TommyInnit's unbeatable method of avoiding sudden death

The Festive Christmas Special

"Don't listen to her child, admire me, behold my sword wielding skills. You want to be just like me when you grow up, fuck Santa Claus, give the cookies and milk to me, " Tommy stares the kid down.

The boy's bottom lip wobbles and he begins to cry.

Tommy scratches his head with a sigh of exasperation. "You really can't please people these days."

The mother glares at him, "I'll- I'll be reporting you to the authorities! Unlicensed weapons are not allowed!"

Tommy scowls, "Listen here, civilian, I am far above all of you. You will regret threatening me and your day of reckoning will come at a time you least expect," Then he turns to the child, "Enjoy your mother while you can, kid."

And with that, Tommy moves on, further into the store because he still needs to find a substitute meal for Ranboob's godawful cooking tonight.

_______

"Woah! Hey!" A voice shouts and Tommy freezes. Oh for fucksake. Anyone but him.

"...Hello, big Q," Tommy sighs, turning around to face the man in a- in a business suit?

"Tommy! Thomas! My man, my guy, how're you doing?" Quackity grins at him.

Tommy stares at the guy in disbelief, "Why the fuck are you in a suit?"

Quackity's expression flattens, raising an eyebrow unimpressed, "I'm here after you fucking shot me in the leg, and the only thing you question is why I'm in a suit?"

Tommy stares, "Yes."

"God, I hate you kid. But guess what?" Quackity smirks, "I'm reformed, baby, I'm making the big bucks, living the good life. After you shot me, this random lady took pity on me and gave me a room in her house. Turns out she was fucking rich. Anyways, long story short, I've started an empire."

"I feel like you missed a few steps in that story," Tommy tilts his head.

"Don't you care? That your former nemesis is now able to wipe his ass with literal dollar bills?" Quackity waves out his hands in frustration.

Tommy sniffs, "Dollar bills would not feel good on your ass, man, trust me, I'm a shit expert. Also this isn't America."

Quackity stares at him, "I hate you."

"Also, you were never my nemesis," Tommy points out, "That title belongs to Willow."

"I'm not even gonna ask," Quackity shakes his head, "All I came here to do was tell you that, you, shooting me in the leg, fucking backfired and now while you shop here, I will be shopping in Las Nevadas."

"What the fuck is Las Nevadas?"

Quackity smirks, "Wouldn't you like to know?" and then he slowly walks backwards, saluting as he exits the shop.

"What a weirdo," Tommy sniffs, turning back to the cans of beans in his hands as he tries to decide.

_______

"This is a robbery, everyone stand down," A voice shouts and oh my fucking Philza, Tommy is going to start stabbing shit.

He places the cans of beans down aggressively and walks down the aisle to see what the hell is going on.

Tommy squints as he observes the scene, there are like five guys with black masks on.

"Can you not?" Tommy scowls, "I'm trying to buy dinner."