Random Poems

I'm tired.

Not the kind of tiredness that sleep can easily fix. The kind of tiredness that no one wants to talk about. The kind of tiredness that leaves a void in your chest and a knot in your stomach. The kind of tiredness that makes anger your quickest and easiest emotion. I'm the kind of tired that makes your feet like lead and your soul heavy. 

Calling it depression is fine, does the job diagnosing; but it's so much more than that. A single word doesn't come close to describing it. 

It's hating the look on people's faces when they see you break down. It's stabs of envy when you see others living content and happy. It's every emotion on ten one day and nonexistent the next. It's the piles of laundry from months past that you swore you'd put away. Or the dishes unwashed in the sink. It's late nights fighting impulses and early mornings forcing your first meal in two days down your throat. It's ignoring your friends and hiding in your room. It's the fear of taking your medication cause it would be so easy to add a few more pills in the mix. It's toxic traits amplified to make people leave; it's pushing away everyone so you can self-destruct without having to see the casualties. It is a constant battle that everyone knows about but no one wants to face. It's failed relationships and self-destructive tendencies. 

What's worse? I'm tired of sugarcoating it. I'm not okay. I have never been okay. I smile and laugh. I make memories. I play my role well and bid adu; and then I'm alone and it becomes catastrophic. When I'm alone is when the voices of my loved ones come to mock my flaws and create new ones from thin air. It's when lights stay off so I cannot see my reflection. It's when the music gets blasted to drown my thoughts. 

It's phantom pains and calling in sick to work. It's hours laying awake in bed. It's having to hide the knives again cause feeling pain is better than feeling numb. 

Depressed stopped describing what I am a long time ago. 

I'm just so fucking tired.