TommyInnit's unbeatable method of avoiding sudden death

Call An Ambulance, But Not For Me

"Shut the fuck up. I'm going to strangle you with my bare hands," She says darkly, reaching for him.

Tommy kicks her in the stomach and she falls forward with a wheeze.

Well then.

Tommy brings the rope to his mouth and pulls, bindings unravelling.

"That was so not poggers, Clementine, " Tommy scowls as he stands up, taking out his pen.

He jabs it and twirls the extended baton.

He whacks the woman in the head for good luck.

"Let's get outta here."

______

Tommy shuts the door behind him with a scowl.

He stalks into the living room and slumps over the couch, landing on someone.

"Ugh, get off me," Wilbur groans.

"Wilbur, today was the worst day," He complains, digging his elbow into the man's stomach as he gets comfortable.

"Why are you so fucking bony? Get off me, I don't care."

"I am not bony, I am made of pure muscle," He frowns.

"Yeah okay sure," The man drawls sarcastically. Rude.

"Wilbur I was kidnapped," He complains.

The man sits up so fast, Tommy almost falls off the couch.

"What the fuck? Who?" Wilbur grabs his face with both hands, inspecting the teenager with narrowed eyes.

Tommy squirms. "Some fuckin' woman, I don't know. She had a horrible singing voice."

"Are you hurt?" Wilbur questions, voice tense.

"Calm down, oh my Philza. I'm good big man. She couldn't even tie ropes properly, and she thought she could use me to find out about you guys," He snorts in amusement.

Wilbur does not look amused. If anything, his expression darkens.

Yikes.

"Did she hurt you?" He repeats.

"No, no. I'm too much of a big man-"

" Tommy."

Jeez. Why is he so serious?

"Wil, I'm cool. I'm vibing. She tried to kill me, but I am awesome. I whacked her in the head with my baton like a badass," He grins.

Wilbur stares at him some more, silent.

This is awkward. This is awkward right?

Tommy fidgets.

"Are you gonna let me go or? Cause' this is kinda clingy and-"

Wilbur releases him, "I'm going out," He says, expression stony. "Stay here."

Tommy watches him stalk off, the man grabbing his trench coat and slamming the door behind him.

Yikes.

"He really does have anger issues huh?" He tells Clementine who stares at him.

______

"Technoblade," Tommy shakes the man's sleeping form.

The man grunts.

"Technoblade. Blade. The Blade," He tries again.

"Go 'way," The hero snuggles deeper into his covers.

"Technoblade. Wilbur has anger issues and Philza is doing hero things and I don't know what the fuck Ranboob is doing but I don't care and Micheal is sleeping and Tubbo is doing nuclear things."

There's no response so Tommy continues. "Technoblade, I am bored and bored me is not poggers, can I use your sword for a bit?"

Technoblade opens a single tiny red eye, "No."

Tommy frowns, "Why? I need it. Or else I will probably die."

"Great," The hero nods, falling back asleep.

Tommy's frown deepens. This is terrible. "Technoblade please, I need sword time. I bet your sword misses me, incredibly."

"Don't 'ink so," The man mumbles.

" Technoblade," The teenager whines.

This is so rude and unpogchamp.

He slumps his form over the sleeping man, smothering him.

"Mm get off, child," The man grunts, wriggling under the covers.

"Sword."

"Tommy, If I have to get up," The hero warns.

"Sword."

"Tommy."

"Sword."

______

Phil sighs, rolling his shoulder to work out a crick. He checks his phone for the time as he steps into the penthouse. Three in the morning. Not bad for patrol.

He really hopes Tommy actually came back by midnight.

He walks over to the boy's bedroom, peeking inside.

He suppresses a groan as he stares at the empty bed.

Where is that fucker?

He closes the bedroom door back and walks into Techno's room.

"Tech, I just got back but I've got to go find Tommy because the kid-" He pauses as he takes in the scene.

Techno is fast asleep. That is not unusual, especially on days where he's not patrolling. It's practically his default mode.

It's the boy sleeping on his chest.

Tommy is curled up on the man, drooling onto Techno's sweater, one hand is clutching at the man's sleeve and the other... Phil squints as he looks at the sword in the boy's hand. What the hell?

It's best if he doesn't try to think about it.

Phil leans against the doorframe and finds himself smiling. He lifts his phone and takes a quick picture, sending it to Wilbur before he closes the door behind him gently.

______

Wilbur closes the front door behind him, whistling contendly.

That's that then.

Time to find Tommy. He's overdue Tommy Time.

He checks his phone, squinting in the darkness as he looks at the time. Four-thirty in the morning.

He's about to turn his phone off when he sees a notification from Phil.

He frowns, clicking on it.

The image offends him deeply.

He stalks off, slamming Techno's door open.

How dare he?

He looks at his sleeping brothers and scowls, specifically at his twin.

"Techno," He mutters. The man stirs, blinking his eyes open lucidly.

"Wha?-"

" Jump out the window."

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