Learn to Love Again

"I HATE YOU!"

"JJ please listen to me, I can still talk to you, we can phone and facetime." she tried to hug him, reassure him. 

"I HATE YOU! LEAVE ME ALONE!" he squirmed out of her reach and stood crying in the middle of the classroom, his little face twisted in pain. "YOU PROMISED NOT TO LEAVE ME. BUT YOU ARE" he stopped shouting now, "just like Mum left me and Dad." Her eyes filled with tears as she watched him stand and break his heart.  There was nothing she could do or say that made it any better.

Tom and her had exchanged very few words on the Monday.  Despite his resolve, he hadn't apologised.  He'd seen her the afternoon before at the cinema.  With him.  Jamie had dawdled as usual and they'd arrived just as the film was starting, slipping into the rear of the small cinema in the dark.  After a few minutes, his eyes had become acclimatised to the dark and he'd spotted them a few rows in front.  Sharing a tub of popcorn and looking every inch like a comfortably familiar couple, her head on his shoulder.

Fortunately, Jamie had loved the film so much he'd been yapping away like a demented thing as they left and hadn't noticed her. Tom gently dragged him out and back to the car before he had to be a grownup and deal with his seething jealousy.  What had gotten into him?  He wasn't this person.  He needed to get a grip.  

Yeah, the image in the mirror said to him as he watched Jamie do up his seatbelt.  The problem is you really want to get a grip of her don't you?  His final sight of her was the two of them walking arm in arm into the carpark laughing and joking.  

He roared away in the car, his frustration coming out through the accelerator.  

"Dad!  You're being naughty!" Jamie had giggled "You're being that villain man from the advert aren't you!" he loved it when his Dad played characters at home.  It made him feel part of the world that took his Dad away.

Tom just winked and drove.  He couldn't trust himself to speak.  As he gunned the engine, he saw her look round. He wasn't sure, but he thought he saw a look of astonishment on her face. 

He went back to filming the next evening. He was early on set they didn't really need him yet, but for once, he felt there was nothing to stay for.  Not even Jamie this time.  Things were very grey in Tom's world these days. 

She'd hadn't really expected her application to be accepted. At least, not so quickly. They'd done a facetime interview after school the Tuesday after she'd applied and now, two days later it was done. She could start the following August. They just needed references and her police check, a mere formality for someone as experienced as her.  She'd had to let Mrs Bennett know as soon as possible of course, they would need to fill her place for next term, but it only seemed real when she told Jamie.  

She'd told him after school, before his Granny came to collect him - Tom was away again - and she'd hoped he'd understand.   He'd sat at one of the desks as she perched on hers and gently explained she'd been asked to go and teach other little boys and girls in a school further north.  For a moment he had looked at her, a half smile on his face. 

She'd almost relaxed.  He'd understood, he'd accepted all her suggestions. He really WAS wise beyond his years.  This wasn't going to be so difficult after all.  His father, now that would be the hard bit.  She was wrong.  He wasn't wise, he thought she was kidding.  

"You're just joking!" he said with an impish grin. "It's not April Fool's Day Miss, I know that!" he stood up and came over to her.  She looked down at him and her heart sank.  But then, he WAS only seven.   She shook her head sadly, 

"No JJ, I really am going away.  In the summer.  I won't be here next year.  You'll have a new teacher. They will be kind and funny - funnier than me I'm sure - and they will teach you lots of new things." she held her hand out, hoping he would take it.  He refused, folding his arms across his chest.  

"What about Dad?" he said shakily, his lip beginning to tremble, "Who'd going to be his friend?  You promised you would hug him more.  Like I told you." now the tears began to fall.  All he knew was the woman who was his second best grownup had let him down.  Facetime just wasn't the same.  And how would she hug him - and his Dad - if she was a million miles away.  He had no idea where "Northumberland" was but it might as well be Asgard for all he knew.

"Jamie!" she came across and knelt in front of him. "I'm NOT abandoning - leaving - you.  I will always be there for you.  I PROMISE." she crossed her heart. "I just need to move schools, it's better for me and ..." she paused, maybe she shouldn't say any more.  She didn't get the chance.

"GRANNY!  MISS GREY  IS LEAVING! STOP HER GRANNY, STOP HER!" he dashed over to his Granny and flung his arms around her, sobbing. Jenny looked up at Diana who smiled gently.

"Don't worry, I'll talk to him.  I knew this day might come.  Pity Tom's not here to hear all about it." she looked at Jenny carefully and saw, something.  A flicker of something. "Look, this may not be the right thing to do, but why don't you come round tonight.  Later on, maybe about 9?  Jamie will be in bed - I'll make sure he is.  We can have a glass of wine.  You look like you need a chat? If you'd like to that is?"  She took Jamie's hand. Jenny nodded from her spot on the floor.

"Yes, thanks I'd really like that. It's all been a bit of a rush and my..." she paused "I'm sorry he's upset Diana, I just wanted him to hear it first.  You know how schools are, things grow arms and legs and I didn't want him to hear it from anyone else." Jenny stood up, brushing the knees of her trousers off. "Thanks."

"Don't worry Jenny, we'll sort ALL this out. I don't like to see ANY of you upset, adults included." she smiled warmly and guided the still sniffing little boy out.

"Bye JJ" Jenny said quietly, "see you tomorrow."

He said nothing, just looked at her accusingly and turned away. If only she hadn't hugged Tom that day.  None of this would have happened.  But she had and it did and now she had to make it right.  For Tom.  For her.  For JJ.

As she watched them drive out of the carpark from the classroom window, she heard her phone ping.  A text from Luke.

"Sorry Sis, have to bail.  Got a new contract.  Want me there yesterday!  Call you later. Thanks again for everything it's been great seeing you. Love ya!".

She sat down heavily.  Great timing Luke, she thought. Just when I needed you most. She kept that to herself. Instead she fired off a text for good luck and that she'd call him tonight.  She hadn't even told him yet.  She wasn't entirely sure how he would take the news either.  

That just left Tom.  Part of her wanted to tell him now, this very instant, get it over with.  Part of her never wanted to face him again.  She knew neither were an option.  For the first time in her life, she wanted someone else to take charge. Tell her what to do.  Tell her not to go.  Tom would not be that person.

But would Diana?