Impossible

28 April 2021, Portugal, 0:17am

I was the first to arrive at the hotel. Originally I was as mad as to wanting to get myself a separate room, but the reception was already closed. Then I was thinking about sleeping at the beach.

That was because I knew once I'd see him I would start screaming at him. And I didn't wanted that because it would just reveal how ridiculous I was. I did. in fact scream into a pillow once I was in the room. Then the pillow already smelled like him so I punched the pillow. I was raging. Only a couple minutes later Lando arrived too. I was on the balcony drinking vodka lemon from the minibar. Can you blame me? I was frustrated..

He joined me on the balcony but I didn't acknowledge his presence. Not even when he stood next to me and I definitely saw, in the corner of my eye, that he was looking at me.
"Hey, what have I done wrong?" he asked innocently.
I felt even more stupid. I couldn't answer. I didn't had it in me.
"Rachel, please tell me," he begged and grabbed my shoulder. Gently, but concerned. Again, eveeytime he'd use my real name I knew it was real. He meant it.

"I can't- can't talk to you right now," I said, a little shiver coming over me. It was really cold out here. He obviously noticed and took off his jacket to put it over my shoulders. Putting it tight around me. I now looked at him. When his eyes met mine I had to look away again. I was on the verge of crying, which would've made me look even more ridiculous.

"Please," he pleaded. I was questioning why he was still on it. He could've left it at that, but no. It was annoying. Cute annoying. I took a deep breath and placed my glass on the nearby table. I turned to face him and took his jacket off my shoulders and threw it at him.
"I'm just really disappointed, Lando," I stated. He furrowed his brows, "Why?? What have I done?". God, I was really gonna do this.

"Fuck.. I just - all I wanted was to have dinner with you. But then you're friends came along and ruined it. You were having much fun, but I? I was feeling so ridiculous, all because of you!" I explained and my voice got louder with every word. He looked at me almost speechless. As if he had no clue.
"I- I didn't knew it was that important to you to have me all for yourself," he tried joking, but it didn't work one bit.
"No, but really I'm sorry. I just wanted you to meet the people I spent most of my free time with," he apologized and put his hand on my arm. I shook my head. I was mad because he wanted to include me more into his life. God..

"If you had given me a heads up, it would've been fine," I sighed calming myself down. He looked relieved, "Okay. I get that. I'm sorry, okay?". I rolled my eyes. How could I be angry at him for longer than two hours?
"Alright," I gave in sighing. He wrapped his arms around me the next second. My heart being so close to his was truly the best feeling in the world, even when I was still a little mad at him. All the trouble's forgotten once he kisses me on my cheek.

When he looked at me then I imagined what it would sound like if he'd say the words I love you. Just my stupid head, but it would sound just so dreamy, wouldn't it?

The way he looked at me was like falling, but knowing there is someone to catch you. This world could never hurt me as long as I'd have him.

But I never had him. It was all just a waste of time and feelings. But because no one knew what was going on in my head, at least there we could be something real. At least there this all wasn't just some stupid meaningless thing.

Later in bed he had his arms around me once again and was fast asleep. I was staring at the ceiling, slight light peeking through the windows. I couldn't sleep. This whole situationship was going so terrible for me. I thought I could handle it, handle my feelings, but... Now I don't think so anymore. With every second we spend with each other I'm just falling for him more and more, I seriously can't help it. It's breaking my heart. I was wondering if it would get better for some time. But now I was certain that this won't go away.
And I knew that was gonna be my doom.