What I never told you (ReaderxDazai)

The most beautiful lie

was the promise

That you'd never make me cry

Your POV

The emptiness of the apartment is too much for me right now. I turn the lights on and, used to the dark outside, my eyes feel sore for several seconds before adjusting to the illumination of the room. The ritual is over soon enough, though, and the next thing I do is go to my bedroom to change my soaked outfit.

Without being in a rush, I calmly begin taking each of my clothes off, throwing them onto the floor as my skin becomes more and more exposed to the room's mild environment. And, before making up my mind about what to wear, I start picking everything up to put it inside the washing machine, understanding that if I don't do it now, I probably won't tomorrow.

I bend to get hold of those monotone clothes I always wear, and the first thing I spot is not my jacket or my jeans but his coat, and, as I carefully grab it and pull it away from the ground, I notice how heavy it is due to the melted snow. I hold the piece of cloth between my hands, and, reacting to a natural instinct, I caress it with my fingertips. It's soft... and cozy...

"Why would he give it to me? He would have never done such thing three years ago..." I wonder out loud as I lean on a wall and let myself slide down until I hit the floor. "Why... Why did I have to meet him again?" I ask to myself, pressing the coat against my chest until my skin starts getting wet, too. I sink my face in the brown cloth and, remembering all the moments I shared with him, all the emotions he made blossom inside me in the past, I start crying like a little child, silently sobbing as the grip on Dazai's clothes becomes stronger and stronger. To the point I crave for the feeling that I'm hugging his body and not just an object. Something that won't talk to me, that won't hug me, that won't love me back.

My lungs seem to run out of breathable air, and I feel like I'm in the middle of an ocean without knowing how to swim. I just uselessly beg for somebody to save me, but my voice doesn't reach anyone. Not anymore.

He was the only one who, without realizing it himself, gave me somewhere to hold myself onto and not die in the middle of those white waters, but... But he left, taking away the only thing that kept my pain at bay. And, after three years, after all those endless missions, all those non-healed scars on my skin and soul, I thought I was starting to learn how to avoid drowning. That by holding onto what he taught me I'd be able to survive a bit longer.

Guess I was wrong.

"Why?" I just mumble, going to great lengths to stop sobbing. "W-Why did you have to appear again? Why... Why couldn't you keep your damn promise?" I unconsciously begin yelling, gripping so hard onto the brownish coat that I fear I might end up tearing it.

I wait for an answer, even though I'm aware that there's nobody there to reply it. In the end, I just slump on the floor, hugging that beloved possession tighter until my eyelids become heavier, and, without having enough strength to fight it back, I fall into a nightmarish slumber.

Reality gets mixed with my deepest desires and dreams and, once again, I find myself being teleported to that day.

The day he left.

The day I last talked to him.

The day Mori-san told me he died.

The day... The day I was forced into using a mask in front of everyone else. The same I'll need to use once I wake up.

I never liked being an executive. Missions were risky, and if you were in trouble, nobody would come save you. You were destined to die alone in a filthy ditch, tortured by the hands of the enemy. You were destined to watch how your own life slipped away from the tips of your fingers as you slowly felt your body growing colder. As your pain switched from unbearable to non-existent. As you understood that you'd die alone. And that nobody would care.