Scott the Woz unofficial script

Scott: Hey all, Scott here. you know you're happy when you have two hundred NES games to cry to.
Scott: I don't need companionship I've been a human being for 21 years.
Scott: Why would a 23 year old need another human in their life?
Scott: It's an one man job being alive. I don't need two
Scott: If course in terms of life goals I'd love to be an uncle. Problem is I'm an only child so the only way I can do that is by marry someone with a nephew.
Scott: That's how they get ya
Scott: it's not like I have any trouble doing things like that, I'm more of a recreational virgin anyways.
Scott: I can get married whenever I want. Watch
911 operator: 911 what's your emergency?
Scott: plEASE fuck me
Scott: ... Okay I'll do something

Scott: Thank you all for coming.
Rex: When I heard you couldn't get laid I dropped everything and came straight here
Scott: Well I couldn't imagine anyone else being apart of the "Fuck Scott Taskforce"
Terry: Yeah I interpreted that in a different way
Scott: So is anyone else already fighting in the war against virginity?
Terry: I'm vegan, I'm good
Therapist/Jerry: no thanks, I'm stuffed
Rex: I'm very anti war
Terry: don't you love virginity
Rex: I like it, but I'm not a blind fanboy
Scott: I just need help conquering virginity. I haven't messaged any girls on tinder and I haven't gotten any responses yet.
Rex: you haven't gotten any responses on tinder? have you tried telling them how badly you want to fuck em?
Terry: have ever considered getting a job?
Therapist: yeah, it's a huge turn on for the girls.
Scott: Aw damn, I thought they liked eviction notices
Terry: What we gotta do is help you give up
Rex: so, speed dating?
Target employee: Count me in
Scott: Who the hell are you?!
Target employee: oh you know my  brother he worked at Wendy's
Scott: wendy's, wendy's, oh the Wendy's employee. How's he doin?
Target employee: oh yeah not too good he's been dead for the past month.
Rex: what the hell? he didn't tell us?
Scott: oh maybe when can speed date in honor of him. really get the dead on our side
Rex: Yeah, I'll give him a call. See if he's open to it
Terry: yeah we'll hand out some coupons see if we can get the town to speed date.
Therapist: Yeah I think my parents are free
All: ...
Rex: he's not picking up

Therapist and Rex: *puts up sign that says "speed dating for the cure"*
Scott: Oh God, speed dating, I'm so nervous
Rex: Remember girls love it when you tell them how lonely and desperate you are
Therapist: And you gotta get reeaally mad if they don't want to fuck you
Scott: so is your brother happy we're doing this?
Target employee: *looks at phone* nope. Still dead
Terry: how is this for charity again?
Scott: I don't know but it is a write off
Target employee: So are we ready to get started here?
Rex: nobody's shown up yet and it's 6 A.M. in five minutes so they better get here quick
Scott: Oh God this isn't good what if people show up and they don't like me? Maybe I should where a hat just in case I start balding during the date.
Terry: Listen, before people start showing up we should probably get you some practice.
Scott: Like a driving range
Therapist: Yeah but without the flirting
Terry: First empty your pockets
Scott: aw man *takes out four wii u games from pockets and throws them on the ground*
Terry: All right let's sit down. Anyone on my side (the left) would be a girl anyone on this side (the right) will be-
Scott (right):Horny, got it
Terry (left): Okay we have one minute per date, let's see what you got
Scott (right): before you ask, why yes, I have killed a man
Terry (left): come on that's not in anymore
Scott (right): I just want to be interesting
Terry (left): So, what do you like to do?
Scott (right): tap water?
Terry (left): Well to show you a little about myself here's a picture of me and my mom
Scott (right): aww, which one's you?

Therapist (left): You got your dental records on you?
Scott (right): yeah *hands over dental records*
Therapist (left): Impressive
Scott (right): I don't want somebody that only likes me for my teeth
Therapist (left): Most dating is tooth-based these days, just how it is
Scott (right): oh, People are really shallow
Therapist (left): Consider it a background check. For example, do you have a death certificate?
Scott (right): sorry, not yet
Therapist (left): Good, I'm not fucking a ghost again

Rex (left): I got seven words for ya "I will fuck anything with a face".
Scott (right): *Looks left, looks right, looks back at Rex* me?
Rex (left): Ahh! I can't keep this up alright! dont have sex, the world doesn't need it
Scott (right): I have to get laid. I think it'll bump up my credit score
Rex (left): If you get laid, who else is not gonna get laid?
Scott (right): You! You hate sex
Rex (left): but I don't want to hate sex alone. I need somebody that shares my interest.
Scott (right): Sounds like you need to speed date

Scott (left): Hi, John Female, woman on the prowl
Rex (right): Rex Mose, school dance historian and chaperone
Scott (left): wow you chaperone school dances? That's so cool. I wish someone could chaperone the whole city
R

ex (right): Damn, you hate sex too?! Wanna fuck?

Terry (right): you ever fuck a vegan?
Scott (left): Haha I get that reference I, too, use words
Terry (right): So, what do you like to do?
Scott (left): Speed date

Therapist (right): ah, you like sitting at tables too?
Scott (left): It is table season
Therapist (right): The moment I saw you, I was like "wow, what I would give to see her at a table"
Scott (left): So all I am is a table user to you
Therapist (Right): With teeth

Scott (left): so I hear you have a dead brother
Target employee (right): is it really that noticable?
Scott (left): wow you're so dreamy, you have those "I have a dead brother" lips
Target employee (right): It is dead brother season

Rex (left): so you single?
Terry (right): My girlfriend drove you here

Therapist (left): So that dead brother of your's, is he uh related to you?
Target employee (right): yep death does run in the family
Therapist (left): Nope! Naw I don't mingle with people that associate with the dead learn to be alive for once *knocks over cans*

Terry (right): Are you bleeding?
Scott (left): yes, let's discuss
Terry (right): I don't want any bleeders. *Points to self* Vegan
Scott (left): Oh great what am I gonna do with all my blood? *Looks at container of blood on the table*
Terry (right): why is the blood yellow?
Scott (left): Yeah, I'm colorblind

Therapist (right): Hi, Jerry Atrics here's my sexual history
Rex (left): would any of your past partners be okay with me calling them about your performance?
Therapist (right): I don't see why not. I was always trustworthy, I never missed a day and I always came on time every morning
Rex (left): Wait a minute, this is your job resume
Therapist (right): No it's not! The last girl I was with was named "Walgreens"! Big deal!

Target employee (left): I don't think this is helping my brother at all
Scott (right): look we're doing this for you
Target employee (left): My brother
Scott (right): Same thing

Terry (right): Gotta be honest with you, you don't look like your pictures
Therapist (left): Sorry I got shot on the way here *shows bullet wound on wrist*

Scott (right): I think this is gearing me up for real life girls
Terry (left): You're learning from the best. We know what girls want
Scott (right): Air.
Therapist (left): Yeah, you're nearing passable levels of speed dating.
Scott (right): Oh what I'm not good enough yet?!
Therapist (left): Replace "not" with "really not" and you'll be closer
Terry (left): You did bleed all over me
Girl: Hey, is this the place?
All: NOT NOW!

Scott: *holds up certificate of virginity* I'm now certified

THE END