A Suicide Note? A Guide on What-Not-to-do as A Parent? Sanity in Insanity.

Sanity in Insanity - A Parents Guide-What Not To Do - A Suicide Note? -

Autobiography, pfft, is it?

Special thanks to Debbie Barton, Erin, and you know who else

Most of you won't know who the "who else" is, but they will.

[Notes added whilst writing: this isn't revenge, this is a way for me to finally put it into words, on paper. as I was always told to do but couldn't. Here it is, a guide of what not to do for parents, a maybe...? suicide note. We'll see]

[Oh, another, you'll think, she told us it wouldn't just be a pity story? Trust me when I say it isn't. Multiple times through writing this story, I didn't know if that day or the next would be my last. My very last. Many times, I did try to die. I was close many times, but for some divine BS reason, I survived, and every so often, I'd come here to write out what I felt was my life. I'd suffered PTSD, I'd had enough of my memories controlling me, and I had said to myself, I will get it down. But everything I write brings up more memories, so don't expect this to be well structured because it is a printable version of my mind. Which would prove difficult, even for those who 'specialise' in this crap.]

[A present of some kind]

This storytelling is going to be a mess. Refrain from expecting perfect structure, consistent storytelling or scientific-level writing because you will be disappointed. I ain't got time for that.

It's a subjective telling of my life, with the occasional input from external sources.

This isn't for anyone else, except maybe it will interest you whilst you're bored, riding the train to work, or perhaps when you're on break at work. Who knows? Maybe it will make you re-evaluate how you treat others, your children, and your friends? Haha, one could hope; hope is for losers. (Sorry, it does help you get through bad times, but what is the point in surviving one SHI**Y situation, to be subjected to another, and another...and another). Beats me.

One thing I'll say is you'll be opinionated like everyone is, right? So you'll either love or hate me, think I'm right or wrong, or that the world is cruel and unjust, or maybe it's just another shitty story to add to the numerous similar books already available. One thing I will say is a problem of mine was seeing in this black and white pair of shades. It's wrong. There are many shades of grey in-between).

Many of the recollections that may be mentioned are from before I was old enough to remember, they may or may not be important, but, hey, they could be interesting.

(Present)

I've been contemplating taking my life on and off for years now. I have my reasons, I know why I should and the many reasons I shouldn't. It's selfish, right? Well, let me tell you something. Let me tell you what living as a (kinda) 'sane' and functional person is like; what their lives are like, what they think and feel in their own insanity and personal hell. (That you may or may not ever notice, so...) Okay, maybe I'll have only the time to recollect my own experiences, but I feel like people could relate. The anguish and pain are universal to some degree, so let's see, did you read out of curiosity or because you feel this relates to some of your own experiences?

I won't even go into the whole 'someone somewhere always has it worse than you' because it's a silly argument. Yeah, sometimes it can provide perspective and reality to a situation, but in any case, somewhere, it can always be worse, but who cares right now?

For me, it was bad enough; I'm still not entirely convinced I was still stuck in some hellscape designed to torture me. Reality says and shows me daily that suffering is universal and it is everywhere. As an empath, this could, theoretically, be a part of my hell, to feel the pain of people I don't know, people I love dearly. I'd even get it with bloody fictional characters, TV, books, you name it. Pain is everywhere, present in everything.