that throwing things can be quite a relaxing way of letting your emotions out."
"Are you seriously suggesting that I should break something?" she gaped at him. If this advice had come from someone like Will, she wouldn't have batted an eye. But this is Jem. Jem, who is kind and caring, suggesting that she throw something.
"I said nothing about breaking things, Rosalie." he chuckled lightly and produced a slim dagger from his belt. He held it out to her, hilt first.
"I couldn't possibly!" she shied away from the blade and shook her head. "I've never even held one before. I could hurt someone-"
"You won't." Jem assured her; the blade still resting lightly in his extended hand.
Rosalie's eyes drifted from his face, down to the dagger, and back again. There was an air of confidence surrounding him; it was almost intoxicating. Slowly, she reached out and wrapped her small hand around the hilt. It was a fairly simple looking piece of weaponry; not something she would have envisioned a Shadowhunter using. Whenever she thought of them, she saw beautifully embellished swords; not a mere dagger with gold accents. Jem's hands lightly took hold of her shoulders to steer her toward the target. She could see the various marks of daggers who had embedded themselves into the wooden pillar, and into the wall behind it.
"You'll want your feet to be about a shoulders width," Jem said, watching her carefully as she moved into position.
"You'd better not laugh at me when I miss and make a fool of myself." the faintest trace of a smile passed over her lips as she looked back at Jem.
"Even if you do miss, you won't be making a fool of yourself." he waved her off.
Rosalie shot a pointed look in his direction before returning to her target. Just hit the center, that's all you have to do. How hard could it really be to throw a simple knife? Sucking in a breath, she drew her hand back over her shoulder, and flung the knife forward as hard as she could. The knife sailed forward, twisting quickly through the air and sank into the wooden pillar. She hadn't struck the center, as she had hoped, but it wasn't too far off. Just a bit too high, and a tad to the left.
"That was impressive." Jem complimented; his usual smile plastered across his face.
She returned the smile and turned to look at the dagger once more. I did it. I really did it! And truthfully, throwing something did help bring her some relief. A few moments ago, she would have thought it was a crazy idea. She had no reason to believe that throwing a knife, and watching it sail home could be so... rewarding. "I can't believe I just did that." she laughed, her eyes glittering with excitement. "Nate would be so upset if he knew I did that."
"Speaking of your brother, why aren't you with him?"
Rosalie couldn't help but scoff as she came to stand by Jem. "I can only take so much of Jessamine. She's practically in love with Nate already, and she keeps droning on about how Tessa and I should be helping her woe our darling brother."
"Jessie has always dreamed of living a mundane life." Jem sighed. "She has never thought of herself as one of us; and she likely never will. So, it's no surprise that she's taken by the thought of being with your brother." his words were not unkind, he seemed more resigned than anything else. "This is practically a dream come true for her; so, try to be patient with her. This will pass in time."