The Great Ruse

In the blink of an eye the rest of the season passes and I somehow am able to sit in the same room as Rein without thinking back to Idalia.

I can feel myself changing with each day that passes, losing the old me in snippets. I stay in bed far longer than I ever did. I eat more than I need to. I laugh louder than I should, draw attention when I shouldn't.

Each morning I look long and hard at myself, soaking in the visual assurance that I'm still me under that costume. The odd dissonance that living as a different gender has created is something I had not expected; sometimes I like being a woman more than I like being a man, only to have an existential crisis about it at two in the morning. It's not my biggest problem, but I can't help but wonder how this will fuck me up mentally for the rest of my life. Ah well, I got to make sure I survive that long first.

Court is still frustrating, both in dullness and in frustration. I watch the King, memorize his habits and patterns throughout the day as I look for weaknesses. He is virtually never alone, with exception to a few hours in his study occasionally. If I could get him alone, could I do Roshad the great service of killing him?

Would Rein rule just like his father, making my efforts pointless?

More than my wavering resolve for vengeful bloodshed, however, I want answer. Weeks after my birthday and I'd still found nothing to useful within the books I combed through to answer the incessant questions. For the first time in my life, I felt useless.

Val was out there, fighting for her life, and I'm... what? Drinking tea with Petra and Annalie?

After dinner, they corner me.

I recognize Regula Fuhr by name, a lady of the court flanking her on either side. The unmemorable girls hold my arms in place against the stone. She thinks she's the Gods chosen one, one rambles. We'll teach her that she's not better than us, the other glowers.

Regula crosses her arms with a little smirk, like her girls are actually strong enough to hold me back. I stay against the wall, letting them think they have me right where they want me.

"Where do you think you're going?" Regula tuts like a mother scolding a child. I fight the instinct to smash her smug face into the hard tile floor.

"Wherever I want," I smile innocently, a bite underneath my words.

Regula shakes her head. "You're breaking the Queen's rules, Adalwin. Don't think I don't see what you're up to." Having sex with the Prince is cheating.

"I'm not," I blurt, eyes wide. "Why would you even think that? Are you really that moronic or are you just projecting?"

"I know—"

"Nothing. You know nothing." I push against the restraints of both of her friends, freeing myself from their weak grip with minimal effort. "Do either of you really expect the Prince will marry you? I don't remember your names and I see you everyday—if you're forgettable to me, you must be completely invisible to him."

"That's not—"

"Shut up," I interrupt. "The important people are talking. What's your problem, Fuhr?"

Now that I'm free, Regula takes a step back. Her confidence seeps away. "It's completely unfair to the rest of us, Adalwin, to sleep with the man that we're all competing—"

"Is that what you think? This is a competition?"

"Obviously, for the crown."

"Rein's a person, not a trophy," I exclaim. The deeper, natural tone of my voice peaks through. I clear my throat. "You can't compete for a human being and if that's the way you think about him, honestly you don't deserve him or—"