checkmate

We finally reached the back of the university which was back to back with the town's precious forest. Jackson was happy to see his friends but I couldn't say the same. From the four there, I only recognized one— Elijah Miller. I knew him because he was Jackson's best friend so I was friends with him while dating Jax. I was still familiar with the others though since I had a class with some. Lucas, Riley, and Aspen were the other three. Last names are still unknown to me. There was a heavy smell of liquor, weed, and cigarettes but I was used to it by now because years ago, I was in their place.

Jackson sat on the floor next to Elijah. He looks up at me from the ground. "Leo" Elijah says with a smile on his face. The others were crossfaded as hell having their little conversation. "Long time no see hm?"

"Blame that on Jackson, he's a fucking asshat" I shrug.

Elijah snickers as Jackson flicks me off. He grabbed the blunt from his friend to smoke. I'm pretty sure it was his way of coping with everything but it was definitely a bad habit. A habit I have always hated. A habit I used to have. I don't know when he started smoking but he's an adult now so who was I to tell him what he can and couldn't do?

Elijah stands up from his place and walks in front of me. He was really tall and super attractive, too bad it was going to waste. "You going to smoke?" He asks.

"I don't smoke"

He hums at my reply. "Then walk with me, I want to talk to you"

"Did Jackson tell you I did something?" I ask as we start to walk to god knows where. We ready didn't have a final destination. "Whatever he said was probably a lie"

He chuckles at my quick response. "You didn't do anything and Jax didn't tell me anything either, I was just curious... what's your deal?"

"My deal?"

"We were great friends in high school and Jackson loved you, you did too but dumped him anyways"

"Is that what he told you?"

"What do you mean?" The man questioned.

"He broke up with me because I made choices that made me come near my death and choices that he did not like. I was the reason his mental health became terrible... I ruined his life." My eyes began to tear up and I couldn't manage another word. Before I knew it, Elijah was pulling me by the wrist into a well-needed hug. I managed to hug him back but not before I started to sob.

Elijah softly breaks the hug to look at me, he wipes my tears and gives me a small smile. "I want you to know, it's not your fault"

"What?"

"I never got the chance to tell you but what happened is not your fault, you did your best. Your mental health collapsed as well and I'm sorry about not understanding the situation sooner"

I softly smile looking up at him. "It's in the past, I'm doing better"

"Are you though?"

"How have you been?"

"Way to change the subject, I've been alright... I mean I'm still alive so it's something"

"I don't get how you live that way"

"What way?"

"With the 'as long as I'm alive who gives a fuck about anything else' attitude, you're going to get hurt"

"You know me, it's how I roll but at some point, you were like that too"

"At that point, Jackson and I were actually happy. Time changes" I said rather coldly.

"Why do you do this to yourself?!" He says frustrated looking at me.

"Because Elijah— I caused this! All of this! I am the reason why Jackson had his downfall. He's the only one I admired the most. The only one I loved so much and yet I ruined it. He's not the only one that I screwed up" He stands taken back with so much to say but nothing was coming out. I could tell he was angry but I wasn't sure if it was at me or something else. "I was a wreck in high school as much as I am now"

"Why do you always do this?! You make everyone seem innocent because you're willing to take the fault causing it to destroy you! You're not at fault for how people behave and what they do!"

"You're high as a kite, go back to your friends," I said before adding, "I'm not arguing about this with you"

He clenches his fist and tightens his jaw. "You have so much pent-up anger and frustration, I get why but you can't just tell me a bunch of bullshit to my face"

"You're running from the inevitable Leo"

"The devil runs fast but I run faster" I shrug. "It can't catch me, I'm fucking untouchable"

"I know it haunts you but you can't escape it"

"You may be right on that but I don't care, I will not spend the rest of my life mourning and thinking about what could've been"

"Yet you won't accept it," Elijah says. "You won't accept what happened, that's why you're shitting all over yourself"

Before I got another word in, he was already on his way to see his friends again.

I walk into the nearest bathroom which was a singular unisex bathroom. I walk in and lock the door. I put my hands on either side of the sink as tears start flowing down my cheeks and close my eyes.

I am so fucking miserable.

A knock on the door snaps me out of my thoughts and I almost forgot that I was crying. I take notice of my surroundings and realized I was still in the bathroom lost in my thoughts which probably wasn't the best thing. I walk to the door and open it to be greeted by a familiar face. I could tell he felt bad about abandoning me. He notices my bloodshot eyes. "What happened?" He whispers bringing his hands to caress my cheeks. "Was it something Elijah said?"

I didn't want to admit what I'd been thinking because I know he would be upset about that. We both promised to bury the past behind, and we all did but regardless there is stuff that's meant to be resolved and we have not done that yet due to fear, guilt, and everything in between.

I slowly shake my head replying, "No.."

"What is it then?" Jackson asks before slightly leaning in mixing our breaths.

"Don't do this to me Jax" I whisper touching his hands that were still caressing my cheeks. "Please"

"Do what?" He quietly asks.

"Somehow we always manage to flip back to page one and I can't do it, Jackson, not anymore..."

"Then why aren't you pulling away?"

"Because I can't.."

"Okay then don't" He lastly says before connecting our lips. I knew this was a bad idea but I couldn't find myself pulling away. I close my eyes and accept it. All my thoughts go quiet and I felt all my worries vanish for the moment.