? laundry boy | yang jungwon

18: save me

"sorry." she frowned, "but please, tell him to contact my father as soon as possible."

i nodded, "i will..."

laundry boy//jungwon
-after school-

what is all of this...?

my eyes were sternly reading every word carefully from the notebook that my mom kept in her bag. it was her bag that she always carried around.

i took it and kept it with me when i moved. i never looked inside of it until now.

it was like a diary, or a journal? whatever the difference was.

the first page dated the year 2008, four years after i was born. it had a hospital wristband glued onto the page with my name and the year i was born. it was small enough to fit a small child's wrist.

"don't tell me..."

her handwriting was messy and rushed.

blood vessels, disease? it had all things written in stuff i couldn't understand.

problems with pumping blood, my heart not functioning normally.

what the hell?

was there something wrong with me this whole time.

i flipped to numerous pages until it dated 2014, that's the year i stopped visiting the hospital entirely.

,,it'd be terrible if he was older. luckily, since he's so young, he has well-preserved heart muscles.

never have i told him there was something wrong with him; i didn't want him to worry. i didn't want him to refrain from doing certain activities that every other child does just because his health is different.

but it's true, he is very well now. nothing is wrong with him. i hope...

141104,,

the more i read her writing, i couldn't help but think, is she trying to convince herself that i'm alright?

the more i flipped, i could see her writing become more messy and aggressive. i could tell she was pressing hard on the pen especially at the end of the messages.

there were a lot of capital letters, like she was going insane. and when i read over the last page, i could tell,

she was finally giving up on convincing herself that i'm alright, she was finally understanding that i wasn't okay.

i was never okay.

,,his last appointment! i won't be bringing him there after a while.
doctor seong keeps telling me to bring him back from time to time, but i just can't.

i've tried getting as much money as i can, but i've lost more than i've earned.
his father doesn't even care to help for him and his health.

i should've saved money. i was so desperate to get money for some sort of surgery to cure him.
i was so desperate.
if i hadn't gambled, maybe we'd have a lot by now.

it's all my fault.

my son, i haven't done a
good job as your mother, have i?

he can't live long like this.

i can't handle it if he dies before me.

210624,,

i was getting tense, there were so many dried wet spots on this specific page, it was hard to read. not only because of the wet spots that smudged her writing, but also because of how much the message hurt.

the date. that wasn't long after she died...

i shut the journal and threw it far away from me.

"what the hell." i cursed, feeling my breathing get heavy again.

am i having a panic attack?

i kept trying to calmly breathe in and out but i couldn't.

i've been living my whole life without knowing i had some sort of condition...

maybe i am fated to die.

why did i even think about giving life a second chance?

"hisano, save me..."

♡