TommyInnit's unbeatable method of avoiding sudden death

You Got Games On Your Phone?

"Well it's not your fucking face that's gonna be on-"

"Come with me," The hero sighs, tugging on the boy's hoodie.

Tommy lets out an indignant noise as he is pulled away from the window, "No!" He protests, "This is very illegal."

"I've given you guns," Technoblade smirks, "This is the least illegal thing I've done."

" Clementine, save me," Tommy whispers to his daughter.

Clementine blows a bubble.

Tommy gasps, "You heathen. "

_____

"What the fuck."

Tommy stares at the dining table where Tubbo and Ranboob sit together, Wilbur and Philza on the other end.

Philza looks up at his arrival, smiling, "Morning mate."

Tommy stares.

Ranboob appears to be in and out of consciousness, head drooping onto Tubbo's shoulder. It looks really uncomfortable because Tubbo is so short, his neck is just, bent.

Tubbo is glaring daggers at Wilbur who is smirking back at him.

"You guys are actual kidnappers," Tommy realises, a revelation in his eyes.

"It's not kidnapping if they are orphans," Technoblade shrugs.

"That's- that's not how it fucking works," Tommy whispers.

What the fuck.

_____

"What cereal would you guys like?"

Tommy looks at variations of Manifold's Flakes in Wilbur's hands and grimaces.

"I'm not eating that shit."

Wilbur frowns, "What's wrong with it?"

"Have you fucking tried it?"

Wilbur raises an eyebrow, "I have it every morning."

Well. That explains everything.

Tommy inhales deeply, "No wonder."

"What?" Wilbur's frown deepens. "What does that mean?"

"It means I did god's work by burning that building to the ground," Tommy sighs, "How are they still making that stuff?"

"They went bankrupt, this is just some of the bulk I bought a while ago," The hero shrugs.

"I thought you said you didn't burn that building mate?" Philza turns to the teenager.

Tommy pauses, "I didn't."

"But you just said-"

"I didn't, " He repeats slowly. "But whoever did, I praise thee. They are truly legendary and visionary of the future. I want to be just like them when I am older."

"How are you able to bullshit so early in the morning," Wilbur rolls his eyes, "Just pick a cereal."

"I said I'm not eating that shit," Tommy crosses his arms.

Wilbur narrows his eyes, "Fine. Then starve, gremlin."

"Fine."

"Fine."