THE MEANING OF VALUE

VALUE: And I Did

I learned over time how crazy—how absolutely fucking absurd life can be, and how insanely cruel. It makes you feel like you are in a fucking surrealistic nightmare. And if something bad can happen, I usually end up experiencing it. So many times I just wanted to die.

Why? I haven't quite figured that out, yet. I tend to believe it is because of an insidious and demented Demiurge that is running the show sadistically.

After being kicked out of the house, I moved into the church dormitory. Everyone in the church seemed supportive at that time. Apparently God wanted me living closer to the church, improving the proclivity of moving closer to God in my personal walk. It was only a matter of time before things turned sour.

There was only one reason for me going to Alaska that I could see. And I wouldn't learn what the reason was for sixteen years. If I hadn't met the couple who would be by friends, while living in Anchorage, I would never have met my wife, six years after I had left the church.

That is not to say that Soldotna, and Anchorage were not a living shit-show nightmare. When I left the church, I had absolutely nothing. No direction. No noticeable purpose.

In my fifth year with the church, I took a vacation to Anchorage, as I had some friends that lived there, and they looked forward to seeing me again. We were Dungeon and Dragons geeks, and everyone wanted me to be the DM. I only expected to stay a couple of weeks, but I had not anticipated meeting a girl who would turn my head around, and see to it that my weeks turned to months instead.

The girl's name was Melissa, and we became a couple to my surprise, as I thought she was beautiful, sexy, and classy. And what she had seen in me I had no idea. After all, I never considered myself handsome or good-looking. I never expected that a girl so attractive would ever take an interest in me. So, I didn't pursue her; however it didn't stop her from pursuing me. She even called her mother, and told her all about me. Her mother wanted to speak with me, and when the conversation was over, the mother was convinced that her daughter was in good hands. Which she was.

When I returned home after three months, my pastors were not pleased with me by any scope. They had thought that I had fornicated with Melissa while I was away; after all I was a boy of seventeen, so obviously, I couldn't keep it in my pants. And so, because of my alleged transgression, it was determined that the dorm would cast lots, to see if I was still laudable enough to live in the dormitory. After the voting, it was determined that I was in fact still worthy to stay in the dorm, and I would do so for another two years.

Melissa lived in Spokane, Washington. I wrote to her almost every day—writing pages that were like small books. However one day I felt the notion to call Melissa. Her mother answered the phone and was so glad that I had called; it seemed that Melissa was not doing so well by herself—hoping for the day that we would be together again--was taking too long, and she was grief-stricken with longing.

I told her that when the time was right, God would make a way for us to be together. However, I had recently received a $1000.00 dividend from the state, and another $3,000, for a student-loan, and as I look back, what more did I need to know, to understand that the time was right? I felt it was time to talk to my pastors. After all, they would tell me what God really wanted for me. And what I wanted more than anything else was God's will.

Food for thought people: Don't ever wait on God, in a relationship. Instead, follow your heart. I made the mistake of asking my pastors what I should do—should I stay, or should I go? They told me to stay. They did so by informing me, that I would be leaving the church to pursue a relationship, and God would not want that. I would be letting myself be tempted like David with Bathsheba.

It was one thing if Melissa wanted to move to Alaska, but it was quite another for me to move away from the church, and put my soul in jeopardy. I had the means to go. And Melissa's parents even had an apartment that I could rent while attending college. It would be the perfect set-up before Melissa and I would be married. But...it was not to be. The relationship would come to a grinding halt, and by the time I was ready to leave the church, a year later, Melissa would already be married.