Sincerely, Anonymous

February 7

Dear Annabeth,

Emily and I decided to go for a walk down the local trail after school today. It was cold out, especially seeing as we are pretty far north. But apparently it used to be much colder before the war. I guess that is one good outcome of it. I can’t quite think of any others.

We found a feral cat down by the pond. I used to love cats, still do actually. My parents, and the rest of society, say that animals are unsanitary. I always had a soft spot for them. When I was 14 I found a feral cat living near my house. I used to feed it and it would let me pet it and for a while it came to visit me. Then, one day, I was sitting on the porch drinking some ice water and finishing up a paper on the importance of Careers when the cat came running across the street. A wild dog was at its tail, chasing it viciously, with foam spewing from its mouth. It ripped the cat apart, blood and guts just scattered across the street. I sat there in silence as my neighbor, who had witnessed the event, called animal control.

It took six bullets to take the dog down. The veterinarian said it had been rabid, diseased. The sanitation crew came and scrubbed the blood from the street and still I sat there in silence. My mom came home from work at the Hospital hours later, though I don’t remember her ever appearing. She said that I sat there, tears streaming down my face, unmoving. I wouldn’t talk for weeks. I couldn’t shake the image of the cat, destroyed across the street. That’s the day I became vegetarian.

I convinced Emily to come up to the feral cat with me. I just wanted to see it. Be closer to it. It reminded me so much of my cat from all those years prior. Emily watched me, wary. She told me that sometimes I get this weird look to me, like I’m not quite all the way there. She told me that I deserve more cuffs on my arm then anyone she knows. I laughed because I knew it was true, and more over because Emily knows that sometime we are practically the same person and that she does the same exact thing.

We walked up to the cat and I went to pet it when suddenly it lashed out, grabbing Emily on the leg with its teeth. There was barely any blood and the cat ran away but I brought Emily to the Hospital anyway, knowing that she would need medicine to make sure she didn’t get an infection from the bite.

I felt stupid going home. Why would I try and pet a feral cat? I think maybe Emily is right. I deserve a thousand cuffs on my arms. I wondered in that moment why the Black Tens chose me to help out with the plan. I’m not strong. I’m not even sane.

The incident made me late for my sports day too, only by half an hour but even 30 minutes off a sports day can affect the entire practice. 

I’m very thankful for sports days. You don’t get them once you start your Career, so I don’t know if you know about them or not. The sports days are meant to help you be more active, and keep anyone under the age of 18 healthy. The Panel doesn’t want anyone to become overweight or inactive since that would reduce productivity. 

Sports days in elementary school are usually about three times a week. We get to play a bunch of different sports to try and find one that sticks. When we get to middle school, the sports days are bumped up to four days a week, and we get to choose two sports instead of a variety. I chose gymnastics and horseback riding, though my heart was never in gymnastics. I only did it because I was flexible enough to succeed at least slightly. Once we start high school we choose to do between three and five days a week to do our sport, and choose one sport to focus on. Naturally, I chose riding and took the five days since the barn was the only place I ever seemed to feel relaxed at.

Most people don’t choose riding. The people who do choose riding are thought of as weird, since the barns usually smell and the horses get dirt on you and every once in a while a horse will trample someone or throw someone off. Horses are considered dangerous and there are thousands of forms you have to fill out if you chose riding as your sport. Most people actually even dread the day in elementary school where they take everyone to the barns to try it out. I never understood why everyone had hated it there. I thought the smell was kind of homey, and I liked the dirt. It had just enough of a spark of rebellion from the stark sanitation everyone usually lives in. I liked the feeling of danger too. It was exhilarating.

Once we get our Careers the amount of sports days you get are changed to match the amount of activity needed for your Career. Because of that, I now only get a sports day a week.

We are allowed to exercise at the gymnasium too, and you can go there any time you want, but I usually only get to go there once a week as well. The only people not allowed at the gym are the ones whose cuffs restrict them from it. This means people like Amy.

Amy and Emily chose track as their sport. Amy is only allowed one day a month since she will be going to the Facility right after graduation. Emily is expected to do sports days three days a week since she will always be on her feet as a doctor. Emma and I chose horseback riding. Emma would have gotten one day a week, un-required, as an artist. Brianna is undecided, she does a variety of sports since nothing ever stuck for her. She gets one day a week. 

Sports days have always been my favorite since they are like my own kind of therapy. I don’t think about anxiety, or asexuality, or all the cuffs I should be forced to wear. I feel free. This is why I want to destroy the Panel, because I want to feel this free all the time.

I know you won’t remember what sport you chose so I might as well tell you. Maybe it will spark some kind of need for freedom. Maybe it will help convince you to side with us. You chose horseback riding, like me. You used to have that same sense of freedom that I did. Try to remember.

The sport’s day went well though, my trainer has been riding the horse I was assigned, since my sports days have been so few and far between. She said she would try and get an appeal to give me at least two days a week, stating it was for the sake of the horse who was now being underworked. I know she has been working him just fine and that she is doing it for my own sanity. I wonder what she was like before her Procedure. Was she as kind? Did she have a good childhood? Did it help or did it hurt to lose her memory? I wonder these things a lot now in days.

Love Always,

Lilly