Let It Bleed

*** DISCLAIMER: This contains spoilers for Spider-Man: No Way Home. This is your final warning.

Peter Parker had never been a particularly lucky guy. From day one, it seemed Fortuna herself was out to get him. He lost his parents at four. As if that wasn't bad enough, their disappearance was still a mystery to him. For all he knew, they dumped his sorry ass at Ben and May's house and took off on permanent vacation to the Bahamas.

Okay, that was unlikely. But still, in his youth, Peter spent hours letting his mind wander about if his parents were still alive. Sometimes—in darker periods—he'd think about how they might have died. As he got older, these thoughts occupied less space in his brain. While he didn't think about it as often, the thoughts were still there, nagging in the darkest corners of his mind.

Then he got bit. At fifteen years old, Peter had gained super strength, speed, agility, and even a sixth sense. Truthfully, his power scared him. Recently he had...well, let's just say he'd seen what some of his raw power could do.

You'd think gaining superpowers as a teenager would be the life, right? Wrong. While he loved being Spider-Man and felt called to make a difference, the choice to be a vigilante had cost him everything. And that's not an exaggeration—it had cost Peter literally everything.

First, he lost Ben. Worse, he knew it was his fault. Peter acted like a child and stormed out into the chilly New York City night. Ben had followed him to bring him back home. Ben was shot, and Peter could have stopped it. He would always feel guilty for letting Ben down.

Next was Tony. Tony Stark was a father figure in many ways to Peter for several years. He did his best to ease Peter into being an Avenger (ultimately, the arrival of Thanos threw a wrench in that plan and Peter became an Avenger earlier than anticipated). Tony could have a hard exterior, but Peter saw past it and knew Tony was a good man. When Tony died, Peter was gutted. He felt like he was cursed. Anytime he had any figure in his life to whom he looked up, they got killed. Further, Tony's shoes were impossible to fill. He was Iron Man, for fuck's sake. He didn't know if Spider-Man would ever be the kind of hero that Tony was, or have even remotely the same level of impact. But Peter had to try. 

Then, Peter's identity got revealed to the entire world. It was his worst nightmare. The only reason he was still sane was because he had May, Happy, Ned, and MJ in his corner. When shit hit the fan, they backed him up regardless of the cost to their own lives. May was threatened with child endangerment charges. Happy was slapped with various crimes of his own, despite being one of Tony's most trusted employees and friends. Ned and MJ had given up their chance to attend college, just to stand by him and support him. He knew he didn't deserve them, but he was beyond thankful for them anyway.

As if it couldn't get worse, then they appeared. The villains from other universes, but really, there was one in particular that left a bad taste in Peter's mouth. He had killed May. Peter failed to save her. But his friends...his wonderful friends found him on the roof of Midtown High and comforted him. They even brought help - himself from other universes that had been through similar hardships, each with their own wisdom to offer (and one piece of advice with which he was very familiar). In the moments when they were working on the cures, he felt like maybe everything would be okay. He thought maybe after it was all over, he'd be able to go to MIT with his friends and move on from May's death. He felt hopeful.

Peter also felt vengeful, though. He wanted Goblin's head on a pike, despite still hearing May's words echo in his head as a painful reminder of how great she was. When Peter 2 had intervened as he was about to strike Goblin down with his own glider, Peter felt a flash of anger, but then understood. It wasn't right. As much as he didn't want to, he had to rise above and be better than his enemies. He knew he would never be the hero he wanted to be unless he learned how to master this. So he dropped the glider, and everything seemed okay (aside from Peter 2 getting stabbed...ouch).

Then the icing on top of the shit-frosted cake. The magic box was destroyed and the spell was unleashed. Stephen was struggling to keep it under control. At first when Peter suggested his solution, Stephen refused. Peter knew it was because he cared, and he appreciated Stephen for it. In the end, Peter knew he would have to make the sacrifice. He could never be selfish enough to jeapordize the entire world for what he wanted, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

As he walked into Brooklyn's Peter Pan Donut and Pastry Shop and saw MJ at the counter, his heart nearly stopped. She had her hair tied back in a familiar messy bun, with tendrils covering part of her beautiful face. His heart swelled when he noticed the broken Dahlia necklace she still wore. He thought maybe memories of him lurked deep in her curious mind, fighting to find their way to the top. 

When they started dating, it hadn't taken Peter very long to completely fall in love with her. She was hilarious, grounded, smart, and independent. She pushed him to be the best version of himself. She was the prettiest girl he'd ever met. She was perfect.

She looked as if she recognized him, but then Ned walked through the door. Ned was his best friend, even before the bite. Peter admired Ned for his positive attitude and loyalty, and he missed building legos with the guy.

"Can I help you?" MJ's voice had cut through his thoughts like glass.

He tried his best to keep his composure and said, "Hi, I'm Peter Parker and..."

He paused. Why did I pause? He thought. You have the note in your hand, idiot. Just say it. Tell her!

"And I'd like a coffee," he finished. Stupid.

As he waited, million thoughts raced through Peter's mind. He thought about the note he'd written over and over again until he was sure it was perfect. He'd rehearsed it so many times, he had it memorized.

Dear MJ,

This is going to sound crazy, but I promise it will all make sense in time. My name is Peter Parker, and I'm your boyfriend. Ned Leeds is my best friend. I met Ned in English class our freshman year of high school. I met you in middle school, but you kept to yourself and we didn't know each other well back then.

I am Spider-Man. You actually figured it out on our senior trip. You helped me defeat Mysterio and we started dating. After that, things get complicated. Everyone found out my identity, the multiverse turned out to be real and people from other universes were coming to ours. One of them...one killed my Aunt May. We cured them, with the help of versions of me from other universes, and sent them back home. The only problem is, there was a magic spell that went haywire. Dr. Strange tried to contain it, but the only way to fix it was by erasing everyone's memory of me.

I know how it sounds, but I swear it's true. I swear on my Aunt May that it's all true. I love you, MJ. I never got to tell you that. You wanted me to wait to tell you when I saw you again. Please remember me.

All my love,
Peter Parker

When she had finally given him the coffee, he tried to work up the nerve to tell her, but then he saw that damn cut on her forehead. That combined with overhearing his two best friends in the entire world had gotten into MIT, well...he knew he couldn't tell them. He knew telling them would be selfish, because it would just put them in harm's way. He knew telling them might take away their opportunity to go to a school like MIT, and it wasn't fair of him to do that, especially not after all they had done for him.

It broke his heart to leave without telling Ned and MJ about everything, but at the same time, it gave him hope knowing their futures would be better and safer. It comforted him to know that they would no longer be in harm's way because of him. And that's a burden Peter Parker was happy to bear.