unrequited

14

I wonder what he thinks about me now. I feel that I've changed since the beginning of the year. The tension between us has changed.

I inhaled the cold and salty air.

"Doah," Sunwoo splashed towards me. "It's kind of deep over here, are you sure you're up to swim?"

I didn't answer him. It felt like I was living outside of my body. I couldn't believe I had said what I did to Serri. Never in my life did I have that much fire inside me. Except when it came to Changmin.

Because of the darkness, I didn't see the wave creeping up. I felt my head swept under the sea, and for a moment I couldn't decide which way was up, and what was down. Honestly I didn't really care if I found out. It felt like I was living in a hallucination.

I wish I could live with this much carefree energy. I wish I didn't care what people though of me, or if I could have been honest with Changmin. How would it all have been different?

I felt a firm hand around my wrist and I was yanked above the water again. My lungs burned, and my eyes stung, and I still felt strange.

"Okay, that's enough swimming for tonight," Sunwoo said. His hair was damp now, it was perfectly swept away from his forehead.

I let him half drag me back to the sand where nobody acknowledged us.

"Can you maybe let some steam off in a different way?" He grunted as he struggled to push my body onto the deck of the house. "Swimming seems a tad bit inconvenient right now."

"Okay," I said. From here I was squatting on the deck, looking down at him. He raked a hand through his dark hair and his tan skin gleamed from the moonlight. I dared to glance further down. His already open shirt was stuck to his skin from the water, and I saw the lines of his chest and his abs. He looked like he could be a model, and I suddenly felt very insignificant next to him.

I wonder what someone like him saw in me. It's not like he was one to appreciate reading and organization skills.

When I met Sunwoo's eyes again he looked different. He looked hungry for something.

"Really?" He asked. His voice was low, and for once it seemed like all his focus was purely on me.

I swallowed. "Unless you don't want to."

He hoisted himself onto the deck next to me. "I've wanted to since the day I laid eyes on you on the soccer field."

"I knew you were a perv," I scoffed, though I still had to lean on him for balance as I stood up.

Somehow we made it up the stairs to the third floor of the beach house. Multiple rooms were occupied, but mostly it was empty since everybody was outside.

I didn't feel right in my mind, but I didn't care. I hated the feeling of being too late. Feeling like something could have happened if I had acted sooner, but I didn't. It was all my own fault.

I closed the door behind us and the lighting in the room was already dim. It was a guest room, and it seemed like nobody had ever lived in it before.

I didn't know what to do, or what to say, but Sunwoo definitely did. I felt his kiss again, on my lips, on my neck, everywhere. And yet it still didn't feel like anything.

His shirt was thrown across the room and we were sitting on the edge of the bed in a drunken make out session.

Sunwoo suddenly pulled away, his chest was breathing heavily. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"You think I can't handle it?" I asked. I didn't have control over my own words, it was like I was a different person.

"No I.... I just don't want--I mean you just look... upset. A little bit." sunwoo said cautiously.